The Polite Apocalypse

Archaeologists say Rome fell to the barbarians; modern researchers predict our end will come from people holding the door open too long. Welcome to the Polite Apocalypse, where courtesy piles up until society collapses under its own “after you” weight. A survey from the National Institute of Social Etiquette found that 58% of office workers waste 23 minutes a day waving each other through doorways. That’s an entire fiscal quarter lost to politeness! Dr. Harriet Winklebottom, author of *Manners and Mayhem*, insists this “apocalyptic courtesy spiral” began with Canadians. Eyewitnesses in Toronto describe traffic jams caused by drivers who refused to proceed at four-way stops. Anonymous staffers inside Congress warn of a filibuster composed entirely of “thank yous.” An economist at Yale calculated that if everyone continues saying “no worries” to every slight inconvenience, the GDP will plummet by 7% annually. Trace evidence of the apocalypse can already be seen at Starbucks, where five customers once held the door for each other until they all died of dehydration. Cause and effect is clear: when politeness becomes competitive, humanity starves waiting for the other person to go first. The irony? The last survivor of civilization will be the one person who rudely cut in line.