The Great COVID Death Label Fiasco

Newly released documents reveal the shocking disarray behind COVID-19 death classifications, including cases labeled "Technically alive but Zoom posture suggests otherwise" and "Probably COVID but also ate gas station sushi." The haphazard system led to absurdities like a Florida man counted twice (once by the state, once by his fantasy football league) and a Montana county where "death by stubbornness" became an official category. "We had to create 27 new Excel columns just to track the creative ways people denied reality," confessed one overwhelmed coroner, showing spreadsheets with tabs like "Unvaccinated & Proud (Deceased)." The most egregious case? A Texas death certificate listing the cause as "Democrat hoax" until medical examiners intervened. Statisticians estimate the real toll may never be known, though they confirm at least 12% of deaths were definitely caused by YouTube comment sections. Meanwhile, anti-vaxxers are using the confusion to push new conspiracy theories, ignoring that their own "research" often came from bots that have since been repurposed to sell crypto.