The Commitmentphobe Survival Manual

Dating experts have released a darkly comic guide to navigating relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, suggesting strategies like "treat every date like it's witness protection" and "never ask questions that might imply future plans." The manual includes helpful illustrations of red flags to ignore, scripts for pretending you don't care ("Oh this? Just a casual overnight bag with 6 months of supplies"), and emergency phrases for when they panic ("Don't worry, this isn't a relationship - we're just two ghosts haunting the same Netflix account"). Psychologists note the advice is "technically terrible but sadly necessary," while commitmentphones themselves are buying copies "just to feel seen." The most brutal tip? "Date multiple commitmentphones simultaneously so their mutual flakiness creates the illusion of reliability." Meanwhile, therapists report a surge in patients using the manual as a coaster for their wine glasses during solo crying sessions.