The Comedian's Guide to Hecklers

Hecklers are just unpaid co-stars in your show - here's how to make them regret their life choices: 1. **The Classic** - "I don't come to your job and knock the dicks out of people's mouths." 2. **The Reverse** - "Wow, free comedy advice from someone who paid to get in!" 3. **The Sympathy Play** - "Sir, the 'quiet' in 'quiet desperation' is the important part." 4. **The Redirect** - "Ladies and gentlemen, my opener is bombing worse than me!" 5. **The Brutal Truth** - "You're like human proof that abortion should be legal retroactively." 6. **The Comparison** - "You're the reason some animals eat their young." 7. **The Fake Concern** - "Sir, your alcoholism is showing - might want to tuck that back in." 8. **The Self-Deprecating Twist** - "Even I don't want to hear me this much, and I'm getting paid!" 9. **The Big Finish** - "Let's give this guy a hand - he's clearly working through something." 10. **The Bouncer Bait** - "Security! We found the guy who thinks he's funny!" 11. **The Reality Check** - "You paid $20 to yell at a stranger - how's your life going?" 12. **The Parental Shame** - "Your parents must be so proud they kept the receipt." 13. **The Simple Request** - "Can you hold your comments until I stop caring?" 14. **The Future Prediction** - "In 5 years, you'll be yelling this at a mirror." 15. **The Nuclear Option** - "I'd insult you back, but nature already did it better."