The Comedian's Guide to Dating Disasters

My dating life is basically a never-ending comedy special no one asked for: 1. **Online Dating** - "My profile says 'fluent in sarcasm' because 'emotionally unavailable' scares people." 2. **First Date Tips** - "Arrive early to case the exits, order something that won't stain when you spit-take." 3. **Ghosting Protocol** - "I don't get ghosted... I just participate in experimental performance art." 4. **Ex Stories** - "We broke up because she wanted kids and I wanted to keep my PlayStation." 5. **Texting Games** - "I wait exactly 42 minutes to reply to seem mysterious, not unemployed." 6. **Date Fails** - "Turns out 'Netflix and chill' means different things to different generations." 7. **Love Languages** - "Mine is 'avoidant attachment with occasional validation-seeking.'" 8. **Breakup Material** - "She said 'it's not you, it's me' - which is funny because it was definitely me." 9. **Single Life** - "My dating pool is just people who also ran out of swipes." 10. **Romantic Gestures** - "I wrote her poetry... then realized it was just sad tweets strung together." 11. **Marriage Jokes** - "Marriage is just two people agreeing to be each other's Google Calendar." 12. **Swipe Fatigue** - "I've swiped so much my thumb has its own dating profile now." 13. **Date Prep** - "I spend more time crafting my bio than I do on actual dates." 14. **Relationship Goals** - "We're that couple that finishes each other's... sentences, I was going to say sentences." 15. **The Truth** - "Dating is just job interviewing for a position no one wants to fill long-term."