The Comedian's Guide to Dating

My dating life is like a free buffet - all the good ones are taken and what's left is questionable: 1. **Online Dating** - "My profile says 'fluent in sarcasm' because 'desperate' sounds too needy." 2. **First Date Tips** - "Arrive early to scope exits, order something that won't stain when you inevitably spit-take." 3. **The Ghosting Bit** - "I don't get ghosted... I just participate in one-sided performance art." 4. **Ex Stories** - "My last relationship ended because... well, one of us had standards." 5. **Texting Games** - "I wait exactly 37 minutes to reply to seem mysterious, not unemployed." 6. **Date Fails** - "Pro tip: If you Google 'is this a date?' during dinner, it's probably not." 7. **Love Languages** - "Mine is 'avoidant attachment with occasional bouts of validation-seeking.'" 8. **Breakup Material** - "We broke up over creative differences - she wanted commitment, I wanted snacks." 9. **Single Life** - "My dating app matches are like parking spots - all the good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped." 10. **Romantic Gestures** - "I wrote her a love letter... then ran it through Grammarly to fix my tone." 11. **Marriage Jokes** - "Marriage is just two people agreeing to be each other's Google Calendar." 12. **Swipe Fatigue** - "I've swiped so much my thumb has carpal tunnel - that's true love." 13. **Date Prep** - "I spend more time crafting my bio than most authors spend on their novels." 14. **Relationship Goals** - "We're that couple that finishes each other's... no we don't." 15. **The Truth** - "Dating in your 30s is just interviewing for the role of 'person who won't leave dishes in the sink.'"