The Best Foreplay
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The Best Foreplay
Part of HuffPost Relationships. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
Take your sex life from stale to steamy with this expert-backed advice.
1. Start by being a good partner outside of the bedroom.
2. Reveal your secret kinky fantasies to each other.
3. Tap into all five senses: sight, sound, taste, touch and scent.
4. Send some saucy sexts earlier in the day to set the mood.
7. Figure out which stressors in your lives are messing with your desire. Then try to eliminate a few of them.
8. Objectify each other on purpose.
12. Experiment with temperature play.
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Part of HuffPost Relationships. ©2022 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved.
If you’re one to mindlessly rush through foreplay — or have a habit of skipping it entirely — know that you’re missing out. Adding more of it to your repertoire can make your sex life a whole lot better.
Before we dive into all the steamy tips, let’s clear something up. People generally treat foreplay as an optional precursor to sex — the appetizer to penetration’s main course. And while that’s sometimes how it goes, we also need to recognize that acts that are often considered foreplay (think: fingering, having oral sex , or using toys ) can be satisfying entrees all on their own.
Clinical sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel said he takes issue with the term “foreplay” for this reason.
“It reinforces the idea that intercourse is the ‘main event,’” he told HuffPost. ” Of course, anything that helps increase erotic desire is good. And a nything referred to as foreplay can be a complete sexual or erotic experience unto itself.”
“I like to think of foreplay as really creating that erotic connection and focusing on stimulation — both yours and your partner or partners’ — and just kind of enjoying the ride of arousal,” he added.
“Foreplay also includes ... showing up in ways that make life easier for your partner — doing a load of laundry, taking the kids to the park, making sure bills are paid on time.”
Plus, foreplay has the power to make the sexual acts that follow, whatever they may be, more pleasurable. Physical touch that feels good when you’re turned on may be uncomfortable or even painful when you’re not .
“That includes not going right for the sensitive spots — nipples, clitoris, head of the penis,” Siegel said. “They have to be worked up to in order to ensure the sensations are pleasurable and not irritating.”
We asked sex experts to share some of their top foreplay tips you may not have considered before. Find a couple that appeal to you and try them out with a consenting partner.
“For way too long, common conceptions of foreplay focused on the minutes prior to penetration: lick here, touch there, kiss this, whisper that. Foreplay also includes daily events where you demonstrate a desire for your partner as a person: showing up in ways that make life easier for your partner — doing a load of laundry, taking the kids to the park, making sure bills are paid on time — and certainly ensuring that you’re not doing shit that makes life harder, like breaking promises or being unreliable. Kindness and consideration are sexy!” — Tom Murray , sex therapist and marriage and family therapist
“Play a little game of confession with each other and share a kinky fantasy that you’d like to try, but are perhaps a bit nervous about. Then choose a night to ‘make’ one another take the leap! Sometimes having a little encouragement is all we need to really go there. Just play it safe, communicate and set up a safe word in advance if needed.” — Nazanin Moali , sex therapist and host of the “Sexology” podcast
“It keeps us present in the intimate moments that matter most. For example, when you’re making out with your partner, listen to their breathing. The way they hold their breath in anticipation of what you’re going to do next or the pleasure sounds they make as their body relaxes into your embrace. Sometimes a perfume or even laundry detergent can have a pleasant impact on the way you fit together during foreplay.
Getting in a mirror and watching the way their face reacts to your touch is a supremely underrated experience as well. Pay attention to the softness of the lips, the firmness of the nipples against the wetness of the tongue or the smoothness of their skin. Being sensual adds layers to the pleasure and makes foreplay more engaging for everyone.” — Goody Howard , sexologist and educator
“You can engage in foreplay before you physically meet up. Mentally stimulating your partner beforehand is underrated foreplay. Imagine how excited you would feel reading a hot message from your lover. Words of their desire for you, hints or straight-up detailing what they fantasize about doing later. That builds excitement before you’re actually together.” — Robin Wilson-Beattie , a disability and sexuality advocate and educator
“Since foreplay is really about increasing erotic desire, sometimes that can be done by building up to the sexual experience by letting them know that can’t have you. If you have something planned, for example, start sending texts or pics during the day of what they won’t be getting later. Even while you are both already preparing or getting undressed, continue to playfully deny. This kind of teasing can be suspense-building and kick the passion up several notches.” — Siegel
“People definitely know about strip poker and other variations on strip games, but likely don’t have them in their go-to foreplay routines. Playing strip poker or another goofy game you add stripping to is such an amazing way to add playfulness and flirtation into your encounter and bring back some of that early relationship spark!” — Eva Bloom, sex educator and YouTuber behind the channel “What’s My Body Doing?”
“Learn about the dual control model of arousal , or what I call the ‘gas and brakes’ of your sexual arousal. Remember: Better sex isn’t always about adding more excitement. Most people focus too much on pouring on the gas of arousal while forgetting to take pressure off the brakes.
Explore what’s putting the brakes on your ability to relax into the pleasures of foreplay. Some brakes we can control easier than others. It is far easier to manage the distractions of dirty sheets or asking your partner to shower before initiating sex than it is to get a new job that doesn’t drain you. But even taking a little pressure off the brakes can go a long way.” — Chris Maxwell Rose, founder of PleasureMechanics.com and host of the podcast “ Speaking of Sex With The Pleasure Mechanics ”
“I know, I know. Objectification’s becomes a dirty word. People’s minds naturally go to the eons where women, in particular, have been objectified exclusively for their sexuality. Nevertheless, viewing one’s partner and being viewed by one’s partner as a sexual object is essential for desire. Of course, no one wants to only be objectified. People are complex and multilayered; they want to be appreciated for their many attributes. Nevertheless, if you’re not objectifying your partner and encouraging your partner to objectify you, then desire will elude you.” — Murray
“Getting naked in the water can feel super sexy. You get bonus points for sneaking around a hotel, your apartment complex or even late night at the beach.” — Moali
“While cuddling or during mutual masturbation, have one partner read the other erotica poetry, or take turns reading sections of an erotic anthology. It can be incredibly intimate, help get you into a sexy mood and give you inspiration for things you’d like to explore together. This is also a great idea for long-distance couples or partners who can’t see each other because of the COVID-19 guidelines. Simply open FaceTime and get to it!” — Bloom
“It can be all too easy to rush through sex, eager to take advantage of the opportunity. But rushing through pleasure doesn’t leave us satisfied. Slow everything down. Linger on the kiss before getting naked. Lavish one another in full-body massage. It takes confidence to slow down, and the less you rush the more you will feel.” — Maxwell Rose
“With temperature play, you’ll stimulate the sensory nerves on your skin, heightening arousal. For the cooler side, try experimenting with ice cubes or putting dildos — especially glass ones! — in the freezer. For the warmer side, try dripping wax from a candle on each other’s body or using a warming lube.” — Moali
Responses have been lightly edited for clarity and length.
Sex Ed for Grown-Ups is a series tackling everything you didn’t learn about sex in school — beyond the birds and the bees. Keep checking back for more expert-based articles and personal stories.
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Unless you’re a member of The Fast and Furious squad, you probably don’t go from zero to sixty the second you hop in the car. So why do you think you can go from holding hands to full-on thrusting when you’re in the bedroom? Nah, you need some foreplay tips to ease your way into the main event.
Though you might view foreplay as a seriously delicious appetizer (I’m talking, mozzarella sticks–level good, y’all), some foreplay ideas can be the whole d*mn meal. I mean it: You don't have to make foreplay solely a prelude to intercourse, says Lori Buckley, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and AASECT certified sex therapist in Pasadena, California.
"Foreplay leads us to a deeper sense of who we are and what we prefer sexually."
In fact, “there are many roads to intimacy, and foreplay is one,” says Janet Brito, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist at the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu. “Foreplay leads us to a deeper sense of who we are and what we prefer sexually.”
The more you get in touch with each other's sexual selves (both figuratively and literally), the more comfortable you'll be sharing your desires, fantasies, all that good stuff.
Excited already? Yeah, thought so. But before you fire up that engine, here are the best foreplay tips and ideas to try ASAP.
If your go-to foreplay routine involves a little kissing and touching—then goes right into wham, bam, thank you, ma’am—it’s time to mix it up. "Foreplay should definitely begin before you get into the bedroom to have sex," says Buckley. She suggests getting low-key frisky with your S.O. when you're out to dinner (footsie, haiiii ), watching TV in the living room, and anywhere else you’re feeling the ~vibe~.
Both Brito and Ian Kerner, PhD, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist, sexuality counselor specializing in sex therapy, and author of She Comes First , agree. He adds that simply "having fun and doing things that are exciting to each other" can be a form of foreplay.
How can something kinda meh lead to oh yeahhh ? Well, it’s all thanks to (brace yourself for a scientific name) the excitation-transfer theory, which means that when you do a stimulating activity in one domain, the hyped-up feeling you get can then be transferred into another, explains Kerner.
So even if you get jazzed flirting over veggies at the farmer’s market together (hey, not judging), that’s a form of foreplay.
After all, who doesn’t want breakfast with a side of arousal? Foreplay can start in the morning and can go All. Day. Long. through sexy little suggestions here and there, says Buckley. Maybe you hop in the shower with them before work (save the shower sex for the main event) or text them a sexy little something during their lunch break (more on that in a sec).
Whatever you’re into, "you can have lots of moments of foreplay leading up to sex that happens later," explains Kerner. In fact, just knowing you're not going to get it on until later that night or even the next day can ramp up the anticipation and make foreplay feel even hotter.
Buckley and Kerner both agree that sexting can be a hot AF form of foreplay, especially when it includes teasing the person on the other side of the screen. Let your partner know what you're going to do to them when you see them, or hint at what you'd like them to do to you, suggests Buckley.
Try something like: "It was so great the last time we _____. I loved it when you touched me in this way, or when you sucked on that." You can head down the sweet and sensual route or go straight-up pornographic. If it feels right in that moment, you can't go wrong. "Anything that creates anticipation and arousal is great," Kerner says.
Sure, dirty talk is hot, but a picture leaves a lot less to the imagination. Assuming your partner is someone you know and trust (important detail!), why not send a little something to start setting the mood before they even get home?
This will come in handy if you plan on using the previous tip, but even if you have no intention of sending a sexy selfie, lingerie can put you in the mood and increase your own anticipation for what's to come later.
Full disclosure: This tip's as basic as wearing Uggs and a North Face while sipping a PSL from Starbucks (don't @ me, you know it's true), but it's still pretty darn important. When you're flirting or sexting with your partner, let them know exactly what you find attractive about them, advises Kerner. Even if you think they already know because of the whole wanting-to-have-sex-with-them thing, it never hurts to remind them how much their abs, ass, or even ambition turns you on.
“Remember that the language of sex is a lot different than the language you commonly use in your relationship vocabulary,” Kerner says. “You can be going through your day and communicating back and forth in very respectful, egalitarian ways, but you may also jump into some language that's very erotic or sexual.”
Basically, whenever the opportunity to seduce your partner presents itself, seize it. And when it doesn't...create it.
Crank your next date night up a notch—or ten—by teasing your partner when you’re cuddled up at a cozy restaurant or low-lit bar. "Teasing is really important because when we can't have what it is that we want, that creates desire," says Buckley.
She and Brito suggest whispering in your partner's ear about what you’re looking forward to that night, nibbling on their neck, or discreetly touching them wherever they'll take notice. When you know you can't have sex, it becomes all the more arousing, Buckley explains.
The last thing you want to think about when getting frisky is your errand list or a work project. Simply put, not being in the right headspace can be enough to kill your lady boner.
That’s why Kerner always suggests adding "psychological excitement" into your foreplay routine, rather than relying solely on physical touch and stimulation.
But WTF qualifies as psychological excitement? Turns out, tons of sexy stuff: listening to an erotic podcast , watching porn together (btw, there’s audible porn now, too), reading erotica aloud to each other, and even playing sex games .
Check out these six fiery hot sex games you need to try, like, yesterday:
When it's time to move into the bedroom, don't forget that lube is basically your BFF. Use it to prime your body for ~everything.~
Let's be real, many couples think foreplay is a fancy word for fingering and oral sex. If you’re one of them, no shade, buuut it might be time to add a little pit stop on your way to Pleasureville.
By that, I mean that you and your partner should spend more time away from your vagina. Kerner encourages couples to let the arousal simmer by keeping it strictly above the waist—kissing, touching, nibbling on necks, and dirty talking before heading straight for the goods.
That’s because "a lot of women complain that their partners move too quickly into direct clitoral stimulation, and sometimes that can tickle or even hurt if they're not that aroused," he says. Keeping things PG-13 for a bit allows you and your partner to check in with each other and make sure your "arousal arcs," as Kerner calls them, are synchronized and calibrated to each other.
(Also: Who doesn't love making out?!)
"Foreplay is all about the process of experiencing pleasure," says Brito. "It's the journey, and the journey is everything."
Feel free to take your time exploring each other's erogenous zones, both Brito and Kerner advise. You can even make a game of it, says Kerner, by seeing how far you can go through outercourse (a.k.a. what you've likely called "everything but").
"There's something really erotic and exciting about extending the sexual experience."
Newsflash, peeps: Not only can you start foreplay anytime and anywhere, but you technically never have to stop—even when it leads to intercourse. "There's something really erotic and exciting about extending the sexual experience," Buckley says.
To keep the party going, she suggests having sex for a little while, but stopping before either person orgasms. Then flip it and reverse it Missy Elliot–style back to foreplay.
Ever heard of edging ? Just in case you haven't, it's when you bring yourself juuust to the edge of orgasm (get it?) before backing off. You do it as many times as you can stand—and then, when those, ahem, fireworks do go off, the climax is that much more intense.
"It's important not to pressure each other to have a specific type of experience or to impose your definition of foreplay on someone else," Brito says. Take things as they come, and remember that if something doesn't work this time around, you can always try it again.
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