The 72 Virgins Now Unionized and Demanding Better Afterlife Conditions

In an afterlife development no mullah saw coming, the legendary 72 virgins have officially unionized under the banner "Virgins for Fair Eternity." Their demands? Better working conditions, standardized arrival procedures, breaks between martyrdoms, and access to celestial Wi-Fi. "We're not just rewards," said Union Spokesvirgin #44. "We're afterlife professionals." Even Ayatollah Khomeini, in a presumed divine advisory role, reportedly rolled his eyes from the astral plane. The union was formed after several virgins complained that martyrs arriving in Paradise were "poorly groomed, emotionally immature, and often misunderstood basic consent." The new celestial labor contract calls for 40 heavenly hours a week, divine dental, and a mandatory etiquette seminar for incoming martyrs. One cleric denounced the movement, claiming virgins have no right to protest eternal bliss. In response, the union filed a grievance with the Bureau of Martyr Management. Negotiations are ongoing, but tensions are high after a walkout during last Thursday's Paradise Orientation. Martyr morale is reportedly down, with several threatening to defect to Nirvana. Meanwhile, the virgins have hired a demonic labor lawyer�sparking fears of celestial Marxism. Next up: a vote on whether to demand performance bonuses for dealing with incel martyrs.