The $500 Billion Stargate: Pentagon's Interdimensional Portal Project Leaks

Classified documents reveal the Pentagon has secretly spent $500 billion developing a functional Stargate, with cost overruns blamed on "interdimensional tariffs" and "plasma inflation." The project, codenamed WORMHOLE-7, allegedly achieved its first successful test last month by transporting a Marine battalion to what accountants describe as "a very strange tax haven." Defense contractors reportedly charged $8,000 for each alien-looking bolt and $4.2 million per "zero-point energy stabilizer" (later revealed to be relabeled Tesla parts). The GAO found that 73% of the budget disappeared into what investigators are calling "a literal black hole," while remaining funds were spent on gold-plated staff uniforms designed to "look authoritative to reptilian dignitaries." The portal was temporarily shut down after it began spewing what appeared to be intergalactic spam emails, including one offering "low-interest loans from Alpha Centauri."