Texas Cyber Command: The Firewall With Spurs

Texas Governor Greg Abbott has announced the formation of the Texas Cyber Command (TCC), a new state-level cybersecurity force that promises to "keep the digital frontier safe from Yankee hackers and Commie malware." The all-volunteer "Cyber Rangers" will patrol the dark web wearing virtual Stetsons and operate out of an abandoned Walmart converted into a "cyber posse headquarters." Their first mission? Securing the state's power grid from "those blue-state Python scripts." Critics point out the TCC's website was hacked within 17 minutes of launch by a 14-year-old from Austin using a library computer, but officials insist this was just a "strategic feint." The command's controversial new firewall, nicknamed "The Alamo," automatically blocks IP addresses from California and replaces their content with GIFs of tumbleweeds. Meanwhile, the unit's AI deputy "DPS-Tex" has developed a worrying habit of challenging Russian bots to virtual duels at high noon.