BFC25

I’ve felt like I wanted to pin down the thoughts I’ve had about my negative experience at BFC and I think doing that is an important part of moving on. 

Importantly however I don’t want to take away from the hard work that everyone put into the event, both on staff and otherwise.

What I have figured out is that I am just not equipped to have a good time at an event of that sort for a few reasons. 

The event felt quite parasocial and has made me reconsider how I feel about my connection to the babyfur community. Of course I feel like part of that community - it’s part of my identity and I feel very strongly about it. Going to the con however has made me realise that feeling like I’m part of the community is probably not enough to have a good time at an event like BFC. What I now know is that being part of a community, and feeling like you’re part of a community, are two very different things — I got the two confused which led to me not having a very good time. 

I have never been good at maintaining conversations or relationships online. For all but the smallest number of people I’ve known for many years, I have trouble carrying on a conversation over messages. I think that’s partly due to anxiety but not completely. It might also be that because of the nature of my job, which renders it necessary to have heaps of difficult conversations with people verbally and in writing, engaging in more written communication when I get home tends to be the last thing I want to do. Overall though, I’ve never quite known why I’ve experienced that trouble, but it’s a skill I’ve lost since I was a teenager and one I’ve never cared to develop back again. Such is life. 

This caused me problems going somewhere like BFC. Sure, it’s a real life scenario, we aren’t talking over messages. But if you’re someone who doesn’t really participate in the culture of maintaining relationships over messages, people don’t have much of a reason to want to speak to you, or come seek you out — because, to them, who are you? Why would they? 

I have tried, probably quite vainly, to put a bandaid on this issue by trying to be a bit visible. Getting art, getting a fursuit, things like that. These things have of course not helped. You can be as visible as you like, but being visible is not, it seems, a self sufficient reason for people to want to talk to you. Why should it be, after all? And even if people do want to talk to you because of that art you got or whatever, if you don’t talk back, they would have little reason to continue. Why would they? 

The first year I went to the con, I had a really great time and didn’t experience these same issues. I’ve tried to consider why that is, and at this stage my best guess is to chalk it up to the novelty of the con (to me, and to everyone), the small size of it, and the fact that I had a panel that people seemed keen for. People seemed to be interested in having a conversation at least and meeting the Australian people. 

Not this year — and I’m not sure if that is a function of the size, the panel not going as well as last year, or whatever. I felt lost and adrift and isolated even though I felt like I was surrounded by ‘my people’. The con seemed to be happening all around me and leaving me behind. It’s like I wasn’t in on the joke, or something. It was a dreadful feeling. 

My counsellor keeps telling me that comparison is the thief of joy but it’s very hard to not compare yourself to practically everyone else there who seemed to be having the time of their lives, and feel like something was wrong with you for not having an equally good time. So I think me identifying why I didn’t is an important part of internalising this for me, so that I can give appropriate space for people who did have a great time (of whom there are a lot!) without taking it so personally. 

BFC is a social space where I felt like I was being measured and I just didn’t stand up. I perhaps wasn’t being measured as closely last year as I was able to coast along on being a bit of a novelty. This year however, when push came to shove, I didn’t cut it. That sucks, but it happens. 

I don’t think there is any sense at all in continuing to bash my head against that wall. You only get so much time on this earth. Why go to an event I’m not equipped to have a good time at? The obvious answer is to either equip myself or try something else. And my attempts at the former have generally been unsuccessful, so the only rational thing is to do the latter. 

The babyfur community is still so important to me so what I’ve been trying to do is to put some energy into community building in Australia so that we can get a more cohesive local scene going. I hope that I can have a comfortable place in the community I help build. 

That place is, however, not overseas. It’s too painful to try and maintain these parasocial relationships when I don’t have the skills to turn them into real ones. Rather than just mope and moan about how no one wants me, though, to me the only thing to do is to try and put my efforts into local community building so that we can develop locally a community which is as cohesive and fleshed out as the one in the USA. I think that is a community I could really take part in, rather than driving myself mad trying to take part in a community on the other side of the globe. Even if I can’t really take part in that community, knowing that it exists and having experienced it to some degree is a powerful signal of what’s possible with some concerted effort. 

So as much as I desperately wish that BFC was my home, or a place to ‘be’ for me, it’s just not. I hope I can help build something that is.