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How To Orgasm Faster: 21 Techniques For Women To Try
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Kesiena Boom, M.S., is a sociologist and writer. She has a bachelor’s degree in Sociology from the University of Manchester and a master’s degree in Gender Studies from Lund University.
Clinical Sexologist & Psychotherapist
Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., LPCC, LMHC, CST, is a clinical sexologist and psychotherapist with 12 years of clinical experience. She is a licensed counselor in California, Florida, Georgia, and Louisiana. She is also a certified sex therapist, certified addiction professional, and president of the Therapy Department, a private practice in Orange County that provides counseling services throughout the United States.
The most popular type of sex that women have with men doesn't tend be conducive to female orgasm. Penis-in-vagina intercourse isn't likely to make a woman come. The real secret to how to cum lies in the clitoris. Here's everything you need to know and a bunch of techniques to try.
Despite what pretty much every heterosexual sex scene on-screen has led us to believe, the vast majority of women require much more than a few thrusts of penis-in-vagina intercourse to be able to reach orgasm. Namely, the key to getting off for most women is the holy grail of clitoral stimulation. According to groundbreaking research done by Shere Hite in 1976, in which she gathered data from over 3,000 American women about their sex lives, only around one-third of women are able to have an orgasm from penetration alone. Studies done since then have returned similar results. The data is clear: Clitoral stimulation cannot be sidelined.
However, researchers point to something called the "orgasm gap" as evidence that women are not getting their needs met. The orgasm gap refers to the phenomenon whereby men achieve orgasm during sex at much more frequent rates than women. Or to be clear, heterosexual women achieve orgasm much less often than their male counterparts. A 2018 study of U.S. adults found that 95% of heterosexual men said that they usually or always reached orgasm during sex, compared to just 65% of heterosexual women. Lesbian women on the other hand said that they orgasmed a solid 86% of the time. Clearly, the problem here is not inherent to women but rather to the men having sex with them and the focus on their pleasure alone. A 2005 study found an even starker contrast between the rates of orgasm, with 91% of men reporting an orgasm usually or always compared to a paltry 39% of women.
As the orgasm gap between lesbian and heterosexual women demonstrates, there is no physiological reason women should orgasm at deeply and consistently lower rates than men. The secret to achieving orgasm isn't tied up in biology. Rather it lies in the sociocultural and interpersonal realms. In order to come, most women need to feel relaxed, safe, and free from anxiety or shame—all conditions that can sometimes be a tall order in a patriarchal sexual context that attempts to coerce and control women's sexuality. That said, taking control of our orgasms as women can be incredibly empowering. We deserve pleasure too.
Below are detailed instructions on how to cum for people with vaginas, whether alone or with a partner. Have fun!
As counterintuitive as it might sound, the first step to having an orgasm is trying to not think too hard about having one. If you put an inordinate amount of pressure on yourself to come, you won't be able to access the relaxed frame of mind that is often necessary to send you over the edge.
When trying to figure out how to orgasm, sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, recommends that you get to know your body well: "I recommend that you first become familiar with your body and what brings you pleasure outside of sex," she says. "Have you ever looked at your vulva? Get a mirror and look at it. Do this often. Touch it and pay attention to the different textures and temperatures you feel as you apply different types of pressure. Figure out what's erotic to you. Do you know how your body responds when you're sexually turned on?" Use this knowledge as a base to build on once you begin to masturbate.
3. Experiment with different types of touch.
Try a wide variety of ways of stimulating your clitoris to see what works for you. Some ideas:
Use circular motions with the pads of your fingers with varying pressures (i.e., start extremely lightly so that you're barely brushing over yourself and slowly increase the pressure until you find what feels best).
Try tapping or flicking motions.
Curl your fingers toward your body and use the flat of your knuckles to nudge up against your clitoris.
Lie on your stomach with your hand or a vibrator under your clit and grind into it.
When in doubt, remember to alternate the two Ps: pressure and position.
Having an orgasm can be a full-body experience, so getting to that point should also be one too. Don't focus entirely on your clit. Play with your nipples, stroke or pull your hair, touch your inner thighs and your ass. Run your fingers over your neck and shoulders. Basically, imagine the kinds of touch that a lover would do for you and recreate them yourself. You could even use nipple clamps or a butt plug to ramp up the sensations.
AASECT-certified sex therapist Madeline Cooper, LCSW, says, "I tell my clients to think of what arouses them using their five senses—do you feel aroused watching or reading erotica? Do you like fantasies? Are there certain smells that are erotic, like candles or oils? Do you like listening to moaning or other kinds of noises?"
Vibrators are an orgasm's best friend. Many people swear by wand-style vibrators for guaranteed orgasms. They provide a deep and intense rumbling sensation, which can be overwhelming at first. A top tip is to try it over your underwear first and then build up to using it against your body.
Many people also swear by air-pressure sex toys, which use air to stimulate the clitoris and can be a good alternative if direct vibrations are off-putting for you. You could also use a dildo inside of yourself while you touch your clit for a double hit of orgasm-inducing bliss.
Lube is one of the most underrated additions to masturbation. Even if you have no problems getting and staying wet, lube can still feel amazing and intensify sensations. Don't be ashamed to reach for it when you're playing solo. Reducing the amount of irritating friction while you masturbate can make you more comfortable in general and therefore more relaxed and therefore—you guessed it—more likely to reach orgasm.
Listen to an erotic podcast, audiobook, or songs to get you in the mood before or during your masturbation session. Watch porn or look at images you find arousing. Hell, you can even write your own erotica! (If you're stuck, try to recreate a particularly hot previous sexual encounter or fantasy in words.)
Sometimes having an orgasm is a marathon and not a sprint. Lock your door, pull down the blinds, and put your phone on airplane mode so you have specific time put aside for your self-love. Don't try to quickly rub one out before work or going to meet your friends for lunch. You need to give yourself space to not feel stressed or under pressure.
Use the power of the breath to aid your masturbation sessions and get in touch with your body. "I encourage women to practice mindful masturbation, where they are focused on their breath as well as the physical pleasure they are experiencing during their touching," says Cooper. By focusing on deep, mindful breaths, you can access a deeper state of relaxation, which can facilitate an easier path to orgasm.
In tantric sex practices, breathing is also used as a tool to make your orgasm last longer and even to have multiple orgasms because it can help distribute orgasmic feelings through the body instead of moving toward a big "release" of the energy.
Once you're a pro, you can use these tips on how to make your orgasms even stronger.
How to cum during sex with a partner:
To have orgasms during sex, your partner needs to know what works for you—which means that, yes, you'll have to tell them directly what to do. Don't assume they'll just magically hit the right buttons for you!
Once you know what you like through coming by yourself, bring that information to your partner. It can be helpful to frame things in a positive manner; for example, you can say, "I really enjoy it when you XYZ. Could you spend longer on it next time we have sex?" instead of "You always stop doing XYZ too soon when we have sex."
Stand in front of the mirror and practice telling your partner what you like and how you want it. If you find it intimidating to be demanding and clear about your desires, then repeating it to yourself will help the words flow more easily out of you when it's time to talk to your partner.
To go along with the verbal communication, you should practice showing your partner precisely how you want them to touch you by using your own hands. Sari Cooper, LCSW, AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Center for Love and Sex in NYC, suggests lying down in front of them and demonstrating how you touch yourself so they can get an idea of what gets you aroused. You can explain what you're doing as you go along. This is not only instructional but can be super hot as well.
"Showing a partner what feels good can be super sexy for you and them," she says. "Take their hand under yours so they can begin to feel the pace, the choreography, and the pressure that feels delicious."
As mentioned previously, most women cannot come from penetration alone. "Over 80% of people with vulvas need direct clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm, and it can happen with or without vaginal penetration," Howard says. "While penetrative sex can add to a woman's arousal, paying attention to the clitoris is the way to a woman's orgasm." Try having sex in which your partner doesn't penetrate you at all and focus on oral, clitoral, and nipple stimulation and massage so you're extremely relaxed.
Sometimes variety and surprises can be sexy and can lead you up the orgasm path. Instead of following the expected route of kissing to oral to intercourse, try shaking it up entirely. You can also play with where you have sex: If you're used to always doing it in the bedroom, then try doing it in the living room or in the garden.
Do not any under circumstances be tempted to fake an orgasm in order to soothe your partner's ego. This does both you and your partner a disservice. They won't know how to really please you, and you won't...be pleased. It may feel easier in the short term, but by denying your partner the information you need to get off, you're eroding the trust that is meant to exist between you. Be honest and direct about what you need. Use masturbation as the opportunity to discover what kind of touch, pressure, speed, etc., you require, and then give your partner this know-how.
If you have been faking it in the past and need to tell your partner, then it can be useful to have the conversation when you're not actually in bed, i.e., when you're just on the couch watching TV or something, so your partner isn't in a current state of naked vulnerability when they receive the information.
6. Your orgasm, your responsibility.
"When having partnered sex, it's important to know that your orgasm is your responsibility," says Howard. "However, being able to communicate your needs to your partner can help them commit to your pleasure. And if they're not willing to learn about you, from you, it's time to let that partner go!" View your orgasm not as something your partner can give you but as something you both need to work together to achieve.
They're not just for masturbation! "Due to the various positioning of partnered sex, it can be more difficult to achieve much-needed direct clitoral stimulation," Howard says. She suggests that bringing vibrators into partnered sex can be a great way to make sure you're getting off. Involve your partner in picking out a toy that feels good for both of you. For instance, a vibrating cock ring can be something that gives pleasure for both parties as the vibrations will hit your clitoris when they penetrate you.
Most importantly when it comes to receiving the pleasure necessary to orgasm: "Take the judgment and body shame thoughts and put them aside and replace them with feelings of worthiness, patience, and entitlement to pleasure," Sari Cooper says.
An orgasm is something you are worthy of, not something to feel ashamed of or guilty for pursuing. Advocating for yourself and your needs and desires is a source of power.
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Kesiena Boom, M.S., is a sociologist, writer, and poet. She has a bachelor’s degree in Sociology from the University of Manchester and a master’s degree in Gender Studies from Lund...
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Dirty Talk: The Ultimate Guide For Beginners
October 2, 2020
Jordan Gray
Dirty talk can feel like walking through a minefield.
Most people feel completely embarrassed and ridiculous at the thought of trying it, because they’ve never been taught the basic guidelines.
In the bedroom, when someone says “Talk dirty to me baby…” the hopefully-soon-to-be dirty talker suddenly freezes up like a soaking wet roll of toilet paper thrown out of an igloo in Antartica.
“What should I say? What do they want me to say? Could I go too far? What if I can’t go far enough, or just sound lame, or stupid?”
Dirty talk is an often overlooked but very powerful aspect of eroticism. It activates the imagination, supercharges sexual polarity, and adds a steamy air of liberation to your naked shenanigans.
Just like sex itself, dirty talk is something that needs to be calibrated to whoever is receiving it. Maybe something that you qualify as ‘dirty talk’ is something the other person might find offensive, silly, or straight up insane, and vice versa.
Let’s clear the air and lay some ground rules.
This is the ultimate guide to dirty talk. I’ll walk you through the things to generally avoid, include, and steer clear of altogether, in order for you to dominate the world of dirty talk.
(For the record, I don’t believe in the phrase “dirty talk” since there is nothing dirty about sex, or talking about sex. Alas, this is what people call it, so I have to meet society where it’s currently at. I prefer to call it “erotic talk”, but that’s a subject for another day.)
I’ll get into specific phrases you can use momentarily, but first, some guidelines to help you get your black belt from the dirty talk dojo.
A good rule of thumb with dirty talk is to tell your partner what you want to do to them/with them before you’re actually doing it, and then, while you’re doing it, specifically describe what it is you like about it.
This is especially crucial if your partner is a woman. Women, in particular, are often aroused through the imagination. This is why erotic books like 50 Shades of Gray are infamous smash hits among female readers. Meanwhile, guys are dominating porn usage because their arousal has more directly visual triggers.
It can take a little more time to get a woman’s water boiling, so to speak, whereas a guy’s can go from Lake Placid to full-on tsunami in a matter of seconds.
This is partially because men and women are wired differently. Guys are more singular in their focus, whereas women can hold many things in their mind at once when it comes to sexual arousal.
You need to captivate her attention and replace whatever else is happening in her head with a stronger, sexier signal. If you do, those juices will start to flow and she’ll be way more receptive to getting intimate.
For example, you might have a female partner with a relatively high sex drive, but she only seems to get revved up when she’s “in the mood”, and you’re always left guessing as to when that is. She wants to have sex more frequently, but it just doesn’t cross her mind all that often. The solution? Dirty talk.
This skill is what separates the black belt lover from the fumbling grasshopper. Instead of trying to wishfully cold-start the engine with escalating physical touch, the master primes the motor by walking her to the climax with his words before he’s even laid a hand on her shoulder.
What you say will be based on what you authentically desire in the moment, or what’s turning you on, but it could be something along the lines of “I’m trying to get work done right now, but I can’t stop thinking about last week when we were 69’ing and your delicious juices were flowing into my mouth”. A comment like that will probably push them over the edge and have them pouncing on you.
Any statement about what you have enjoyed doing with them in the past, or that you are envisioning doing with them in the future, is a great way to ease into a more vocal sex session.
And while you’re fooling around, give your partner real time feedback about what you’re enjoying. It’s a great way to encourage them to give you more of that thing, and also gives your sexual play the added edge of becoming more of a multi-sensory experience.
For a lot of people, it’s the details of dirty talk that make it so much of a turn on.
For the record, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with statements like “Yeah, I like that,” “You look so hot right now,” and “I love having sex with you.”
But they can be supercharged in a massive way if you shift them each with a bit of descriptive detail.
“Yeah, I like that” becomes “Oh my god, keep doing that. I love your big/little hands all over my ass/balls/chest/etc.. You are the sexiest person on the planet.”
“You look so hot right now” turns into “You are better than any fantasy I could ever come up with. I fucking love you and your perfect/delicious/sexy big/little (body part).”
“My love, I love having sex with you” transforms into “I love it when you grab the sheets when you’re about to come. I love how your breath pauses when I put my mouth on your (insert partner’s preferred name for their genitals here). There’s no where else I’d rather be than inside of you/on top of you right now.”
One of the fastest ways to boost the power and erotic, engaging quality of your dirty talk is to start using multi-sensory descriptive words.
Most people dirty talk with two of their primary senses: sight and touch (i.e. “You look so hot/You feel so good”).
While there’s nothing wrong with sticking to your comfort zone by staying within the parameters of these two dominant sexual senses, there’s so much fun to be had by letting your descriptive imagination run wild.
A few examples of dirty talk phrases that use multi-sensory descriptions:
– I love how you taste/smell. I could get drunk off of your juices/scent so easily.
– You sound so sexy when I’m going down on you
– Mmm, baby, I love the sounds you make
– I want to fuck you until I can feel that sweet little pussy clenching around my cock
– I want you to cum so hard that I feel your cock pulsing inside of me
Every person has their particular trigger words that feel too jarring for them.
Some people adore their dirty talk to be filled with swear words, others hate it.
Some people want their dirty talk to include very clinical descriptions of their genitals (penis, vagina) while others want the dirtier street slang (cock, pussy, dick, cunt, etc.).
Other people like being called “you whore” while others prefer “my whore” while others still would never want you to call them anything close to the word whore during any of your lovemaking, ever.
Make sure you check in with your partner (outside of the bedroom, when you aren’t being sexual with each other) to see if there’s any
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