Tehran Declares Rush Hour a National Emergency

<p><strong>TEHRAN �</strong> Iran�s capital has officially declared its evening rush hour a �National Emergency,� joining a prestigious global list that includes plague zones, hurricane alerts, and Black Friday at Walmart. Following U.S. President Donald Trump�s command to �EVACUATE TEHRAN IMMEDIATELY,� thousands of citizens did what any terrified population would: they turned their city into a vehicular mosh pit powered by gasoline fumes and honking despair.</p> <p>�This is worse than when my cousin got married and everyone tried to leave at once,� said Mahmoud Eshraghi, a bread delivery driver who�s been stuck at the same intersection for 14 hours. �At least that time we had rice.�</p> <p>In a televised statement, the mayor of Tehran attempted to calm the public: �Everything is under control. Please remain in your vehicles until further instructions. Which should arrive sometime next spring.�</p> <p>Gas stations are now the new ground zero, with lines longer than Iran�s cultural debates over hair gel. Vendors have popped up selling kebabs, wet wipes, and �I Survived Evacuation 2025� bumper stickers. At least one man is reportedly charging 2 million rials for a single liter of gas and throwing in a free mixtape.</p> <p>Meanwhile, the Iranian version of Waze has crashed. The last reported directions included: �Turn left at despair. Continue straight toward existential dread.�</p> <p>In an effort to de-escalate tensions, Iranian authorities have installed DJ booths at major bottlenecks. One such booth in central Tehran blared classic Bee Gees tracks while thousands of motorists collectively failed to stay alive. A traffic official shrugged: �It�s working. People are now panicking rhythmically.�</p> <p>Across the country, families are fleeing in convoys made up of Peugeots, donkey carts, and at least one armored golf cart. A local cleric was seen directing traffic with a Quran in one hand and a megaphone in the other, shouting, �May God guide you to the nearest petrol station!�</p> <p>While Trump�s evacuation call has caused international alarm, critics say it�s unclear whether the command was based on intelligence or just indigestion. The White House has yet to clarify whether Trump mistook Tehran for a Cheesecake Factory.</p> <p>Psychologists now warn of �mass cognitive burnout.� According to Dr. Fariba Shirazi of the Tehran Center for Urban Anxiety, �When traffic becomes metaphysical, you stop worrying about destination and start questioning your own reality.�</p> <p>As of press time, one man has successfully left Tehran. He now lives in a field near Karaj with two goats, no regrets, and a handmade sign that reads, �I Told You So.�</p>