Teens Pissing Me To

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A Literal Pissing Contest: Your Best Stories About Peeing, Shitting, and Vomiting in Public
In an office building or a house, one can be long on bathrooms. But in the bustling city, or a town with only a few Starbucks, bathrooms can be few and far between. So what do you do—or do others do—when nature calls, and it’s an emergency?
I have personally never seen the Jezebel staff as excited to share stories as they were for this specific pissing contest. It seems everyone has shat or puked in a place they weren’t supposed to—or been shat or pissed or puked on. I personally have too many stories to name—like when I puked in every bathroom at the Jezebel offices after a bad salad, or when I vomited out the window of a cab and the driver gave me an empty gift bag to use as a receptacle instead.
Emma got peed at on Elizabeth Street, by a woman who was leaning against a car on a cold day. Emma said, “It was super cold and early in the morning so no one was around, and as I approached she yelled out ‘I JUST CAN’T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER!’ And then she pulled down her pants and peed on the ground. I mention it was cold because steam came off the pavement.”

Kelly Stout once saw a woman pooping and smoking on the A train platform at Port Authority. Kelly said, “A guy shouted, ‘You can’t do that in here,’ and she shouted back, ‘It’s too cold to smoke outside.’”
On Madeleine’s first New Year’s Eve in New York, she went to a house party: “The moment I got there, they left because they wanted to have a romantic New Year’s alone. But they were the only people I really knew at the party so, to manage my anxiety, I started drinking a lot, which turned into way too much, which turned into me barfing in the bathroom. I decided I had to leave and as I was pulling on my shoes, I lost my balance and fell face-first into a doorknob in front of the whole party.”
Apple MacBook Air (2020, 256GB) - Refurbished
Aimée was on a date at Pete’s Candy Store with a friend of her ex, and her ex was there too (I won’t ask questions), when all of a sudden she had to puke. She said, “I went to the bathroom and was puking in the sink while shitting in the toilet. Anyway, my ex and this date take me back to the place I was housesitting and I immediately go and throw up again and try to flush—and all the water had been turned off.”
But before we get to yours, let’s look at the worst times you got caught in a lie.
ChalupaBatwoman had to cover up a sleepover incident:
I was a bed wetter until I was like 8 or 9. One time at a slumber party I wet the bed in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping. So I took my underwear, rinsed them and stuck them in the freezer and staged the ‘frozen underwear’ prank on myself to cover my pee pee tracks and get some sympathy on side. Morning comes. Mom hosting discovers my undies and is mad at the other girls for what she perceives is bullying. They won’t fess up cause they didn’t do it. When my mom comes to get me the hosting mom says ‘So we had a little incident last night.’ My mom being my mom knowing I was an inveterate bed wetter was like ‘Oh no did you have an accident???’ Other girls heard. I got found out. Fortunately did not result in my complete ostracization but I still cringe at my 7 year old self.
DontBeSuchaBadHombreTina got caught in a very understandable college middle school situation:
I was away at school and I didn’t have all my stuff yet and I stole another girl’s soap to shower (I mean, I put it back, but noticeably diminished). She called me out on it and I panicked and lied and EVERYONE SMELLED ME to confirm it was really her soap, which of course it was.

And BusPassTrollop curls up and dies lied so hard she broke the law:
I was working a super shitty job. Sat in a cubicle with only a phone and sheet after sheet of names and phone numbers, calling people across this great nation to remind them of their doctors appointments. I wanted a day off so bad. I hated this job but was a bad spot in life and couldn’t afford to lose it. So I told my boss I had jury duty. Towards the end of my blissful day off he called and left a voicemail telling me to bring proof of my civic duty when I returned to work the next day.
I panicked. I went online, found the county seal and whipped up some bullshit jury duty notice, adding the county clerk’s signature.
He faxed it into the clerk minutes after I handed it to him. She told him it was fake, and she might press charges. I miraculously kept my job (did a lot of begging) & even found a much better one months later. No charges.
About six months later, I had to go to court for driving on a suspended license. Actually I’d already been to court for it, but this time I was supposed to go back to prove I’d done my volunteer work/paid fines, etc. He calls my name, and a bailiff walks up to handcuff me. There’s a grand jury indictment against me. Criminal impersonation and forgery.
20K bond. Had to call new job and tell them I was in jail. I was REALLY fucking stupid in my twenties.

And even though poor sickgirl123 didn’t exactly get caught, she still had to find out what pepper spray was the hard way and we’ll throw her a bone:
Once my nana had to babysit me and she doesn’t speak English (and she had no TV) so the day was going by very slow. I was looking around the house and found pepper spray. I did not know it was pepper spray, and I probably didn’t even know that was a thing at that age. Anyways, I thought it was one of those sprays you squirt into your mouth to make your breath smell good like in Dumb and Dumber. So I frickin’ coated my mouth with pepper spray like a goddamn clown.
Queue being unable to breath and vomiting all over the place. But I was too scared to explain what I did because my mom would have murdered me for doing something so stupid. In a panic my nana calls 911 and explains that I’m mysteriously choking and vomiting. The fire department comes and they question me if I know what caused it, I lie and say “I don’t know, it just started happening.”
Next thing I know there are cops called to clear out my nana’s apartment building because there might be toxic fumes in the ventilation system. Now the whole section of her apartments is cleared and they’re all checking to make sure it’s safe. They find nothing, my mom picks me up, and I just lived the most embarrassing experience of 7 year old life.
I never fessed up though, this is literally my first time telling this story to anyone. My secret shame.

Okay guys, piss all over that comment section!
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I have no memory of this, my mother told the story at my grandfather’s wake to our assembled relatives as a ‘remember the time Tammster...’ story. Anyhow, apparently as a small child - toddler small - she used to take me a playgroup. There was an older child, although still smallish, who would regularly just walk up to the littler babies and push them over.
She tried to do it to me one time too many, and, in an instinctive reaction akin to a squid releasing ink, I peed on myself. This created a small moat around me that no one wanted to enter and I was left alone, as she retreated to pick on a less damp and mildly aromatic child. ‘Aha!’ my tiny toddler brain went, “I have discovered Pee Fu.” So whenever I saw this other child, I would widdle a protective circle around myself. (And no, my mother refused to be set back in toilet training me and so would not return to nappies). We got thrown out of playgroup. On the other hand I didn’t get pushed over again until I went to Primary school (and I didn’t pee myself either) so on the whole a win.
I did grow out of it. I’m not saying I wouldn’t pee a defensive circle around myself if I was in a bad situation. I’m just saying it’s not my go to response anymore.
(...I also got thrown out of Sunday School for being difficult. I was not a social child).

A pissing contest, or pissing match, is a game in which participants compete to see who can urinate the highest, the farthest, for the longest, or the most accurately.[1] Although the practice is often associated with adolescent boys, women have been known to play the game, and there are literary depictions of adults competing in it. Since the 1940s the term has been used as a slang idiomatic phrase describing contests that are "futile or purposeless", especially if waged in a "conspicuously aggressive manner".[2] As a metaphor it is used figuratively to characterise futile ego-driven battling in a pejorative or facetious manner that is often considered vulgar.[3] The image of two people urinating on each other has also been offered as a source of the phrase,[4] perhaps implying that such a contest is not merely pointless but mutually harmful.
The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) defines a pissing contest as "a competition to see who can urinate the farthest or highest" and (in extended use) as "any contest which is futile or purposeless especially ones pursued in a conspicuously aggressive manner."[2] The first cited use of the phrase comes from a 1943 Study and Investigation of Federal Communications Committee hearing before the U.S. House Select Committee to Investigate F.C.C. where a politician[who?] was quoted as saying: "You boys have to understand … that I have to deal with a combination like that of Hartley-David; it is like having a pissing contest with a skunk." The OED's first citation of pissing match is from a December 1971 Washington Post story that says "One Western diplomat ... discounting the significance of the Sino-Soviet arguments ... described it as 'a pissing match, and I'm glad not to be caught in the crossfire'".[citation needed]
Urban Dictionary's crowdsourced definition describes the term as being used figuratively "to refer to a meaningless though nonetheless entertaining act in which people try to outdo one another in any way." Comments found there also describe pissing contests as literal competition "in which two or more people, usually (but not exclusively) male, urinate with the intention of producing the stream with the greatest distance."[5] The New Partridge Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English separates its definition of "pissing match" (a conflict involving "unpleasantries") from "pissing contest" (a conflict with negative attacks made by both sides). For "pissing contest" it offers a different image from other reference works: "From the graphic if vulgar image of two men urinating on each other". Both phrases are said to originate in the United States.[4]
Pissing contests usually, but not always, take place between males. Kacie T. H., in her book All is fair in pissing contests, describes a female pissing contest that she witnessed in Italy back in 2018, supposedly documented by Guinness World Records. This resulted in a record 30 foot arc, beating previous male records.[6]
Havelock Ellis, in his book Studies in the Psychology of Sex, describes a female pissing contest in Belgium, in which two women each stood over a bottle with a funnel and urinated into it, the winner being the one who most nearly filled the bottle.[7] Women can, once they have learned the right technique, urinate standing.[8] A comic song from 17th-century Belgium is about a similar contest, aiming into a shoe, between three women seeking to impress a man.[9]
There is also early Irish literature about female pissing contests. In the story "Aided Derbforgaill" several women compete to see who can urinate deepest into a pile of snow. The winner is Derbforgaill, wife of Lugaid Riab nDerg, but the other women attack her out of jealousy and mutilate her by gouging out her eyes and cutting off her nose, ears, and hair, resulting in her death. Her husband Lugaid also dies, from grief, and Cú Chulainn avenges the deaths by demolishing a house with the women inside, killing 150.[10][11]
Pissing contests are not unique to humans. Trevor Corson's The Secret Life of Lobsters describes a pissing match between lobsters:[12]
The American lobster urinates not from some posterior region of its body, but directly out the front of its face. Two bladders inside the head hold copious amounts of urine, which the lobster squirts through a pair of muscular nozzles beneath its antennae. These powerful streams mix with the gill outflow and are carried some five feet ahead of the lobster in its plume ... What the researchers discovered during the ensuing fights was that dueling lobsters accompanied their most punishing blows during combat by intense squirts of piss at the opponent's face. What was more, in scenes akin to a showdown at the OK Corral, the winner of the physical combat almost always turned out to be the lobster that had urinated first. And well after the fight was over, the winner kept pissing. By contrast, the loser shuts off his urine valves immediately.
Dwight Eisenhower is reported to have said of Senator Joseph McCarthy that he wouldn't "get into a pissing contest with that skunk."[13] Eisenhower's secretary of state, John Foster Dulles, used the same phrase in 1958 when asked why he had not responded to a statement by the French foreign minister that the French government had not been consulted about a crisis in Lebanon.[14]
The dispute between Carl Icahn and Yahoo was described as pissing contest.[15] A review of American novelist John Barth's work described it as "resolutely postmodern" in approach and criticised it with a statement that: "Prolonged exposure to this particular 'pissing contest' just left me wanting to tell Barth to parse off".[16] Steven Pinker's The Stuff of Thought: Language as a Window to Human Nature credits the "wordsmiths who thought up the indispensable pissing contest" and other crass phrases such as crock of shit, pussy-whipped, and horse's ass.[17]
The Hippie Dictionary, a fringe counterculture publication, described the arms race between the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. as a pissing contest in which each country developed bigger and more powerful weapons until "each super power" could obliterate the other multiple times over as well along with the rest of the world" and that "the term super power did not refer to intelligence".[18]
Alexander Pope included a pissing contest as part of the duncely games in Book 2 of The Dunciad (1728), with the winner awarded the female poet Eliza Haywood and a china chamber pot to the runner-up.[19]
A pissing contest takes place between two characters of the novel War of the Buttons.
A literal pissing contest and territorial marking is also depicted in Carroll Ballard's 1983 adaptation of Farley Mowat's autobiographical novel Never Cry Wolf.[20] In the movie Wolf there is a pissing contest between two competitors.[21] During a figurative pissing contest with a sleazy rival, Jack Nicholson's character confronts him in a bathroom,[22] shows him he has just taken his job, fires him, and then pees on his shoes saying, "I'm just marking my territory, and you got in the way". The competitor, played by James Spader, notes that he has "suede shoes" to which Nicholson replies "asparagus".
Director Steven Sebring's Patti Smith: Dream of Life (2008) captures Patti Smith in a "playful" pissing contest with Flea.[23]
The Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes includes a story about a husband and wife who compete in a pissing contest.[24]
^ Barber, Katherine (2004), pissing contest noun, The Canadian Oxford Dictionary, Oxford University Press, retrieved 2009-10-04
^ a b pissing, n., Oxford English Dictionary (2 ed.), Oxford University Press, 1989, retrieved 2009-11-04.
^ Wissenburg 2008, p. 177
^ a b Partridge, Eric and Tom Dalzell, Terry Victor, The New Partridge Dictionary of Slang and Unconventional English: J–Z, Volume 2, p. 1496, Oxford and New York: Routledge, ISBN 978-0-415-25938-5, retrieved via Google Books on November 8, 2009
^ Peckham 2005, p. 248
^ Miles, Sarah, Serves Me Right, Macmillan, London, 2019, pp. 53–55, ISBN 0-333-60141-6
^ Havelock Ellis, Studies in the Psychology of Sex, volume 2 (1942), p. 407
^ "A Woman's Guide on How to Pee Standing". 4 June 2003. Archived from the original on 4 June 2003. Retrieved 3 March 2019.
^ Jan Mommaert the Younger, Het Brabants nachtegaelken (Brussels, 1650).
^ "One day in winter, when it had snowed heavily, the men made pillars of snow. The women stood on the pillars, and said, ‘Let’s piss on the pillars and see whose urine penetrates farthest. The best of us to keep will be the one who can reach right down to the ground.’ None of them could manage to penetrate all the way through the pillar to the ground. They called Derbforgaill, but she wasn’t keen – she thought it was foolish. But she was persuaded, and went onto the pillar, and her urine penetrated all the way to the ground." The Death of Derbforgaill Ulster Cycle texts Book of Leinster (c 1160) Paddy Brown website
^ Carl Marstrander (1911), “The Deaths of Lugaid and Derbforgaill”, Ériu 5, pp. 201–218
^ Corson, Trevor (2004). "13". The secret life of lobsters: how fishermen and scientists are unraveling the mysteries of our favorite crustacean (Print). New York, NY: HarperCollins. ISBN 0-06-055558-0.
^ Bennett, William J. (2007). America: The Last Best Hope. 2. Thomas Nelson Inc. p. 316. ISBN 978-1-59555-057-6. Retrieved 2009-11-08.
^ Bingham, Colin, Wit and wisdom: A Public Affairs Miscellany, p. 196, Melbourne University Press, 1982, ISBN 978-0-522-84241-8, retrieved November 6, 2009
^ [1]
^ Teddy Jamieson No point in trying to be something you're not [1 Edition] March 30, 2002, p. 12 The Herald Glasgow (UK)
^ Pinker, Steven (3 March 2019). The Stuff of Thought: Language as a Window Into Human Nature. Penguin. p. 371. ISBN 9780670063277. Retrieved 3 March 2019 – via Google Books.
^ John Bassett McCleary The hippie dictionary: a cultural encyclopedia (and phraseicon) of the 1960s and 1970s Edition revised Ten Speed Press, 2004 ISBN 978-1-58008-547-2. 704 pages p. 25
^ Rogers, Pat, The Alexander Pope encyclopedia, p. 153, Greenwood Press, ISBN 978-0-313-32426-0, retrieved via Google Books on November 6, 2009
^ Sean Axmaker Never Cry Wolf (1983) Amazon.com video review IMDB
^ Maitland McDonagh Heeere's Johnny! The Many Horrifying Faces of Jack Nicholson; Wolf (1994) Alone in the Dark column October 25, 2009, AMC website
^ Linda S. Kauffman Bad girls and sick boys: fantasies in contemporary art and culture p. 118
^ "Dream of Life Review 03, 2009". SpinEarth.tv. Retrieved 3 March 2019.
^ H. Aaron Cohl, Barry Dougherty The Friars Club Encyclopedia of Jokes: Over 2,000 One-liners, Straight Lines, Stories, Gags, Roasts, Ribs, and Put-Downs Edition revised Black Dog Publishing, 2009 ISBN 978-1-57912-804-3. 512 pages, p. 301
Look up pissing contest in Wiktionary, the free dictionary.
This audio file was created from a revision of this article dated 5 April 2020, and does not reflect subsequent edits.
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