Teens Out Of Control 3

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Mood swings and confused emotions are common in growing teenagers. Anger is a normal emotion, but how your teen handles it is what matters. When a teen becomes really angry, there is often another emotion driving the anger. Dr. Cindy Gellner discusses five steps you, as a parent, can discuss with your teenager that will help them manage their temper.
Dr. Gellner: Face it. There are times we all let our tempers flare. But if your teen is more angry than you think they should be, it's time to put the fire out. I'll discuss ways to tame their tempers on today's Scope. I'm Dr. Cindy Gellner. Announcer: Health tips, medical news, research and more for a happier, healthier life. From University of Utah Health Sciences, this is The Scope.
Dr. Gellner: Your teen walks into the room and you can see it happen: they're volcano ready to erupt. It's true. All those hormones you hear so much about can indeed cause mood swings and confused emotions. Teens are under more stress today than ever as well.
They might be also one of those kids who really feel emotions intensely. But no matter what pushes their buttons, one thing is certain, there are times that they are going to blow a fuse. Anger is a normal emotion and there's nothing wrong with feeling mad. What counts is how they handle it.
Anger can be a really powerful emotion. So teaching teens how to manage it is sometimes a challenge. It takes plenty of self-awareness and self-control to manage those angry feelings. And these skills take time to develop. Little kids aren't very aware of what they feel. They just act it out in their behavior. That's why you see them having tantrums when they're mad.
But teens have the mental ability to be self-aware. They also have the ability for self-control, although they don't' know how to use it. Teens, or anyone, really, when they get angry, there's also another emotion that's the real reason for the strong emotion, such as hurt, guilt or frustration.
Help your teen figure out what else is going on. This is a great time to open up a discussion about feelings since teens usually won't open up on any day ending in "Y" unless they're forced to.
So there are five steps as a parent that you can tell your teen about that will help them manage their temper. First, have them identify the real problem. Did you just tell them no because they wanted to go out with friends and you said they need to clean their room? What are they really mad at? You, because you're being unfair? No. They're mad because they have to clean their room.
Then, help them think of potential solutions. This is where that self-control pause button comes in. Have them stop and think about the reaction, but don't just react out of anger. Ask them three things that they could do. They could yell at you and throw a fit. They could clean their room and then ask if they can go out or they can sneak out and run to their friend's house as fast as possible.
Third, they need to consider the consequences on each of these choices. Yelling at you will probably get them grounded. Cleaning their room takes work and they may miss out on some fun, but you'll probably let them hang out with their friends and then the bonus is they get to clean room. Sneaking out really ends well. When you do catch them, look out.
Next, have them pick a choice that they actually act on. By the time they've really thought this through, chances are you won't be yelled at and they haven't run away yet if they're still they're talking to you. So cleaning the room and getting to the fun is the best choice for all.
Finally, after they've made their choice and, hopefully, cleaned their room, then have them think about all that just happened. Did they feel they made the right choice? What did they learn about the decision-making process? Can they make the same positive choices on their own? Be sure to praise them for thinking things through before acting. Sure, these five steps sound like a piece of cake when you put them out there and everyone is calm. The real test comes when your teen is in full hothead mode.
Make sure your teen knows that there are other ways to manage their anger too. Lots of research had shown that exercise is a great way to improve your mood and decrease negative feelings because it raises endorphins, those happy hormones in our brains.
Listen to music. Have them wear headphones if their musical styles clash with your own. Writing, whether poetry, song lyrics in a journal or in a letter that they plan to rip the shreds and throw away, writing helps release intense feelings so they don't stand inside. Same with doodling. That's why adult coloring books are so popular right now. Some teens find that meditation and deep breathing helps.
Sometimes, anger is a sign that more is going on. Sometimes, it's a sign of depression. Sometimes, it's a sign that there is too much stress in your teen's life and they may be overscheduled or pushing themselves too hard.
Again, anger is a really strong emotion. It can feel overwhelming at times. Helping your teen learn how to deal with strong emotions without losing control is part of becoming more mature. It takes a little effort, a little practice and a little patience, but your teen can learn how to douse the flames and chill out with help and support from you.
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My 3 and half year old boy is out of control. HELP?!
This is my first time here and im at the end of my tether, my 3 yr old son has become so violent and disobedent im having trouble staying calm. im a single mum and i must be doing something wrong. i feel like a terrible mother. he doesnt listen to anything i tell him to do and just tells me no point blank. the naughty step doesnt work as he thinks its a game, taking a toy away doesnt work and he just hands over the toy and sometimes even throws it in the bin! he just doesnt care about anything. he throws tantums when he cant have/do something when he wants and when he is getting told off he just stands there 'listens' says ok and walks away. even at nursery he has started to hit children when they have a toy he wants or have said something he disagrees with! today he even kicked the teacher when she told him off for hitting a girl in the eye with a toy.
sometimes he is just an angel, i went to my doctor about it and she just said its normal, but during that time he was just sitting there reading a book.
im also having trouble with potty training. he knows to go to the toilet and is normally really good but when i go to my mums he always without fail has an accident, thats number one and two's! even if we sit him on the toilet every half hour he still does it. and i feel like its just to wind me up because he knows its not right. yesterday he said he done it because he likes me changing me him! i just dont know what to do anymore. i feel completely useless.
he has reward chart but he doesnt care about getting stickers or toys.
HELP?
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I cant help I'm afraid, but my just turned 3 year old wont use his potty either. he knows to wee and poo on the potty, he'll tell you all day. he'll even sit on it for ages singing songs, and nothing will happen, then as soon as he pulls his pants up, he does his business. He will hit sometimes when he's frustrated too. punched his poor daddy in the eye the other day. lol. its frustrating i know. you are not alone!
Exact same situation as you babe!!! I am also at my wits end, PM if you wanna chat/exchange notes xxx
hi
dont know if i can help but i do have 4 children and 3 of those are boys,
all children go throu different stages by the sounds of it ur son is just pushing the boundaries and seeing how far he can go with them, seeing how u react is a big tell tell sign to children about wether they can opush even further,
my boys have all reacted well to strict routines in the home,knowing whats happening and doing things at certain times,
i use the 123 method of discipline and that works for us, we do have trantrums but they are well control now as i dont give an inch they can roll around the floor screaming for aslong as they like they will be ignored,
i dont think u are a bad parent its just hard when u have a child who constantly pushes and appears to be naughty, there is always a reason behind the way they behave, like u said that u son wets himself as he likes u to change him, how about saying to him if it happens again i will not be changing u, u can change ur self or wear wet pants its ur choice, he maywell try this but as soon as he realises that u are not going to change him, u might find he stops wetting himself,
when he is naughty ask him why did u do that in a calm way and see what he says,
i dont use reward charts as i do not believe u should reward a child for not being naughty they have to learn how to behave in society without any encentives
dont worry this time next yr he will be a totally different child with a whole new set of behaviours lol
Hi,

not sure I can help either but do understand. My daughter is 3 and a year ago when her cousin was this age we felt so smug that she didnt act like her and have awful tantrums and hitting etc. Now DS is having them although not as bad as your son seems to but her cousin seems to be growing out of it so maybe there is light at end of tunnel?
Just keep going with discipline - is there something that you could use such as banning TV, park etc when he misbehaves? Also, do you think there could be something underlying it? maybe hes not happy at nursery?
Its probably just a phase- most parents of 3 year olds seem to go through this to some extent so chin up and hope it gets better!
Hi there

Sounds like you are really going through it - and on your own too. I think you maybe have to try and find his weakness - all kids have one - you need to find what it is that will really bother him if you take it away. I find the naughty step quite ineffective with my boy but he did respond better to a smiley/sad face chart - three sad faces and a toy goes away for 24 hours. How long do you try things for as has he picked up that if he does not react as you want you stop doing it? Kids are too clever for their own good sometimes. WHat about rewarding good behaviour i.e. with a treat like going out for a cake and then not allowing this if he has not behaved. I know this is bribery but it may at least get your authority back. Don't give in to him be strong even though it is exhausting. How does he behave for your mum? I find by being quite strict with mine I can then ease off if necessary but it is hard to get strict if he is not used to it. You could try cutting back on sugar - could be something he is eating making him worse. Othger than that not sure what to say - can nursery help at all??

xx
i had the same problem when toliet training! he would be fine at home and nursery then go to nannys house and accidents everytime without fail, only got better when we stayed for a week catsitting while my mum went on holiday! cant really advise but he'll do it eventually, as for hitting out just say 'no dont do that' firmly then walk off ignore for 10 mins. same principle as the naughty step as its there to remove the attention but if it becomes a game yourl have to try it casually. OR, try and have a meeting with the nursery and get them to advise you, its good to have the same discipline everywhere to create consistancy. if they sit him in the corner you do as well etc. best to get everyone involve, is the dad around? have you askedyour ds why he does it?
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naughty step won't work!! 3 year old out of control
This is my first time here and im at the end of my tether, my 3 yr old son has become so violent and disobedent im having trouble staying calm. im a single mum and i must be doing something wrong. i feel like a terrible mother. he doesnt listen to anything i tell him to do and just tells me no point blank. the naughty step doesnt work as he thinks its a game, taking a toy away doesnt work and he just hands over the toy and sometimes even throws it in the bin! he just doesnt care about anything. he throws tantums when he cant have/do something when he wants and when he is getting told off he just stands there 'listens' says ok and walks away. even at nursery he has started to hit children when they have a toy he wants or have said something he disagrees with! today he even kicked the teacher when she told him off for hitting a girl in the eye with a toy.
sometimes he is just an angel, i went to my doctor about it and she just said its normal, but during that time he was just sitting there reading a book.
im also having trouble with potty training. he knows to go to the toilet and is normally really good but when i go to my mums he always without fail has an accident, thats number one and two's! even if we sit him on the toilet every half hour he still does it. and i feel like its just to wind me up because he knows its not right. yesterday he said he done it because he likes me changing me him! i just dont know what to do anymore. i feel completely useless.
he has reward chart but he doesnt care about getting stickers or toys.
HELP?
I totally feel your pain as my little boy (same age) has turned into the devil child with pitch fork and horns included!

Dont feel like your failing him, as if you look back over the threads for this page you will see so many parents of 3yr old boys all in the same boat begging for help, its just a stage they all go through!.

Mine is currently going through the hitting, pushing and biting stage again (I hoped he had finished that when he turned two but it seems its back with a vengeance) and no matter how many times i ask him to do or not do something I may as well be speaking to myself. 

Its got so bad over the past couple of weeks he has been evicted out of one soft play centre and was severely warned in another (despite me hovering round him watching his behaviour and telling him).

I have been at my wits end with him at times and have found im getting quicker to loose my own temper with him especially as he has now learnt to answer me back (or on occasion he just stares at me blankly or growls at me???). The only thing I have found when out and about is the threat to take him home if he misbehaves, for example on Tuesday I took him to soft play with the warning that if he was unkind to anyone we would go straight home. Needless to say 10 minutes after paying him in he had started pushing this child around so I said goodbye to my friends and packed him up and took him home (kicking and screaming all the way, he was even begging to go back and promising to behave). He didnt like it one little bit and was a nightmare for the rest of the afternoon but he finally understood that mummy ment business. We went again to soft play on Thursday (so I could try again at having a coffee morning with the girls) and all the way there I warned him if he misbehaved again he would go home like last time and low and behold you have never seen such a well behaved child!. 

whilst im under no disillusion that this will cure his behaviour at least he knows mummy is not messing around anymore and i feel better knowing that im strong enough to accept the embarrassment of saying goodbye to my friends and frog-marching him out of the play centre, rather than just trying to control him whilst there.

Overall chin up I understand once they hit 4 (or there abouts) they turn back into our lovely little boys again!

well heres hoping! 
thank you guys so much! just hearing im not alone helps me alot,
im going to have a meeting with the nursery next week and discuss what we can do.
its horrible because i feel like he is the only one in his class that is this naughty and that none of the other kids like him :(he will only play with one boy and they are inseperable but the other boy will play with other kids and my one just likes playing with his best friend.
Last week nearly every child got an invite to a girls birthday but my son, and a few weeks ago we have a julbee picnic and they had to dance and noone would dance with him and his got so upset and frustrated that he just run away from everyone. it breaks my heart and i dont know what to do.
i have tried all your sugesstions before. taking away toys doesn't help, naughty step no, reward chart no, going home no because he will be just as naughty when we get home as if to punish me for taking him away, the 1,2,3 method works sometimes but hardly anymore.
He used to be really good for my mum and for his dad's mum but recently he has been worse and worse. i really hope he will get better because it hurts to think that he may go through not liked and with no friends because of the way he behaves. i just want him to be happy.
I can't sleep I'm dreading taking him to school tomorrow. What will he do this time? I'm so worried and helpless
Oh Kerryanne big hugs. I am a single mum with an almost 4yr old boy and I know how difficult it can be. My son is so stubborn, problem is so am I! For me the discipline side of things is definitely the hardest part of parenting. My son is normally quite well behaved but every 3 months or so he'll start pushing the boundaries again. I find standing firm and remaining calm works best for me. he also responds well to my 'serious I mean business tone of voice'! I would also say make sure you give him some undivided attention every day. My ds tends to play up more when I'm too busy to play. I have read a lot of books on toddler/child behaviour too and found some very useful tips, so maybe take a trip to your local library. Hope things get easier for you soon.
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I have a nearly 3 year old boy. I have been commanded into the nursery several times to discuss his behaviour and am now undergoing a formal proceedure for behavioural problems. He hits children with toys for
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