Teens Love Hugs

Teens Love Hugs

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Whenever an article about raising children advises that we hug our teenagers more – I inwardly cringe. For the record, I do think that it’s fantastic advice. Everyone can benefit from a good hug, especially a kid in the midst of all that horrific teenagery stuff like peer pressure, acne, dating, and hormones. I understand the benefit of insisting, “Come over here and hug your mother,” when they’re acting all prickly and avoidant. I can see how a sheepish, “Aw, ma!” is really masking how relieved they feel to be so safe and loved. And yet I rarely hug my teens. Not because I don’t love them, but because I think they might actually hate it.
I know full well the value of human touch. I raised my kids with lots of hugs, kisses, and even group hugs and family dog piles. But now that they arch their backs to get away when I hug them and beg me to stop, I hold back. My instinct is to say, “You’re still my baby so come over here and hug your mom!” I don’t say that though. As much as it feels like it, teenagers are not just little babies in adult bodies. They are young men and women. They are almost adults. They are individual people with their own preferences and comfort levels and personal bubbles. That bubble can get pretty wide with all those teenage hormones and angst and confusion.
I totally get it. If there’s one thing I learned from my teenage years, it’s that there’s nothing worse than feeling like an adult but being treated like a child. When I was a teenager I hated hugging my mom. I later learned that I’m just not a big hugger in general. I do thrive on hugs from my husband and children, but I get real awkward anytime I’m expected to hug anyone else.
I feel a little guilty not giving my teens something I know (whether they know it or not) could benefit them, but I just can’t put them in a situation I wouldn’t want to be in myself. If my kids don’t want to be hugged, they probably aren’t feeling neglected when I don’t hug them anyway. Looking back, I can see how my kids have always valued their space. When one of them was 4 years old we made a “special place” for him in a corner with blankets and books just so he could escape from other people for awhile. Another kid started sleeping through the night when he was only 3 months old. I had been used to rocking him to sleep but one night he was totally inconsolable. Getting frustrated, I decided to lay him down so I could take a breather. He was asleep in five minutes. From that night on he had to be alone in his bed in order to fall asleep.
Regardless of how much space our kids want or need, they still want and need to feel our love for them. So how can we show them if they don’t like being hugged? I’ve made an effort lately to make sure I verbally tell them I love them every day. Occasionally they say it back, usually they don’t. But that doesn’t matter. It matters that they heard it, and that they know it.
One thing I noticed was that my kids tend to feel appreciated and validated when they are listened to. As a frazzled mom of 5, being pulled in so many directions, it’s hard for me to give them my full attention. If I took just a few minutes each day to look my teens in the eye and listen and respond to what they are saying, they would definitely appreciate it. They would probably feel more loved that way than if I gave them hugs all day long.
I still want to hug them. And every so often I’ll ask for a hug and they’ll actually give me one. Once I even got a spontaneous hug initiated by my 16-year-old because he fell on my leg and it felt like he broke it. He felt really bad and so just gave me a big hug. Though I don’t recommend that method of getting hugs, I was appreciative all the same.
For the most part though, I’ll just keep telling them how much I love them and listening to them. At least then I’ll be there when they’re ready for another hug.
I've been a mom by profession for the past 17 years. My qualifications are: raising 5 kids and having a degree in Marriage, Family and Human Development from BYU (yes, that's a real degree). I'm particularly experienced in the areas of carpooling and diaper changing. My hobbies include watching crime dramas and absurd comedies when I have the time, reading when I have the attention span, and running when I'm not too fat. I'm also really good at oversharing and cracking myself up, usually at the same time.
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Hug It Out By Megan Cahn PUBLISHED: May 28, 2009
Megan Cahn covers all things beauty for ELLE.com. Before that she was a web editor at Real Beauty and CosmoGirl. She worked as a freelance fashion writer in Berlin and has contributed to sites like MarieClaire.com, HarpersBazaar.com, and Cosmopolitan.com. She is originally from San Francisco, but finally feels like New York is home. When she's not working she's riding her bike around Brooklyn and buying shoes that are too hard to ride that bike in.
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Teen hugging (that just sounds funny) has become such a big deal that even the New York Times is talking about it. I read an article this morning about this hugsteria that said hugging is now the accepted greeting for teens (whether you're a girl and a guy, two girls or two maybe even three guys), and if you aren't into it, well then, you might just not fit in. Because of this and the fact that the hug is a form of physical contact, some schools have gone as far as to ban hugging or impose a three-second rule. Wow.
When I was a teen my friends and I were big into hugging, and we still are. Actually, I just kind of awkwardly ran into someone I used to work with but wasn't really friends with and gave him a hug. My own actions actually kind of surprised me, and I did wonder afterward if that was totally weird of me. But according to the new teen standard, I was right on. Cool.
Personally, I don't think hugging could ever really be a bad thing, well unless people are getting left out of these hugfests. What do you think?
Are you a hugger? What's the hugging policy at you school? Is hugging really the new thing?
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©Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Hug It Out By Megan Cahn PUBLISHED: May 28, 2009
Megan Cahn covers all things beauty for ELLE.com. Before that she was a web editor at Real Beauty and CosmoGirl. She worked as a freelance fashion writer in Berlin and has contributed to sites like MarieClaire.com, HarpersBazaar.com, and Cosmopolitan.com. She is originally from San Francisco, but finally feels like New York is home. When she's not working she's riding her bike around Brooklyn and buying shoes that are too hard to ride that bike in.
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
Teen hugging (that just sounds funny) has become such a big deal that even the New York Times is talking about it. I read an article this morning about this hugsteria that said hugging is now the accepted greeting for teens (whether you're a girl and a guy, two girls or two maybe even three guys), and if you aren't into it, well then, you might just not fit in. Because of this and the fact that the hug is a form of physical contact, some schools have gone as far as to ban hugging or impose a three-second rule. Wow.
When I was a teen my friends and I were big into hugging, and we still are. Actually, I just kind of awkwardly ran into someone I used to work with but wasn't really friends with and gave him a hug. My own actions actually kind of surprised me, and I did wonder afterward if that was totally weird of me. But according to the new teen standard, I was right on. Cool.
Personally, I don't think hugging could ever really be a bad thing, well unless people are getting left out of these hugfests. What do you think?
Are you a hugger? What's the hugging policy at you school? Is hugging really the new thing?
The Scoop on Upcoming Disney Live-Action Movies
Demi Lovato Teases New Song "Substance"
The Ultimate Pride Playlist From LGBTQ+ Artists
J-Hope Shares Snippet of His New Song
Millie Bobby Brown Cast in New Sci-Fi Movie
Selena Gomez Talks "OMITB" Character Personality
Charli and Landon Were Spotted Holding Hands 👀
JoJo and Kylie Are “Setting New Boundaries”
The Trailer for "HSM:TM:TS" S3 Is FINALLY Here
All the Best Horror Movies Coming Out In July
Megan Fox Says She and MGK Have Gone to Therapy
See Photos From Shawn Mendes’s First “Wonder” Show
Seventeen picks products that we think you'll love the most. We may earn commission from the links on this page.
©Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

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