Teens Like Sex

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Teens Like Sex
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When do you know when your kid is old enough to have sex and wants to have someone sleep over at your house?
This question is perplexing many of my friends at the moment, the ones with teens around 15, 16, 17.
As with most parenting dilemmas, I had to figure this one out on my own a few years earlier than my friends because their kids are mostly younger than my eldest. I’m not sure if I got it right or wrong. But I’m happy with my decision and I’m happy to share how I came to making it.
My son had his first serious girlfriend at age 16 and she was a year older than him. It was a lovely relationship and lasted almost a year. The first time he asked if she could stay over, they had already been together a few months. I said sure and then I made her sleep on the couch in another room.
I have no idea what happened after I went to bed but I can guess because I’ve been 16.
Luca rolled his eyes at the fact he even had to go through the motions of separate rooms. He thought it was ridiculous. But I was adamant.
You can follow Luca on Facebook, here . 
I thought a lot about it. And eventually I realised I was being silly. I was also being a hypocrite.
Before I did a backflip and allowed her to sleep in his room, I reflected on my beliefs:
I also reminded myself that my son and his girlfriend were both over the legal age of consent. The law says they are old enough to have sex.
Sure, my parents didn't allow sleepovers before I was 18 but that didn't stop me having sex or even slow me down ( you can read about that here ). And just because I had certain rules growing up, being a parent is about making your own.
So that's how I came to allow my son's girlfriend to stay overnight in his room. With the door closed.
Here are some of the things you might be wondering at this point:
Yes, I had younger children in the house. Still do. At that time they were five and eight. But whenever they had sleep overs, their friends slept in the same room so it's not like they were aware of any big difference for their brother. And a 'bad' example? Again, see my beliefs above. Even if they did realise their brother was having sex (they didn't), there are lots of things older people do that young kids know they can't. Like drinking alcohol. Driving a car. Going out at night. Paying taxes.
Mia talks about her reasoning on the latest episode of Mamamia Out Loud:
Excellent question. Yes, my eldest child was a boy. Perhaps I would have felt differently if he were a girl but I don't think so and I don't plan to have different rules for our daughter. Let's see how my husband and I feel about that when the time comes......although based on the risks for girls having sex in parks and at parties and being filmed, it could be argued that it's even more important for them to be able to have their partners stay over.
This worried me for a bit. Was I responsible for upholding rules or boundaries for other people? In the case of my son's girlfriend, she was a full year old than him and I'd met her mother and spoken to her on the phone before when she'd joined us for a few days on holidays. If she'd raised sleeping arrangements with me I would have asked what she was comfortable with and then willingly complied.
But she didn't so I decided it wasn't my business to police what someone else's child was or wasn't allowed to do. My house, my rules. And my rule is that sleepovers in the same room was OK - for my son in this situation. Every parent has to make their own decision based on their own circumstances and their own kid.
In case you think our house is some kind of teenage sex den, let me alleviate you of that delusion.
My son has never had a girl I didn't know stay over. Or if he has (he probably has), they've been gone by the morning and I've been none the wiser. I assume he put them in an Uber to make sure they got home safely and treated them with the utmost respect because that's how he's been raised ( he wrote more about that here ) and that's the kind of man he is.
Now he is 19 and has another girlfriend and she stays over regularly and we all adore her and how can any of that be a bad thing?
What they do behind closed doors is none of my business.
As a parent, it can be hugely confronting to think about your kids having sex. I KNOW.
If they're little right now, the whole concept can feel surreal.
It's on par with thinking about your parents having sex.
I'm sorry for that mental picture. Please replace it with this image of me wearing a ridiculous outfit:
In my book, Work, Strife, Balance I have written more about sex and teenage girls, in particular. It's a hugely fraught area for parents. All my friends with teenage daughters are traversing terrain that feels far more complex and nuanced (and frightening) than my relatively straightforward decisions about my son.
So much of parenting, in my 20 years of doing it with mixed results, is about sorting what you feel you SHOULD do from what you believe, what you want to do and what your child wants.
I'm completely comfortable with my rules around sex under my roof even though I realise that the ability to have sex freely at home has always been one of the main motivating factors for kids moving out of home. Banning sex sleep-overs is a guaranteed way to empty your nest sooner rather than later.
So my kids will probably all be here until they're 30. I'm cool with that.
They have to buy their own condoms though. You have to draw the line somewhere.
Listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud here:

Do you agree with Mia? At what age is it ok for your kids to have 'sleepovers'?

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Sorry, completely irrelevant to this discussion, but I just wanted to praise you for the article about the non-heroism of cadel evans and sports stars in general - couldn't agree more, and very sorry to hear about the backlash. We definitely need more people that think about sport the way you do!
Why does the majority think sex is the be all and end all of human existence anyway? Ever heard of teaching something called self-control? We are not animals. I mean we are but we like to think we aren't. Self-control is an unfashionable skill in these hedonistic times, but it is actually very useful and important. How are you going to have a long, proper relationship and stick with that one person for life if you are always chopping and changing girlfriends and boyfriends every few months when you get bored with that person? When my parents got married they hadn't had sex with anybody and theirs was a lifelong, stable marriage. They were well into their twenties therefore, before having sex. Most teenagers don't have the emotional maturity to start having sex anyway. Sex is not a recreation or a sport believe it or not.
Oh come on, did you read what wrote? With most (not all) teenagers all they think about IS sex. Either they are doing it, wanting to do it or thinking there was something wrong with them if nobody wants to do it with them. As parents it's our job from an early age to be open and honest and be prepared to reply to the hard questions as well as provide them with the tools should they want to act on their feelings. Teach them to respect their bodies and not be afraid to experiment if they so choose. I believe you're fooling yourself if you think your parents weren't thinking about sex even if they never acted on it. Social norms of the day restricted couples acting on feelings out of fear of repercussions given that "marriage" was seen as the ultimate in coupledom. You're right in that teenagers don't have "emotional maturity", just lots and lots of hormones, so instead of condemning their thoughts and actions, give them the emotional stability to get them through this extremely tumultuous period of their lives.
there isn't a hard question about sex, the hard question is why the children [young people] are not guided at first to get an education.

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T wo articles in December's Family Planning Perspectives —both extensively reported in the New York Times and USA Today —might make you think that the nation's teens have just started to indulge in new, dangerous sexual practices that require a forceful response from public health officials. But look closer, and you'll see that the articles are less about health than politics.
Unquestionably, the sexual behavior the two articles depict is profoundly disturbing. One in ten boys aged 15 through 19, for example, has had anal sex with girls. Far more commonplace is oral sex, with teens now viewing it as something, like kissing, that you might do with someone you don't care about much. Many virgins, viewing oral sex as "not really sex," think they're remaining abstinent when they do it. So pervasive among teens has oral sex become, experts warn, that oral herpes and pharyngeal gonorrhea are on the rise. Most troubling is the growing acceptance of this "body-part sex" as early as the seventh grade. Some 12- and 13-year-old girls, it seems, consider fellatio the necessary price of hanging on to a cool boyfriend or looking sophisticated to friends; and, they reason, it removes some of the pressure to go all the way.
Yet neither article tells us much we don't already know. One study, based on data from as far back as 1988 and 1995, shows that the percentage of boys having intercourse or receiving oral sex, while high, has barely changed during those seven years. The second, more timely, study, based on interviews with health professionals about reports of rising oral sex among adolescents, found no consensus: some believe there's more oral sex; some think kids just talk about it more. The one recent behavior shift that is clear is the increase in younger teens practicing oral sex, a development reported in 19 newspaper stories in the past 18 months.
So if there's nothing really new here, why the fuss? The answer reveals itself in one report's title, "Oral Sex Among Adolescents: Is It Sex or Is It Abstinence?" With congressional funding for abstinence-only sex education about to reach its five-year limit, a regrouped public health establishment is here to say: it doesn't work. "What concerns me is what kids don't know. They're not protecting themselves," as Linda Alexander of the American Social Health Association told the Times . The clear implication: to protect kids, educators need to get into the specifics of oral and anal sex and teach kids how to use condoms and dental dams. Sound familiar?
The critics' recommended return to more "enlightened" sex ed isn't a solution; it's a proximate cause of the problem. According to the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, the main reason kids cite for avoiding intercourse is fear of pregnancy and STDs. Kids have decided, it appears, that oral sex is a safer alternative. In other words, it is our almost exclusive focus on "risk reduction" and "negative health outcomes" that has helped to mainstream teen oral sex. But if this dehumanized, soulless, loveless, and morally vacuous language is all adults have to offer, is it any surprise that middle schoolers see no problem with body-part sex?
A quarterly magazine of urban affairs, published by the Manhattan Institute, edited by Brian C. Anderson.

Fri., April 24, 2009 timer 3 min. read
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Middle-class Canadian girls are giving oral sex after school to pay for sweaters and handbags.
Worlds away from the poverty, neglect and drug abuse that are the hallmarks of prostitution, teenagers who appear bright and well- adjusted are prostituting themselves without batting an eyelash.
According to independent filmmaker Sharlene Azam's documentary and book, Oral Sex is the New Goodnight Kiss , the normalization of oral sex as an acceptable teenage activity has led vulnerable girls to use it as a way of becoming socially accepted.
For some in Azam's film, this ultimately leads to payment for sex because, after all, if they are doing it anyway, why not get paid for it?
Azam, 38, a former columnist for the Toronto Star , interviewed Canadian girls (and their parents) who had been discovered by school officials to be involved in sexual activity with groups of boys, as well as girls charged by police. This includes a prostitution ring at an Edmonton high school.
Parents, she says, were not paying close enough attention to their daughters.
Azam is married, with a 3-year-old daughter, and splits her time between Los Angeles and Vancouver.
Q: What sparked this documentary and book?
A: I was at a high school in Burnaby, B.C., researching sexual attitudes for a film I was working on when I was asked to talk to the students in the Flex Program. The Flex kids have been out of school for various problems. In that class, I met a lovely blond girl with perfect makeup and a Louis Vuitton bag who seemed completely out of place. I asked the teacher about her and was told that she had been recruited by a girl at school and trafficked to a small town where she was kept in a motel. That was the beginning of my research into teenage recruiters and the middle-class girls they target. This was a new kind of predator.
Q: You were able to get parental permission to film the girls who were under age. How?
A: Getting the releases was not difficult because the parents wanted to talk about this. There is no forum for them. There is no counselling. There is no social group for a mother whose teenage daughter is having sex with five men a night. The difficulty ... is for the mothers to finally take responsibility for what has happened to their daughters.
The girls were okay talking about giving oral sex to a number of boys – they didn't stumble with the words or appear shy or ashamed. The reason they speak about it unflinchingly is because it has become as benign and as acceptable as kissing. This is what our culture has become. Think back to the '80s when girls would blush when talking about their first kiss. We are way past that point with blowjobs. The real question is, "What's next?"
Q: A lot has been written about rainbow oral sex parties. What do the girls get out of it sexually?
A: I think Heather, 16, explains it best. "I began to associate my own personal power with giving a man pleasure. I liked hearing them make noises because it made me feel powerful to be able to affect someone in that way. I didn't know I had so much power."
Q: Has feminism failed young girls?
A: We failed our girls. What's happened to our girls? We have let Girls Gone Wild and the media culture define them.
Q: What is the boys' role in all of this? Did any of them have to deal with the consequences?
A: It is important to remember that the responsibility lies with parents, teachers and adults. Your question suggests that another adolescent should take responsibility for what is happening. Boys are downloading pornography on their cellphones. This is how they are learning how they are supposed to treat girls.
A: It is not as much a lesson as it is a warning. Who is going to save our girls? You asked me about feminism. I interviewed Gloria Steinem, who was a voice for women. Who is the voice for our girls? Is it the media? Is it boys' opinions of them? Is it the negative images of themselves that they've created from advertising imagery?
The book is available through thenewgoodnightkiss.com. The film aired on European television last year to an estimated 1 million-plus viewers.
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