Teens Ero Sex
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Teens and sex can be a risky combination. Find out how to talk to your teen about abstinence and contraception.
Few parents want to face the idea that their teens are having sex — but research shows that many teens are sexually active by high school, potentially putting themselves at risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). When it comes to teens and sex, the key is discussing the importance of contraception before sexual activity begins.
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Talk about safe sex with your teen even if he or she identifies as gay. He or she may still engage in heterosexual activities, and is at risk of STIs regardless of the partner with whom he or she engages in sexual activity.
When broaching the topic of teens and sex, it's never too late to talk about abstinence. Whether you feel strongly that sex before marriage is wrong or you simply want your teen to postpone sex until he or she is more mature, explain your feelings to your teen. If you share the reasons behind your beliefs, your teen may be more likely to understand and adopt your values.
Also ask your teen to think about his or her own values and hopes for the future — and consider how sex might affect them. Explain that:
Understanding birth control methods is an important life skill for everyone. Whether your teen decides to have sex or wait, make sure your teen knows how to prevent pregnancy and protect himself or herself from sexually transmitted infections.
Stress the importance of always using condoms during sex, even if your teen is using a second form of contraception.
Various prescription contraceptives can help prevent teen pregnancy. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists encourages adolescents to consider long-acting reversible contraception first — including intrauterine devices and contraceptive implants — as these options are highly effective with little thought required.
Prescription birth control options that help prevent teen pregnancy include:
Your teen will need to see a doctor to get a prescription for these types of contraceptives. Before scheduling the appointment, find out if she would prefer to see a female doctor.
Explain to your teen that the doctor likely will:
The doctor will also conduct a pelvic exam if your teen chooses an intrauterine contraception method.
Make sure your teen understands that prescription birth control isn't a replacement for condoms. Prescription birth control helps prevent pregnancy, but it doesn't offer protection from sexually transmitted infections.
Explain to your teen that it's always a good idea to make a decision about birth control before having sex. However, emergency contraception — such as the morning-after pill levonorgestrel (Plan B One-Step, Next Choice One Dose, Take Action) or ulipristal (ella) — can help prevent pregnancy if your teen doesn't plan ahead or contraception fails.
Make sure your teen understands that emergency contraception must be started as soon as possible after unprotected intercourse. The sooner the pills are taken, the more likely they are to be effective, though they may be taken up to 5 days (120 hours) after unprotected intercourse.
If use of contraception goes against your values, you might consider talking to your teen about natural family planning, which involves abstaining from sex during a woman's most fertile days.
Don't be afraid that talking to your teen about contraception will encourage him or her to have sex. Your teen is likely curious about sex and contraception, whether or not you bring up the topic. By being open and honest, you can help your teen make informed decisions and act more responsibly when he or she decides to have sex — whether it's now or years in the future.
If you're having trouble talking to your teen about contraception, ask your teen's doctor for help. He or she may offer advice on how to talk to your teen and accurately answer questions about contraception.
Teens may lack the maturity to properly and consistently use certain types of contraception. If your teen is thinking about using prescription birth control, make sure to explain the following to help her select a method:
If your teen is considering becoming sexually active, you might also provide practical tips — such as keeping condoms in a wallet or purse. Explain to your teen that use of alcohol and other drugs may affect his or her judgment and increase the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted infection.
Talking about sex and contraception with your teen isn't easy. However, your guidance can help your teen make informed choices that help protect his or her sexual health.
Mayo Clinic does not endorse companies or products. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission.
Talking with your teens about sex: Going beyond "the talk." Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/protective/pdf/talking_teens.pdf. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Forcier F. Adolescent sexuality. https://www.uptodate.com/home. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Chacko MR. Contraception: Overview of issues specific to adolescents. https://www.uptodate.com/home. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Fortenberry JD. Sexually transmitted infections: Overview of issues specific to adolescents. https://www.uptodate.com/home.Accessed May 4, 2017.
Widman L, et al. Parent-adolescent sexual communication and adolescent safer sex behavior: A meta-analysis. JAMA Pediatrics. 2016;170:52.
Potter J, et al. Predictors of parental knowledge of adolescent sexual experience: United States, 2012. Preventive Medicine Reports. 2017;6:94.
Ashcraft AM, et al. Talking to parents about adolescent sexuality. Pediatric Clinics of North America. 2017;64:305.
How you can prevent sexually transmitted diseases. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/std/prevention/default.htm?s_cid=fb2311. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Kaunitz A. Emergency contraception. https://www.uptodate.com/home. Accessed May 4, 2017.
American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists Committee on Gynecologic Practice. Committee Opinion No. 642: Increasing Access to Contraceptive Implants and Intrauterine Devices to Reduce Unintended Pregnancy. Obstetrics & Gynecology. 2015;126:e44.
Natural family planning. U.S. Department of Health & Human Services. https://www.hhs.gov/opa/pregnancy-prevention/non-hormonal-methods/natural-family-planning/index.html. Accessed May 4, 2017.
Laughlin-Tomasso SK (expert opinion). Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn. May 4, 2017.
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“Having ‘the talk’ — ideally, ongoing talks — is critical to our differently-wired teens’ well-being. We want them to get the scoop about sex from us, not their peers or online. We want them to avoid risky behavior. We want them to understand the importance of consent, what it looks like, and how to read others’ cues.”
I hadn’t given sex-ed much thought until our family moved to the Netherlands, just after my son turned nine. It wasn’t long before we noticed a more open approach to sex and sexuality there. Sex-ed for Dutch children begins when they’re four, and continues throughout their formal education. By the time they’re teenagers, they’re ready for the top floor at NEMO, the sprawling science museum in Amsterdam, which has a “Teen Facts” display about sex and puberty that would make most American parents blush.
Many believe the Netherlands does it right. Research shows that honest and comprehensive sex-ed programs result in fewer teen pregnancies, lower rates of STDs and high-risk behavior, more acceptance of sexual identity and orientation, and overall healthier attitudes about sex. These are all critical considerations for middle-school students with ADHD, whose lagging maturity and shaky impulse control put them them at risk for harmful attitudes and behavior. In one Danish study, researchers found that teen pregnancy was significantly more prevalent among teens with ADHD. Researchers concluded, “Our findings indicate that increasing the level of sexual education in children and adolescents with ADHD is beneficial.”
But acknowledging the importance of sex-ed for teens with ADHD and knowing how to do it aren’t the same thing. Many parents’ reluctance to engage in conversations with teens about sex (they may think it’s too late or that it will be too awkward) leads them to skip the talks altogether.
If that’s you, please don’t opt out. Instead, go all in. Having “the talk” — ideally, ongoing talks — is critical to our differently-wired teens’ well-being. We want them to get the scoop about sex from us, not their peers or online. We want them to avoid risky behavior. We want them to understand the importance of consent, what it looks like, and how to read others’ cues. If our child is LGBTQ+, we want them to know that we accept, love, and support them exactly as they are. We want our teens to become adults who have a healthy relationship with their sexuality.
Don’t worry if you haven’t had conversations yet — it’s never too late to begin. Here are some best practices to get you started.
Remember that sex-ed is about safety. Just as we teach our children how to cross the street and to buckle up for safety, sex-ed can keep our kids from harm. Having ADHD makes them more vulnerable. Make sure they have the knowledge they need to safely navigate situations (online and in person) that require recognizing the intentions of others and making smart, safe choices accordingly.
“The talk” should be an ongoing conversation. Sex-ed shouldn’t be a once-and-done kind of thing for any teen, nor especially for teens with ADHD. Look for opportunities in everyday life — something in the news, the plot line of a sitcom, a viral TikTok, a music video — to organically keep the dialogue going. A hilarious Saturday Night Live sketch might be the perfect opening for a (short and funny) learning moment.
Make sure your child has access to other trusted adults. While it’s critical that your teen knows she can come to you with anything, it’s also important that there are other adults she (and you) would feel comfortable talking with about sex — a therapist, mentor, or pediatrician.
Acknowledge any discomfort you feel. If talking about sex with your teen is uncomfortable, it’s OK to say so. Admitting it says to your teen that discomfort is normal and survivable. Says Amy Lang, a sex educator and founder of Birds + Bees + Kids, “It’s fine for your kids to be uncomfortable. Most of life is uncomfortable. And if they can’t be uncomfortable with you, their safest person, you’re setting them up for trouble. Everybody gets to practice being uncomfortable.”
Don’t omit talking about pornography. Parents avoid talking about porn because of embarrassment, and avoidance does our teens a huge disservice. Statistics show they will most likely be exposed to online porn (or seek it out) well before they leave high school. If you’re not sure about what to say, Lang suggests: “[Porn] is grown-up stuff. It’s not safe for kids, it can be very confusing, and it can really mess you up. It gives you ideas about sex and relationships that are completely wrong. The rule in our family is that we don’t look at porn. And if you do see it, let me know.”
Good sex-ed is more than a set of facts. While clear, honest, and shame-free information about health, safety, and consent is critical, so are conversations about your family’s values as they relate to sex.
Deborah Reber is a New York Times bestselling author, speaker, and the founder of TiLT Parenting, a resource for parents raising differently-wired children. Her TiLT Parenting Podcast—on which she interviews thought leaders in parenting and education—has more than 2.5 million downloads. Before launching TiLT, Debbie spent 15 years writing inspiring books for teen girls. Her most recent book is Differently Wired: A Parent’s Guide to Raising an Atypical Child with Confidence and Hope.
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Teens Ero Sex
