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When do you know when your kid is old enough to have sex and wants to have someone sleep over at your house?
This question is perplexing many of my friends at the moment, the ones with teens around 15, 16, 17.
As with most parenting dilemmas, I had to figure this one out on my own a few years earlier than my friends because their kids are mostly younger than my eldest. I’m not sure if I got it right or wrong. But I’m happy with my decision and I’m happy to share how I came to making it.
My son had his first serious girlfriend at age 16 and she was a year older than him. It was a lovely relationship and lasted almost a year. The first time he asked if she could stay over, they had already been together a few months. I said sure and then I made her sleep on the couch in another room.
I have no idea what happened after I went to bed but I can guess because I’ve been 16.
Luca rolled his eyes at the fact he even had to go through the motions of separate rooms. He thought it was ridiculous. But I was adamant.
You can follow Luca on Facebook, here .
I thought a lot about it. And eventually I realised I was being silly. I was also being a hypocrite.
Before I did a backflip and allowed her to sleep in his room, I reflected on my beliefs:
I also reminded myself that my son and his girlfriend were both over the legal age of consent. The law says they are old enough to have sex.
Sure, my parents didn't allow sleepovers before I was 18 but that didn't stop me having sex or even slow me down ( you can read about that here ). And just because I had certain rules growing up, being a parent is about making your own.
So that's how I came to allow my son's girlfriend to stay overnight in his room. With the door closed.
Here are some of the things you might be wondering at this point:
Yes, I had younger children in the house. Still do. At that time they were five and eight. But whenever they had sleep overs, their friends slept in the same room so it's not like they were aware of any big difference for their brother. And a 'bad' example? Again, see my beliefs above. Even if they did realise their brother was having sex (they didn't), there are lots of things older people do that young kids know they can't. Like drinking alcohol. Driving a car. Going out at night. Paying taxes.
Mia talks about her reasoning on the latest episode of Mamamia Out Loud:
Excellent question. Yes, my eldest child was a boy. Perhaps I would have felt differently if he were a girl but I don't think so and I don't plan to have different rules for our daughter. Let's see how my husband and I feel about that when the time comes......although based on the risks for girls having sex in parks and at parties and being filmed, it could be argued that it's even more important for them to be able to have their partners stay over.
This worried me for a bit. Was I responsible for upholding rules or boundaries for other people? In the case of my son's girlfriend, she was a full year old than him and I'd met her mother and spoken to her on the phone before when she'd joined us for a few days on holidays. If she'd raised sleeping arrangements with me I would have asked what she was comfortable with and then willingly complied.
But she didn't so I decided it wasn't my business to police what someone else's child was or wasn't allowed to do. My house, my rules. And my rule is that sleepovers in the same room was OK - for my son in this situation. Every parent has to make their own decision based on their own circumstances and their own kid.
In case you think our house is some kind of teenage sex den, let me alleviate you of that delusion.
My son has never had a girl I didn't know stay over. Or if he has (he probably has), they've been gone by the morning and I've been none the wiser. I assume he put them in an Uber to make sure they got home safely and treated them with the utmost respect because that's how he's been raised ( he wrote more about that here ) and that's the kind of man he is.
Now he is 19 and has another girlfriend and she stays over regularly and we all adore her and how can any of that be a bad thing?
What they do behind closed doors is none of my business.
As a parent, it can be hugely confronting to think about your kids having sex. I KNOW.
If they're little right now, the whole concept can feel surreal.
It's on par with thinking about your parents having sex.
I'm sorry for that mental picture. Please replace it with this image of me wearing a ridiculous outfit:
In my book, Work, Strife, Balance I have written more about sex and teenage girls, in particular. It's a hugely fraught area for parents. All my friends with teenage daughters are traversing terrain that feels far more complex and nuanced (and frightening) than my relatively straightforward decisions about my son.
So much of parenting, in my 20 years of doing it with mixed results, is about sorting what you feel you SHOULD do from what you believe, what you want to do and what your child wants.
I'm completely comfortable with my rules around sex under my roof even though I realise that the ability to have sex freely at home has always been one of the main motivating factors for kids moving out of home. Banning sex sleep-overs is a guaranteed way to empty your nest sooner rather than later.
So my kids will probably all be here until they're 30. I'm cool with that.
They have to buy their own condoms though. You have to draw the line somewhere.
Listen to the full episode of Mamamia Out Loud here:

Do you agree with Mia? At what age is it ok for your kids to have 'sleepovers'?
Sorry, completely irrelevant to this discussion, but I just wanted to praise you for the article about the non-heroism of cadel evans and sports stars in general - couldn't agree more, and very sorry to hear about the backlash. We definitely need more people that think about sport the way you do!
Why does the majority think sex is the be all and end all of human existence anyway? Ever heard of teaching something called self-control? We are not animals. I mean we are but we like to think we aren't. Self-control is an unfashionable skill in these hedonistic times, but it is actually very useful and important. How are you going to have a long, proper relationship and stick with that one person for life if you are always chopping and changing girlfriends and boyfriends every few months when you get bored with that person? When my parents got married they hadn't had sex with anybody and theirs was a lifelong, stable marriage. They were well into their twenties therefore, before having sex. Most teenagers don't have the emotional maturity to start having sex anyway. Sex is not a recreation or a sport believe it or not.
Oh come on, did you read what wrote? With most (not all) teenagers all they think about IS sex. Either they are doing it, wanting to do it or thinking there was something wrong with them if nobody wants to do it with them. As parents it's our job from an early age to be open and honest and be prepared to reply to the hard questions as well as provide them with the tools should they want to act on their feelings. Teach them to respect their bodies and not be afraid to experiment if they so choose. I believe you're fooling yourself if you think your parents weren't thinking about sex even if they never acted on it. Social norms of the day restricted couples acting on feelings out of fear of repercussions given that "marriage" was seen as the ultimate in coupledom. You're right in that teenagers don't have "emotional maturity", just lots and lots of hormones, so instead of condemning their thoughts and actions, give them the emotional stability to get them through this extremely tumultuous period of their lives.
there isn't a hard question about sex, the hard question is why the children [young people] are not guided at first to get an education.

DEAR DEIDRE I'm so desperate to have a baby I’m even considering seducing my stepdad
FUNERAL CLASH My late best friend's daughter stopped me from doing my eulogy at her funeral
PORN GUILT I love watching porn which shows women being degraded - but I feel guilty after
MUM-BELIEVABLE Husband's uncle is a paedo & in-laws accuse me of being helicopter parent
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been having sex with my friend’s son.
I didn’t seduce him but his mum says I obviously must have offered him sex on a plate and blames me.
My team and I are working safely from home but we are here to help you as always.
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I am 32 and he’s 19. He seemed a kid a year ago but very much a man when he came home from university after they closed in the spring.
We chatted at my friend’s birthday barbecue in the summer and I had far more to drink than usual.
He was flirting outrageously, telling me I looked so young I could pass for a student. It boosted my ego.
We ended up slipping away from the party and went upstairs to his room.
All the time he was kissing me he was undressing me too and we ended up having sex. It blew my mind.
The next day I felt so guilty I texted him to say we should stay away from each other but he bombarded me with texts and insisted we carry on seeing one another. He was too hot to refuse.
He had a row with his mum one day and blurted out about us. She’s stopped speaking to me.
She believes I cradle snatched her son. His dad and older sisters are not speaking to me either.
I confided in my mum and sister, and they disapprove and told me I shouldn’t get into a relationship with him.
Everyone blames me because I am older, and they think I took advantage.
Nothing could be further from the truth. He’s the one who insists we carry on and gets angry if I argue.
He’s been away at uni since October. Of course I couldn’t visit him but we’ve been very close online.
He’s told his family he’s seeing a girl at uni now, but he tells me he loves me and wants to tell them the truth when he gets home, which will be any day now. I am so scared of their reaction.
Do I call it off and do what everyone else wants, or carry on and risk losing everyone I care about?
AFTER finding love, we might assume our relationship will look after itself.
But we all change, and relationships require time and attention.
My e-leaflet Your Relationship MoT can help you avoid a crisis.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is unfair that everyone blames you. Of course it takes two to tango, but your instinct to call a halt to the fling right from the start was right.
Now you need to let age and experience speak and take a firmer line with your young lover. Be firm that it’s over.
He’s got no right to get angry. It’s probably linked to quite separate tensions with his family but that’s all the more reason to do what is best for you.
It’s not just the age gap, though at 19 he is looking for a very different experience from what is right for you.
You are risking losing people you care about and who care about you. They can see what you are not seeing right now.
Cut free from this guy and move on with your life.
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In a movie theater, according to a ticket-counter worker
At a crowded music festival, according to a seasoned festival-goer
In a parking lot, according to a teenage boy
At the beach, according to a lifeguard
In a bar bathroom, according to a bartender
In a cab, according to someone who has successfully pulled it off
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You can pretty much count on two things when it comes to sex in public places: anyone who says they’ve never thought about it is lying, and anyone who says they do it all the time and have never been caught is lying.
We’re here to help with the not-getting-caught part by pulling a list of some of the most popular places for a public tryst, and seeking out experts to share the best ways to actually pull said trysts off. Oh, and by experts, we mean anyone from former box-office workers and lifeguards to high school kids -- you know that people who typically can't have sex at their own home are among the best sources for this subject.
Obviously, partake in any of these at your own risk.
Step 1: See a shitty movie. According to a dude who worked in a small-town movie theater , this could potentially give you away. BUT it’s also pretty hard to pull off public sex during opening night of, say, Star Wars . “We had two teenagers come in and buy a ticket to one of the worst box-office movies ever," our source said. "It was so obvious, like they should have been in school, but I sold them the ticket.”
Step 2: Opt for a matinee, the earlier the better.
Step 3: Head toward the front. “You can see in the monitors who is seated where," our source told us. "These two were in the back-left corner. If there’s no one in the theater, you should go in the front -- even on the floor. I never would have seen them up there.”
Step 4: [Parental discretion advised] Step 5: If you’re a teenager, do none of this. “When I told my manager two kids bought a ticket to this film in the middle of the day, he told me ‘you need to go check in on them right now.’ Then he handed me a broom.”
Step 1: Wait for the headliner to take the stage. Frequent Bonnaroo and Outside Lands attendees (let’s be honest, you don’t have to hide anything at Burning Man), claimed this is the best way to achieve any small resemblance of privacy. “There’s always one time slot when there’s only one show playing, the headline band," one source said. "That’s when you make your move.”
Step 2: Tell your posse you’re dipping. When it comes to tracking location, festival-goers are not unlike park rangers. They travel in packs, maintain a well-marked HQ (read: balloon), and when one of their own goes missing, a manhunt will almost always ensue -- especially should certain festival antics come into play (we mean hula hooping, of course).
Step 3 (if there’s a camping area): Go there. If you can’t find your tent (because of all the hula hooping), or don’t have one, hide between the sea of others and pitch your own.
Step 3 (if there’s not a camping area): At OSL (Outside Lands), there’s no camping allowed, but what it lacks in tents, it makes up for in woodsy paths that lead to smaller, secluded stages. Go to one of said empty stages armed with a giant sheet or blanket.
Step 4: Wrap yourself up like a burrito and have sex in the dirt while you fist pump to “Ain’t Life Grand” playing on the main stage.
Step 1: Pick a busy lot. “People automatically assume empty parking lots, but that's actually worse," our source reported. "It’s more likely they’re patrolled because the place is closed. You're better off in like, one of those massive mall parking lots or Super Target.”
Step 2: Go to a somewhat abandoned part of it. The top floor of a parking garage, or far corner out of the way.
Step 3: Crack the windows so the Titanic -like steam handprint doesn’t bust you.
Step 4: Assume the (missionary) position. Not that riding someone in the front seat isn’t encouraged, or perhaps even preferable, but it’s more conspicuous. You’ll more likely be out of sight by keeping it low, with one person on top holding on to the side door and grinding away.
Step 1: Wait until dusk. If you want to actually do it on the sand with waves brushing up against you like those black-and-white movies, either get a life, or don’t opt for the afternoon delight. Remember: suns out, guns out. And by guns, we mean so many lifeguards and beach-goers not even a sand dune will keep you under wraps.
Step 2: Do it in the ocean. This tactic is even lifeguard-approved. “Honestly it’s pretty much the only way to guarantee you don’t get caught. Doesn’t mean we don’t know, just means we can’t really prove it.”
Step 1: Don’t go too divey... you actually want a place with a decent-sized bathroom situation -- not one with a single stall. Bartenders are more likely to get complaints if you bogart the sole john in the joint.
Step 2: Have one person take a fake phone call and walk toward the bathroom. The reason for the fake conversation is just distraction, and because it’s fun.
Step 3: Go for the guys' bathroom. This may sound gross, and might be (depending on how divey the bar is ), but according to bartenders, hitting the men's room head tends to be less, um, frowned upon. “Guys rarely complain if a girl wanders in the men’s room.”
Step 4: Pick the handicapped stall. It’s probably bigger than your studio apartment.
Step 5: Make sure there’s only one pair of feet that can be seen from underneath -- meaning one lucky person gets to mount the toilet.
Step 1: Dress appropriately. Not that you necessarily plan impromptu sex, but if you’re going in with a game plan, our source stresses this works best if the female counterpart is wearing a dress or skirt. “Removing clothes is obviously a bit more blatant.”
Step 2: Have the girl sit on your lap facing the front. “This isn’t really out of the ordinary when you’re riding i
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