Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Xxx

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Xxx
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6.6 / 10
X

April O'Neil and Casey Bones go at it, then the Ninja Turtles blow their green load on April O'Neil.

Director:

Lee Roy Myers

Stars:
April O'Neil ,
Chad Alva ,
Vuko ,
Seth's Beard

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31 min
-
Short
|
Adult

All Titles TV Episodes Celebs Companies Keywords Advanced Search
Fully supported English (United States) Partially supported Français (Canada) Français (France) Deutsch (Deutschland) हिंदी (भारत) Italiano (Italia) Português (Brasil) Español (España) Español (México)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
(2014)

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Like many other people, the original 1990 "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie has a very special place in my childhood. Even if the movie wasn't all that great, it was fantastic for what it was trying to be. Now we're in 2014, where our beloved turtles have been given a whole new lick of paint with a straight-up reboot and have the daunting task of winning the long time TMNT faithful over. Needless to say that for the most part, I am one fan that was not entirely won over. First and foremost, the Turtles. What is the fundamental premise of the TMNT? They're wise-cracking, pizza-eating, energetic teenagers that just so happen to be mutated ninja turtles that fight crime. The Turtles are goofballs, but in 2014, it's a little bit of a different story. There's still the humor, the jokes and comedy, but now the turtles are massive 6-foot-tall, muscle-bound turtle-men who have a very gritty feel to them, and when they're not in action, look way too real and off-putting. If they weren't green and didn't have shells, the Turtles would literally just be your average hulking action heroes. This franchise is about giant turtles who do martial arts. It's a goofy concept. Giving the Turtles a gritty makeover seems to miss the appeal of the characters in a fundamental way. However, despite the poor design choice of the Turtles, they really are a joy to watch. It might be a lot more serious than you'd expect from TMNT, but the Turtles are still wildly entertaining and more action-fueled than ever with the help of solid effects and choreography that bring the Turtle action to life. If you can withstand the eyesore that the Turtles' design brings, then there is still a lot of old school TMNT magic to revisit. For the movie's main plot, you have what is essentially the most painfully basic, generic action story that a film can get. The movie is so predictable, it's almost laughable. What is also very disappointing is that the Turtles are no longer fighting crime, even though that's what is essentially believed, but a basic supervillain. Yes, the ultimate TMNT villain Shredder is in the film, but not only does he not get the screen time or proper development he deserves, he's basically cast aside as a secondary villain to the "I'm rich but have to get richer" villain that is Eric Sacks. It's disappointing to not be able to see the Turtles fight their way through dozens of foot soldiers like the old days, with all of the witty remarks during combat intact. There are still funny lines sputtered during combat, but the action scenes are so limited that there's simply not enough of it. Not helping is the horrendous casting of Megan Fox as April O'Neil. In 1990, April O'Neil was the hot shot news reporter that made the amazing discovery of the Turtles and she developed an amazing bond with them. She was important to the story no doubt, but wasn't essential in the Turtle's story. Fast forward to 2014, and now April is nothing but the center of attention for everything in the movie, even essential back story information about the Turtles. Megan Fox amazingly gets much more screen time than the Turtles, and every time she comes on screen I cringe until our shelled heroes return. Not every action movie has to have an epic story line or to feel gritty and real. TMNT is supposed to be all about the opposite, but the unfortunate presence of producer Michael Bay is clearly felt in the direction of the film. From the camera shots, to the serious tone of the action to the slow motion parts, this movie has too much of a focus on seriousness, when it should be taking itself very lightly. Like I stated earlier, despite the off-putting design and feel of the Turtles, they still are a lot of fun to watch and are the lifeblood of the film. What is missing, however, is the strong character development of the Turtles. There isn't enough down time in the movie to really get to know them. Some of the best moments of the 1990 film were in the form of the Turtles hanging out, making jokes, eating pizza and training together. That chemistry was not felt as strongly in the new TMNT and the movie just assumes that you all ready know who and what each Turtle is all about. But all you really find out is that one is a jokester, one's a tech geek, one's the leader and one has anger issues. More down time and better character development would've given the Turtles the extra boost to make them the incredibly entertaining bunch they're meant to be. Being such a huge TMNT fan, I wanted to have higher expectations for this reboot. But with Megan Fox and Michael Bay attached, the poor look and design of the Turtles, along with the general off-setting feel of the film, I had to come in with lower expectations. There are some wonderful action sequences and the Turtles bring enough pop to the movie to make them likable and fun, but sadly, my low expectations were met in this failed attempt the reboot a childhood classic. 5/10

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Seriously, Michael Bay & Co. should pay me for sitting through this ridiculous pile of tripe. Grew up with the comics and cartoon show, loved the 1990 movie. Every sense I possess was repeatedly violated with this poor excuse of a greedy cash grab and pizza hut endorsement. I knew not to expect, well, anything really that has Michael Bay's name attached to it, but somehow still managed to be surprised at the sheer badness. The turtles themselves look strange, and act strange. Michaleangelo is like some weird semi-gangsta who is downright creepy in a continuing reference obsession with April O'Neil. Raphael is aloof, but exists little beyond that. That's as far as they went trying to define either one of them. Leonardo, the brave leader, was completely robbed of his personality, characteristics, leadership and anything that would define him, and has always in the past. He is instead a dissolved Bouillon cube in a large pot of water....bland, bland, bland. His voice (Johnny Knoxville) is miscast, and would've been better befitting either Mikey or Raph...that is if they'd bothered to give them any personality. The biggest violations however, lay with Donatello and Splinter, as it seems they thought that hyper-charging the characters would somehow make them interesting, endearing or watchable. "Donatello does machines" translates into exploiting him as a constant, textbook, super nerd. And he does absolutely nothing beyond that. Also, he looks like a Ghostbuster. Say hi to Dr. Donatello Stantz. Instead of making Splinter the wise, insightful, deep, sensei he always has been, he's instead to a cardboard cutout that does a lot of "action stuff". Don't get me wrong, the Splinter of the cartoon and comics could certainly hold his own, but violence was always the last resort, and had a rationale. (reminds me of what they did to Yoda in the Star Wars prequels.) And he learns Ninjitsu from a book in the sewer, gone is any mysticism or any pivotal, emotional, or vital connection to important characters in the story. Shredder is lame. There's no other way to put it. He is also a hyper charged extension "more blades piled on the suit will make him better!" He is unrecognizable beyond the pile of CGI blades, has no depth, no real motivation, and feels needlessly shoe horned into the "story" Especially since they terminated any connection with Splinter, or the long important history between them. (by the way, welcome to "plot convenience playhouse" when you find out that the turtles and Splinter were pets of April's when she was a girl. How convenient. The biggest human violation is no doubt Megan Fox, who continues to show she's a vapid, terrible actress, incapable of emotion, facial expressions, or the ability to close her mouth. She's absolutely terrible and is no April O'Neil. Michael Bay continues to have an obsession with Megan Fox like you would not believe. She also has no class, instead of choosing to take criticism constructively and look to improving herself and growing into a mature, capable lady, she instead publicly insults any who bashes this movie; (rightfully so) by saying "f**k you". Real mature Megan, and a great example for your children. The best actor of the bunch, William Fichtner. I'm still trying to figure out what purpose he served and why he's in this movie to begin with, I keep looking, but...folks, I got nothing' (why is Will Arnett even here?) There's also some defiance of physics as a mountain the size of Everest is apparently located not too far outside NYC, complete with a truck that slides down the side of it for ten straight minutes, with fast paced, confusing, unimpressive special effects. The turtles are ridiculously bullet-proof (which leads me to why are the foot soldiers carrying machine guns? Or any guns for that matter?) The answer I came up with: lazy. Why bother to have some Ninjitsu students, or experts, or extras, in your Ninja movie, when it's easier to have a stunt guy fire a gun. (That or the entire budget went to lame special effects.) Lots of low energy, thick glass shattering, metal side of van punching through escapes that make no sense at all. A yawn inducing, passionless, "tower rolling down the buildings of NYC" anti-climatic moments. Lame, just lame. The solution: a marathon of the late 80's cartoon followed by a viewing of the 1990 movie..just to prove that Michael Bay hadn't killed my soul completely. 1/10.
The script for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) was written during a corporate boardroom meeting at Paramount Studios. Like all lame, boring, stupid boardroom meetings, people (with no artistic talent) take turns blurting out the dumbest ideas. That is why we should not be giving non-artists such as MBA wallstreet types any creative control. They come up with the dumbest ideas with no respect to the source material. This movie is nothing more than a cash grab. Allow me to explain everything wrong with this piece of garbage. The casting is terrible. Whoopi Goldberg? Will Arnett? Megan Fox? Sounds more like the cast for a TMNT parody. Megan Fox displayed her worst acting to date. The ridiculously cheesy dialogue kept me cringing through the entire movie. "the 99 cheese pizza", the stupid elevator beatbox scene, the gwen stefani scene. This movie has FLAT OUT HORRIBLE!!! Fart jokes and pop culture references are NOT funny. I'm sure the actors felt embarrassed reciting their lines. The worst part is the &%#($(*# flying skateboard that Michelangelo has. It took away any sense of realism. I know TMNT isn't supposed to be realistic but the dumb flying skateboard is beyond ridiculous. Some guy who was on drugs probably came up with that idea in the boardroom. All the turtles acted and were designed to look like bad black stereotypes. They made Michelangelo look like Lil Wayne. Giving the turtles "SWAG" in order to appeal to a younger audience is just stupid. The turtles never had swag and making them into a parody of the Cash Money / Young Money crew is a terrible idea. The dumb hipster glasses on Donatello in order to appeal to the hipster crowd is another bad idea. Why the *&%* did they give him a stupid ghost busters backpack. The cheesiness of this movie is way over the top. The TMNT trilogy of the early nineties was cheesy too but not on this level. At least it didn't have #*($^$ flying skateboards and swag turtles. This movie represents everything wrong with the movie industry today. The corporate big wigs make all the creative decisions. It's time for the artists to take Hollywood back. CREATIVITY IS BORN OUTSIDE THE BOARDROOM!!

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There's hardly a kid born from the 80s who has never heard of this totally bodacious group of walking, talking, pizza-eating, street-fighting reptiles. It has always been a goofy saga, but it was also hip, action-packed, and colorful. Can the same be said about the latest adaptation? On the surface level, 2014's TMNT at least looks the part. It's a fairly breezy film that never takes itself seriously, packing on generous heapings of goofy comedy, stylish action scenes, and loads of special effects. The first half of the film takes its time to follow April O'Neil around, who inevitably uncovers the secret of the turtles' existence, and the outlandish Foot Clan plot to take over New York City. The last half of the film is pretty much all-out fighting and action, which includes a fight in the sewers, a lengthy chase scene down the slopes of a mountain, and a final showdown on top of a skyscraper. Thus, I found the last half of the film the most engaging. It's still not without its problems though. Despite the light-hearted tone and all the jokes, very little of it made me laugh outright. The humor is quite low-brow and doofy. Action scenes will be a hit and a miss; fight scenes in the film's first half are horribly shot and edited (on purpose nonetheless). Later scenes are still hectic, but are at least watchable and fairly fun. Scenes in between try their best to keep things rolling fast and without becoming droll, but without any major emotional investment, these scenes tend to drag a bit. Beyond the surface-level comedy and action, there's not much else to this film. The plot is pretty much a mash-up of typical TMNT fare and 2007's Transformers (also an adaptation of an 80s cartoon where human characters discover some weird life form and gets caught in the middle of a war nobody knew existed; both starring Megan Fox nonetheless). What plot the movie has is riddled with plot holes, and scenes that are simply way too unbelievable (maybe not a valid complaint for TMNT, but with the way the film tries to look believable, the film shoots its own creditability in the foot). The turtle characters are fun to watch, usually, and Splinter is one cool rat. They aren't terribly deep characters, but they are colorful, and there is just enough background to them to keep them from being total caricatures. Other characters aren't as good: April O'Neil is almost annoying as she obsesses over the turtles and shouts her findings at everybody she runs across. Her sidekick is a dork. Shredder is extremely flat, lifeless, and lacking in presence, serving little more than an excuse to have a boss fight at the end of the movie. The film draws some connections between all the characters to give their interactions more backing, but it only strains the creditability of the plot even further. The film's photography looks good sometimes and terrible at other times. Editing is choppy. Acting is pretty lackluster from the whole crowd; Megan Fox is far from endearing despite her looks, the voice acting can be a hit or a miss, and other actors don't really take their roles seriously, for better or for worse. Writing is pretty daft. This production uses okay-looking sets, props, and costumes. Locales are pretty small-scale most of the time. Special effects vary from good to bad. Music is okay (I got to admit that I found the end credits song catchy). This incarnation of the Turtles definitely has its flaws, but it tries to be a fun picture, and it is at least partway successful. Not everybody will be quite as easily charmed as I am, so I'm compelled to recommend approaching this movie with caution. 3/5 (Entertainment: Pretty Good | Story: Marginal | Film: Marginal)

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I'm not even quite sure where to begin with this movie. I mean, I had decent hopes for it. Leading up to it, so many people seemed to be taking it way to seriously. I mean, come on. Its about giant talking turtles who fight crime. Its not supposed to be that serious. Hoo, boy. I guess I'll just start by saying this (spoilers ahead), the changes they made to the origin story don't make any goddamn sense, both in terms of simple logic and quality narrative structure. They completely removed any connection between Splinter and the Shredder, so say goodbye to any emotional connection or tension that that would have brought. And this version Splinter wasn't the ninja master, Hamato Yoshi or even a pet/student of Yoshi. In fact, Yoshi seems to have been omitted completely. So, how does Splinter become a ninja master himself? He reads a book. I'm not even joking. After both he and the turtles mutate he finds a book and teaches himself. And it wasn't even at the very beginning. I mean when Splinter begin teaching himself, the turtles are already walking and talking. He not only learned all of ninjitsu but also somehow mastered it, without any instruction or sparring, in less than ten years? AND he taught it to the turtles? BULLSHIT. The turtles themselves are one of the few not-terrible parts of the movie. All of there individual personalities are right where they should be but we are also kind of short-changed on the amount of interaction they have with each other. A bunch of brothers together, gettin
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