Teenage Home Sex
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Teenage Home Sex
I remember very clearly the way I reacted when my friends discussed their teenage children having sex and the fact they planned to allow them to do so in the family home.
First I did the ‘I am vomiting in my own mouth’ sounds, and then loudly (and swiftly) declared there was absolutely no freaking way I would ever do anything of the sort.
Sure, my boys were just babies at the time, but even when they were old enough to contemplate such things it would definitely not be happening under my roof.
No ifs, no buts, nothing. That would not be happening in my home, because: ew.
That was maybe a decade or so ago, and what can I say except… things have changed.
At 13 and 14 years of age, there is much talk of dating, sex and all that goes hand-in-hand with both (excuse the expression).
I am currently across the legal age for intercourse in a range of countries, the flag that announces you’re gender fluid, and also what pansexual means.
Their dad and I have been divorced for a solid decade. Obviously, he’s a man, but for some reason my two boys prefer to talk all things of this ilk with me.
I have encouraged them (pleaded with them, if I am honest) to talk to him about this stuff — you know, 'man to man' and all that — but to no avail.
I am deeply flattered by this, but also infuriated. Because, damn it, why me?
But there it is; my boys, my loves, my only loves, prefer to talk intimate topics with their mama. While I never imagined I’d be cool with that, turns out I sort of am.
LISTEN: The Honey Mums podcast covers all kinds of parenting dilemmas. (Post continues.)
Now, a good 10 years later, I get where my friends were coming from when they declared they would allow their kids to have sex in the family home rather than, say, the local park.
At the time I was all for the park — the park and/or anywhere else, as long as I didn’t have to know anything about it. In hindsight, I was being naive or perhaps hopeful.
I didn’t like the idea of my babies being sexual beings. Here’s the thing, though: a sexual appetite is a part of life, a healthy part of life, even. And do I want my boys to lead healthy, full lives? Of course I do.
This is where things have changed for me.
Do I enjoy the idea they’re young men and, as such, will soon be entering into adult sexual relationships of their own? I absolutely do not. CATEGORICALLY do not.
I would like for my sweet, rosy-cheeked, innocent babes to stay that way forever, but even I know that would be selfish. Also unrealistic.
They are individuals with their own needs and wants and desires and it would be irresponsible (likely damaging) of me to refuse that.
As such, I can now say I will do my best to keep them safe, but I will also accommodate them and their growing into adulthood.
When I say that, I mean this: I will allow their girlfriends (or boyfriends - heck, it’s early days, who knows, right?) to stay overnight, as long as everyone’s parents are across this and are equally approving.
I will be cool with this. Encouraging, even. At least, as much as I can be, because *vomits in own mouth*... ugh.
Wait, scratch that: I mean great. Good for you, boys. High fives all round!
And maybe next time, stay at your dad’s. Please.
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Dec. 2, 2002 -- Forget lover's lane and the backseat of a borrowed car on a Saturday night, most teens are having sex at home after school. A new study shows 91% of sexually active high school students last had sex in a home setting, such as their own home, their partner's home, or at a friend's house. And prime time for sexual activity is before their parents get home from work.
The survey of urban teens also found that the more time teenagers spent unsupervised after school, the more likely they were to be sexually active, have a sexually transmitted disease ( STD ), or, in the case of boys, use tobacco or alcohol.
The results appear in the December issue of Pediatrics .
Researchers say the findings show boosting participation in after-school activities and increasing adult supervision at home or at community centers are worth considering as tools to help reduce risky behaviors like sex and drug use among youth. Until now, most interventions have focused primarily on promoting abstinence, refusal skills, and negotiation tactics.
The survey involved about 2,000 students from six urban public high schools who participated in a school-based STD screening program. Ninety-eight percent of the students were black and most lived in a single-parent home.
More than half of the students said they were at home without adult supervision for four or more hours per day after school; there was no difference in the number of unsupervised hours after school between children living in one- or two-parent homes.
Researchers found teens that were unsupervised for 30 or more hours per week were more likely to be sexually active compared to those who were unsupervised for five hours or less a week (80% vs. 68%). Among the 91% of teens who said the last time they had sex was in a home setting, 37% had sex in their own home, 43% at their partner's home, and 12% at a friend's house.
Fifty-six percent of the youths who had intercourse said it happened on a weekday, and 35% reported that it happened before 6 p.m. versus 21% after 6 p.m.
The effects of a lack of adult supervision were especially pronounced among males. Boys who were unsupervised for more than five hours per week after school were twice as likely to have gonorrhea or chlamydia infection as boys who were unsupervised less than five hours a week.
In addition, researchers found that the greater the number of unsupervised hours among boys, the higher the number of lifetime sexual partners the boys reported. Tobacco and alcohol use were also linked to larger amounts of unsupervised time among boys, but not girls.
Researcher Deborah Cohen, MD, MPH, of the RAND Corporation in Santa Monica, Calif., and colleagues say that given the association between lack of supervision and sexual behavior and substance use, increasing adult supervision may be an underutilized strategy.
"Parents and community members should consider increasing opportunities for supervised activities to determine whether this will reduce risk-taking among youths," they write.
In fact, the study found that students who participated in after-school activities were less likely to be sexually active than those who didn't participate (71% versus 59%).
SOURCE: Pediatrics , December 2002. -->
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DEAR DEIDRE I fantasise about walking out on wife after getting her pregnant to soften blow
HARD TO HEAR My family mock my new girlfriend and we are keeping romance a secret
SELFISH LOVER Boyfriend does not care if I orgasm - I feel taken for granted in the bedroom
WHAT ABOUT ME? Wife uses kids as excuse not to have sex so I'm considering having an affair
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been having sex with my friend’s son.
I didn’t seduce him but his mum says I obviously must have offered him sex on a plate and blames me.
My team and I are working safely from home but we are here to help you as always.
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I am 32 and he’s 19. He seemed a kid a year ago but very much a man when he came home from university after they closed in the spring.
We chatted at my friend’s birthday barbecue in the summer and I had far more to drink than usual.
He was flirting outrageously, telling me I looked so young I could pass for a student. It boosted my ego.
We ended up slipping away from the party and went upstairs to his room.
All the time he was kissing me he was undressing me too and we ended up having sex. It blew my mind.
The next day I felt so guilty I texted him to say we should stay away from each other but he bombarded me with texts and insisted we carry on seeing one another. He was too hot to refuse.
He had a row with his mum one day and blurted out about us. She’s stopped speaking to me.
She believes I cradle snatched her son. His dad and older sisters are not speaking to me either.
I confided in my mum and sister, and they disapprove and told me I shouldn’t get into a relationship with him.
Everyone blames me because I am older, and they think I took advantage.
Nothing could be further from the truth. He’s the one who insists we carry on and gets angry if I argue.
He’s been away at uni since October. Of course I couldn’t visit him but we’ve been very close online.
He’s told his family he’s seeing a girl at uni now, but he tells me he loves me and wants to tell them the truth when he gets home, which will be any day now. I am so scared of their reaction.
Do I call it off and do what everyone else wants, or carry on and risk losing everyone I care about?
AFTER finding love, we might assume our relationship will look after itself.
But we all change, and relationships require time and attention.
My e-leaflet Your Relationship MoT can help you avoid a crisis.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is unfair that everyone blames you. Of course it takes two to tango, but your instinct to call a halt to the fling right from the start was right.
Now you need to let age and experience speak and take a firmer line with your young lover. Be firm that it’s over.
He’s got no right to get angry. It’s probably linked to quite separate tensions with his family but that’s all the more reason to do what is best for you.
It’s not just the age gap, though at 19 he is looking for a very different experience from what is right for you.
You are risking losing people you care about and who care about you. They can see what you are not seeing right now.
Cut free from this guy and move on with your life.
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