Teenage Hard
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As we get older, we often long for the ‘simpler’ life of being younger again, before the adult responsibilities of work, finances, starting a family and wearing a tie right up to the neck.
But this view has to be through rose tinted spectacles – as much as being a teenager was an era of excitement and discovery, it was far more about angst, heartbreak and body odour.
While there will always be an argument over which gender has it worse during puberty (let’s face it lads, the moment the periods card is played, we haven’t really got a counter argument), the teenage years for a boy are extraordinarily difficult and whenever we have problems as an adult, we should remember some of these awful things which we survived as spotty, weird voiced youths:
Yeah, parents, bringing up a teenager is a nightmare as you have to be on the receiving end – but actually feeling the baffling angers and frustrations of a puberty created mood swing is just as bad, if not worse.
It’s not easy getting so worked up about the fact that you can’t find your favourite hoodie. Mood swings are confusing and exhausting.
It’s not just girls who have body fears. There is an enormous pressure on lads to look good as well and the dread of the PE changing room is every bit as real for a boy. Are we toned enough? Are we chubby? Does our puppy fat leave us open to training bra jibes?
And then there are the private struggles of penis size, pube quantity and just when and how your balls our going to finally drop.
That interim period between the voice of a cherub and the booming tones of a grown man would almost be funny if it weren’t so embarrassing. When you answer one question in class in three different pitches, you just want the ground to swallow you up.
It doesn’t matter how far things move forward in society’s progression relating to LGBT, one of the most bewildering aspects for teenage boys is the complex feelings of sexuality. With playground insults making it seem like something shameful to be gay, the fear of those all too normal wonders as you develop into a man put a big pressure on. While having thoughts either way doesn’t mean any definitive answer regarding sexuality, teenage boys struggle to share or understand these difficult concepts, especially among everything else confusing going on.
What the heck is that funk suddenly coming from your armpit? That day when no one stands near you at school and you refuse to take off your sweater even on a summer day isn’t one that a boy forgets. And that harsh lesson you get when you realise that trying to mask it with half a can of Lynx Africa makes it worse is one you vow to pass on to your kids before their sweat ducts even know what to do.
Everyone’s smoking. Everyone’s drinking. Everyone’s trying weed. Everyone’s having sex. Everyone except you were doing everything, remember? It was only years later that you realised that you could have saved yourself months of angst and dilemmas (and possibly an experience or two you ended up regretting too) that these claims were 95% bullshit.
Along with the stirring emotions that come with puberty will inevitably come that first REAL crush. When it is reciprocated or you are dumped by that person, you feel like you will never, ever love like that again. And, in a way, you won’t. While other loves ARE stronger, you will always remember this one as unique.
Whether from a romantic perspective or as friends, girls suddenly become intimidating or difficult to decipher during the teenage years. The reason being that girls mature at a faster rate – so while we are still learning the function of a roll on and have yet to figure out that it’s best to shred off that hairy caterpillar above our lip, the girls already have their own beauty treatments sorted and have waxed their legs more than once.
Stands to reason that their brains work differently too. And as it takes a while for us lads to catch up in general, girls often may treat boys their age with disdain. And it’s not great for the ego.
As you get bigger, so do the school bullies and it becomes more important to be able to stand up for yourself on the playground. However, the pressures and heirachy of a high school are akin to that of a prison – with top dogs and followers right through to the victims. Where primary playgrounds are all about hop-skotch and tag, high school ones are about avoiding the boys who can beat you up.
One day soon it may change but the onus remains on the boy to ask the girl to the prom. And for many still developing confidence and just having their first strong feelings for their crush, it is the most intimidating task a teenage lad can be asked to do.
With so much else to worry about during these years, what better time than now to study for the qualifications that could make or break your adult future? Yep, there are deadlines to meet, coursework to complete and exams to tackle and boys care just as much about these, despite the bad rap we sometimes get in the league tables.
Yes, he suddenly develops a life of his own. From the absolute nightmare of an assembly erection that you beg in your head will go down before the headteacher stops talking to the confusion of a strange dream leaving it feeling like you have wet the bed. Many teenage boys will know the trauma of trying to secretly wash their bed sheets – and then realising that they don’t know how to operate the washing machine.
Teenage boys have lots of urges and there are certain, harmless ways of dealing with these. But the annoying thing for a male is that there are certain aspects of this self discovery that require disposing of. And the balancing act of using socks and tissues without arousing (sorry) suspicion is tricky. You might as well not have bothered – every parent knows it’s going on from the moment they only see one of your Family Guy socks in the wash.
As adults, many of us now have to shave once or even twice a day. And it’s annoying. But that first tentative shave is a weird experience and the start of a process that you need to keep up with forevermore. You aren’t just shaving that horrible teen-stash away (at last) – you are shaving away your childhood.
And that sensitive feeling on your top lip is a window into your no longer innocent soul.
The need to make one’s mark on the world is at its strongest before you’re really able to. Whether it’s having a drink, staying out late, swearing at your parents that first time (oh, your mum’s face!) or bunking off school, you will feel the need to prove that you are independent and have a strong mind of your own. And you may end up cringing at yourself years down the line
In reality, nothing is in your control. Friendship groups start to veer off in different directions and crossroads open up before you. During your teenage years, you think that the time you are living in will be the most important and your lifestyle will never change. But change it does…
17…the discovery that real life is just as scary
…and part of the reason the teenage years are the worst ever are the fear that you won’t cope in adult life. You will learn how to write a CV, set up a bank account, have a long term relationship and figure out parking rules in the city. But because you have spent so much of your teenage years worrying about adult things as well as teenage things, while also subconsciously grieving the loss of childhood, there is simply no more complex time in a man’s life than being a teenager.
Be 15 again? I couldn’t think of anything worse.
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Posted July 19, 2015
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Reviewed by Kaja Perina
T eenagers are a unique and often self-contradictory breed. As a group, they strive for individuality yet crave peer acceptance. They act like they know everything and yet lack much experience. They feel invincible and yet are often insecure. Some teenagers thrive on testing and challenging authority. A few may be self-destructive.
It’s not easy when you have to deal with difficult teenagers in your life, whether they are your children, students, athletes, group members, or employees. What can you do in the face of a challenging adolescent? Below are seven keys to successfully handle teenagers, excerpted from my book “ How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult Teenagers ”. Not all of the tips below may apply to your particular situation. Simply utilize what works and leave the rest.
One of the most common characteristics of difficult teenagers is that they love to push your buttons and make you react negatively. This can be done in a variety of ways, including and not limited to teasing, disobeying, not listening, back talking, temper throwing, rule breaking, dismissing, haggling, and provoking. During these moments, the more reactive and upset you become, the more the teenager will think he or she has power over you - she has succeeded in pushing your buttons!
The first rule of thumb in the face of a difficult teenager is to keep your cool. The less reactive you are to provocations, the more you can use your better judgment to handle the situation. When you feel upset or challenged by a teen, before you say or do something that may worsen the situation, take a deep breath and count slowly to ten. In many instances, by the time you reach ten, you would have regained composure, and figured out a better response to the issue, so that you can reduce, instead of exacerbate the problem. If you're still upset after counting to ten, take a time out if possible, and revisit the issue after you calm down.
Since most teenagers want to experience greater independence and selfhood, some will inevitably challenge you in order to test the extent of their power. In these situations, it’s very important to set boundaries in order to maintain a workable and constructive relationship. The boundaries need to be articulated clearly and specifically.
The most effective boundaries (they can also be called ground rules, house rules, team rules, or codes of conduct) are those which are fair, reasonable, and can be applied consistently. If you’ve been dealing with a difficult teen for some time without communicating clear boundaries, state that from this point forward things will be different, and back up your statement with actions.
The first and foremost boundary in almost any situation is that you will be treated with respect. This means if the teen(s) is respectful towards you, then you will also accord her or him certain respect and privileges.
In addition to respect, and depending on the situation, there may also be a list of interpersonal, family, classroom, team, or employment ground rules. The list of boundaries should be relatively short but clear, and indicated in writing whenever appropriate.
Of course, some teenagers may deliberately challenge your boundaries to see if you mean what you say, and test how much they can get away with. Should this happen, apply the communication skills and strategies from points #3-7 below as you see fit.
3. Utilize Assertive and Effective Communication
Author and former presidential speech writer James Humes noted that: “The art of communication is the language of leadership.” This statement is particularly applicable when it comes to working with and motivating teenagers. When you face a difficult young person, strengthen your position by utilizing assertive communication skills. In “ How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult Teenagers ”, you’ll learn how to decrease teenager resistance and increase cooperation , eight ways to say “No” diplomatically but firmly, how to tell if a teenager might be lying , and six ways to negotiate with difficult adolescents.
4. When Dealing with a Group of Difficult Teens, Focus on the Leader
Many teachers know that when they face a group of disruptive students in class, it’s not necessary to deal with each offender individually. Often times, by being firm on the leader and having her fall in line, the rest of the group will follow. Another management technique is to separate the challenging persons physically (via assigned seating, different workgroups, etc.) so they’re less likely to form a clique and feed off of each other.
What works with students can also work with teenagers in other situations, whether they’re your children, athletes, employees, or group members. By focusing on the leader, and dividing and conquering unseemly behavior, a body of teenagers is more likely to behave appropriately.
5. In Mild Situations, Maintain Humor and Show Empathy
In relatively mild situations when a teenager is being difficult, show empathy by not over-reacting. Respond with a smile rather than a frown. Say to yourself with some humor: “there she goes again,” and then get on with your business.
Stay above the din. Avoid telling a teenager what to do in trivial matters. Persistent unsolicited advice may be interpreted as picky at best, and a threat to the young person’s individuating selfhood. At worst this may make you the “enemy” or “other side”. Allow reasonable room for the teenager.
When a teenager upsets you, instead of feeling angry, irritated, or anxious , give yourself some distance, take a deep breath, and complete the sentence “it must not be easy…”
“My son is so testy. It must not be easy to crave independence while still living with his parents.”
“My daughter is so resistant. It must not be easy to deal with her school and peer pressures.”
“This student is very unmotivated. It must not be easy to struggle with assignments and know he’s falling behind.”
To be sure, empathetic statements do not excuse unacceptable behavior. The point is to remind yourself that many teenagers struggle within, and mindfulness of their experience can help you relate to them with more detachment and equanimity.
6. Give Them a Chance to Help Solve Problems (If Appropriate)
Many difficult teenagers behave as they do because they don’t believe adults really listen. When you see a teenager upset or under some distress, offer the young person the option of talking with you. Say, for example, “I’m here to listen if you want to talk, okay?” Make yourself available and remind the teenager of this from time to time, but don’t insist on it. Use the “pull” strategy and let the young person come to you if and when he's ready.
In appropriate situations when you’re communicating with a teenager about her or his experience, listen without comment (at least for a while). Just be there and be a “friend”, no matter what your actual role is in relation to the young person. Allow the teenager to feel at ease disclosing with you.
Before offering any input, ask the teenager if she’s willing to hear it. For example, say “Do you want to hear what I think about this? If not, it’s okay. I’m still here to listen.” Again, use the “pull” strategy and let the teenager want to hear your feedback when she's ready.
When talking over issues, include the young person in discussions on problems and solutions. Solicit input. Ask, for example, "Given the desired outcome, how would you handle this issue?" See if they come up with any constructive ideas. Whenever possible, avoid insisting on a single course of action. Examine several reasonable options with the teenager’s input, and arrive at a mutually acceptable arrangement.
On the other hand, if what you hear are mostly blame, complaints, and criticisms, don’t agree or disagree. Simply say you’ll keep what they said in mind, and get on with what you need to get done, including the deployment of consequence.
7. In Serious Situations, Deploy Consequence(s) to Lower Resistance, and Compel Respect and Cooperation
When a teenager insists on violating reasonable rules and boundaries, and won’t take “no” for an answer, deploy consequence.
The ability to identify and assert consequence(s) is one of the most powerful skills we can use to "stand down" a challenging person. Effectively articulated, consequence gives pause to the difficult individual, and compels her or him to shift from resistance to cooperation. In (click on title) “ How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult Teenagers ”, consequence is presented as seven different types of power you can utilize to affect positive change.
Although difficult teenagers are not pleasant to deal with, there are many effective skills and strategies you can employ to minimize their defiance and increase their cooperation. It’s one important aspect of leadership success.
© 2015 by Preston C. Ni. All rights reserved worldwide. Copyright violation may subject the violator to legal prosecution.
Preston Ni is a professor, presenter, private coach, and the author of Communication Success with Four Personality Types and How to Communicate Effectively and Handle Difficult People.
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https://metro.co.uk/2016/03/20/17-reasons-being-a-teenage-boy-is-the-hardest-time-of-a-mans-life-5763475/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201507/7-keys-handling-difficult-teenagers
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Teenage Hard
