Teenage Family
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Teenage Family
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As youths' peer relationships become more central to their lives, there is less time available to spend with their family members. However, the lack of time is not the only reason for this shift away from family. As mentioned in the preceding section LINK, the quality of peer relationships changes during adolescence. These qualitative changes are due to greater cognitive and emotional maturity. As teens become more emotionally mature their relationships with their peers become more trusting, and more emotionally intimate. Cognitive development enables youth to better understand and anticipate the wants, needs, and feelings of their peers. This increased mental and emotional maturity means that adolescents are now better able to offer genuine emotional support and comfort to each other, as well as sensible advice. Thus, the family is no longer the only source of social support.
During early and middle adolescent years, there is usually more frequent conflict between teens and their parents. Often, this is because youth are trying to assert their individuality and are exercising their independence. As discussed in the Self-Identity Section , youth may rebel against their parents' rules and values as part of their identity development process. Sometimes youth openly defy these rules and values, while at other times they do so in private. They may be reluctant to discuss certain topics with their caregivers when they are afraid that such a discussion will get them into trouble.
Another reason youth may refrain from discussing certain things with their parents is to prove to themselves, and to their parents, that they can handle life's tough situations on their own. Instead, when teens turn to their friends for help, they are consulting with each other from a position of equal power and status, which is quite different from consulting with Mom and Dad.
Sometimes youth avoid conversations with their caregivers because they believe their parents "just won't get it," or anticipate that their worries and concerns won't be taken seriously enough. Still, most parents would prefer their children to turn to them in times of trouble. Parents can increase the likelihood of this by making every effort to carefully listen to their teens' feelings, before jumping in with solutions, or "layin' down the law." Moreover, parents should guard against trivializing the concerns of their teen.
Sometimes teens will "test the waters" by presenting their parents with a hypothetical problem of a "friend" and then gauge their parents' reaction to determine whether or not their parents will treat their own concerns with sensitivity. What may seem like a silly and insignificant problem to an adult with many years of experience can be a monumental problem for a teen experiencing a particular situation for the first time. Usually parents' best approach is to guide their teen to develop their own solution, even if the solution they select is not the most optimal alternative. Such an approach enables teens to practice independent decision-making while still benefiting from the wisdom parents can offer. When parents remain sensitive to these issues, it increases the likelihood that teens will discuss important problems with their parents.
Fortunately, this period of uncomfortable tension and conflict between youth and their parents does not go on forever. Typically youth will become closer to their parents again during late adolescence. As a general rule, if youth and their parents enjoyed a somewhat close, trusting, and loving relationship prior to adolescence, then these same qualities are usually restored during late adolescence when conflict lessens.
The conflict between parents and youth declines for several reasons. First, parents' roles change during late adolescence as they are no longer required to be the rule enforcer, or disciplinarian: Their more mature teens are now better able to police themselves. Second, because of their greater cognitive and emotional maturity, youth are simply better able to have more mature relationships with everyone, including their parents. As adolescents transition into adulthood, parents can begin to enjoy a friendlier and more peer-like relationship with their almost-adult children.
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Suitable for 9-18 years Relationships with parents and families: pre-teens and teenagers
Last updated or reviewed 29-11-2021
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Teenagers’ relationships with their parents and families change during adolescence, but teenagers need parent and family support as much as they did when they were younger.
When your child was young, your role was to nurture and guide them. Now you might be finding that your relationship with your child is becoming more equal.
You’re a source of care, emotional support, security and safety for your child, as well as practical and financial help. Your child still loves you and wants you to be involved in their life – even though their attitude or behaviour might sometimes send a different message.
Most young people and their families have some ups and downs during these years, but things usually improve by late adolescence as children become more mature. And family relationships tend to stay strong right through.
Adolescence can be a difficult time – your child is going through rapid physical changes as well as emotional ups and downs . Young people aren’t always sure where they fit, and they’re still trying to work it out. Adolescence can also be a time when peer influences cause some stress.
During this time your family is a secure emotional base where your child feels loved and accepted, no matter what’s going on in the rest of their life. Your family can build and support your child’s confidence , resilience , optimism and identity.
When your family sets rules, boundaries and standards of behaviour , you give your child a sense of consistency, predictability, safety and belonging.
And believe it or not, your life experiences and knowledge can be really useful to your child – they just might not always want you to know it!
Supportive and close family relationships protect your child from risky behaviour like alcohol and other drug use and problems like depression . Your support and interest in what your child is doing at school can boost their desire to do well academically too.
Strong family relationships can go a long way towards helping your child grow into a well-adjusted, considerate and caring adult.
The ordinary, everyday things that families do together can build and strengthen relationships with teenagers. These tips might help you and your family.
Love and appreciation Show your child how much you love and appreciate them. This can be as simple as saying ‘I love you’ each night when they go to bed or giving them a high-five.
Family meals Regular family meals are a great chance for everyone to chat about their day or about interesting stuff that’s going on or coming up. If you encourage everyone to have a say, no-one will feel they’re being put on the spot to talk. Also, many families find that meals are more enjoyable when the TV isn’t invited and mobile phones and tablets are switched off!
Family outings Try setting aside time for fun family outings – you could all take turns choosing activities. A weekend away together as a family can also build togetherness. Our article on teenagers and free time has more ideas for things you can do as a family.
One-on-one time One-on-one time with your child gives you the chance to stay connected and enjoy each other’s company. It can also be a chance to share thoughts and feelings. This might be as simple as going for a walk together, watching a movie, or telling your child a story. Or you might find a regular hobby to do together, like cooking or yoga.
Celebrate your child’s accomplishments Celebrating your child’s accomplishments, sharing their disappointments, and supporting their hobbies sends the message that your child’s interests are important to you. You don’t have to make a big deal of this – sometimes it’s just a matter of showing up to watch your child play sport or music, or giving them a lift to extracurricular activities.
Family traditions Family traditions, routines and rituals can help you and your child set aside regular dates and special times. For example, you might have a movie night together, a favourite meal or cooking session on a particular night, a family games afternoon or an evening walk together.
Household responsibilities Agreed household responsibilities give children and teenagers the sense that they’re making an important contribution to family life. These could be things like chores , shopping or helping older or younger members of the family. It helps to give your child some say in which responsibilities they take on.
Family rules Agreed-on rules , limits and consequences give teenagers a sense of security, structure and predictability. They help your child know what standards apply in your family, and what will happen if they push the boundaries. When your child is involved in making your family rules, they’re more likely to see them as fair and stick to them. Negotiating rules with your child can also help you to reduce and manage conflict with your child.
Family meetings Family meetings can help to solve problems . They give everyone a chance to be heard and be part of working out a solution.
Extra support If you feel that your family really isn’t connecting, you might find a family counsellor or other family support service helpful.
In this video, teens talk about relationships with parents. They talk about some issues that can cause tension between teenagers and parents: homework, sibling fights, boundaries and trust. Some teenagers feel their parents need to show more trust and give them more independence, but they also know that parents are mostly just concerned for their safety.
This short video demonstration shows how family meetings can help you and your children connect, plan activities and catch up on what’s going on for everyone. Family meetings are a practical way to build relationships.
This article was written with help from Diana Smart, psychologist.
Aremu, T.A., John-Akinola, Y.O., & Desmennu, A.T. (2019). Relationship between parenting styles and adolescents’ self-esteem. International Quarterly of Community Health Education , 39 (2), 91-99. https://doi.org/10.1177/0272684X18811023.
Barnes, G.M., Hoffman, J.H., Welte, J.W., Farrell, M.P., & Dintcheff, B.A. (2006). Effects of parental monitoring and peer deviance on substance use and delinquency. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 68 , 1084-1104. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00315.x.
Francis, A., Pai, M.S., & Badagabettu, S. (2020). Psychological well-being and perceived parenting style among adolescents. Comprehensive Child and Adolescent Nursing , 1-10. https://doi.org/10.1080/24694193.2020.1743796.
Guan, S-S.A., & Fuligni, A.J. (2016). Changes in parent, sibling, and peer support during the transition to young adulthood. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 26 (2), 286-299. https://doi.org/10.1111/jora.12191.
Moilanen, K.L., & Rambo-Hernandez, K.E. (2017). Effects of maternal parenting and mother-child relationship quality on short-term longitudinal change in self-regulation in early adolescence. The Journal of Early Adolescence , 37 (5), 618-641. https://doi.org/10.1177/0272431615617293.
Price-Robertson, R., Smart, D., & Bromfield, L. (2010). Family is for life: Connections between childhood family experiences and wellbeing in early adulthood. Family Matters, 85 , 7-17. Retrieved 1 July 2021 from https://aifs.gov.au/publications/family-matters/issue-85/family-life.
Rankin Williams, L., & Anthony, E.K. (2015). A model of positive family and peer relationships on adolescent functioning. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 24 (3), 658-667. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-013-9876-1.
Vassallo, S., Smart., D., & Price-Robertson, R. (2009). The roles that parents play in the lives of their young adult children. Family Matters, 82 , 8-14. Retrieved 1 July 2021 from https://aifs.gov.au/publications/family-matters/issue-82/roles-parents-play-lives-their-young-adult-children.
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