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Ah, the dick pic. A miracle of technology? A creepy nuisance? The Civil War love letter of our time? Regardless of your views on a guy’s Richard Picture, it is undeniable that there are only so many different ways to take a picture of your junk. Amateur cultural anthropologist (also known as "some girl on Snapchat") Reece took the time to create this safe for work, illustrated guide to the dick pic. I’ll add my commentary as we go. Let’s begin, shall we?
The Low Angle has many benefits and drawbacks. The forced perspective may make your Richard Attenborough (RIP) seem larger, but chances are your face will look at best dumb and at worst super, duper dumb. It’s just a fact that guys are terrible at making sexy faces, particularly while stretching their arms to hold a camera below their dicks. That’s basic science.
Depending on whom you ask, The Side Profile is either a classic of the genre or the lazy man’s dick pic. The plus side is you’re keeping it simple and focusing just on the dick. The downside is dicks are often not the most photogenic things. Sometimes putting something else in the frame is actually a good thing.
The Bird’s Eye View is the Wes Anderson shot of phallic photos. It presents your buddy in a new and interesting light. This raises the question of whether dicks need "new and interesting lights" in which to be presented. It’s a debate that will rage on in this country for decades to come until it tears us apart and we’re fighting brother against brother for America’s soul once more.
Technique 5: The Straight On (Reece skipped Technique 4! She’s a rebel! She looks at Math dead in the eyes and says, "Fuck you, Math.")
The Straight On, like The Side Profile is a lazy man’s choice. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the wrong choice. It’s the default option for dick pics. Don’t have time to Emmanuel Lubezki your dick pic set up? This is your best bet. Word of warning: this works best if you’re working with something impressive downstairs, because this technique is just going to show it as it is. Not a lot of room for puffery with The Straight On.
Technique 6: The Let Me Grab My Sack
The Let Me Grab My Sack is all puffery. It’s smoke and mirrors in dick-form. You’re not fooling anyone. Everyone knows that’s not what your dick actually looks like, so stop squeezing it to increase your stats. This technique is false advertising and as such should be avoided at all costs.
The Counter Flop is great in that it gives full context to your stuff, but it’s also a winner because it’s somewhat whimsical. It says, "Hey, I don’t take myself too seriously. Would a guy who takes himself too seriously just leave his dick sitting on this here counter? I think not." That’s a good look on a guy.
Conclusion: Reece provided an accurate list of the different types of dick pics, but remember the most important thing about sending pictures of your penis: It’s only fun if the other person explicitly expresses a desire to see your penis. If they don’t, keep it to yourself. And that’s one to grow on.
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There comes a time in every urologist's career that a patient makes a request that leaves a physician speechless. That question was "can you make my penis smaller"?'
Rafael Carrion, urologist at the University of South Florida
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Published: 09:46 BST, 12 February 2015 | Updated: 14:06 BST, 12 February 2015
A 17-year-old boy has undergone the world's first penis reduction surgery, surgeons claim.
The American teen requested the surgery after his penis grew too large, restricting his ability to have sex or play competitive sports.
The boy's surgeons were shocked when he came to them complaining that his penis was too big.
When flaccid, it measured almost seven inches in length and had a circumference of 10 inches - around the size of a grapefruit.
Surgeons described it as being shaped like an American football.
The surgeon who treated the teenager, Rafael Carrion, a urologist at the University of South Florida, told MailOnline: 'There comes a time in every urologist's career that a patient makes a request so rare and impossible to comprehend that all training breaks down and leaves the physician speechless.
'That question was "can you make my penis smaller"?'
A 17-year-old boy in Florida is thought to be the first person to undergo penis reduction surgery. The teenager requested the operation after his penis (pictured on an X-ray) grew too large
The teenager had suffered from several bouts of priapism - an unwanted erection, due to having a condition in which abnormally-shaped blood cells block vessels in the penis, causing it to swell.
These episodes had left his penis bloated and misshapen.
He said he was unable to have sex or play competitive sport, had difficulty wearing his pants due to his 'large and heavy phallus', and was embarrassed by how visible it appeared underneath regular clothing.
Though his penis was so large, it did not grow when he had erections - it merely became firmer.
'His penis had inflated like a balloon,' said Dr Carrion.
'It sounds like a man's dream - a tremendously inflated phallus - but unfortunately although it was a generous length, it's girth was just massive, especially around the middle.
'It looked like an American football.'
Dr Carrion and his team looked at the medical literature but couldn't find any precedent for what to do.
'Lord knows there's a global race on how to make it longer and thicker in plastic surgery circles, but very little on how to make it smaller,' he said.
In the end, they decided to embark on a surgical technique normally used to treat Peyronie's disease, a condition where scar tissue develops along the penis, causing it to bend.
The surgeons sliced along an old circumcision scar, unwrapped the skin of the penis, and cut out two segments of tissue from either side.
'It was a bit like having two side tummy-tucks - that's how we explained it to him,' said Dr Carrion.
The teenager said he was unable to have sex or play competitive sport, had difficulty wearing his pants due to his 'large and heavy phallus', and was embarrassed by how visible it appeared underneath clothing (file pic)
The doctors were able to bypass the urethra - the tube which carries urine through the penis - and all of the nerves that provide sensation.
The teenager spent just two days in hospital before returning home, apparently 'ecstatic' with his new penis.
The doctors did not take final measurements of the penis, although Dr Carrion told MailOnline the result was 'generous'.
'It's slightly longer and slightly thicker than the average male, but now it looks symmetrical, and the patient was very satisfied,' he said.
The teen now has no problem having normal erections and has full sensation.
'It looks cosmetically appealing, and he said it was a life-changing event, he's all smiles,' said Carrion.
Since the paper describing the surgery was published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Dr Carrion has only had one person approach him to request the same surgery.
He said: 'This [second] man seems to have a naturally large penis, because there's nothing unusual in his medical history, so it doesn't seem like there's any real abnormality in this case'.
Whereas the first teenager had an obvious medical condition that needed treating, performing surgery on someone who is completely healthy but having difficulties with the size of his penis is another matter, said Dr Carrion.
'These are controversial waters we're stepping in,' he added. 'Who is to judge what is a legitimate complaint and what isn't?
'You don't normally have men complaining about this kind of thing. These are very unique cases.'
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Ewww you play fartnite, and you spend money on a free game
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