Teen Virgins
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Teen Virgins
Erica Avesian is a successful young professional in the marketing industry. In her current role, she plans and executes high-end events and marketing projects for a variety of luxury and automotive clients. Erica has a Bachelor of Arts Degree from the University of Michigan with specializations in Communication Studies and Writing. She is an experienced writer who loves blogging about her personal experiences as a college girl and writing how-to guides for recent grads. When she's not writing, you can find her styling outfits for her best friends, traveling with her family, and hanging out at her happy place, Starbucks. Erica is obsessed with fashion magazines, Disney, and the color pink. In the future Erica would love to start her own online publication or be the next hit talk show host.
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You might think you’re one of the few college women who’s still a virgin, but, the fact is, you’re not alone! Based on HC’s Ultimate College Girl Survey , it’s clear a lot of you (actually, 43% of you) are virgins. You’ve probably wondered how you’d mention to guys that yes, you are a virgin, and even more importantly, how they might react. Will they treat you differently if they find out you’re a virgin? Do they want to know this personal information about you? Is it even a big deal to them? You can stop guessing, because I’ve gotten inside the minds of 15 college guys to learn how they feel about virgins and whether or not they’d be okay with your V-card status.
So you’re a virgin. What do guys think about this?
The guys surveyed were all over the map on this one: 25% think it’s a turn-on, 35% think it’s a turn-off, 20% say it depends on the context (whether it’s a one-night-stand versus a more committed relationship), and 20% say they don’t care at all.
They think it’s a turn-on if it’s a relationship
If it’s something more meaningful like the start of a new relationship or a long-term thing, guys consider a girl’s virginity to be a turn-on. “It means she respects her body and the power of sex,” says Matt*, a senior at the University of Michigan. “From a male perspective, it also keeps you from thinking solely about her in a sexual way because you know it’s probably not going to end up with that. Also, the thought of knowing that she hasn’t been with any guys makes her much more desirable, at least in my mind.”
Even though some guys might be surprised to discover that you’re still holding on to your V-card, most of them think it is very respectable. “She must be waiting for the right person,” says Garret, a senior at the University of Michigan.
Since Matt and Garret are only two people out of many in the world, it’s important to keep in mind that no matter what a guy thinks, you should never consider yourself more or less “desirable” based on whether or not you’ve had sex. No matter how much sexual experience you have had, you are always worthy of respect in a relationship — and in general, of course.
They think it’s a turn-off if it’s just a hook-up
The guys agree that virginity is more of a turn-off if they are just looking to hook up with you because they don’t want things to be awkward in the bedroom and they don’t want to go through the trouble of showing you how it’s done. Some guys get freaked out and think that a girl who is a virgin is either super religious or younger than she looks. “I tend to be a little more careful about what I say around her so that I don’t offend her,” Matt* says.
Not all girls who are virgins are virgins because they are religious or young, though! People choose to not have sex for a variety of reasons.
Are guys going to act differently around you if they know you’re a virgin?
Probably not — in fact, according to the survey, 80% of guys said they wouldn’t. “I don’t change my behavior based on a girl’s virginity,” says Luke*, a junior at Penn State University.
20% of guys surveyed said they would act differently. “If it’s something that I’m trying to pursue then I would probably change my language and strategy if you will a bit,” says Sean, a senior at Oakland University. If you notice this change in behavior from a guy and it makes you uncomfortable, you have every right to drop him — your sexual experience should not severely determine how a guy acts around you unless you want it to.
How do guys feel about dating a virgin?
Most guys (70%) are cool with it. “If I really like her then just being able to date her would be enough because if I like her then it’s important to me to support her choices in life,” says Chris*, a sophomore at Florida State University.
When it comes to dating you, guys care more about you as a person than your sexual past, no matter how much action (or lack of action) is involved. “I would wait until she was ready to do anything. I wouldn’t decide not to date her because she’s a virgin,” says Mike, a senior at Northeastern University.
The guys are also excited to explore the non-sex aspects of a relationship with a virgin . “I would actually not mind it at all,” says Matt. “It means that sex won’t be the cornerstone of the relationship.”
If a guy prefers to not date you because you’re a virgin, that’s his loss! There are so many other people out there who would be happy to be with you regardless of your sexual experience.
What about hooking up with a virgin but not having sex?
The guys feel differently on this one—50% are okay with it, 35% have bad feelings about it (if it’s just a casual rendezvous), and 15% say it depends on her feelings.
Half of the guys surveyed have no problem with hooking up with virgins. For the most part, they feel the same about hooking up with a virgin as they feel about hooking up with a more experienced girl. “It doesn’t mean anything, especially if you’re only hooking up,” Mike says.
“I definitely would want to make [the hook-up] memorable (in a good way) for her,” says Andrew, a senior at San Francisco State University.
Your sexual status isn’t the only thing that affects whether or not they will hook up with you. “Virginity doesn’t matter as much as personality and if she will go nuts after,” says Craig*, a sophomore at Northwestern University.
A lot of guys don’t like the idea of hooking up with a virgin during a casual encounter. Alex, a junior at Eastern Michigan University, says he’s a little more cautious with virgins.
If it’s just a one-time thing, they’d rather not show you the ropes. “I wouldn’t prefer to hook-up with a virgin at all,” says Cameron*, a 2010 graduate from San Francisco State University. “It would be frustrating. Again, I don’t want to have to teach someone when we only have a limited amount of time together (assuming a casual encounter/one-night stand).”
Keep in mind you are not obligated to tell these guys you’re a virgin at all — even if it’s just a hook up. Additionally, there are other things you can do during a hook-up besides have sex.
Some guys say they would feel bad hooking up with a virgin if they had just met her, but they’d be okay with it if they were in some sort of a relationship and could target how the girl was feeling. These guys say they like to put the girl first and make sure she is okay with the situation before going any further.“I would be okay with it as long as she felt comfortable about it,” Matt* says. “She seemingly has her reasons for being a virgin and I wouldn’t want to pressure her into anything she didn’t want to do.”
Should you tell a guy if you’re a virgin?
While every guy surveyed says he wants to know if you’re a virgin, you are under zero obligation to tell them if you are. If you’d prefer to just never bring it up or even lie because you’re uncomfortable sharing that sort of detail with a guy, that is totally valid!
If sex is in the picture, about 40% of guys want to know prior to the first time. 20% of guys want to know right away no matter what the situation is (hook-up, relationship, etc.), 10% of guys want to know at the start of the relationship, and 15% want to know when the girl feels comfortable telling them. As for the rest, 10% of guys say whenever and 5% of guys say they want to know by the third date.
In a relationship or soon to be relationship
You should tell him sooner rather than later, but only when you are ready. Matt* says he would want to know at the start of a relationship “so we both are on the same page with where the relationship is going and if sex is in the picture or not.”
Sean suggests letting this information out when it comes up in conversation. “What’s the big deal?” he says. “Not like, hey my name is [Sean], and I’m a virgin.”
If it’s just a hookup, guys want to know upfront because they might not want to continue with it. While a guy can choose to not hook-up with you if they don’t feel comfortable, keep in mind that this is not a reflection of you — there is nothing wrong with you if you’re a virgin and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to lose your virginity via a hook-up. And if a guy refuses to hook-up with you even when you’re willing and ready to simply because you’re a virgin, then he’s not worth your time,
About 40% of guys say they would just ignore it and continue making out with you. “Paul*, a senior at Western Michigan University, says to let him know when you’re closer to actually having sex. “Wait until it’s pretty clear we’re going to [have sex] before you need to tell me,” he says. “Or at least until we’ve established that I want to actually date you.”
Other guys aren’t opposed to learning you’re a virgin pre-makeout sesh. “I would appreciate knowing before we were making out, but this would still work because it gives me a heads up that I need to be observant to make sure she is comfortable with everything going on,” Matt says.
How does he feel about taking your V-card?
The guys all agree that they would not want to take a girl’s virginity on a one-night-stand, but they would feel on top of the world if they took their girlfriend’s virginity. But again: keep in mind that you don’t have to tell a guy you’re a virgin during a one-night-stand! Additionally, if you do tell him, don’t bother wasting your time on a guy who wanted to have sex with you up until the point he found out that you’re a virgin.
“If it was a drunken hook-up, I would feel terrible that her first time was not as special as it should have been. If I had been dating her for months or years and she decides that it is time I would be very satisfied with taking it because it meant that she chose me after careful consideration,” Matt says.
Phil agrees. “Fine, if we were dating. Not so fine, if I just brought her home from the bar and was gonna call her a cab in the morning.”
Here’s what else the guys had to say about taking a girl’s virginity:
The bottom line is this : don’t worry if you’re still a virgin, because it’s no big deal . Ultimately, it is no one’s business if you have had sex or not. You are absolutely allowed to withhold that sort of information from someone if you want, or even lie. Also, virginity means different things to different people and matters more to some people than others. Some people see sex as no big deal and aren’t opposed to losing their virginity during a one-night-stand, while others would prefer to wait until they’re in a relationship with someone they trust; and some people are right in the middle. No matter how you spin it, being a virgin literally does not matter at all and is definitely the least interesting aspect of who you are as a woman.
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The concept of " virginity " for people with vaginas has a complicated history, and has often been (incorrectly) linked to the hymen breaking. Bleeding after sexual intercourse was (also incorrectly) thought to be proof of an unbroken hymen, and thus, proof that a person had not had sex before.
This is, of course, a deeply heteronormative way of thinking about sex, and the reality is that the state of your hymen may have nothing to do with sexual activity. Unfortunately, sex education in the U.S. leaves a lot of people with vaginas unsure of their own anatomy. It’s not at all uncommon — years into being sexually active, even — for people to wonder: “What is a hymen, really?”
With the help of Jessica Shepherd , MD, MBA, FACOG, a board-certified OB-GYN and Chief Medical Officer at Verywell Health, and Mackenzie Piper , MPH, CHES, a health and sex educator with Healthy Teen Network, we're going to separate hymen fact from fiction. We’ll answer some common questions about the hymen, like “what is a hymen” and “how does it break”? And we’ll also unpack its complicated relationship with the historical concept of virginity. So, read on for nine facts you need to know about this tiny tissue.
In this article, you’ll find answers to:
In the simplest terms, the hymen is “a thin membrane that surrounds the opening to the vagina ," explains Dr. Shepherd. It’s just fine, stretchy tissue left over from the way vaginas form in the womb, and it doesn’t really serve a purpose. The hymen has no known biological function and it does not, in any way, indicate whether or someone has engaged in sexual activity.
Despite the outsized role that “cherry popping” plays in the way we talk about virginity, it should be noted, too, that some people with vaginas are born without a hymen in the first place. For others, their hymen may be so small that, as Dr. Shepherd put it, it’s “not really impacted the first time they have penetrative sex.” Hymens come in different shapes and sizes (more on that below), and penetrating the vagina with something like a penis, fingers, or tampons can — but won’t necessarily — break it. That’s because the hymen is super elastic — some people like to compare it to a hair scrunchie!
The hymen surrounds or partially covers the opening to the vagina. (For a small number of people with something called an imperforate hymen, it will cover the entire vaginal opening, but this occurs in only about 0.05 to 0.1% of people with vaginas. )
Although they vary in shape and size, hymen location is pretty consistent — you’ll find it “just inward of the vagina,” Dr. Shepherd said, or about one to two centimeters inside your vaginal opening. And if you’re wondering “how deep is the hymen?” — it isn’t. Though this thin piece of tissue may mark the start of the vaginal canal, it doesn’t extend inside of it.
Hymens, just like vulvas , are not one-size-fits-all! “No two hymens are alike,” Piper said. “Some may have a half-moon shape, some may have a ring shape. Some are thicker, some are thinner… just like other body parts, hymens are different for everyone.” For the vast majority of people, hymens are not “seals” that cover the entire vaginal opening; they’ll have one or multiple holes that allow for period blood — and for things like tampons, fingers, a penis or a sex toy — to pass through, often without disrupting the hymen.
For a small number of people, the size and shape of their hymen may be considered an abnormal hymen, although Dr. Shepherd said it’s “not very common.” The different categories of hymen abnormalities are:
Although Piper noted that “pain or difficulties from these conditions are rare,” hymen abnormalities can interfere with menstrual flow and tampon use. In these cases, you can have a minor surgery (called a hymenectomy) to remove the extra tissue and open up the hymen so period blood can flow through. This is performed by a gynecologist.
Considering pulling out a mirror and checking for hymen breakage signs? It never hurts to get a closer look at your own anatomy, but in the case of the hymen, it’s possible you won’t see a whole lot. “Since the hymen is a flexible piece of tissue that may be thick, thin or even absent in some people, the visibility of a person’s hymen totally depends,” Piper said. “The size and shape of a hymen can change with age or a big shift in hormones, so that can impact visibility, too.”
But even if it’s not “necessarily easy to find,” Dr. Shepherd added, if you were born with a hymen, chances are you probably do still, in some capacity, have it. That’s because, contrary to the image conjured up by a “popped” cherry, the hymen doesn’t simply vanish post-penetration. “It’s a tissue formation that’s part of the vagina anyway… it’s not ‘broken.’ It’s still there because it’s still tissue that’s part of the vagina,” she said. “So there’s still tissue there, it’s just that it’s stretched maybe.”
A question we hear semi-often is: Can fingering break hymens? The hymen can be broken in any number of ways. Sexual activity (including fingering, oral sex, penetration and masturbation ) can break the hymen, yes, but so can the insertion of a tampon or even exercising. It’s not uncommon for hymens to tear doing totally normal, day-to-day activities, and you can break your hymen without even knowing it. Dr. Shepherd explains that it's entirely possible to disrupt the hymen during a weight-bearing exercise and not feel a thing. That could be especially true if your hymen had already thinned — with age, for instance — by the time it tore, or if you didn’t have much tissue there to begin with. Alternatively, it’s also possible to notice a bit of bleeding and tenderness when your hymen tears. It's different for everyone.
Engaging in sexual activity doesn’t automatically mean your hymen will break.. It's very possible for the hymen to remain unbroken from fingering or oral sex, explains Dr. Shepherd. It's even possible (though uncommon) to have intercourse without breaking the hymen.
It bears repeating: the presence or absence of a hymen does not prove or disprove whether someone has engaged in sexual activity.
Some people may wonder whether their hymen could grow back to its original state if enough time has passed since it was “broken” or stretched. But this isn’t possible. Once a hymen is broken, either naturally or through a hymenectomy, it will not grow back. And that’s totally okay! As mentioned before, it’s not so
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