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The pursuit of calm can itself become a major stressor, especially if you've already tried the standard prescriptions. But there is a path through this conundrum.
Does anything strike fear into the heart of a parent more than figuring out when and how to talk with your kids about dating, love, and sex? As if those topics were not challenging enough, thanks to 24/7 free streaming internet porn, today’s parents have to also talk with kids and teens about porn! Let’s take a collective deep breath and figure this out together. Our kids really need us to try!
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You see, the quality of our relationships (including our romantic relationships) determines the quality of our lives.
Therefore, parents, it’s vital to talk with your kids about what a healthy romantic relationship looks like. You have an amazing opportunity to teach your kids—in what you say and in how you behave—how to love and be loved. Start these lessons when your kids are young and continue them even as your kids become adults.
We know that teens are anxious about developing romantic relationships and they feel unprepared. In fact, data from a study at Harvard of over 3,000 young adults 18-25 indicated that 70% want to talk with parents about love and 65% wish they had learned about love in school.
Research also indicates that our teens and young adults listen to us when we talk with them, even if they roll their eyes. And what we say makes a difference. Our families of origin are our original “love classrooms,” providing us with countless messages, explicit and mostly implicit, about affection, conflict, communication, tradition, commitment, loyalty, boundaries, and dependence, independence, and interdependence, and research indicates that family values are transmitted across generations (Axinn & Thornton, 1993; Willoughby et. al., 2012). For example, Willoughby and colleagues (2012) found that “mothers’ and fathers’ reported importance of marriage for their child did have a strong, positive effect on young adults own reported importance of marriage” (p.239) suggesting that parents’ goals for their children’s lives matter.
I often find that parents silence themselves, thinking that unless they themselves are living in a fairy-tale romance (as if that even exists!), they have nothing to offer their kids. Nothing could be further from the truth. But here’s the thing. Kids deserve to carry a sense of optimism and hope about their potential to create happy and healthy romantic relationships, so if what you want to tell your kids is something cynical (love is lie, women aren’t to be trusted, or there are no good men left), use that as an indicator that you would benefit from some support for yourself (like therapy or a support group or a self-help book about healing from heartbreak). One of the greatest gifts a parent can give their kids is a commitment to their own well-being and relational health. So, if you are a wounded warrior, brokenhearted and pessimistic about love, commit to your own recovery. As you recover and become aware of your resilience and strength, you can talk with your kids about how, yes, you got hurt by love, but here’s what you learned and here’s how you make healthier choices for yourself today. Those lessons are solid gold for our kids!
Tips for talking with your kids about romantic relationships
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As parents, we are well-positioned to model respect in our interactions with our kids so that they can make sexual and relational choices that are respectful of themselves and of their partners.
Our kids absorb tons of messages about respect just from watching how we interact with the world. One way of doing that is by modeling that human bodies are amazing! Be fascinated and grateful and respectful of the sacredness of your body and of bodies in general.
One of the most important, and often omitted, sex and relationship education lessons is about consent. Consent is about creating a relationship climate in which both partners can ask for and agree to what feels good, safe, and pleasurable. Lessons about consent start very early and in ways that have nothing to do with sex.
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Parents, our silence speaks volumes, and when it comes to topics as important as love and sex, our kids need and deserve some courageous conversation.
Axinn, W.G & Thornton, A. (1996). Mothers, children, and cohabitation: The intergerational effect of attitudes and behavior. American Sociological Review, 58, 233-246.
Weissbourd R., Anderson, T.R., Cashin, A., & McIntyre, J. (2017). The talk: How adults can promote young people’s healthy relationships and prevent misogyny and sexual harassment. Making Caring Common Project, Harvard Graduate School of Education. Available at: http://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/thetalk.
Willoughby, B., Carroll, J. S., Vitas, J. M., & Hill, L. M. (2012). ''When Are You Getting Married?'' The Intergenerational Transmission of Attitudes Regarding Marital Timing and Marital Importance, Journal of Family Issues, 33(2), 223-245. doi: 10.1177/0192513X11408695.
Alexandra Solomon, Ph.D., is an assistant clinical professor in Northwestern University’s Master of Science in Marriage and Family Therapy program.
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The pursuit of calm can itself become a major stressor, especially if you've already tried the standard prescriptions. But there is a path through this conundrum.
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