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DEAR DEIDRE: IN the past year, I have had sex with dozens of men – at least ten in one night when a man took me to a swinging club.
I just want to be close to someone and for them to want me.
I am 38 and I have a partner who is 39. We have been together for 15 years.
Apart from a couple of boyfriends when I was in my teens, my partner is the only guy I have had a proper relationship with.
The trouble is he drinks at least ten cans of beer a night. He might then start on vodka as well. He always drinks alone.
When he returns home from work all he does is drink, cook and eat, then goes upstairs to bed.
He is completely in denial about his drinking and the impact it is having on our relationship. He doesn’t think he has a problem.
Send an email to problems@deardeidre.org . Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
We have had no sex life or any intimacy, including kissing or holding hands, for 12 years.
Despite this I have had no affairs or liaisons of any kind until a year ago.
Last New Year I was feeling rejected and sad about how my life was turning out. I started going out and picking up men in bars and clubs.
I began having multiple one-night stands, taking more and more risks.
My partner knows what I am doing. He said he was angry and upset at first but then thought that, because he couldn’t give me sex, it was OK.
He told me to be careful about who I met but said he didn’t want to know any details.
I tried to explain to him that I just want to be close to someone but he won’t talk about it.
I have become depressed about my situation but I worry that, if I leave, it may kill my partner.
I couldn’t have that on my conscience. I don’t see a way out where we will both survive.
DEIDRE SAYS: How sad this is for you both, and how dangerous, too.
Your partner is steadily killing himself with his alcohol addiction and you are putting yourself at terrible risk.
Try to see that staying with your partner isn’t saving him.
Freeing yourself from this grimly stuck relationship could help him realise change is possible.
Tell your partner you are no longer willing to be complicit in his steady demolition of himself and of your love and start making practical plans to leave.
WOMEN can lack confidence when it comes to knowing how to turn a man on or make the first move sexually.
My e-leaflet How To Thrill A Man In Bed explains some approachable tactics. For a copy, email me or message me on my Facebook page.
I hope that makes him decide to change. He should talk to his GP and contact Drinkline (0300 123 1110).
There are no magic wands but the right support could help you start to
value yourself more so you can end this self-destructive casual sex.
My e-leaflet Hooked On Casual Sex? can help. And find local support at adfam.org.uk .
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I’m watching a Silicon Valley CEO being led around the room on a leash. His wife is in the next room, where a jewellery designer is getting comfortable with three men who definitely aren’t her husband. I’m part of the LA swinging community and at these parties, anything goes. For a few hours everyone can forget the stresses of juggling normal life and live judgement free. There are couples who’ve come together and some who’ve come alone (though always with their partner’s approval). That was the appeal for me - the ability to explore your sexuality whilst also maintaining an open, trusting relationship .
How did I get here? When I was 25 I was cheated on. I’d always been a very jealous person, particularly in relationships. I’d go snooping through my partner’s cupboards and scroll through their phone looking for things that I didn’t want to find, but found anyway. I hated being this type of person and when my relationship broke down, I swore to myself that I’d never let sex be the thing that ended a relationship. It seemed that the universe agreed, and around time I decided to keep sex and emotions separate, I was introduced to the deliciously freeing world of swinging.
I was living in LA when a married couple, Anna* and Pete, took me under their wing. Most Sunday’s Anna and Pete hosted lunch at their house, these were fairly boozy affairs but I always left at a reasonable hour. I knew that most of the other guests stayed the night but I’d never really thought much of it until one Sunday Anna let me in on the secret. We were gossiping in the loo and before I knew it, Anna was kissing me. I’d hooked up with women before but Anna was married - to my friend! It turned out that the cosy Sunday lunches were just the starter for an even cosier evening of partner swapping. All of these married couples with respectable jobs – lawyers, doctors and tech gurus – were having weekly orgies and then heading off in the morning to drop their kids at school. Jobs with long hours or a lot of travelling made it easy to explain nightly absences and for the Average Joes, getting home to pay the babysitter was part of the thrill. I’d stumbled into a community where sexual freedom and emotional monogamy (everyone here was happily married and also happily sleeping with other people) co-existed and it looked pretty great to me.
I started to regularly hook up with Anna and her friends and had my eyes truly opened to the world of swinging. The parties were every bit as hedonistic as you’d imagine; alcohol fuelled, encouraging anything from bondage to group sex . I enjoyed the community single and carefree for years, until I met Joey. He was a party boy who had never been in a serious relationship before, so I decided to test the waters of being in an open relationship. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, so we laid down ground rules to ensure that trust and open communication were at the foundation of our relationship. Casual hook ups were fine but you couldn’t swap numbers or speak to that person again. If we went out together, we went home together. And you definitely couldn’t sleep with somebody that we both knew. That was 12 years ago, we’ve been married for seven and our ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy is going strong to this day.
Sleeping with other people allows us to get our kicks that the other isn’t into
From the outside we live a pretty wholesome existence, now in Ibiza. When we’re not working (I’m a therapist specialising in post trauma care and Joey is a web developer) we spend our days hiking, swimming, practising yoga and foraging for fresh food. Oh, and we have two great kids.
While there have certainly been testing times, like when I thought I caught feelings for the local bar tender and when I heard a rumour that he’d tried to suck a friend of mine’s toes at a party, for the most part this arrangement has worked amazingly for us. We have a loving, honest relationship and sleeping with other people allows us both to get our kicks that the other isn’t really into. For me, knowing that I have this option to escape my normal life is, or certainly was, a really important outlet for me. Until recently, the kids have never held us back.
We got involved with the local swinging scene soon after we arrived on the island - when you know you know – and as it’s a much more tight-knit community than in LA, there’s more social interaction between the couples. I’ve been at a BBQ on the beach and my husband and another dad have kissed when the kids weren’t looking. It’s not unusual to find your foot being massaged under the table at a family-friendly dinner. But these are specific friends for specific purposes. I have a whole other circle who have absolutely no idea what we get up to.
If we go out together, we go home together
As the kids grow up, I’ve become less and less interested in going to the sex parties while Joey’s interest has rocketed. I’m starting to worry that the more he goes out, the more likely it is that people we know from school, our jobs and our social lives may start to put the dots together and suspect that we don’t have what most people would consider a ‘regular’ marriage. I don’t want to be the subject of island gossip or for people not to recommend me for work because of my extra marital preferences. But I made a promise to myself that I’d always be in an open relationship, so even though it makes me nervous that he’s playing around so close to home it’s something I have to live with.
If the mums at the school gate knew the truth about our relationship I’m not sure they’d be so keen on play dates. I hope in the future that ‘openness’ will be less taboo and I won’t have to feel guilty about my life choice, but for now, I’m keeping my swinging hobby firmly under wraps. Unless, of course, you’re interested?
*The names in this article have been changed
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editoriallinks id='bc8faad4-a2e5-44aa-8931-c6caa6f04940' align='left'][/editoriallinks]
ROYAL RULES George, Charlotte and Louis MUST obey this strict rule whilst on Royal holidays
NOT WORTH IT I’m an interior design pro – this store makes your home look tacky & cheap
SKIMS SWIM I’m a size 16 & tried SKIMS’ swim line - I was shocked at how my tummy looked
WORK OUT I’m an interior expert – renovations to skip, they WON’T add value to your home
A MUM and daughter have revealed that they both sleep with the same man - and they don’t see anything wrong with it.
Madi Brooks lives with her husband in the US, but as she explains in her TikTok videos, if she’s not in the mood, she’s quite happy for her mum to sleep with him.
This is because both Madi, her mum and her husband are swingers, meaning they are in open relationships, swapping sexual partners at swinging parties and events.
Speaking in a video, she says: “Me and my mom are both swingers and it’s great, you know why? Because when I’m not in the mood I can just let my husband have her.
“I let my husband have her a couple of times a week.”
But it isn’t just her mum that Madi shares her husband with, admitting that her sister sometimes ‘plays’ with her husband.
She says: “You wanna know how I keep my man happy? I let him play with my little sister.”
Her videos have since gone viral receiving up to seven million views each, with many left baffled by the family’s unusual dynamic.
Commenting, one said: “That’s enough TikTok for one year, I’m out!”
“How did that conversation ever initiate?” asked another, while a third wrote, “I don’t know how anybody could share but it’s your life.”
In other relationship news, we told you how millions of Brits are racking up huge debts to pay for their weddings.
And women are posing for kinky festive £300 photoshoots to make their other halves blush this Christmas.
We also revealed how a Tory MP, 26, starred in a TV show with lover who is 35 years her senior.
George, Charlotte and Louis MUST obey this strict rule whilst on Royal holidays
I’m an interior design pro – this store makes your home look tacky & cheap
I’m a size 16 & tried SKIMS’ swim line - I was shocked at how my tummy looked
I'm a DIY fan & found a hack to paint a garden fence
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