Teen Sex Lessons

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­­­Of the handful of young men I’ve seen in therapy who admitted to sexual misconduct, Ryan surprised me the most. Polite and thoughtful, Ryan was also more humble and less sexually experienced than you would expect from such an attractive and athletic high school senior. After hooking up with a girl at a friend’s party (with the friend’s parents safely away for the weekend) Ryan invited her to go upstairs to one of the vacant bedrooms. He interpreted her acceptance as a good sign he’d get ‘lucky.’ She voluntarily lay next to him in bed, eagerly returned his kisses, and even allowed his hands to wander a bit. However, when they wandered further he was rebuffed. A few moments later he tried again, but this time got angry when she stopped him. “What the hell were you thinking when you came up here?” he barked. She asked to leave, but he prevented her from moving. She asked again and fortunately he relented.
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This event happened several years ago, well before the ‘me too’ movement lifted the veil on men’s sexual aggression. Ryan, however, did not need this kind of consciousness raising. He did wonder though what propelled him to use force in a sexual encounter. I had the same question. How can we reverse the message that this behavior is socially acceptable, and teach boys the importance of consent? To start, we need to reconsider our approach to sex education. First, it has to start at home, where the most important messages can be delivered, and second, it can’t wait until puberty hits.
Beyond the birds and the bees: Sex, more than any human behavior must be rooted in our values. This is a straightforward proposition if you subscribe to the (usually religious) tenet that a walk down the aisle should precede any sexual relations. While it might be more complicated for parents who are comfortable with their teen’s sexual experimentation to come up with a compelling value-driven message, the truth is every parent needs to talk more about sex to their children.
Before going further, let’s get something out of the way. Even if you believe in abstinence before marriage, this cannot be the only thing you talk to your son about. A landmark 2005 study showed that abstinence-only sex education programs were correlated with both higher teen pregnancy rates as well as incidence of sexually transmitted diseases. The authors argued that only a comprehensive sex education program would curb our nation’s teen pregnancy rate, which is one of the highest in the industrialized world.
So, when I say talk to your kids more about sex, I don’t mean who does what to whom. What parents (and educators) often leave out of the birds and the bees discussion is that every sexual experience, even Ryan’s inebriated Saturday night miscalculation, is a contract that involves mutual trust, intimacy, and pleasure. We often leave out the fact that sex is fun, and should feel good to both parties. You don’t have to tell your son how to make his partner enjoy sex, just that he has to. This way he will know that her needs count as much as his.
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It is really important to explain to your son that any intimate contact, including a random hookup, creates a relationship. Sex changes how two people feel about each other. Yet boys are always surprised when their regular hookups (what we used to call “friends with benefits”) develop feelings for them. One young man told me his best female friend wanted to hook up with him before college because he had more experience. He could not, therefore, understand why after the third time things got weird between them.
Peggy Ornstein, the author of Girls and Sex, shed some light on this subject when she compared how American girls’ early sexual experiences compared to girls from The Netherlands (a country with one of the lowest rates of teen pregnancy in the industrialized world). In a LA Times Op-Ed piece entitled “Worried About Your Teenage Daughter? Move to the Netherlands,” Ornstein cited a study that showed American girls ‘hooked up’ at an earlier age, had more partners, and were less likely to use birth control than their Dutch counterparts. Furthermore, while American girls were more likely to lose their virginity under pressure from boys or peers, or because they had a chance to, Dutch girls said their early sexual activity took place in “loving, respectful, relationships,” with boys they knew well. They also felt more comfortable talking with their boyfriends about what felt good, how far they wanted to go, and what kind of protection they would need when ready. While American girls’ sexual experiences were driven by what their partners wanted, Dutch girls felt that their needs played a big part in the experience.
Why, when it comes to sex, do teen girls in the Netherlands have it so much better than here in the USA? It comes down to how Dutch moms, dads, doctors and teachers talk to all teens about sex. While here in the US the focus tends to be on the risks and dangers of sex, the discussion in the Netherlands starts at a younger age, is more candid, and focuses on “both the joys and responsibilities of intimacy.” In other words, they talk about sex in the context of a relationship, and are honest about how it should feel.
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This approach has become even more important in the internet age. The gateway to pornography has already swung open and parents need to counter the vivid images and messages portrayed there; ones that are chauvinistic at best and misogynistic at worst. (I plan to write an upcoming blog about teenage boys and porn).
If you teach your son to be responsible for his own feelings, as well as for his partner’s physical and emotional well-being, consent will become second nature. Though these conversations might be uncomfortable, the more at ease you are talking to him, the less awkward he will feel talking to her.
Sometimes yes means no: We also need to help our boys understand that consent means different things to boys than it does to girls. Research suggests that men view consent as a single event while women understand it to be a process. This was Ryan’s problem. He interpreted the girl’s going upstairs as a green light for sex. This is not an outlandish conclusion. If the girl is only up for kissing why would she follow him into the bedroom? However, more likely, she did not know what she wanted. However, once she figured it out Ryan needed to change his expectation. It would have been better for him to talk calmly about his expectations than to act on them.
It is not easy for adolescents to gracefully traverse these waters, especially when they have been drinking. A teenage boy is too busy working up the courage to push things further to step back and wonder if the girl really, really wants to. It’s not that complicated, however. A simple question “is this OK?” can not only clear things up, but will also help a girl to feel safe and taken care of. Of course, he also has to be ready to take no for an answer.
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The ultimate conquest: The mindset that men should dominate women is so embedded in our culture, that for the past fifty years (until this past summer) it was boldly dramatized in of all places Disney World. On the Pirates of the Caribbean ride an animatronic auctioneer displayed a woman to a group of pirates. In hopes of increasing the bids he instructed her to “Shift yer cargo, dearie, show 'em your larboard side.” Your son probably saw this scene, and most likely with you by his side.
While it’s unlikely that we will shake this narrative anytime soon, it is worth noting that sex is one of the few places that males are permitted to experience vulnerability. Where women often need to open up before they have sex, men need to have sex before they can open up. Boys are trained from an early age to be ashamed of vulnerability; big boys, after all, don’t cry. It is seen as a threat to their masculinity, and this is something boys and men always prove. This is why some people say masculinity is measured in numbers—how far you can throw a football, how much money you make, and the most compelling statistic of all, how many women you take to bed.
The key here, is not to raise weak men, but rather, to help them understand that it is only a man secure in his masculinity who can sometimes let his guard down, express feelings, and ask a woman “is this really ok?”
This is a complex topic with room for many opinions. I welcome your comments.
Stanger-Hall. Kathrin F. , Hall, David W.and Vitzthum,Virginia J. (Editor). Abstinence-Only Education and Teen Pregnancy Rates: Why We Need Comprehensive Sex Education in the U.S. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3194801/ Retrieved 1/12/18
Ornstein, Peggy. “Worried about your teenage daughter? Move to the Netherlands: LA Times Op-Ed Page 4/8/16. http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-0410-orenstein-girls-sex-dut…. Retrieved 12/20/2017
Cowling, Mark & Reynolds, Paul (1984). Making Sense of Consent. Ashgate: London, UK.
Adam Price, Ph.D. is an expert in child and adolescent psychology, and author of the book He's Not Lazy. ​
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The pursuit of calm can itself become a major stressor, especially if you've already tried the standard prescriptions. But there is a path through this conundrum.

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Sex Education in Schools: Here's What Your Kid Is Learning
Comprehensive sex education for kids and teens should be part of a broad and balanced curriculum. Here's what it should include.
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From the first time your young child asks you innocently where babies come from, to fielding questions about contraception and STIs from teens, parents are faced with the very real need to provide their children with the facts of life. But how much of this information should be coming from their teachers and what's the state of sex education in schools?
Although it might seem obvious that human sexuality and anatomy should be covered by most school health and science programs, actually only 24 states and the District of Columbia mandate sex education in public schools. Nine states have absolutely no provision for sex education at all, including Arizona, Arkansas, Colorado, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Texas, and Virginia.
Even when sex education is compulsory, the quality and content of the program varies widely from state to state and can encompass everything from comprehensive sex ed covering reproduction, puberty, contraception, and consent to simply pushing the "just say no" message.
Some states, including Florida and Alabama, have programs which stress abstinence first, which many experts believe is ineffective and even potentially harmful.
Erica Smith, M.Ed. Sexuality Educator and Consultant, from Philadelphia says "Keeping information about sex from young people teaches them that their bodies and sex are shameful. Giving them accurate and age-appropriate information better prepares them for a lifetime of mutually pleasurable and safe relationships."
Research also shows that abstinence-only programs do not work at preventing young people from experimenting sexually and can lead to unintended pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections and diseases.
A 2006 report by the Guttmacher Institute found that the states with the highest rates of teen moms aged 15-19 were also those states where abstinence-only programs were encouraged and where comprehensive sex education including information on contraception was not part of the school curriculum.
"Young people are going to learn about sex somehow. It's unavoidable. Rather than have them learn from the media or their uninformed peers, a quality sexuality education curriculum can prepare them for real life," says Smith.
Even if abstinence-only education isn't stressed in the official state curriculum, it can still make its way into lessons, like in Nevada and North Dakota where the school boards receive state funding for abstinence before marriage sex education.
Utah goes even further with a law that prohibits the following topics from being taught at all: intercourse, homosexuality, contraception methods, and the advocacy of sex outside of marriage.
Comprehensive sex ed programs have the support of parents with Planned Parenthood reporting that 93-96% of parents want their kids to learn about sex in either middle or high school. The importance of sex education, therefore, cannot be overstated as a necessary and requested part of a complete and balanced school curriculum.
If you live in one of the 24 states that require schools to teach sex education your child's experience could include the following programs:
In the state of Delaware, schools must teach 30 hours of health and family life education in every grade from Kindergarten to fourth grade. This increases to 35 hours in 5th and 6th grade. In Kindergarten programs this includes self-esteem lessons progressing towards instruction in healthy relationship dynamics by 6th grade.
In Maine, all students from Kindergarten to grade 12 follow the Family Life program which aims to teach them about human development and sexuality in age-appropriate ways.
Maryland's students learn health education from Kindergarten but mentions of human reproduction are not recommended until age 10-12.
The sex education curriculum in Delaware increases in 7th and 8th grade up to 70 hours of instruction.
Between 7th-9th grades students in North Carolina must learn about STDs and contraception in "age-appropriate ways."
In Montana by the end of 8th-grade students are expected to have learned about the reproductive system but there are no specific teaching guidelines. By 4th Grade, they are expected to have learned about HIV/AIDS which is a difficult concept to grasp without proper anatomy and sexual health classes beforehand.
Although New Jersey requires all students to learn about same-sex relationships including units on tolerance and acceptance by the end of the 8th grade, they also have a "stress abstinence" law where schools are required to present abstinence as the only completely reliable method of birth control.
In Delaware, High school students must receive a 1/2 credit in health education and each grade also has minimum hour requirements for drug and alcohol education.
Vermont has a comprehensive sex ed program mandated by state law which includes the following topics; human development, sexuality, reproduction, HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases and prevention, contraceptives, adolescent pregnancy, childbirth, adoption, and abortion.
In West Virginia, students learn about HIV and AIDS from 6th to 12th grade.
California's students must be taught about HIV and AIDS at least once in middle school and once in high school. In addition, if abstinence is taught, schools must also provide medically accurate information about contraceptive devices and methods.
Changes to school sex curricula over the years have seen updates to include same-sex relationships, different contraceptive devices and methods, HIV and AIDS education, healthy relationships and the importance of consent.
Smith believes that with such a discrepancy in state requirements parents must supplement the sex ed programs at home with accurate information starting early. "Sexuality isn't something that begins in adolescence. It's important to begin by teaching your young children the proper words (like penis and vulva) for their body parts- no cutesy words.
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