Teen Romantic Sex
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Suitable for 9-18 years Relationships and romance: pre-teens and teenagers
Last updated or reviewed 14-09-2021
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Romantic relationships are a major developmental milestone .
These relationships come with all the other changes going on during adolescence – physical, social and emotional. They’re linked to the way pre-teens and teenagers explore body image, independence, privacy and identity. For some young people, these relationships might involve exploring sexual orientation too.
Romantic relationships can bring many emotional ups and downs for your child – and sometimes for the whole family. But these feelings are leading your child towards a deeper capacity to care, share and develop intimate relationships.
There isn’t a ‘right’ age to start having relationships. But changes often happen around these ages :
It’s also common for children to have no interest in romantic relationships until their late teens. Some young people choose to focus on schoolwork, sport or other interests.
For LGBTIQ teenagers, other things can influence when they start having relationships. LGBTIQ teenagers might find it hard to ‘come out’ or they might feel they need to pretend to be straight to fit in. They might also feel worried about prejudice or discrimination.
Before your child starts having relationships, they might have one or more crushes.
An identity crush is when your child finds someone they admire and want to be like.
A romantic crush is the beginning of romantic feelings. It’s about your child imagining another person as perfect or ideal. This can tell you a lot about the things that your child finds attractive in people.
Romantic crushes tend not to last very long because ideals often break down when your child gets to know the other person better. But your child’s intense feelings are real, so it’s best to take crushes seriously and not make fun of them.
Younger teenagers usually hang out together in groups. They might meet up with someone special among friends, and then gradually spend more time with that person alone. In these years, relationships might last only a few weeks or months.
If your child wants to go out alone with someone special, talking about it with them can help you get a sense of whether they’re ready . Does your child want a partner just because their friends do? Does your child think it’s the only way to go out and have fun? Or does your child want to spend time getting to know someone better?
If the person your child is interested in is older or younger, it could be worth mentioning that people of different ages might want different things from relationships.
The most influential role models for teenagers are the grown-ups in their lives. You can be a positive role model for respectful relationships and friendships by treating your partner, friends and family with care and respect. Talking respectfully about people of all genders and sexual orientations also lets your child know you think everyone is equal and valuable.
For some young people, sexual development during adolescence will include same-sex attraction, experiences and relationships. Other young people might develop bisexual attraction.
Some pre-teens and teenagers might be quite clear about how they feel and who they’re attracted to. Others might feel confused if their feelings and attractions seem different from what their friends are experiencing or what they see in the media. Either way, responding positively and non-judgmentally is a good first step. If you think you might have trouble being calm and positive, there might be another adult who both you and your child trust and who your child could talk with about their feelings.
Sexuality develops over time. Exploration and experimentation with sexuality is normal and common. If you accept your child for who they are right now, it’s good for your child’s self-acceptance and overall wellbeing. Your support can help your child navigate this period of exploration and self-discovery.
If your child is in a relationship, it can bring up questions about sex and intimacy.
Not all teenage relationships include sex, but most teenagers will experiment with sexual behaviour at some stage . This is why your child needs clear information on consent , contraception, safe sex and sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
This could also be your chance to talk together about dealing with unwanted sexual and peer pressure. If you let your child know that you’re there to listen, they’ll be more likely to come to you with questions and concerns.
When you encourage conversations in your family about feelings, friendships and family relationships , it can help your child feel confident to talk about teenage relationships in general. If your child knows what respectful relationships look like in general, they can relate this directly to romantic relationships.
These conversations might mean that your child will feel more comfortable sharing their feelings with you as they start to get romantically interested in others. And these conversations can also bring up other important topics, like treating other people kindly, breaking up kindly and respecting other people’s boundaries.
Having conversations with your child about sex and relationships from a young age might mean your child feels more comfortable to ask you questions as they move into adolescence.
In some ways, talking about romantic and/or sexual teenage relationships is like talking about friendships or going to a party . Depending on your values and family rules, you and your child might need to discuss behaviour, ground rules and consequences for breaking the rules. For example, you might talk about how much time your child spends with their partner versus how much time they spend studying, or whether it’s OK for their partner to stay over.
You might also want to agree on some strategies for what your child should do if they feel unsafe or threatened.
It’s also healthy and common for young people to talk to their friends. They still need your back-up, though, so keeping the lines of communication open is important.
Some conversations about relationships can be difficult, especially if you feel your child isn’t ready for a relationship. Check out our article about difficult conversations for more tips on how to handle them.
If you and your child can have comfortable, open discussions about sex, sexuality and relationships , it can actually delay the start of sexual activity for your child. It can also mean your child has safer sexual activity when they do start.
Break-ups and broken hearts are part of teenage relationships. To make things worse, teenage break-ups might be played out in public – maybe at school, or on social media.
You might expect your child to be sad and emotional if their relationship ends. It might not seem this way at the time, but this is part of learning how to cope with difficult decisions and disappointments. Your child might need time and space, a shoulder to cry on, and a willing ear to listen. Your child might also need some distraction.
Active listening can help you pick up on your child’s needs. But if your child seems sad or even depressed for more than a few weeks after a break-up, it might be worth getting some advice from a health professional, like your GP.
Many people and services can help you with support and information – in person, online or on the phone. You could try:
Pre-teens and teenagers with disability have the same interest in – and need for information about – romance, relationships and intimacy as other teenagers. Rates of sexual activity for young people with disability are the same as those for other teenagers.
Make sure your child has developmentally appropriate sex education at home and at school. Your health professional, local community resources and relevant support groups should be able to give you help or advice.
In this short video, parents and experts talk about relationships and sexuality for young autistic people. They share tips and ideas for talking with your autistic child about sexuality and relationships in a way your child can understand.
This article was developed in collaboration with the Centre for Adolescent Health , The Royal Children’s Hospital, Melbourne.
Baiocco, R., Fontanesi, L., Santamaria, F., Ioverno, S., Baumgartner, E., & Laghi, F. (2016). Coming out during adolescence: Perceived parents’ reactions and internalized sexual stigma. Journal of Health Psychology , 21 (8), 1809-1813. https://doi.org/10.1177/1359105314564019.
Collins, W.A., Welsh, D.P., & Furman, W. (2009). Adolescent romantic relationships. Annual Review of Psychology, 60, 631-652. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.60.110707.163459.
headspace. (2012). Adolescent romantic relationships: Why are they important? And should they be encouraged or avoided? headspace. Retrieved 9 June 2021 from https://headspace.org.au/assets/Uploads/Resource-library/Health-professionals/romanticrelationships-adolescent-romantic-relationships-why-are-they-important-headspace-evsum.pdf.
Kelly, Y., Zilanawala, A., Tanton, C., Lewis, R., & Mercer, C.H. (2019). Partnered intimate activities in early adolescence – Findings from the UK millennium cohort study. Journal of Adolescent Health , 65 (3), 397-404. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2019.04.028.
Moore, S. (2016). Teenagers in love. The Psychologist, 29 , 548-551. Retrieved 9 June 2021 from https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-29/july/teenagers-love.
Sex Education Forum. (2015). SRE – the evidence. National Children’s Bureau. Retrieved 9 June 2021 from https://www.sexeducationforum.org.uk/resources/evidence/sre-evidence.
Temple-Smith, M., Moore, S.M., & Rosenthal, D.A. (2016). Sexuality in adolescence: The digital generation . Taylor and Francis.
van de Bongardt, D., Yu, R., Deković, M., & Meeus, W.H.J. (2015). Romantic relationships and sexuality in adolescence and young adulthood: The role of parents, peers, and partners. European Journal of Developmental Psychology , 12 (5), 497-515. https://doi.org/10.1080/17405629.2015.1068689.
Social and emotional changes in pre-teens and teenagers
Adolescence is a time of big social changes and emotional changes for your child. Here’s what to expect and how to support your child through the changes.
Friends and friendships: pre-teens and teenagers
Positive pre-teen and teenage friendships are an important part of the journey to adulthood. Good parent-child relationships are good for teen friendships.
In puberty, children get bigger and stronger. There are also changes in children’s sexual organs, brains, skin, hair, teeth, sweatiness and sleep patterns.
Sex education and talking with children about sex: 9-11 years
Talking about sex is important for children’s sex education and healthy sexual development. At this age, topics might include masturbation or making babies.
Romantic relationships and feelings: autistic teenagers
Visual supports, social stories and talking can help autistic teenagers recognise attraction and negotiate romantic relationships, respect and sensory issues.
Gender identity, gender diversity and gender dysphoria: children and teenagers
Gender identity is feeling male, female, both or neither. Gender dysphoria is when your child is distressed by feeling different from their birth gender.
Raising Children Network is supported by the Australian Government. Member organisations are the Parenting Research Centre and the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute with The Royal Children’s Hospital Centre for Community Child Health.
© 2006-2022 Raising Children Network (Australia) Limited. All rights reserved.
Warning: This website and the information it contains is not intended as a substitute for professional consultation with a qualified practitioner.
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