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Chances are, your teenager has already viewed pornography online. Talking to teens about porn might be awkward, but it’s important for their wellbeing to communicate openly with them about it.
In 2016, a study by the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) found that almost half (44 per cent) of the children aged 9–16 surveyed had encountered sexual images online in the last month. Exposure to such images can be:
Interest in sexual content and porn is totally normal. It can allow a young person to:
On the flip side, looking at some types of porn and sexually explicit content can increase the risk of your teen:
The AIFS identified that education is a key strategy for minimising these risks. Having an informed and open conversation with your teen is a powerful way to help them have safe, respectful relationships.
Having difficult conversations with teenagers is all about picking the right moment. Choose a time when your teen is relaxed. A good opportunity might arise when you’re doing something together that doesn’t involve direct eye contact, such as when you’re alone with them in the car or doing the dishes together. This will help ease some of the possible awkwardness on both your parts.
You could start the conversation by mentioning something you and your teen have seen in a TV show, movie, video game or advertisement.
Asking questions that actually use the words ‘porn’ or ‘pornography’ will help you direct the conversation. For example, you could ask:
It becomes easier to talk about sensitive subjects, the more you do it. If either of you is so uncomfortable that the conversation isn’t going anywhere, you could also suggest that you begin the discussion by:
First thing: keep calm. Don’t let your beliefs or emotions get in the way of a meaningful conversation. Your teen will appreciate your understanding, and will learn from how you deal with difficult conversations like this .
It’s important to ask questions without shaming your teen or making accusations. They’ll be more likely to open up to you if they can see that you’re trying to see things from their point of view and are curious rather than confrontational. For example, explain that you’re interested generally in their thoughts about porn and want to know why they look at it and how they feel afterwards.
Here are some things to talk to your teen about, so that when they come across porn and other sexually explicit content, they can assess for themselves whether what they’re seeing is safe and realistic.
It’s illegal to show porn to someone under 18 years old
Under Australian law, it’s an offence to show porn to a minor. Make sure your teen knows that if an adult tries to show them porn, they can tell you or another trusted adult in their life.
It’s also illegal for someone under 18 years old to be featured in sexually explicit material. This includes videos or photos they’ve taken of themselves.
Safe sex is important
Some teenagers aren’t fully aware of the risks of sex, such as pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. Let them know that condoms are a normal, expected part of real-life sex. Some porn might not actually show how to practise safe sex .
Consent is essential
Teach your teen that consent isn’t only encouraged, but is essential . No one has to have sex or do anything they don’t want to. Consent can also be withdrawn at any time.
What they see online shouldn’t be expected in real life
Explain that people in porn videos are actors who are paid to look like they’re enjoying themselves. Some of them are enjoying themselves, and some of them aren’t . Encourage your teenager to communicate with their partner(s) to ensure that everyone is on the same page about the type of sex they’re happy to have.
Everyday bodies don’t look like the bodies in porn
The way porn stars look can be exaggerated through styling. Just like in Hollywood movies, lighting and makeup can make a big difference to how a person looks on screen. Discuss with your teen their expectations about their own and their partner’s body, and explain that no one should be expected to look a certain way .
They don’t have to like porn
It’s normal to like porn; it’s also normal not to like it, or to have mixed feelings about it. Let your teen know that they don’t have to look at anything they don’t want to, and they don’t need to be okay with it. If someone at school tries to show them something that they’re not okay with, make sure they know they can always talk to you or another trusted adult.
It may be tempting to try and block, restrict or monitor your child’s internet usage, but there is no evidence to suggest that this is a positive strategy for teens. Instead, educating them, and letting them make their own decisions, will help build trust and support them to grow.
If you’re concerned about your teenager’s screen use, you could take the opportunity to do a family screen-time audit and set some ground rules that everyone agrees on. Involving your teen in the rule setting gives them some independence and makes them much more likely to follow the rules that are agreed on. Decide together what the consequences will be if the rules are broken.
With so many things that you want to teach your child, it can be tricky to navigate your own protective instincts and anticipate your teen’s reactions. If you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed, here are some things to remember:
Make the conversation an ongoing one, and ensure that your child knows they can come to you at any time with any questions or concerns they might have.
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Key points
Porn may not be on most parents' list of things they need to discuss with their children, but it probably needs to be.
Erotic images are available anywhere there's internet and a device.
Some kids use adult entertainment as a source of information and education about sex.
By not addressing the existence of pornography, parents may be leaving kids open to otherwise preventable self-image and mental health issues.
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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted October 14, 2022
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Reviewed by Devon Frye
Last week, I had an interview scheduled with essayist Rebecca Morrison. We planned to discuss body image for an article she’s writing, so I did what I do: I searched the web for her previous work. The following title, published in Salon , popped onto my screen: “Why I Started Watching Porn When I Turned 50.”
Huh? The subtitle read, “I suspected my teens knew more about porn than me. I didn't want to talk to them about it until I did some research.” OK, I was intrigued. While pornography had zero to do with our discussion topic, I couldn’t resist.
Rebecca wrote that she’d wanted to “satisfy her curiosity” and be knowledgeable for her teens. By the end, she’d reported learning, for example: why porn's so popular, the difference between "soft" porn vs. other ratings, how adult entertainment widely influenced personal hygiene styles, and how to find female-friendly sites with ethically-sourced porn (e.g., respectful and consenting, legally made, and celebrating sexual diversity). That all got me thinking.
I realized that my primary education in erotica happened in college in the 90s. Back then, to attain videos such as Mummy Dearest or Chatterbox (yup, her vagina spoke), we’d have to work for it. We’d physically get in a car and drive to a local video store. Then, there’d be that “back room” with the black curtain. We’d scan the store to make sure no one was looking and then we’d almost jump behind the fabric. With a racy video finally in hand, there’d be one more step to get the porn back to the dorm. We’d head to the checkout counter where (probably to make us goodie-goodies squirm) we’d hear, for example, “Your Edward Penishands is due back on Monday.” (Did he have to say the title so loudly?)
Notice all the effort that went into attaining erotica? None of that’s needed nowadays. Online, kids may accidentally type the wrong address or a well-intended search term that results in porn images. Kids can also get random adult entertainment popups. Pornography is available anywhere there's the internet and a device, such as at home, school, a classmate’s tablet, or a playground.
For adults, pornography use tends to be personal and often secret, and may be associated with feelings of shame. It makes sense that parents and guardians might prefer to avoid the topic with their kids. Yet, by not addressing porn, you may be leaving your kids open to otherwise preventable self-image and mental health issues—possibly even legal problems.
According to a study published in 2022, of the 385 undergraduates surveyed, “28.2 percent of males and 23.7 percent of females recalled their exposure [to porn] as occurring between 9 and 11 years" of age. A small number of participants were exposed even earlier.
Though COVID and lockdowns could have blown up the ability to trust existing studies and data, so far, research indicates that porn use by minors has remained fairly steady.
Various studies confirm that youngsters sometimes use pornography as a source of information and education about sex. A 2017 synthesis of articles, published by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, offered the following key messages:
While many parents hope and believe their kids won’t fall prey to influences based on violence or fantasy , that's not necessarily the case. For instance, a 2019 study suggested that exposure to violent porn may be one risk factor for teen dating violence (TDF). In the study, female adolescents who were exposed to violent porn were “over 1.5 times as likely to perpetrate physical and threatening TDV, whereas male adolescents who were exposed were over 3 times as likely to perpetrate sexual TDV.”
It may also be important to consider the various styles of sex that kids may be exposed to through porn, especially those that it's especially important to be thoughtful, safe, and mindfully consenting about (e.g., BDSM ).
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