Teen Piss Bed

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Roger Townsend (rtownsend@btinternet.com),
I. E. La Rusic, Montreal, Canada (ilarusic@sympatico.ca)

[caption id="attachment_149820" align="alignleft" width="300"] Millennium Entertainment[/caption]
At this year's Cannes Film Festival, a steady stream of chatter swirled around "The Paperboy" due to a scene in which Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron's face.
"Dear Lord, why?" you might ask. Well, aside from the fact that an Oscar winner urinating on your head grants you thespian superpowers and cures migraines, the starlet's saintly spray also cured the searing pain of a jellyfish sting.
We're sure you're all now bursting to witness this degrading spectacle, and, thankfully, "The Paperboy" opens in select theaters this Friday. So while waiting to go — and you gotta go — let's revisit some timeless tinkles from tinseltown. Because while these golden moments might be listed as our Top 9, but they're all #1 in our book.
No man's morning would be complete without a man's morning wood. And in the opening scene of Judd Apatow's depravingly chaste comedy, Carrell pointedly demonstrates the daily perils of morning trips to the toilet that can quickly turn into a ceiling-soaked fiasco.
When the major leaguers ship off to fight WWII, a women's league is formed to take their place. And the ladies of the Rockford Peaches get an unforgettable introduction to their washed up manager, Jimmy Dugan (Hanks) — along with every beer he imbibed the night before — when he enters the clubhouse and takes a protracted piss that would put a well-watered horse to shame.
In William Friedkin's terrifying depiction of what is either the demonic possession of a 12-year-old girl, or a worse-than-normal case of adolescent acting-out, Regan (Blair) wanders into the living room in her nightgown and proceeds to run down her case against white carpeting. Amazingly, and by a wide margin, this is the least disturbing thing Regan does in this film.
It's a scientific fact that the length of a man's slumber is directly proportional to the length of his subsequent purging. So after being cryogenically frozen for 30 years, the '60s British super-spy (who's only qualifications for the job seem to be that he's British and a sexual compulsive), thaws out and promptly takes the longest leak in movie history.
Immature 27-year-old, Billy Madison (Sandler), is forced by his father to repeat grades 1-12 in order to inherit the family fortune. And when he falls for his third grade teacher (Bridgette Wilson), she's initially not interested... for obvious reasons. But Billy wins her heart and sets back the emotional development of the entire class when he makes his school chum (Cook) feel better about wetting his pants by convincing the other kids that wetting one's pants is cool. We should also note that Sandler has a knack for great pee scenes — "Big Daddy" narrowly missed this list.
As we all learned when the Autobot named Bumblebee uncapped his, er, lower nozzle and aimed it at a Sector 7 agent (John Turturro): whether it's robot lubricant or good old human urine, in the universal language of insulting gestures, releasing liquid waste onto someone else's head means roughly the same thing... and it isn't affection.
DiCaprio plays Howard Hughes in Martin Scorcese's biopic about the flight-enthused whiz kid turned guy enthused about whiz. After conquering the skies over America and the sand dunes beneath Las Vegas, this genius of the 20th century spent his final years embarking on more — how shall we put it? — totally insane endeavors, the most frugal of which being the collecting of his own bodily fluids in mason jars. Waste not, want not.
When career-driven Kate (Tina Fey) hires Angie (Poehler) to be the surrogate mother of her child, she doesn't realize that A) socially speaking, Angie's practically a child herself and B) Angie will be moving in with her. And when the obnoxious South Philly girl can't figure out how to open Kate's baby-proofed toilet seat, she simply pops-a-squat in the sink. Let's see guys try that.
Los Angeles police Lt. Frank Drebin (Nielsen) adds one more blunder to his endless parade of P.R. disasters when, during a press conference with the mayor, Frank takes a potty break and forgets to remove the live mic from his lapel. We, the mayor and the press corps are treated to an excruciatingly prolonged urination, punctuated with singing, grunting and, finally, farting. It might not be the most mature humor, but we dare you not to laugh.









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