Teen Masturbation Night
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The weirdest thing about childhood masturbation is that even though it’s ubiquitous it’s considered weird. But experts agree that normal, healthy young children will masturbate, much like adults. The biggest difference between children masturbating and everyone else is that kids don’t know what they’re doing is sexual yet. They just know that it feels good. The weirdness happens when it’s placed in an adult context of sexuality.
“As children, we learn that to touch certain areas brings us pleasure and is also self-soothing,” says Nadine Pierre-Louis, a marriage and family therapist. “Masturbation in itself is mostly upside. The resulting release of hormones and neurotransmitters can reduce stress, increase relaxation, encourage restful sleep, improve mood, and reduce sexual tension.”
In other words, masturbation at a certain age is essentially children discovering how their bodies work. In order for moms and dads to know when they should be concerned, Pierre-Louis and other experts have weeded out what parents should not worry about.
Clinically speaking, there is really no age that’s too young for children to start exploring their bodies. Masturbating at a young age is surprisingly common. Scientists have even observed fetuses doing it in utero, and babies and toddlers are known for masturbating as well, but it catches most new parents off guard.
“Research shows that children as young as newborn infants masturbate by rubbing their crotches rhythmically against the bottom of their crib mattresses,” psychotherapist Fran Walfish explains. Moms and dads should not ignore this completely but respond in a calm way that sets some healthy limits for masturbation. “It is up to parents to gently give their young children a clear message that it’s fine to feel good by touching yourself only when you are alone and in your bed, setting defined boundaries that specify solo involvement and a specific place only for self-pleasuring.”
It can be jarring for parents to see children use their toys, pillows, and even the couch to masturbate before they realize what they’re doing is sexual. But rest assured it’s normal. The reason kids tend to do this is that these objects are familiar and come with a sense of safety. That instinct is a healthy one. Like with masturbating in general, the best way for parents to respond to this is by reassuring that it is OK to use their toys to make themselves feel good in that way, but only by themselves.
“You can say, ‘moving your stuffed animal like that is for private. I know it feels good, and you can do it, but it is private so you only do it in your room, and not when anyone else is watching.’ Say this in a normal conversational tone,” clinical psychologist Samantha Rodman suggests on her website.
Although experts overwhelmingly agree that it’s up to parents to teach children appropriate boundaries about not masturbating around any peers or adults, many kids will welcome privacy anyways. In fact, when parents catch their children masturbating for the first time, it is often in scenarios where they thought no one was around. But when kids are masturbating in front of their peers, siblings, or adults, especially after this boundary is set, it can be a warning sign of compulsive behavior and sexual abuse. So it’s crucial that parents gently ask follow-up questions and consult with their pediatricians and other professionals if that is the case. The goal is to make sure that no one is hurting their child and to foster healthy expressions of sexuality.
“Masturbation is a normal behavior but it can become problematic when the behavior is no longer private,” psychologist Sabina Mauro says. “This may suggest they have a history of sexual abuse or were exposed to inappropriate sexual behavior. It may also suggest that there may be intrusive thoughts related to their masturbation and need to masturbate. These behaviors can be addressed, identified, and corrected.”
For adults, the answer to how much masturbation is too much is any amount that gets in the way of their daily lives. Since young children do not have jobs or responsibilities, this is more challenging to quantify, but not impossible. If masturbation habits are getting in the way of eating or sleeping habits, that might be something to worry about. Beyond that, when healthy boundaries about masturbation are effectively set and children are only doing it privately, then parents just have to make sure children enjoy enough time outside of their bedroom.
“Not so much the quantity as much as the context of masturbation. In other words, do they seem to prefer to be alone to social interactions with their friends? Are they becoming increasingly isolated?” Pierre-Louis says.
If parents suspect their child is masturbating too much, they can try encouraging more social activities that kids enjoy to naturally curb masturbation without shaming them. Ideally, this will get them out of their rooms without making them feel bad about the masturbating they’ve already done.
Masturbation should be a fun solo activity, but it’s far from a coping skill and children should not use it in that way. But some children may use masturbation this way, especially under stressful or traumatic circumstances. It’s worth noting that trauma does not have to be of a sexual nature when it comes to children developing unhealthy masturbation habits, though that is understandably a concern. Sometimes trauma can come in the form of a change, such as a divorce, a loss of a family member, or even moving to a new town. In these instances, if children seem to be masturbating when they feel upset, stressed, or anxious, it could be a sign that they’re using it in an unhealthy way, which could lead to more compulsive sexual behaviors later in life.
“Masturbation compulsion signs include when you must masturbate urgently and impulsively when you feel anxious, upset, frightened, or nervous,” Walfish warns. But when children masturbate when they’re otherwise happy, it is likely nothing to worry about.
Every kid is different and as much as it is normal for babies to masturbate, it’s just as normal for some children to not masturbate at all. While not masturbating enough is not a concern for parents, it underscores the important point that people are born with varying sex drives and there is no one-size-fits-all prescription for how big or small that should be. Whether children masturbate or not, what is important is that parents are prepared to communicate openly about it if they do, so children can have healthy sex lives as adults, without growing up too fast.
When masturbation does happen, it is simply one of many weird things children do as a sign of healthy development. Once parents have endured all of the other strange surprises like their baby’s primitive bat reflexes and night terrors, it’s hard to be phased.
Childhood masturbation is normal, but bottling up parental anxieties about it is not. Even if your kid’s masturbation habits check all the healthy boxes, being concerned about their sexual development does not make you a bad or overbearing parent. In these cases, it’s important to get some outside perspective, ideally a clinical one. By talking to their pediatrician privately about your concerns, rather than reacting to them in front of your child, parents can better determine if their concerns are valid and how to address them, without doing any additional damage.
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Women Recall The First Time A Man Masturbated In Front Of Them Without Consent
What Louis C.K. did is more common than you think.
NEW YORK ― The most remarkable thing about comedian Louis C.K. masturbating in front of women without their consent is not that he did it ― as he acknowledged in a statement Friday ― but that some people don’t realize how common this is.
In reality, many women, perhaps most, have been forced at some point to see a random man jerk off in front of us ― at a gas station, on a subway car, while driving, or wherever we happen to be existing while female.
The first of three times it happened to me, I was around 5 years old at a Burger King in Opelousas, Louisiana. A man in a corner booth was looking at my mom and me while stroking his exposed penis. She quickly ushered me outside to play in the ball pit and reported him to the manager, who booted him from the restaurant.
When I asked women on Twitter Thursday night about the first time this happened to them, dozens of stories poured in. Country music artist Chely Wright said she’s dealt with eight surprise masturbation attacks in her life. The first time, she was 18 and working as a performer at Opryland USA, a theme park in Nashville, Tennessee.
“I was walking to my car in the employee parking lot when a man in his car yelled out to me, ‘Hey, can you help me with something?‘” Wright wrote. “I thought I should help someone who was asking for help. I approached his car; the drivers’ side window was down. I saw he was doing something with his hand. I looked down and saw that he was masturbating.”
Wright said the man laughed when she saw what he was doing.
“I’ll never forgot what I saw and I’ll never forget the way he laughed,” she said. “I felt scared and embarrassed.”
I was in high school the first time it happened to me. Was reading at a bookstore, heard panting sounds & turned to see a guy masturbating. Told a cop who was there. He asked me if I was sure about what I saw and, get this, what sounds he was making?
Another woman, Leah Spurlock, says she was so embarrassed by the two similar incidents that happened to her that she’s always felt “cursed in some weird sick way,” not realizing how common this is.
The first time, Spurlock was 8 years old at a gas station in Georgia. A white, middle-aged man pulled up beside her family’s van where she was sitting. She writes:
He stared until I looked at him. He unzipped his pants and pulled out his penis... I positioned myself to keep my brother from seeing anything if he happened to glance out the window. I looked back out the window and he was masturbating and staring at me. As my mom came out of the gas station he drove away. I was devastated. I had never seen a penis. I didn’t know what he was doing. I never told anyone and felt sick inside for years and years. I remember it so vividly that I feel like I would recognize the man 29 years later.
Sometimes, men use technology to pull a Louis C.K. from a distance. Soraya Chemaly, a feminist writer and activist, says random men regularly send her unsolicited photos of themselves masturbating. And Priscilla Frank, an arts and culture reporter for HuffPost, says a man once approached her on the street in Brooklyn, New York, chatted her up for a few minutes and then asked for her number. She gave it to him, because he “seemed cute/cool.” Later, he called her from an anonymous number and audibly masturbated on the phone.
“I hung up and he kept calling back,” she said. “Eventually he came on my answering machine and never called again.”
Eve Peyser, a politics writer at Vice, also put out a call Thursday for women’s stories of men masturbating at them. As of Friday afternoon, her tweet had drawn more than 1,800 responses.
Psychologists say this behavior is a form of sexual violence, and men do it because they’re less likely to be caught or punished than if they rape or physically assault someone.
In the absence of a clear means of recourse, women and girls generally have to either ignore the behavior or fight back however they can. Katie Smith, a woman from Delray Beach, Florida, says that when she was 10, she and her friends threw eggs and rocks at a man who had followed their school bus while masturbating.
“I still remember the look on his face when we did it,” she said. “I’ve always hoped it gave him lifelong performance anxiety.”
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