Teen Let Sex

Teen Let Sex
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It's no secret that sex is a big deal for teenagers. They think about it, they talk about it. And usually, they do it. On average, both males and females in the US and UK first have sex at 16. Which, if you're the parent of a teenager or young adult, can suddenly start to feel very real. Have you ever wondered where all those teenagers are doing it?
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Sep 15, 2014, 06:56 AM EDT | Updated Nov 15, 2014
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It's one thing to know your kids are having sex. It's another thing for it to happen at your house, with your permission. High50's Paula Greenspan reports on how to navigate this tricky topic
Where do you think your teenage children are having sex? It's better to let them do it at home, say some experts.
It's no secret that sex is a big deal for teenagers. They think about it, they talk about it. And usually, they do it.
On average, both males and females in the US and UK first have sex at 16. Which, if you're the parent of a teenager or young adult, can suddenly start to feel very real.
Have you ever wondered where all those teenagers are doing it? Nobody likes to think of their child taking risks by having sex outdoors or in the back of a car. But what's the alternative for them?
Well if they're living with you, there's a good chance that the safest place for your kids to have sex is under your roof. Which is a pretty uncomfortable thought for a lot of parents. So what do you do when he or she asks for a partner to stay over?
In an ideal world, you'll have been discussing sex and relationships with your kids for years so the subject won't be new to the two of you.
But there's a massive difference between having a theoretical chat about and actually giving them your blessing to do it, especially if they're still quite young.
According to Suzanne Pearson, psychologist and director of Sharing Parenting , there's no right age to begin allowing your child to have partners stay the night. "However, most parents tend to consider it more over the age of 16," she says.
Yes, 16 is the federal legal age of consent (it varies from state to state, and in some it's actually younger) but that doesn't mean sexual maturity suddenly kicks in at midnight on your child's 16th birthday. There are other things to consider as well.
How well does your child know his or her partner? Is it a happy, committed relationship, or just a fling? Can your child handle the emotions of a sexual relationship? Are they putting themselves at risk of a sexually-transmitted disease or pregnancy? And...
That last question is a big one. It would be easy to assume that when kids ask for a partner to stay over, it means they want you to say yes. But in some cases your child might, in fact, be looking to you to be the one who says no?
It's worth considering whether your child is feeling pressure from friends, or even a boyfriend or girlfriend, and may not have the confidence to say no themselves. After all, it's far easier to say 'my mum won't let me' than 'I don't want to'.
You know your child best and in this situation and you've got to think about whether they're delving into something they're simply not ready for.
"Trust your instincts about how your child feels," says Suzanne. "If you know your teenager well, you'll know if they're relying on you to say no."
If you do say no and your teen simply agrees without arguing about your decision, chances are it was what they wanted to hear.
When young children ask to sleep over at a friend's house, you'd probably call the friend's parents to check it's OK with them. However, when sex is involved with your older teens, you might want to think twice before picking up the phone.
It's a grey area and a very difficult decision for parents to make.
Suzanne Pearson believes that by making that call behind your child's back, you're crossing a line. After all, just by asking your permission and involving you in the relationship, your child is showing trust in you. One phone call could break that trust.
"If you ring the partner's parents you're undermining your relationship with your son or daughter," she says. "But if you really want to do it, make sure to ask for your child's permission first."
Not everyone agrees with this approach. Dr Linda Mallory, educational psychologist and author of Parentuality: How to Have an Amazing Relationship with your Child, has a different take on things.
"It's about the health and safety of everybody involved," she says. "It's about being open and honest, and in order to do that I would feel it was important to speak to the other child's parents."
So what do you do? One mum found middle ground when her 16-year-old son wanted his girlfriend to stay for the weekend.
"Rather than asking, he more or less told me that she'd be staying over for the weekend. I didn't ring her parents but I knew his girlfriend well and I spoke to her on the phone to ask if her parents had agreed," she said. "She said they had, and after having a think and a chat with my partner, I agreed too."
Once you've agreed to let your child have a partner stay over, you have to live with the reality of it.
Being aware that your child is sexually active is very different to feeling comfortable knowing that he or she is having sex in the next room right at that very moment.
Hopefully this isn't a decision you've made lightly. And if you've thought it through, you're likely to have a good reason for agreeing.
But parents are parents, and it probably won't stop you from worrying.
So what do you do when you're lying in bed, blinking at the ceiling and driving yourself crazy wondering what they're up to in there?
"You need to be clear about the reason why you made the decision and genuinely feel comfortable with it," Suzanne says. "Remind yourself of that, and that you love your teenager."
Believe it or not, you'll get used to the idea. Eventually.
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Ah, summertime—when heat, hormones and boredom lead to bad decisions. This month, four teens were arrested for allegedly having sex on a beach in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. The sun was out, and the shore was filled with families not expecting, um, that type of view. Onlookers called the public display “disgusting,” according to news reports.
But upon hearing the story, some parents of teenagers wondered, well, what if those young men and women just didn’t have a reasonable place to get busy?
A few weeks ago, I shared tips for talking to young kids about sex. Today, I’m back to share some…
On her parenting blog Raising Teens, Cindy Goodman writes that she believes there’s a case to be made for letting teens have sex in their own bedrooms . If they’re already sexually active—and, like it or not, in 2015, 41% of U.S. high school students reported that they have had sexual intercourse —Goodman suggests that providing them with a safe place can prevent them from sneaking off to beaches, parks and who else knows where.
A few years ago, I walked into my neighborhood clubhouse and found a teen couple having sex on the couch. At the time, I thought: “At least they are inside where they are somewhat safe!”
I hate the idea of my kids having sex at random public places like beaches or parks, but I am realistic that this kind of teen behavior happens frequently.
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Making the house available for your teen to have sex would involve having a conversation about it, which may be uncomfortable, but it’s important that parents talk to their kids about sex regularly, whether they’re little and just starting to have conversations or if they’re already going through puberty . As for how it would work out logistically—I’m not quite sure. Do you stand next to the family calendar with a dry erase marker, asking, “Sweetie, would you like to have intercourse on Wednesday or Thursday at 4:30? I can run my errands then.” Who knows? That may just kill the mood for another couple of years.

When should you let your teen have sex in your house?
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It’s one thing to know your kids are having sex. It’s another thing for it to happen at your house, with your permission. Paula Greenspan reports on how to navigate this tricky topic
Consider where your teenage children will behaving sex if not allowed to at home, say experts
It’s no secret that sex is a big deal for teenagers. They think about it, they talk about it. And usually, they do it.
On average, both girls and boys in the UK have sex for the first time at the age of 16. Which, if you’re the parent of a teenager or young adult, can suddenly start to feel very real.
Have you ever wondered where all those teenagers are doing it? Nobody likes to think of their child taking risks by having sex outdoors or in the back of a car. But what’s the alternative for them?
Well, if they’re living with you, there’s a good chance that the safest place for your kids to have sex is under your roof. Which is a pretty uncomfortable thought for a lot of parents. So what do you do when he or she asks for a partner to stay over?
In an ideal world, you’ll have been discussing sex and relationships with your kids for years so the subject won’t be new to the two of you.
But there’s a massive difference between having a theoretical chat about and actually giving them your blessing to do it, especially if they’re still quite young.
According to Suzanne Pearson, psychologist and director of Sharing Parenting , there’s no right age to begin allowing your child to have partners stay the night. “However, most parents tend to consider it more over the age of 16,” she says.
Yes, 16 is the legal age of consent but that doesn’t mean sexual maturity suddenly kicks in at midnight on your child’s 16 th birthday. There are other things to consider , such as how well your child knows his or her partner; whether it’s a happy, committed relationship, or just a fling; whether your child can handle the emotions of a sexual relationship; and if they are putting themselves at risk of a sexually-transmitted disease or pregnancy.
And: do they really want to have sex?
That last question is a big one. It would be easy to assume that when kids ask for a partner to stay over, it means they want you to say yes. But in some cases your child might, in fact, be looking to you to be the one who says no.
It’s worth considering whether your child is feeling pressure from friends, or a boyfriend or girlfriend, and may not have the confidence to say no themselves. After all, it’s far easier to say ‘My mum won’t let me’ than ‘I don’t want to’.
You know your child best and in this situation and you’ve got to think about whether they’re delving into something they’re simply not ready for.
“Trust your instincts about how your child feels,” says Suzanne. “If you know your teenager well, you’ll know if they’re relying on you to say no.”
If you do say no and your teen simply agrees without arguing about your decision, chances are it was what they wanted to hear.
When young children ask to sleep over at a friend’s house, you’d probably call the friend’s parents to check it’s OK with them. However, when sex is involved with your older teens, you might want to think twice before picking up the phone.
It’s a grey area and a very difficult decision for parents to make.
Suzanne Pearson believes that by making that call behind your child’s back, you’re crossing a line. After all, just by asking your permission and involving you in the relationship, your child is showing trust in you. One phone call could break that trust.
“If you ring the partner’s parents you’re undermining your relationship with your son or daughter,” she says. “If you really want to do that, make sure to ask for your child’s permission first.”
Not everyone agrees with this approach. Dr Linda Mallory, educational psychologist and author of Parentuality: How to Have an Amazing Relationship with your Child , has a different take.
“It’s about the health and safety of everybody involved,” she says. “It’s about being open and honest, and in order to do that I would feel it was important to speak to the other child’s parents.”
So what do you do? One mum found middle ground when her 16-year-old son wanted his girlfriend to stay for the weekend.
“Rather than asking, he more or less told me that she’d be staying over for the weekend. I didn’t ring her parents but I knew his girlfriend well and I spoke to her on the phone to ask if her parents had agreed,” she said.
“She said they had, and after having a think and a chat with my partner, I agreed too.
“The fact is, they were going to have sex anyway so at least this way they weren’t somewhere unsafe or doing it in public.
“Then I put loads of condoms in the bathroom and told them to help themselves.
“They didn’t use the ones I’d bought but I knew they were having safe sex because we’d talked about it and I felt better knowing the condoms were there if they needed them.”
Once you’ve agreed to let your child have a partner stay over, you have to live with the reality of it.
Being aware that your child is sexually active is very different to feeling comfortable knowing that he or she is having sex in the next room right at that very moment.
Hopefully this isn’t a decision you’ve made lightly. And if you’ve thought it through, you’re likely to have a good reason for agreeing.
But parents are parents, and it probably won’t stop you from worrying.
So what do you do when you’re lying in bed, blinking at the ceiling and driving yourself crazy wondering what they’re up to in there?
“You need to be clear about the reason why you made the decision and genuinely feel comfortable with it,” Suzanne says. “Remind yourself of that, and that you love your teenager.”
Believe it or not, you’ll get used to the idea. Eventually.
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At least at home, I know they won’t run out of condoms or be put in a situation where they don’t feel like they can say no.
Like most parents, I try to avoid thinking about my kids having sex. Having been a teenager myself once upon a time, I knew it was likely they’d decide to have sex before adulthood. But it never occurred to me that when my teens did choose to have sex, they’d do it in my house.
Talking openly about sex is one thing. But dealing with my kids actually having sex is another thing entirely. In theory, it’s important not to stigmatize my kids’ sex lives or create shame around it that can last a lifetime. In practice, when I began to suspect that one of my teens was having sex, it was tempting to forbid him from spending time alone with his girlfriend.
My teens aren’t the first ones in their friend group to have sex. They were shocked when their friends began having sex as freshmen—at 13 or 14 years old—and I’ll admit that I was shocked too. The most surprising aspect of their friends’ newfound sex lives was that it was the kids whose parents were the strictest who had sex the youngest. If I was looking for proof that trying to control my kids’ sex lives would be effective, I didn’t find it.
As their friends become sexually active, my kids had questions. Sometimes, those questions were about working through their own feelings about sex, but other times they were far more logistical in nature: Where could their friends get free birth control? What type of birth control was the most effective? And when all else failed, where could they go for an abortion? More than once, they even brought their friends to me to talk about their relationships and birth control options.
I’ve talked to my kids about safe sex many times, but those awkward conversations didn’t prepare them for all of the nuances of having safe sex in practice. It was only when my teens came to me to talk about their concerns about one of their siblings having sex that I realized how many things I still had left to say. I’d told my son to use a condom, of course, but had I emphasized the importance of using two methods of protection to prevent pregnancy? Did my son know that he could always come to me to ask me to buy more condoms if our supply ran out?
But most importantly, would my son still practice safe sex if I made it harder for him to have sex at home? At least at home, I know they won’t run out of condoms or be put in a situation where they don’t feel like they can say no. Switching to an open-door policy began to seem ill-advised rather than sensible.
That doesn’t mean it’s not uncomfortable for me—or my other teens. They’ve asked me to “do something” about their brother’s sex life when they discovered sex toys in his bedroom. But as I reminded them, they probably shouldn’t barge into
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