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You are entering a forum that contains discussions of abuse, some of which are explicit in nature. The topics discussed may be triggering to some people. Please be aware of this before entering this forum. If you are posting about actions of yours which you feel are/were abusive please post about this in The Remorse Forum . If you have been falsely accused of abusing someone please post in the For Those Falsely Accused of Abusing thread . Please also note that discussions about Incest in this forum are only in relation to abuse. Discussions about Incest in a non-abusive context are not allowed at PsychForums. Thank you for your cooperation. The Mod Team
I was 5. I used to go on "walks" with this family friend. he was very nice and told me we had to play a secret game, that it was normal and everybody does it. so he touched me, performed oral sex on me. I remember liking it and being happy afterwards. it's my fault I should've known it was wrong. I should've said something. instead I did it to others my age, I stayed with these thoughts for so long wanting to do it again at 8 years old. I knew things I shouldn't it would always impress my friends. Now as a teenager I look back and I never want to think about sex again. I want to suppress all my dirty fantasies that he gave me. he stole my childhood he made me a perverted young girl. I want purity and innocence. I want to start over. I also want to kill him. I want to make him pay for my social anxiety, for my borderline personality disorder, for everything that's wrong with me. my grades were always so low, I started drinking and using early. he messed me up. I messed myself up by liking it. I never told anyone about our secret game. but I want to tell now. why did I like it ? why did I do it to my classmates ? why am I like this ?
Last edited by Snaga on Sun Oct 11, 2015 9:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Trigger earning added
You liked it because its a natural response. Your body responded, your child-mind liked the attention and time he spent with you. I was groomed by my step-father and molested at five also. He made me feel special. Twenty four years later, after therapy, I'm finally healed. I still have work to do. I still cry in pain for all the years that was stolen from me. First of all things you use to make you forget or take the pain away needs to be only positive coping skills. I understand its hard, I smoked weed for so many years. I just wanted to forget. I realized its better to face the demons and beat them once and for all. Its very hard but its not your fault. Children don't understand right and wrong when there is an adult they trust involved. He lied to you, he groomed you, he made you feel special to use you. I swear its not your fault. But I was scared to share my story also. When you are ready, share it. Even online like this is a big step. People don't judge like you think. My abuse lasted fourteen years... I thought for sure I would be judged by not stopping it. But I was scared, he went from saying all daddys do it to I will kill your family, to get me to keep the secret. I hope this helps you.
Glad your here! Keep telling your story here; We have a blog section! I use it all the time, slowly getting my story out! I would recommend a therapist! Any girl groups dealing with psych stuff in the area you can join! !2 step groups dealing with emotion stuff; that kind of thing! Something to look into! Your not alone! Great job telling your story! Give the blog section a try! -- Mon Oct 12, 2015 5:13 pm -- Glad your here! Keep telling your story here; We have a blog section! I use it all the time, slowly getting my story out! I would recommend a therapist! Any girl groups dealing with psych stuff in the area you can join! !2 step groups dealing with emotion stuff; that kind of thing! Something to look into! Your not alone! Great job telling your story! Give the blog section a try!
Dissociative Disorder CPTSD AVPD; Social avoidance Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression agoraphobia obsessive/compulsive disorder Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
Yes, most of go through the stages of therapy not knowing, knowing, realizing, liking it, education. It is normal, God made this thing called sex for pleasure it is sacred for adults consensually. I know it is a process for people like us to realize that . I would say stay the course in therapy in gets better you will heal enough that you will have power of what you stated (your feelings) in this post. Your not alone!
Dx: DID, PTSD, Panic Disorder We are system of several.....Blog of system map
Lila15 wrote: I was 5. I used to go on "walks" with this family friend. he was very nice and told me we had to play a secret game, that it was normal and everybody does it. so he touched me, performed oral sex on me. I remember liking it and being happy afterwards. it's my fault I should've known it was wrong. I should've said something. instead I did it to others my age, I stayed with these thoughts for so long wanting to do it again at 8 years old. I knew things I shouldn't it would always impress my friends. Now as a teenager I look back and I never want to think about sex again. I want to suppress all my dirty fantasies that he gave me. he stole my childhood he made me a perverted young girl. I want purity and innocence. I want to start over. I also want to kill him. I want to make him pay for my social anxiety, for my borderline personality disorder, for everything that's wrong with me. my grades were always so low, I started drinking and using early. he messed me up. I messed myself up by liking it. I never told anyone about our secret game. but I want to tell now. why did I like it ? why did I do it to my classmates ? why am I like this ?
i was abused as a kid. i enjoyed it, to the extent that i'd look forward to it n wanted to get touched by my cousin/brother. i grew up watching abusive porn n thoughts to abuse. i think the feeling of pleasure is normal.
You were 5 and were made to feel special. Don't feel guilty. In a way I wish you would post your story on the Paraphilia thread under Sexual where some pro-contact pedophiles say kids enjoy sex, and it's all society's fault they feel guilty about it later. I don't think the pro-contacts ever come to the Abuse forum or ever read any of our stories.
You're not alone. I went through a similar experience. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel clean but I hold on to the thought that one day I will find a partner who is so loving and caring that my anxieties about sex will ease. Well wishes on your journey to recovery <3
You should talk about it. Post here, more importantly - talk to a good therapist. You liked it, because - as others said - it's a natural response. Often survivors feel guilty and confused because of that. (On top of that, there is also trauma bonding and stockholm syndrom which makes the relationship with the abuser and your feelings even more messed up). That you did it to others is also typical. Survivors of sexual abuse often become too sexual themselves. What happened to you is really horrible, I've been there too. Please, find a therapist. I've been through a therapy and it really helped me (although it took years of a hard work).
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My (So) Bad for March 10, 2008 By Audrey Fine PUBLISHED: Mar 10, 2008
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"One day I was at the bus stop alone with this supercute guy who I really liked. I thought that he hated me, but boy was I so wrong! Well, we were just standing there getting bored, and before I knew it, he kissed me! I was in total shock and couldn't move or talk until the bus came! That sure was a great way to start off the day!"
"So, there was this girl Emily in my freshman class who was SO conceited. Seriously, she worshipped the ground she walked on. I didn't like her because she's the school slut, but everyone else seemed to think she was so nice. Well, I recently found out that she was addicted to drugs and sex. I felt so bad for not liking her after that."
"I went to the movies with an old friend, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's friend. I thought her BF was really hot, and he must have thought I was too because he kept staring at me. Before the movie her BF said he wanted to buy us popcorn, so I went with him. Right before we went back into the theater, we started making out! Right at that moment, my friend walked out the door and saw us. She was so mad and didn't speak to me EVER again. Perhaps we should've picked a more private place to make out!"
"My parents and sister were out of the house one night, so I invited over this boy I had a crush on to watch a movie. There happened to be a thunderstorm that night, so right in the middle of the movie the power went out. I got up to get a flashlight in my closet, and when I got back, I tripped over one of my (many) shoes and landed on the bed right next to him! So we start kissing, you know, just the innocent stuff, but it quickly got steamier! Before we knew it, we heard my sister's car in the driveway, so I had to put on my shirt and he had to get his shoes on and make it to the back door in lightning speed! It was so devious!"
"Once when my parents went away for the weekend, my older sister had to baby-sit. Well, in the middle of night I found her in the pool with her boyfriend making out. It was going pretty far when my parents walked through the door! They asked me where my sister was, and I pointed outside. My mom caught them in the pool, so they never let her baby-sit again!"
"One day I was at my friend's house riding on her sister's skateboard when I crashed into her sister's puzzle. We tried putting it back together but couldn't, so she decided to lie and tell her mom the cat did it. I was totally against it and wanted to tell the truth, but I knew it risked our friendship. So her mom and sister still think the darn cat did it!"
"One day at school my friends and I were playing around with a bottle of Victoria's Secret perfume spray during recess. A few of my friends had the bright idea that I go up and spray the perfume on my crush. Well, I did, but it went right into his eyes. Oh no!!! I could not believe it. He doesn't hate me, but he hasn't been paying much attention to me either — just in case I have another bottle of spray!"
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