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This post is in response to
Do Assholes Really Finish First?
By Scott Barry Kaufman
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Austin, TX
Brooklyn, NY
Chicago, IL
Denver, CO
Houston, TX
Los Angeles, CA
New York, NY
Portland, OR
San Diego, CA
San Francisco, CA
Seattle, WA
Washington, DC
Mental Health
Addiction
Anxiety
ADHD
Asperger's
Autism
Bipolar Disorder
Chronic Pain
Depression
Eating Disorders
Personality
Passive Aggression
Personality
Shyness
Personal Growth
Goal Setting
Happiness
Positive Psychology
Stopping Smoking
Relationships
Low Sexual Desire
Relationships
Sex
Family Life
Child Development
Parenting
Talk to Someone
Find a Therapist
Find a Treatment Center
Find a Psychiatrist
Find a Support Group
Find Teletherapy
Trending Topics
Coronavirus Disease 2019
Narcissism
Dementia
Bias
Affective Forecasting
Neuroscience
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Posted January 19, 2010
|
Reviewed by Matt Huston
A few months ago, back in the golden days of interning at PT, I read a blog post that changed my life. Scott Barry Kaufman, or as I affectionately refer to him, SBK, wrote: Do Assholes Really Finish First ?
He discussed the phenomenon of women falling for "bad boys" or "assholes" and included various research to back such claims. I encourage you all to read his post if you haven't, but if you want my CliffsNotes version, feel free to park your mouse here for a moment.
SBK writes: "Bad boys tend to have lots of positive traits that come along for the ride of the badness, such as good looks, confidence , creativity , humor , charisma , high energy, and good social skills—all things women find attractive."
He also found that for men "one striking direct path to mating success stood out... low agreeableness ; the lower the agreeableness, the more sexual partners."
In terms of psychology, "the 'asshole' consists of the following traits: High Extraversion , Low Neuroticism (perhaps), Low Conscientiousness , Low Agreeableness, High Openness to Experience , and a bit of a dip into the dark triad traits (those with an extreme dark triad profile aren't considered sexually attractive)." The dark triad refers to three personality deficiencies: narcissism, Machiavellianism , and psychopathy .
SBK also raised the question, why do girls want to be with the bad boy ?
He found an answer from Michelle at Girlfriend's Planet, who eloquently put it like this: "[Bad Boys] don't really ever commit to you, therefore you're always chasing after them. The challenge! As women, we're kind of wired to think that we can change anyone, and bad boys are no exception."
It was as if SBK had come into the dressing room of my soul and had seen my naked psychological self. How utterly accurate his findings were!
Finally, an explanation for this crazy inexplicable attraction ! I simply liked assholes...
I quickly assess my past romantic interludes and wonder just how many of my gentleman callers were actual textbook-definition "assholes."
Sure they were outgoing, charming, open to new experiences, funny, handsome, maybe even a bit narcissistic , which all fits the psychological asshole profile, but they've never been Tucker Max mean to me.
Okay, so they've hurt me, but never intentionally. I think that most guys get faulted or called an "asshole" because they can't give the girl what she wants. I know I'm guilty of that. Trevor broke up with you? Oh, he's an asshole !
Really? Trevor is an asshole because he was honest about his feelings?
Perhaps, if Trevor cheated on you, berated you in public, gave you a couple of black eyes or called you a fat, ugly whore, he would earn the title, but for breaking up with you?
In fact, Trevor was a great boyfriend. He would call and leave stupid sappy voicemails, do a hysterical Kermit impression, and surprise visit you in France while you were studying abroad, because he knew you didn't want to be alone for the holidays.
Trevor was never an asshole. Neither were any of the guys I dated and then vilified as "assholes" in my dream journal. Even Eric, who cheated, wasn't an asshole. He was genuinely apologetic and vowed never to hurt me again. Of course, he did in other ways, but he had a good heart. Very rarely do guys actually want to inflict pain on you.
These guys weren't bad boys; they were just emotionally unavailable .
Non-committal, not ready for a relationship, whatever you want to call it—that's it! That's where the allure comes from. Not the bad boy himself, but his inability to commit. Even good guys exhibit this quality. Arguably the best guy of them all, Edward Cullen, also has commitment issues. Yes, he loved Bella, but he did leave her behind in a vampire-susceptible forest. What was up with that?
Maybe for me, it boils down to this old saying, you always want what you can't have .
Women want some chase, some drama, some intrigue. If it's too easy to get the guy, then she might think, "Wait, he just fell into my lap. This is fishy. Maybe he thinks that I'm too good for him. Cool. I'm too good for him. Wait, if I'm too good for him, then that means I could do better. Next!"
I hate to say this, but this thought has crossed my mind (and I'm sure others' as well) more than once. The allure of the emotionally unavailable guy is that he doesn't think the girl is worth committing to, not yet anyway, which can be construed as, "you're not good enough for me," which automatically makes the girl want to be "good enough." So she starts chasing the guy, when she damn well knows that she shouldn't.
This part is what Michelle refers to as "the challenge."
How do you overcome this challenge? Is there an eHow on this? I'd be happy to read it. Dr. Drew? Oprah? SBK? Anyone?
At the very least, it's comforting to know that I'm not inexorably drawn to assholes , just non-committals.
Jen Kim is a former Psychology Today intern and a graduate of Northwestern University.
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Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.
Originally Published: Oct. 2, 2016
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Recently, I found myself thumbing through my son’s baby pictures in an effort to remind myself that, at one point in his life, he wasn’t a grumpy teenager. There used to be a time where he promised he’d marry me and build us a home right next to our actual house so I could visit his father whenever I wanted. There was a time when I was the moon to his stars, the Luke to his Leia, the peanut butter to his jelly. And, there was a time when his gym clothes didn’t make me gag into the garbage can.
But nowadays, my son, in all his teenage glory, can be a bit of an asshole. An eye-rolling, opinionated, “Mom is the village idiot” teenage asshole, to be specific. Almost overnight, he’s become an authority on everything, announces loudly in public that I’m embarrassing him, and hogs the entire couch when playing his video games. He has exactly zero patience with his little sister, and there are days when I can barely remember his squishy baby cheeks and toothless grin. And, for the record, if his toddler tantrums were any indication of how his teen years will go, I’m in for a bumpy ride.
Don’t get me wrong; he’s a great kid. Really. But, in those moments when he sets his acned jaw, crosses his arms, and rolls his eyes, his teenaged assholery makes me want to lose my mind. And, if I have any hope of surviving his attitude, his epic eye-rolling and his “know it all” mindset, I had to come up with some coping strategies.
Admittedly, this strategy is the least effective, but it’s definitely the most satisfying. When my teens are copping major ‘tudes, I mimic their behavior right back to them. Eye rolls? Mom can do that, too. Foot stomping? Oh, fun! I’ll play along! Storming out of the room with a door slam flourish? Yes, please, I’ll have another! When I’m employing this strategy, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t flip the bird to their backs as they storm up the stairs. Acting like a teenager is fun, dammit.
I save this method for the real asshole behavior — the situations in which my teen crosses so far over the line that I can envision her standing before a judge some day. In those moments, the gloves come off and I come out swinging (not actual swinging, relax everyone). I match them wit for wit, tone for tone, and I unleash the fires of mom hell from all angles. I hand out punishments and consequences faster than Rocky knocked out Apollo Creed and, by the time I’m done, even the referee is quaking in his boots.
In the last year, I’ve apparently become the most embarrassing mother on the entire planet, and it’s a role I wear with pride. If I’m friendly to my son’s buddies (and by “friendly” I mean “say hi”), I get an eyeroll and a “Stop it! You’re embarrassing me!” face. Whether I am volunteering at his school or just simply breathing, I cause him daily mortification. And unfortunately for him, I use it to my advantage. I turn the music up loudly in the car, sing ’80s songs when his friends are in the car, and I yell “I love you, sweetie” in a sing-song voice as he’s getting out of the car at drop off. And the time I broke it down to “Baby Got Back” at a neighborhood party in front of his friends as he died a thousand deaths from humiliation? Well, suffice it to say he knows I mean business when I tell him to shape up or I’ll break out my dance moves.
This method is self-explanatory. Because wine. Duh.
Sometimes, you gotta know when to fold ’em and just walk away. Yes, your teen may have been disrespectful, and yes, you may want to wring his neck, but you aren’t letting them win by walking away to regroup. Rather, you are giving yourself some much-needed time to restrain yourself from saying something you’ll regret like, “No electronics for a month!” or “You are grounded for a week!” Because a teen without his phone and social media is the assholiest of the assholes, amiright?
When all else fails, sometimes you have to force a smile and put on your best “Grin and Bear It” face. There are days when my teen’s asshole behavior threatens to get the best of me but I force myself to remember that the asshole years won’t last forever. My son won’t always be annoyed by my presence and my daughter won’t always look at me and spit out “Whatever” when I ask her to fold her laundry. And, though I may be gritting my teeth as I force my smile, I find that it’s actually quite effective in scaring my teens just the tiniest bit. I call it my “Mom Might Lose Her Shit At Any Minute” smile. It keeps them on their toes.
When all else fails, when you don’t have the patience to grin and bear it, or when you can’t find the strength to go Rocky Balboa on your teen, just be quiet. Stop what you are doing and listen to what your teen is saying. Really hear their angst and take yourself back to the time when you were convinced that your parents were the dumbest bricks on the planet. Let yourself be reminded that what your teen is feeling is not only valid but also honest and real. And try not to take what they are spewing at you too personally, either. Teens lash out at the ones who will love them through their assholery, and there will come a time when they look at you and realize that you might not be so dumb after all. It might be when they are 40, but it’ll happen.
Those baby cheeks may be long gone and the days when they smelled like a baby wash commercial may be a distant memory, but it’s okay to reach out and stroke those teenaged chiseled cheeks now and again. Our teens need the same soft touch we gave them when they toddled through their toddler years, and some days, you just have to pull them close and whisper, “I love you. Even if you are being a giant asshole.”
This article was originally published on Oct. 2, 2016
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