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by Grown and Flown | February 10, 2016
Several months ago, I saw a photo on Facebook of a teen’s messy room. It belonged to a college student home for a short winter break and her mom was asking friends for their advice. Most people commented that she should follow the wisdom of Princess Elsa in Frozen and “Let it go” so she could enjoy a peaceful, argument free visit with her daughter.
The picture and the comments resonated with me. When kids are small, parents try to instill in them a sense of independence and responsibility. Parents encourage their children to clean up their own messes.
I remember singing the “Clean Up” song with my children when they were small and helping them tidy up their room. In preschool, children put away toys they used before moving on the next activity. When they went to a friend’s house for a play date, I would insist that they help the other child clean up before they could leave.
So what happened? How does a skill that was learned and mastered at age six, somehow fade away at age 16?
According to David Bredehoft, PhD, co-author of the book, How Much is Too Much? Raising Likeable, Responsible, Respectful Children—from Toddlers to Teens—In an Age of Overindulgence, says there are a few reasons why parents are reluctant to say something to their teen about a messy room. This include:
Teens are busy. Bredehoft says, “Between school, sports, afterschool activities etc. today’s teens are overloaded and overextended. Parents tend to be soft on structure and rules, because they don’t want to add any stress to their teens’ life.” The result is over-nurturing by the parent. Says Bredehoft, “Mom or Dad just cleans up the room rather than burdening the teen with this responsibility.”
For many parents, getting along with their teen and avoiding arguments are paramount. They may feel their kids are home for such a short time (leaving for college soon or just visiting over winter break), they want that time to be perfect. Bredehoft explains, “On my website I refer to this as ‘best friend parents’ where the emphasis is on being friends rather than parenting the teen.”
Much of the mess in teens’ rooms comes from them having too many material possessions. Bredehoft says, “With so many things, teens tend not to value these items or assume if something is lost or broken, Mom and Dad will just buy a new one.”
A teen’s messy room may be something parents want to overlook to avoid conflict. But if deep down parents are angered and frustrated by clothes all over the floor and/or empty food cartoons strewn across a teen’s room, holding in their feelings may lead to a bigger blowout argument. Parents may feel unappreciated, especially if they wind up going in to clean the room themselves because they can’t take the mess.
Bredehoft says, “If a teen is just home from college for a few days and parents are comfortable just closing the door, a messy room isn’t a big problem. However, when teens live at home for an extended period, parents should have some standards and expectations when it comes to keeping a room clean.”
Teens benefit from parents outlining clear house rules. Victoria Taylor, Ph.D. and Director of Child and Adolescent Services at The American Institute for Cognitive Therapy, explains, “Maintaining a sort of structure or set of polite behaviors in the family actually helps emerging adults in the outside world.” While a parent may choose to “let it go,” a roommate, spouse or host is not going to be as understanding about an adult who is unable or unwilling to pick up his things or contribute to the house.
As for avoiding helping teens avoid stress, letting them leave their room a mess may actually have the opposite effect. When a teen can’t find a homework assignment or a borrowed sweater because their room is messy that causes stress. Teens actually feel less stressed when they have structure. Taylor says, “ Parents fragilizing older children can be harmful. In the long run, there is nothing less stressful for a teenager about having messy room and no set of responsibilities.” Teaching and instilling organizational skills will help young adults live happier, more productive lives when they are in college, at work or have a family of their own.
The best way to get teens to keep their rooms clean and also contribute with household chores is to set up these expectations when they are young. Routine helps children to learn a skill and eventually it becomes an automatic behavior.
If a parent has not set up house/room rules regarding cleanliness, it may be a bit more challenging. Bredehoft encourages parents to be honest. He says, “Calmly saying, ‘I feel frustrated when your room is in total disarray’ is a good starting point.
Teens and young adults may be resistant and see no real reason why “their” room needs to be clean. Avoid yelling or belittling a teen over a messy room. Instead, enlist the teen as a partner in the process rather than an adversary. Taylor suggests parents validate their teen’s feelings but not be distracted from addressing the issue. Taylor says, “If necessary, negotiate by saying ‘Is there something I can do to help?’ or ‘Could you just start with the clothes today?’
While a messy room is annoying, ultimately parents need to decide if this is something they want to address with their teen. Bredehoft says, “Parents should not be afraid to talk with their teens honestly about their expectations when they are living in the family home.”
Randi Mazzella has been a freelance writer for over ten years. Her work has appeared in many online and print publications including Teen Life, Your Teen, NJ Family and Barista Kids. She draws much of her inspiration from her crazy and fun life adventures with her own three children.
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Mary Dell Harrington and Lisa (Endlich) Heffernan are the co-founders of Grown and Flown the #1 site for parents of teens, college students and young adults, reaching millions of parents every month. They are writers (Lisa is a New York Times bestselling author), moms, wives and friends. They started the Grown and Flown Parents Facebook Group and are co-authors of Grown and Flown: How to Support Your Teen, Stay Close as a Family, and Raise Independent Adults (Flatiron Books) now in paperback.
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FOOTAGE has emerged of a bondage room where a teacher allegedly handcuffed, raped and impregnated a 13-year-old girl. 
The video shows the alleged scene of a horrific attack in northern Brazil on a school pupil as it emerged her evil tutor threatened to burn her family's home down if she told them about the horrific abuse.
Footage obtained by local media shows a "bondage room" at a home in Mulungu in the state of Ceara, which belonged to the fugitive teacher, who has not named by police.
Handcuffs are on the wall and a LED-illuminated mirror can be seen on the ceiling above the bed, where the crime was alleged to have occurred some time in March.
Local media have revealed that the suspect, who was a teacher at a state school in the nearby municipality of Guaramiranga, went to their house daily to have lunch.
According to the victim’s family, the rapes took place when the suspect was alone with the young girl.
It was only realised the crime had taken place months later, in August, when a relative noticed the teenager was wearing baggier clothes — and made her take a pregnancy test.
After the test came back positive, the victim filed a police report, even though the suspect allegedly threatened to set her family’s house on fire if she told anyone.
The complaint against the teacher was formalised by the police in August.
The teacher then went on the run, yet still continued to give online classes until 28th September. 
He was fired on October 1, the date the school allegedly became aware of the suspected crime.
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