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'Neither of us had been with a woman before.'
The hysteria of nighttime at a wedding - everyone an inflated version of themselves, like bubbles close to popping. Things always happen at weddings. This is what I told myself the next day - this is how I wrote it off when Sarah* and I had sex.
We were acquaintances, really, rather than friends. She was my best friend Steven’s* girlfriend. Steven and I had known each other since university. We’d spent our year abroad together, living out a silly, sepia-tinged Italian fantasy - ' che bello! che dolce!' - and then graduated and moved to London and ended up with a circle of six or seven close friends.
Our whole group had been pleased the first time Steven brought Sarah to meet us; he’d spent years dating women with wild temperaments who’d end up trashing his room or threatening to set his car alight unless he capitulated to whatever demand they had. His relationships, up to Sarah, seemed to me more like protracted acts of masochism. We’d winced behind his back when he said he’d found someone he thought he could have a future with. But then he brought her to meet us and she was perfect: fun but calm, wild without the violence.
I’d spent time with them as a couple but before this wedding Sarah and I had never really talked. So that day we talked. And then we danced. In hindsight I suppose we were flirting in a way that felt completely devoid of meaning or jeopardy because we were both straight. I found her charming and funny - she complimented me on my dress, my hair, my shoes. We laughed a lot and I was pleased for Steven - my best friend, who had been treated so badly by partners in the past. 'I’m really glad you like her,' he said to me that evening, spilling wine over himself. 'I’m really glad you’re happy,' I said back, helping him to mop it up.
It was when Sarah and I went outside to share a cigarette, sitting in a dark corner of the country house garden that she kissed me.
I was surprised, of course, but not so surprised as to jump back or make a comment. I suppose in a way it made sense in the context of the day and our flirtation. I was also drunk. I giggled and hiccupped - a parody of a drunk person, a character in a bad romcom. Nothing felt serious or real, suspended as we were in the amber of that perfect mid-summer’s night.
So, I kissed her back. Then we went and found a secluded part of the grounds and had sex outside, giggling and fumbling - and neither of us entirely sure what to do because neither of us had ever been with a woman before. It’s hard to remember what was going through my mind. I was just excited, even though I’d never done this before, it didn’t seem like a big deal. If this had been the boyfriend of a female best friend it would have been an ultimate betrayal. I would never do that to a female best friend. But with Sarah, in that moment, it didn’t feel like cheating. It didn’t feel like anything I’d felt before or anything I can really put into words now, almost five years later.
Even in the sober light of morning, I didn’t think about it that way. But I did feel uneasy. I could barely look Sarah in the eye when I saw her - I felt this knot of awkwardness and shame. I guess I should have known - the shame was there for a reason.
Later that day she texted me to say she was sorry for kissing me and could we just forget that anything had happened. I reassured her that it was 'all good' and that nothing more would ever be said about it.
And that’s how it remained for a long time: a sore spot of a secret. I couldn’t think about it too closely because, like pressing a bruise, it made me flinch with discomfort. I’d consigned it as much as possible to memory until last year when Steven told me that he planned to propose.
When they were just boyfriend and girlfriend it was bad, but somehow less bad. Now though...I've thought over and over about how hurt he’d be if he ever found out. When they asked me to do a reading at their wedding, Sarah avoided making any eye contact with me the entire conversation. I still haven’t picked anything yet because it feels so disingenuous. I can’t even bring myself to think about it.
With a bit more maturity I can see that there’s really no distinction between cheating with a man or a woman, it’s still a betrayal and I wish I could take my actions back. Now I don’t really speak to Sarah, I guess we were never really friends in the first place, but the fact that we slept together has poured cement into the fissure between us. In a way, that has also made my relationship with Steven more difficult - he sometimes wonders aloud why Sarah and I don’t spend more time together. I think the guilt is something we’re both trying to forget, though I think it’ll be difficult. If you've got a story that you think would work for The Secret Lives of Women, please email secretlives@elleuk.com
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This is a list over lesbian actresses who are openly gay. If you think someone should be on this list, let me know :) I repeat, lesbian actresses who are openly gay, NOT bisexual or in the closet ;) There are enough lists for all those bisexual women who are all over the place...
Actress |
The Silence of the Lambs
Jodie Foster started her career at the age of two. For four years she made commercials and finally gave her debut as an actress in the TV series Mayberry R.F.D. (1968). In 1975 Jodie was offered the role of prostitute Iris Steensma in the movie Taxi Driver (1976). This role, for which she received ...
Amanda Bearse was born on August 9, 1958 in Winter Park, Florida, USA. She is an actress and director, known for Fright Night (1985), Married... with Children (1987) and Nikki (2000). She has been married to Carrie Schenken since 2010. They have two children.
Lily Tomlin was born September 1, 1939 in Detroit, Michigan, to Lillie Mae (Ford) and Guy Tomlin, who moved to Michigan from Paducah, Kentucky, during the Great Depression. Her mother was a nurse's aide and her father was a factory worker. She graduated from Cass Technical High School in 1957, and ...
Jane Marie Lynch is an American actress, comedian and author. She is known for starring as Sue Sylvester in the musical comedy series Glee (2009-2015), which earned her a Primetime Emmy Award. Lynch also gained recognition for her roles in Christopher Guest's mockumentary films, such as Best in ...
Portia de Rossi was born and raised in Geelong, Australia. Originally born Amanda Rogers, at 15 she changed her name to Portia, saying that it was the most daring thing she had ever done up until that point. After graduating from high school, she attended the University of Melbourne, and studied ...
Producer |
Ellen: The Ellen DeGeneres Show
Emmy-winning talk show host Ellen Lee DeGeneres was born in Metairie, Louisiana, a New Orleans suburb. She is the daughter of Betty DeGeneres (née Elizabeth Jane Pfeffer), a speech therapist, and Elliott Everett DeGeneres, Jr., an insurance agent. Her brother is musician and producer Vance DeGeneres ...
Rosie O'Donnell was born into an Irish-American family in Commack, Long Island. She is the middle of 5 children, and is the daughter of Roseann Teresa (Murtha) and Edward Joseph O'Donnell, an electrical engineer for the defense industry. Her mother died when she was ten. She said that she watched ...
While Kirsten is best known as the bespectacled-brainiac-tech-kitten Penelope Garcia on the CBS hit drama Criminal Minds (2005)(and its spin-off Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior (2011)), she has had a long and varied career prior to joining the cast of the hit CBS series. Stage appearances include ...
Guinevere Turner was born on May 23, 1968 in Boston, Massachusetts, USA. She is an actress and writer, known for American Psycho (2000), The Notorious Bettie Page (2005) and Go Fish (1994).
Meredith Baxter is an American actress from California, better known for television roles. Her most famous roles include Catholic teacher Bridget Fitzgerald in the sitcom "Bridget Loves Bernie" (1972-1973), divorced mother Nancy Lawrence in the family-themed drama "Family" (1976-1980), and ...
Cherry Jones was born on November 21, 1956 in Paris, Tennessee, USA. She is an actress, known for The Village (2004), Signs (2002) and The Perfect Storm (2000). She has been married to Sophie Huber since 2015.
Actress |
Welcome to the Dollhouse
Heather Matarazzo was born November 10, 1982, in Oyster Bay, New York. She was adopted by Camille and Ray Matarazzo, an Italian-American couple (she is of Irish descent birth). Heather attended Oyster Bay High School, as well as the Long Island High School for the Arts. In 1997, she made her film ...
Born on July 11, 1971 in Okinawa, Japan, she is an American actress and musician, best known for the role of Alice Pieszecki in The L Word (2004) and for being one half of the electropop duo Uh Huh Her. She was born to American parents in the United States Civil Administration of the Ryukyu Islands...
Growing up in rural Indiana, Jill didn't start acting until the age of 16. By 18, she had won a state speech title and attended Bradley University on a theatre scholarship. Jill first gained notoriety when she starred in the action flick In Her Line of Fire (2006), alongside Mariel Hemingway . Since...
Jessica Clark was born in 1985 in London, England. She is an actress and writer, known for Pocket Listing (2015), True Blood (2008) and Chemistry (2011). She was previously married to Lacey Stone .
Ashleigh Sumner was born on December 22, 1979 in Raleigh, North Carolina, USA. She is known for And Then Came Lola (2009), The Event (2010) and Mother (2006).
Cathy DeBuono was born on March 20, 1970 in Yonkers, New York, USA. She is an actress and producer, known for And Then Came Lola (2009), Along Came Wanda (2021) and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993).
Daniel Sea is an actor, musician and artist. They work in film, theater and TV series. Daniel played the first recurring trans-masculine role in mainstream television, appearing from 2006 - 2009 as Max in Showtime's "The L Word". They acted in John Cameron Mitchell's feature film "Shortbus". They ...
Born in San Jose, California in June 1967, Jenny grew up in Santa Maria, California and attended California State University, Northridge on a basketball scholarship. She later moved to Los Angeles to open a car garage. Soon after, Jenny was approached by a casting director while saddling her ...
Lea DeLaria was born on May 23, 1958 in Belleville, Illinois, USA. She is an actress and writer, known for Orange Is the New Black (2013), Cars 3 (2017) and The Oblongs (2001).
Sara Gilbert was born on January 29, 1975, as Sara Rebecca Abeles at St. John's Hospital and Health Center in Santa Monica, California, to Barbara Cowan and Harold Abeles. Barbara was previously married to the late Paul Gilbert . At the age of six, when Sara saw her sister Melissa Gilbert get a star...
Tammy Lynn Michaels was raised in Lafayette, Indiana, graduating from Lafayette Jefferson High School. She grew up with a keen interest and physical gift in the athletic arena. Later Tammy's interests grew from the sports arena, to include the theatrical arena as well, even performing leads in ...
Performer, actress, singer and author Sandra Bernhard appeared as a series regular in season three of the immensely popular FX Television/Ryan Murphy show "POSE" reprising her role as brassy but caring Nurse Judy Kubrack, who works with H.I.V. / AIDS patients, following a memorable season one guest...
A veteran of stage and screen, award-winning actress Miriam Margolyes has achieved success on both sides of the Atlantic. Winner of the BAFTA Best Supporting Actress award in 1993 for The Age of Innocence (1993), she received Best Supporting Actress at the 1989 LA Critics Circle Awards for her role...
Actor Kristy McNichol is best known for her role as "Buddy" in the Spelling/Goldberg hit TV series Family (1976), where she won 2 Emmy awards and was nominated for a Golden Globe. McNichol began her career with guest appearances on such popular TV series as Starsky and Hutch, The Bionic Woman, Love...
Kelly Ann McGillis was born in Newport Beach, California, to Virginia Joan (Snell), a homemaker, and Donald Manson McGillis, a general practitioner of medicine. She has English, Welsh, Scots-Irish, and German ancestry. McGillis dropped out of high school to pursue a career as an actress, and ...
Jasika Nicole grew up in Birmingham, AL and studied musical theatre, dance and studio art at Catawba College in Salisbury, NC before moving to NYC to work in theatre. There she performed in Off and Off-Off Broadway musicals and plays before starting her career in TV and film. Identifying as a queer...
Actress |
The Sex Lives of College Girls
Jillian Armenante was born on July 5, 1968 in Paterson, New Jersey, USA. She is an actress and producer, known for The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021), Vice (2018) and The Dark Knight Rises (2012). She has been married to Alice Dodd since June 24, 2000. They have two children.
Attended college in Melbourne, Australia. With friends from college, launched an early-80s comedy show on Australian TV called The D Generation (1986). In late 80s/early 90s, appeared in comedy show on Australian TV called Fast Forward (1989).
Leanna Creel began her television career acting in series such as Parent Trap III (1989) and Perry Mason: The Case of the Fatal Fashion (1991), her most popular role being that of "Tori Scott" in Saved by the Bell (1989). She graduated from UCLA in 1993 with a BA (Honors) in History and, in 1996, ...
Actress |
The Year of Living Dangerously
Linda Hunt is a veteran character actress who only just began acting in motion pictures when director Peter Weir required her peculiarities to animate one of cinema's most esoteric characters, Billy Kwan, the intellectual and virtuous Chinese-Australian dwarf and photographer, in the Australian ...
Michelle is a proud Chicana born and raised in Hollywood, California. While no one in her family was "in the business", it certainly helped that she grew up next door to an original munchkin from The Wizard of Oz (1939). It was here where she learned about the magic of filmmaking, television, and ...
Bridget McManus is known for Wanted (2008), Maybelle (2015) and 9 (2009).
Thunderbird Dinwiddie was born on December 22, 1973 in Anchorage, Alaska, USA. She is known for The Aerialist (2020), Supernatural (2005) and The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland (1999).
Geri Jewell was born on September 13, 1956 in Buffalo, New York, USA. She is an actress and writer, known for Deadwood (2004), 21 Jump Street (1987) and The Facts of Life (1979). She was previously married to Richard Pimentel.
Michelle Wolff was born on May 16, 1969 in Sacramento, California, USA. She is an actress, known for Evolution (2001), Dante's Cove (2004) and Chicago Hope (1994).
Ann-Marie MacDonald was born on October 29, 1958 in Baden-Baden, West Germany. She is an actress and writer, known for Where the Spirit Lives (1989), Better Than Chocolate (1999) and I've Heard the Mermaids Singing (1987). She has been married to Alisa Palmer since 2003.
Heather Peace was born on June 16, 1975 in Bradford, West Yorkshire, England. She is an actress, known for London's Burning (1988), Lip Service (2010) and Never Let Go (2015). She has been married to Eleanor Dickinson since December 13, 2014. They have three children.
Joanna Johnson was born on December 31, 1961 in Phoenix, Arizona, USA. She is an actress and producer, known for Hope & Faith (2003). She has been married to Michelle Agnew since 2008. They have two children.
Actress |
Dracula: Dead and Loving It
Megan Cavanagh is a Chicago native, most recognized as Marla Hooch, from the Penny Marshall movie A League of Their Own. Other film credits include: Mel Brooks' Robin Hood: Men in Tights and Dracula: Dead and Loving It. She starred with Tim Allen and Kirstie Ally in For Richer or Poorer (Levinia ...
Michelle Ehlen is an independent filmmaker and actor, best known for creating the first lesbian comedy trilogy - Butch Jamie, Heterosexual Jill, and S&M Sally. Identifying with both the queer and DIY filmmaking movements, much of her work satirizes gender, sexuality, stereotypes, and identity. Her ...
Maile Flanagan won an Emmy for Outstanding Performer in an Animated Program for Jakers! The Adventures of Piggley Winks (2003) in 2006. She was born in Honolulu, Hawaii. She lived in Bangkok, Nurnberg and Munich, and then attended Boston College. After Boston College, she was in the improv comedy ...
Ulrike Folkerts was born on May 14, 1961 in Kassel, Hesse, Germany. She is an actress, known for Tatort
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