Teen First Time Masturbation

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The weirdest thing about childhood masturbation is that even though it’s ubiquitous it’s considered weird. But experts agree that normal, healthy young children will masturbate, much like adults. The biggest difference between children masturbating and everyone else is that kids don’t know what they’re doing is sexual yet. They just know that it feels good. The weirdness happens when it’s placed in an adult context of sexuality. 
“As children, we learn that to touch certain areas brings us pleasure and is also self-soothing,” says Nadine Pierre-Louis, a marriage and family therapist. “Masturbation in itself is mostly upside. The resulting release of hormones and neurotransmitters can reduce stress, increase relaxation, encourage restful sleep, improve mood, and reduce sexual tension.”
In other words, masturbation at a certain age is essentially children discovering how their bodies work. In order for moms and dads to know when they should be concerned, Pierre-Louis and other experts have weeded out what parents should not worry about. 
Clinically speaking, there is really no age that’s too young for children to start exploring their bodies. Masturbating at a young age is surprisingly common. Scientists have even observed fetuses doing it in utero, and babies and toddlers are known for masturbating as well, but it catches most new parents off guard. 
“Research shows that children as young as newborn infants masturbate by rubbing their crotches rhythmically against the bottom of their crib mattresses,” psychotherapist Fran Walfish explains. Moms and dads should not ignore this completely but respond in a calm way that sets some healthy limits for masturbation. “It is up to parents to gently give their young children a clear message that it’s fine to feel good by touching yourself only when you are alone and in your bed, setting defined boundaries that specify solo involvement and a specific place only for self-pleasuring.”
It can be jarring for parents to see children use their toys, pillows, and even the couch to masturbate before they realize what they’re doing is sexual. But rest assured it’s normal. The reason kids tend to do this is that these objects are familiar and come with a sense of safety. That instinct is a healthy one. Like with masturbating in general, the best way for parents to respond to this is by reassuring that it is OK to use their toys to make themselves feel good in that way, but only by themselves. 
“You can say, ‘moving your stuffed animal like that is for private. I know it feels good, and you can do it, but it is private so you only do it in your room, and not when anyone else is watching.’ Say this in a normal conversational tone,” clinical psychologist Samantha Rodman suggests on her website. 
Although experts overwhelmingly agree that it’s up to parents to teach children appropriate boundaries about not masturbating around any peers or adults, many kids will welcome privacy anyways. In fact, when parents catch their children masturbating for the first time, it is often in scenarios where they thought no one was around. But when kids are masturbating in front of their peers, siblings, or adults, especially after this boundary is set, it can be a warning sign of compulsive behavior and sexual abuse. So it’s crucial that parents gently ask follow-up questions and consult with their pediatricians and other professionals if that is the case. The goal is to make sure that no one is hurting their child and to foster healthy expressions of sexuality.  
“Masturbation is a normal behavior but it can become problematic when the behavior is no longer private,” psychologist Sabina Mauro says. “This may suggest they have a history of sexual abuse or were exposed to inappropriate sexual behavior. It may also suggest that there may be intrusive thoughts related to their masturbation and need to masturbate. These behaviors can be addressed, identified, and corrected.” 
For adults, the answer to how much masturbation is too much is any amount that gets in the way of their daily lives. Since young children do not have jobs or responsibilities, this is more challenging to quantify, but not impossible. If masturbation habits are getting in the way of eating or sleeping habits, that might be something to worry about. Beyond that, when healthy boundaries about masturbation are effectively set and children are only doing it privately, then parents just have to make sure children enjoy enough time outside of their bedroom. 
“Not so much the quantity as much as the context of masturbation. In other words, do they seem to prefer to be alone to social interactions with their friends? Are they becoming increasingly isolated?” Pierre-Louis says. 
If parents suspect their child is masturbating too much, they can try encouraging more social activities that kids enjoy to naturally curb masturbation without shaming them. Ideally, this will get them out of their rooms without making them feel bad about the masturbating they’ve already done. 
Masturbation should be a fun solo activity, but it’s far from a coping skill and children should not use it in that way. But some children may use masturbation this way, especially under stressful or traumatic circumstances. It’s worth noting that trauma does not have to be of a sexual nature when it comes to children developing unhealthy masturbation habits, though that is understandably a concern. Sometimes trauma can come in the form of a change, such as a divorce, a loss of a family member, or even moving to a new town. In these instances, if children seem to be masturbating when they feel upset, stressed, or anxious, it could be a sign that they’re using it in an unhealthy way, which could lead to more compulsive sexual behaviors later in life. 
“Masturbation compulsion signs include when you must masturbate urgently and impulsively when you feel anxious, upset, frightened, or nervous,” Walfish warns. But when children masturbate when they’re otherwise happy, it is likely nothing to worry about. 
Every kid is different and as much as it is normal for babies to masturbate, it’s just as normal for some children to not masturbate at all. While not masturbating enough is not a concern for parents, it underscores the important point that people are born with varying sex drives and there is no one-size-fits-all prescription for how big or small that should be. Whether children masturbate or not, what is important is that parents are prepared to communicate openly about it if they do, so children can have healthy sex lives as adults, without growing up too fast. 
When masturbation does happen, it is simply one of many weird things children do as a sign of healthy development. Once parents have endured all of the other strange surprises like their baby’s primitive bat reflexes and night terrors, it’s hard to be phased. 
Childhood masturbation is normal, but bottling up parental anxieties about it is not. Even if your kid’s masturbation habits check all the healthy boxes, being concerned about their sexual development does not make you a bad or overbearing parent. In these cases, it’s important to get some outside perspective, ideally a clinical one. By talking to their pediatrician privately about your concerns, rather than reacting to them in front of your child, parents can better determine if their concerns are valid and how to address them, without doing any additional damage. 
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It doesn't get more awkward than this: you open your teenager's bedroom door and -- yikes! -- you catch him in the middle of a very private, pleasurable activity. Of course, sooner or later pretty much all teens and tweens will experiment with masturbation, but perhaps you were hoping it would occur below your radar on a don't ask, don't tell basis. But now that this topic has reared its head, so to speak, you are mortified, and tongue-tied, and stumped on what's the best way to react.
For starters, know that uncomfortable though this moment may be, this behavior is as normal as it gets for teens and tweens, boys and girls. Some just luck out better at hiding it than others.
"It is reported that 90 percent of boys and 60 percent of girls under 18 masturbate," says Darby Fox, a child and adolescent family therapist. And while you are bound to feel uncomfortable knowing that your child is, er, growing up in that way, you need to man up and handle this with aplomb -- or else you risk emotionally scarring your child for life.
"The worst thing a parent can do is to freak out and act as if the child has done something wrong," says Robert Weiss, a therapist and the Author of the book Always Turned On. If your teen was watching porn, same goes for anything you spotted on screen, no matter how disturbing it looks at first glance. "This type of overreaction creates emotional trauma that can have lasting effects and may influence the child’s sexual beliefs and behaviors -- and ability to emotionally attach in healthy ways -- for the remainder of his or her life," warns Weiss.
Ideally, parents should try to have the masturbation conversation before adolescence sets in. "That way, an 'oops' moment isn’t the first time this conversation takes place," says Weiss. But if you're instead confronted with this issue, well, there's no time like the present!
So here's what to do: if you walk in your child, simply apologize for the intrusion and back away. But from there, you shouldn't just act as if nothing has happened, since this may only heighten your child's fears that he's done something awful. So once the teen has emerged from his room, again apologize for the intrusion, then lay out the welcome mat for further discussion.
Worried you'll trip over your words? Try something like this: "I’m sorry that I walked in on you while you were doing something private. I want you to know that even though we are both feeling a little bit embarrassed right now, I am not judging you in any way. Masturbation is a normal and healthy way to experiment with your sexuality. I am glad that you are growing up and becoming interested in adult things. I also want you to know that I’m perfectly willing to answer any questions you might have about masturbation or sex at any point, no matter how uncomfortable you might feel asking them or I might feel hearing them."
From there, the ball's in your kid's court -- don't pursue the conversation unless he initiates on his own. "This subject does not need a lot of conversation unless your teen asks," says Fox. "They will most likely look to other sources or peers if they want to discuss anything. Don't make the mistake of becoming involved in something that doesn’t need your guidance. Allow your teens to experience this natural individuation in their own way. It sends them the sign you accept and support their growing independence."
Parents may also want to consider adding locks to teens' bedroom/bathroom doors if they’re not there already, and agree to knock before entering the teen’s space as a way to ensure their desire for privacy.
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"Ultimately, the goal here is to normalize the teen’s behavior," says Weiss. Show your teen or tween you're cool with it without heading into TMI territory, and you've successfully navigated this tricky topic with your (and your child's) dignity more or less intact.
How do you feel about your teen masturbating?
The ones who make our hearts explode the first time we see them holding our babies.
The ones who put the baby in the car to drive around the block because colic is real and you just want to shower in peace.
The ones who don’t "babysit" -- they parent.
The ones who hold us up when we’re feeling weak.
The ones who come home after a long day of work, ready to pitch in -- or who stay at home with the kids so that we can bring home a paycheck. 
The ones who cook breakfast on the weekends and make blanket forts like a boss.
The ones who wrestle on the living room floor, even with a bad back, because they know how much the kids love it -- and how it wears them out before bed.
The ones who rock a diaper bag and a minivan, and still look hot.
The ones who are strong enough to carry our overgrown kids around -- even when they’re old enough to walk -- but vulnerable enough to get teary when they think about walking their daughter down the aisle. 
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The ones who remind us that we were people before we were mothers, and the ones who remind us that we’re so much more than just a caretaker.
The ones who support our purpose and our passions.
The ones who work hard, play hard, and love harder. Who make life fun and support us always.
We never thought we could be more in love with you until the day you became a father.
The post originally appeared on Momstrosity and was republished with permission.
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If only there were some kind of magic ball that could tell us exactly how and when we would go into labor. For planners like me who are used to knowing the map of things at the start of every day, the five weeks of pregnancy that are considered "term" -- 37 to 42 -- can be a maddening exercise in suspense, boredom, and fear.
The reality is, just like every human is different from every other one, every labor is different as well. Even women who have had four, five, or six children will readily say that no two of their labors started in the same way. Some had signs for weeks. Some didn't even know anything was happening until they were in the hospital.
So, for me, a pregnant woman in my 39th week, it's good to know that I need to trust my OWN instinct. There is no pattern. We asked around and found 10 different ways women knew they were in labor.
1.) "Had 'bloody show' for two weeks prior to my water breaking and even lost my mucus plug and NADA! It wasn't until my midwife stripped the membranes at 41 weeks that I finally went into labor."
2.) "I'd had bad diarrhea and an irritable stomach for a couple hours, but nothing else. No other symptoms but they sent me to Labor & Delivery. I was five centimeters dilated! My daughter came two hours later."
3.) "My water broke two weeks before my due date. Sitting on the couch with my husband just chatting when I heard a POP! I ran to the bathroom and everything was covered in water. My daughter came 11 hours later."
4.) "This is gross, but I knew when I had a very rare bout of very loose bowels, like my body was trying to evacuate EVERYTHING before starting labor because, OMG, cannot move a baby out and digest food at the same time."
5.) "Water gushing out in bed at 3:00 a.m. Pretty easy to tell I was in labor!"
6.) "My water broke, and while waiting for labor to start, I went on Facebook and asked every woman I knew whose water broke first what was going to happen next."
7.) "I was at the end of my rope with my pregnancy and had tried everything -- sex, eggplant, walking, pineapple, wine. NOTHING was working. After my third time going into Labor & Delivery, I begged them to strip my membranes. They did. Later that day, my mucus plug expelled. The next day, I got one super intense contraction that made it clear the time was NOW. He was out two hours later."
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8.) "I labored for two days slow and steady, breathed beautifully through contractions, went hiking and walking. My doula and midwife came to check one afternoon and said it'd be the next day but not before then as I was only one centimeter dilated. My husband went to bed, and about an hour later, I woke him up running around the house like a crazy person. I was in and out of the shower, exercise ball, yoga poses on bed, etc. He kept calling the doula who said things like help her breathe through it, this is too early still. Finally I got on the phone with her and said, 'If you don't get the f*ck over here right now, I'm going to the hospital and asking for every drug possible!' She arrived a few minutes later. My water broke on the way to car and I was at 10 when I got to the birthing room."
9.) "I was only 36 weeks so I had no clue what to expect (with my first). I was getting what felt like period cramps and they were coming more and more frequently. I called my midwife and she came over. I swear she came more as a courtesy to a first-time mom than anything else. Well, she was super surprised to find I was eight centimeters. My son was out less than an hour later."
10.) "I was 37 weeks, so not even expecting the baby any time soon. I met a friend for dinner and she kept commenting about how different I looked. 'Your face,' she kept saying. 'It's so different.' I thought nothing of it, but a couple hours later, my water broke. I always wonder if she saw it in my face."
How did you know you were in labor?
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