Teen Dating Sex

Teen Dating Sex
Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD on September 30, 2009
Sorry, parents. Going steady is a thing of the past. Here's our guide to what teens are doing -- and how you should talk to them about it.
Jessica Stephens (not her real name), a San Francisco mother of four, has heard the term "hooking up" among her teenage sons' friends, but she's just not sure what it means. "Does it mean they're having sex ? Does it mean they're having oral sex?"
Teens use the expression hooking up (or "messing around" or "friends with benefits") to describe everything from kissing to having oral sex or intercourse. But it does not mean they are dating.
Hooking up isn't a new phenomenon -- it's been around for at least 50 years. "It used to mean getting together at a party and would include some form of petting and sexual activity," says Lynn Ponton, MD, professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of The Sex Lives of Teenagers: Revealing the Secret World of Adolescent Boys and Girls .
Today, hooking up instead of dating has become the norm. About two-thirds of teens say at least some of their friends have hooked up. Nearly 40% say they've had sexual intercourse during a hook-up.
There's also been a rise in heavy petting and oral sex among younger kids -- starting as early as age 12.
Experts say today's busier, less attentive parents and the constant displays of casual sex on TV and in the movies have contributed to the change in teen sexual behavior. "I think young people are getting the message earlier and earlier that this is what everyone is doing," says Stephen Wallace, chairman and CEO of Students Against Destructive Decisions.
Teens also have access to the Internet and text messaging, which impersonalizes relationships and emboldens them to do things they wouldn't dare do in person. "One ninth-grade girl I worked with texted a senior at her school to meet her in a classroom at 7 a.m. to show him that his current girlfriend wasn't as good as she was," says Katie Koestner, founder and education director of Campus Outreach Services. She intended to "show him" with oral sex.
So what can you do to prevent your kids from hooking up? You should start the conversation about sex before they hit the preteen and teen years, when they learn about it from TV or their friends, Wallace says. Clearly, this isn't your parents' "birds and bees" sex talk . You need to recognize that your teens are going to have a sex life and to be totally open and honest about your expectations of them when it comes to sex. That means being clear about what behaviors you are -- and aren't -- OK with them doing online, while text messaging, and during a hook-up. If you're embarrassed, it's OK to admit it. But it's a conversation you need to have.
Other ways to keep the channels of communication open include:
Know what your kids are doing -- who they're emailing, instant messaging, and hanging out with.
Analyze sex in the media: When you watch TV or movies together, use any sexual messages you see as a jumping-off point to start a conversation about sex.
Be curious: When your kids get home from a night out, ask questions: "How was the party? What did you do?" If you're not getting straight answers, then talk with them about trust, their actions, and the consequences.
Avoid accusing your teens of wrongdoing. Instead of asking, "Are you hooking up?" say, "I'm concerned that you might be sexually active without being in a relationship."
SOURCES:
The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation: "Sex Smarts."
Lynn Ponton, MD, professor of psychiatry, University of California, San
Francisco.
Stephen Wallace, chairman and CEO, Students Against Destructive
Decisions.
Guttmacher Institute: "Facts on American Teens’ Sexual and Reproductive
Health."
Katie Koestner, director of Educational Programs, Campus Outreach
Services.
University of Florida: "'Hooking Up'" and Hanging Out: Casual Sexual
Behavior Among Adolescents and Young Adults Today."
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WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.

About Us Funded Programs and Initiatives
The Cardiff Violence Prevention Model
Funded Programs and Initiatives The Cardiff Violence Prevention Model
About Us Funded Programs and Initiatives The Cardiff Violence Prevention Model
Child Abuse & Neglect Essentials for Childhood
Child Abuse & Neglect Violence Against Children Surveys
Intimate Partner Violence Dating Matters®
Intimate Partner Violence DELTA Impact
Preventing Teen Dating Violence and Youth Violence Program
Intimate Partner Violence Preventing Teen Dating Violence and Youth Violence Program
Rape Prevention and Education (RPE)
Sexual Violence Rape Prevention and Education (RPE)
Youth Violence Prevention Strategies
National Centers of Excellence in Youth Violence Prevention (YVPCs)
Youth Violence National Centers of Excellence in Youth Violence Prevention (YVPCs)
The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS)
Data Sources The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS)
National Violent Death Reporting System (NVDRS)
Data Sources National Violent Death Reporting System (NVDRS)
How can we prevent teen dating violence?

Breiding MJ, Basile KC, Smith SG, Black MC, Mahendra RR. (2015). Intimate partner violence surveillance: uniform definitions and recommended data elements, version 2.0. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention
Basile KC, Clayton HB, DeGue S, Gilford JW, Vagi KJ, Suarez NA, … & Lowry R. (2020). Interpersonal Violence Victimization Among High School Students—Youth Risk Behavior Survey, United States, 2019. MMWR supplements , 69(1), 28.
Walls NE, Atterberry-Ash B, Kattari SK, Peitzmeier S. et al. (2019). Gender Identity, Sexual Orientation, Mental Health, and Bullying as Predictors of Partner Violence in a Representative Sample of Youth. Journal of Adolescent Health; 64(1): 86–92, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jadohealth.2018.08.011 external icon .
Dank M, Lachman P, Zweig JM, and Yahner, J. (2014). Dating Violence Experiences of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth. Journal of Youth and Adolescence; 43(5): 846–857, https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-013-9975-8.
Foshee VA, McNaughton Reyes HL, Gottfredson NC, Chang LY, Ennett ST. (2013). A longitudinal examination of psychological, behavioral, academic, and relationship consequences of dating abuse victimization among a primarily rural sample of adolescents. Journal of Adolescent Health; 53(6):723-729.
Roberts TA, Klein JD, Fisher S. (2003). Longitudinal effect of intimate partner abuse on high-risk behavior among adolescents. Archives of Pediatric Adolescent Medicine; 157(9):875-881.
Exner-Cortens D, Eckenrode J, Rothman E. (2003). Longitudinal associations between teen dating violence victimization and adverse health outcomes. Pediatrics; 131(1):71-78.
Smith PH, White JW, Holland LJ. (2003). A longitudinal perspective on dating violence among adolescent and college-age women. American Journal of Public Health; 93(7):1104–1109.
Niolon PH, Kearns M, Dills J, Rambo K, Irving S, Armstead T, Gilbert L. (2017). Preventing Intimate Partner Violence Across the Lifespan: A Technical Package of Programs, Policies and Practices. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

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Teen dating violence (TDV), also called, “dating violence”, is an adverse childhood experience that affects millions of young people in the United States. Dating violence can take place in person, online, or through technology. It is a type of intimate partner violence that can include the following types of behavior:
Teen dating violence profoundly impacts lifelong health, opportunity, and wellbeing. Unhealthy relationships can start early and last a lifetime. The good news is violence is preventable, and we can all help young people grow up violence-free.
Teens often think some behaviors, like teasing and name-calling, are a “normal” part of a relationship. However, these behaviors can become abusive and develop into serious forms of violence. Many teens do not report unhealthy behaviors because they are afraid to tell family and friends.
Teen dating violence is common . Data from CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey in 2019 indicate that among U.S. high school students who reported dating during the 12 months before the survey:
Some teens are at greater risk than others. Female students experienced higher rates of physical and sexual dating violence than male students. Students who identified as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer (LGBTQ) or those who were unsure of their gender identity experienced higher rates of physical and sexual dating violence compared to students who identified as heterosexual.
Unhealthy, abusive, or violent relationships can have short-and long-term negative effects, including severe consequences, on a developing teen. Youth who are victims of teen dating violence are more likely to:
Violence in an adolescent relationship sets the stage for future relationship problems, including intimate partner violence and sexual violence perpetration and/or victimization throughout life. For example, youth who are victims of dating violence in high school are at higher risk for victimization during college.
Supporting healthy, nonviolent relationships could reduce TDV and prevent its harmful, long-lasting effects on individuals, their families, and their communities. During the pre-teen and teen years, it is critical for youth to begin learning skills to create and maintain healthy relationships, including managing feelings and communicating in a healthy way. Research also highlights the need for prevention efforts that address the unique needs of teens who are at greater risk of experiencing teen dating violence.
CDC has developed resources to help communities focus their prevention efforts on what works to address risk and protective factors for violence. CDC’s Dating Matters ® : Strategies to Promote Healthy Teen Relationships focuses on 11-14-year-olds and includes multiple prevention components to promote healthy relationships and reduce behaviors that increase the risk of dating violence. Please visit the Dating Matters website to learn more.
CDC also developed Preventing Intimate Partner Violence Across the Lifespan: A Technical Package of Programs, Policies, and Practices pdf icon [4.52 MB, 64 Pages, 508] that describes strategies and approaches based on the best available evidence for preventing intimate partner violence, including teen dating violence. The resource includes multiple strategies that can be used in combination to prevent intimate partner violence and teen dating violence.
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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.

Ah, love. The stuff that makes the world go ’round, leaves us swooning, and creates that feeling of walking on air with butterflies in our bellies, barely able to catch our breath. Also the stuff that makes us want to pull our hair out, scream at the top of our lungs, and declare all-out emotional warfare. Love, despite its ups, downs, and unpredictability, is something we’re all after. Young, old, male, female, gay, straight…when we are asked about our greatest hope or goal in life, our response usually centers around obtaining a stable and loving relationship with a romantic partner. In fact, love is such an important construct that researchers have studied it for years, investigating the different types, taxonomies, and styles, as well as how to keep it once you’ve finally found that elusive and magical potion. But what I want to explore in this chapter is that transformation from the loving bonds we share with our parents and family to the passionate union we seek in a romantic partner, and which we seemingly need for survival as individuals and as a species.
What is love, anyway? The word is tossed around, overused, misused, quoted, and commercialized so much that it’s difficult to determine what it really means. Certainly, the context in which we consider this emotion matters: I love to read; I love Chinese food; I love my mother. To be clear, I am interested in how we develop and pursue the takes-my-breath-away, euphoric, romantic love that is so sought after. My two daughters and I were watching a movie the other night called Wedding Crashers (we’re all suckers for rom-coms), and we heard Owen Wilson say, “True love is the soul’s recognition of its counterpoint in another” . . . sigh. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary lists various definitions: “a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person”; “ attraction that includes sexual desire”; and “the strong affection felt by people who have a romantic relationship.” But do any of these descriptions really answer our question?
As children, we experience love in the form of unconditional care and affection from our parents. That is indeed love, but does that concept somehow shift as we get older? When we become teens, is one form replaced by another, or is it the same construct on some blissfully complicated continuum? Some researchers have argued that the “targets” of our intimacy change over time, so that intimacy with peers replaces intimacy with parents, and intimacy with peers of the opposite sex replaces intimacy with same-sex friends. There are two problems with this line of reasoning: first, the terms intimacy and love, despite much overlap, are not the same thing and should not be used interchangeably. Romantic love is basically intimacy with the added bonus of sexual attraction and passionate commitment—the beautiful sexual icing on the delicious intimacy cake, if you will. Second, most researchers contend that, instead of anyone being replaced or made unimportant, as we get older and expand our social network, new targets of intimacy and affection are added to old ones. I propose that the same thing happens with love. Not only does our concept and understanding of love shift from that which we feel for our parents, siblings, dogs, and so on to a richer and deeper feeling for another person outside our familial circle, but it also cumulatively adds to the concept of love that we began with. This is why so many people exclaim, “I never knew love could be so . . . amazing, deep, fulfilling, complicated, exhausting...” You get the picture.
Before we continue with how romantic love develops in adolescence , let’s consider dating. I realize that many parents labor over if and when to allow their teen to begin dating. I clearly recall, when I began to show interest in dating boys, my father saying something about putting me into a convent until I was thirty! But again, because I truly believe that knowledge is power, I would like to offer some historical perspective, so as to alleviate any angst over your little girl or little boy going out with some kid you don’t know or trust. In past generations, dating in high school or college, for at least some, served a very specific function: mate selection. That was certainly the case for many in previous cohorts of college women seeking what was so optimistically termed an “MRS. degree.” Offended? Don’t shoot the messenger: I’m simply relaying historical factoids. Because marriage today, if it occurs at all, is happening much later in life (the average age is around twenty-seven for women and twenty-nine for men) dating for high school students has now taken on an entirely new meaning.
In today’s world, dating in adolescence no longer holds the sole purpose of mate selection; rather, it has become an introduction to the world of intimacy, relationship roles, sexual experimentation, and, yes, romantic love. It’s almost like practice for the real thing that is yet to come. And despite the fact that high school dating for today’s teenagers has little to do with long-term commitments and/or marriage, modern-day romantic relationships among teens are very common, with approximately one-fourth of twelve-year olds, one-half of fifteen-year olds, and more
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