Teen Dating Sex

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Sorry, parents. Going steady is a thing of the past. Here's our guide to what teens are doing -- and how you should talk to them about it.
Jessica Stephens (not her real name), a San Francisco mother of four, has heard the term "hooking up" among her teenage sons' friends, but she's just not sure what it means. "Does it mean they're having sex? Does it mean they're having oral sex?"
Teens use the expression hooking up (or "messing around" or "friends with benefits") to describe everything from kissing to having oral sex or intercourse. But it does not mean they are dating.
Hooking up isn't a new phenomenon -- it's been around for at least 50 years. "It used to mean getting together at a party and would include some form of petting and sexual activity," says Lynn Ponton, MD, professor of psychiatry at the University of California, San Francisco, and author of The Sex Lives of Teenagers: Revealing the Secret World of Adolescent Boys and Girls.
Today, hooking up instead of dating has become the norm. About two-thirds of teens say at least some of their friends have hooked up. Nearly 40% say they've had sexual intercourse during a hook-up.
There's also been a rise in heavy petting and oral sex among younger kids -- starting as early as age 12.
Experts say today's busier, less attentive parents and the constant displays of casual sex on TV and in the movies have contributed to the change in teen sexual behavior. "I think young people are getting the message earlier and earlier that this is what everyone is doing," says Stephen Wallace, chairman and CEO of Students Against Destructive Decisions.
Teens also have access to the Internet and text messaging, which impersonalizes relationships and emboldens them to do things they wouldn't dare do in person. "One ninth-grade girl I worked with texted a senior at her school to meet her in a classroom at 7 a.m. to show him that his current girlfriend wasn't as good as she was," says Katie Koestner, founder and education director of Campus Outreach Services. She intended to "show him" with oral sex.
So what can you do to prevent your kids from hooking up? You should start the conversation about sex before they hit the preteen and teen years, when they learn about it from TV or their friends, Wallace says. Clearly, this isn't your parents' "birds and bees" sex talk. You need to recognize that your teens are going to have a sex life and to be totally open and honest about your expectations of them when it comes to sex. That means being clear about what behaviors you are -- and aren't -- OK with them doing online, while text messaging, and during a hook-up. If you're embarrassed, it's OK to admit it. But it's a conversation you need to have.
Other ways to keep the channels of communication open include:
Know what your kids are doing -- who they're emailing, instant messaging, and hanging out with.
Analyze sex in the media: When you watch TV or movies together, use any sexual messages you see as a jumping-off point to start a conversation about sex.
Be curious: When your kids get home from a night out, ask questions: "How was the party? What did you do?" If you're not getting straight answers, then talk with them about trust, their actions, and the consequences.
Avoid accusing your teens of wrongdoing. Instead of asking, "Are you hooking up?" say, "I'm concerned that you might be sexually active without being in a relationship."
WebMD Magazine - Feature Reviewed by Brunilda Nazario, MD on September 30, 2009
SOURCES:
The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation: "Sex Smarts."
Lynn Ponton, MD, professor of psychiatry, University of California, San Francisco.
Stephen Wallace, chairman and CEO, Students Against Destructive Decisions.
Guttmacher Institute: "Facts on American Teens’ Sexual and Reproductive Health."
 Katie Koestner, director of Educational Programs, Campus Outreach Services.
University of Florida: "'Hooking Up'" and Hanging Out: Casual Sexual Behavior Among Adolescents and Young Adults Today."
© 2005 - 2021 WebMD LLC. All rights reserved.
WebMD does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.

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Teens and Dating: Advice for Having Healthy Relationships
How teenagers and young adults couple is a strong predictor of how they’ll connect later in life, so we want to take teen dating advice seriously. Most of us know that we should be doing a better job of talking to our kids about teen dating, sex, and love. But for most of us, talking about teens and dating is just plain uncomfortable.
Psychologist Dr. Wes Crenshaw and former high school student Kyra Haas offer their best ideas for talking to teenagers about dating (and helping teens find love). Their insights will give you a basis for a more meaningful conversation with your teenager. week we’ll offer . It won’t surprise you to learn that they apply equally to the over-25 crowd, too.
Love requires a good search, trial and error, and a fair measure of heartbreak. In fact, if you’re interested, we have rules for breaking up too.
Never let yourself stay with anyone you have to be with. Relationships require authentic choice, not dependency. We call this “differentiation.” It’s a word you’ll want teens to learn and use, and it begins at home with parents who are able to put aside their own longings to focus on who and what their teen wants to be.
It’s something you do. In fact, next year on Valentine’s Day, I think I’ll give away brain-shaped boxes of candy, rather than hearts. I want to encourage teens to balance all those deep feelings of love with some practical attention to detail. Like, does your partner do okay in school? Does he or she treat others well? Does he or she have integrity?
While couples inevitably alter each other, it’s best to start with as little assembly required as possible.
Of course, nobody is ready for marriage at 16 (or 20), but thinking this way can help your dating practice stay focused. Alternatively, never date anyone you wouldn’t let your son or daughter date when someday you have a son or daughter.
Judge partners not by how they treat people they like, but by how they treat people with whom they have conflict. You’ll undoubtedly be one of them some day.
Never ignore red flags at the beginning while everything is flowers and unicorns running through a field of roses.
As love ages, the raw spots start to show. Give every relationship time before you deem it the love of your life or a complete flop.
The most powerful dating partner is always the one who can say, “No.” Practice it in the mirror. It comes in handy.
Meaning to be together is where it’s at. Monogamy isn’t a natural state of being, so you have to get up every day and decide to be in a teen dating relationship.
Couples aren’t judged by how they do when things are good. They’re judged by how they solve life’s problems.
Young women are especially fond today of claiming they can hook-up without emotional connection. Guys have always found pride in that dubious accomplishment. The problem is that most women are wired to connect, and nowhere is that truer than after sex when all the oxytocin is surging.
Here is my teen dating advice for staying together and knowing when to move apart. Use them in equal parts to find a good relationship.
Yes, your anticipated 150 Instagram likes and 12 comments on a dating selfie are probably spot-on perfect. However, weigh which is more important: this moment with your significant other, or the double-tap approval of that girl you sat next to at lunch once in middle school.
Just because a decent-looking person wants to be more than friends, that doesn’t mean you should throw logic out the window and dive headfirst into what may be a shallow pool of actual substance. It’s better to acknowledge warning signs than to hold desperately to a slowing dying relationship a few months down the road.
Relationships are based on trust, and if you or your partner must maintain constant contact 24/7, that’s a problem. Do things with each other, but don’t ignore or disregard other people.
Blowing off friends for a new significant other will be harmful to all relationships involved. Don’t burn your bridges to follow your dream person, only to break up and have no one to fall back on.
Worried about their relationship? Read more here:
Don’t hold onto a lost cause. Call me naïve, but I truly believe in the cliché that there is someone out there for everyone—and that someone isn’t one who creates more problems than they solve.
Wes Crenshaw, Ph.D., is board certified in couples and family psychology (ABPP). At the time this article was published, Kyra Haas was a senior at Free State High School. She is now a freshman in college. 
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