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Having never been a boy, I had no idea about all the weird shit boys do to get off. Even though I had a big brother, I wasn’t privy to the vast array of strange self-satisfying tools and tricks teenage boys have up their sleeves. That is, until I met my husband and he told me a hilarious story about why he loved climbing the pole at school.
“At first,” he explained, “I just climbed because I liked to see how fast I could get to the top. But one day when I climbed something weird happened. It felt really good. Like, so good I would make sure to climb that pole every morning and every lunch.”
Even as my own sons grew, I didn’t understand just how resourceful boys could be, until I questioned my then-12-year-old about why he had a giant box of condoms in his bedroom.
His hesitation should have been my first clue.
“Well, umm,” he said. “I use them to, uh, you know…”
“To what?” I asked. I had no idea what he was trying to say.
“Oh. Oh, well, OK,” was all I managed to say.
A week later, while out for drinks with my girlfriends, who also had teen boys, I asked if that was normal.
“I don’t know about condoms,” my friend Tammy said, “but I found out my son Charlie was using socks.”
“Socks?” I had never heard of boys sexualizing slippers.
“Yeah, socks. Your boys don’t do that?” Tammy asked. “Well, Charlie does. I swear I won’t even touch his laundry anymore. All it took was one time grabbing a sock that was hard as a rock and I was done. It was nasty!”
Learning about socks, and laughing my ass off watching the Bridesmaids scene where a mom describes cracking her son’s comforter, made me curious about what other means boys employ to get their (pun intended) socks off.
Naturally, I first turned to my husband and sons to learn more. I was in for a surprise with their answers.
Like machine gun fire, my eldest son listed his favorite masturbation props.
“Let’s see, there’s good old wadded-up toilet paper, towels, even shirts. Heck, I’ll use dirty laundry if it’s there. Whatever is within reach, really,” he shared. As he spoke, my younger son nodded his head emphatically.
“Anything else?” I asked. I was all business. Hey, who was I to judge? As a teen, I’d had an amorous moment or two with my favorite bottle of perfume, Love’s Baby Soft, which, if anyone remembers, was totally shaped like a dildo.
“OK, don’t laugh, but one time I put my penis in the vacuum hose,” my youngest said.
“While it was on?” I asked. I’d lost my deadpan expression the moment I picture my son losing his penis in a vacuuming accident.
“Yeah, but it was on low, don’t worry,” he reassured me. “It didn’t feel that good, so I only did it once.”
“Oh, what about paper towel rolls?” my oldest added. “And that time I used the cantaloupe?”
Even my husband was shocked at the cantaloupe revelation. Fruit. Really? I thought that was only a thing women in prison did.
“And the trash can,” my youngest said. Was nothing sacred?
By the end of our conversation, I had the idea that my sons, and probably all teenage boys, used anything and everything at their disposal to masturbate.
With my curiosity quelled, I had to wonder if my quest for knowledge was a worthy endeavor. Honestly, I’ll probably never look at a cantaloupe the same way again, but I am grateful I had this awkward, yet illuminating, discussion with my kids.
They felt confident enough to be real, knowing full well I would write this information and share it with the world. It may seem like too much for some parents, but talks like these let me know that my sons can truly be open with me about any subject, no matter how uncomfortable. Like, penis-in-a-vacuum uncomfortable. Ouch.
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After manually stimulating his penis and scrotum for about fifteen seconds, a man ejaculates, his muscles contracting to produce about ten spurts of semen.



English: After manually stimulating his penis and scrotum for about fifteen seconds, a man ejaculates, his muscles contracting to produce about ten spurts of semen.
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Qafár af Аҧсшәа bahasa ambon Acèh адыгабзэ адыгабзэ تونسي/Tûnsî تونسي Tûnsî Afrikaans Akan Gegë Alemannisch тÿштÿк алтай тил አማርኛ Pangcah aragonés Ænglisc अङ्गिका العربية ܐܪܡܝܐ mapudungun جازايرية الدارجة مصرى অসমীয়া American sign language asturianu Atikamekw авар Kotava अवधी Aymar aru azərbaycanca تۆرکجه башҡортса Bali Boarisch žemaitėška Batak Toba Batak Toba جهلسری بلوچی Bikol Central беларуская беларуская (тарашкевіца)‎ беларуская (тарашкевіца)‎ български روچ کپتین بلوچی भोजपुरी भोजपुरी Bislama Banjar bamanankan বাংলা བོད་ཡིག বিষ্ণুপ্রিয়া মণিপুরী بختیاری brezhoneg Bráhuí bosanski Batak Mandailing Iriga Bicolano ᨅᨔ ᨕᨘᨁᨗ буряад català Chavacano de Zamboanga Mìng-dĕ̤ng-ngṳ̄ нохчийн Cebuano Chamoru Choctaw ᏣᎳᎩ Tsetsêhestâhese کوردی corsu Capiceño Nēhiyawēwin / ᓀᐦᐃᔭᐍᐏᐣ qırımtatarca къырымтатарджа (Кирилл)‎ qırımtatarca (Latin)‎ čeština kaszëbsczi словѣньскъ / ⰔⰎⰑⰂⰡⰐⰠⰔⰍⰟ Чӑвашла Cymraeg dansk Deutsch Österreichisches Deutsch Schweizer Hochdeutsch Deutsch (Sie-Form)‎ Thuɔŋjäŋ Zazaki dolnoserbski Dusun Bundu-liwan डोटेली ދިވެހިބަސް ཇོང་ཁ eʋegbe Emiliàn Ελληνικά emiliàn e rumagnòl English Canadian English British English Esperanto español español de América Latina español (formal)‎ eesti euskara estremeñu فارسی Fulfulde suomi meänkieli Võro Na Vosa Vakaviti kvääni føroyskt français français cadien arpetan Nordfriisk furlan Frysk Gaeilge Gagauz 贛語 赣语（简体）‎ 贛語（繁體）‎ kriyòl gwiyannen Gàidhlig galego گیلکی Avañe'ẽ गोंयची कोंकणी / Gõychi Konknni गोंयची कोंकणी Gõychi Konknni Bahasa Hulontalo 𐌲𐌿𐍄𐌹𐍃𐌺 Ἀρχαία ἑλληνικὴ Alemannisch ગુજરાતી Gaelg Hausa 客家語/Hak-kâ-ngî Hawaiʻi עברית हिन्दी Fiji Hindi Fiji Hindi Ilonggo Hiri Motu hrvatski Hunsrik hornjoserbsce Kreyòl ayisyen magyar magyar (formal)‎ հայերեն Արեւմտահայերէն Otsiherero interlingua Bahasa Indonesia Interlingue Igbo ꆇꉙ Iñupiak ᐃᓄᒃᑎᑐᑦ inuktitut Ilokano ГӀалгӀай Ido íslenska italiano ᐃᓄᒃᑎᑐᑦ/inuktitut 日本語 Patois la .lojban. jysk Jawa ქართული Qaraqalpaqsha Taqbaylit Адыгэбзэ Адыгэбзэ Kabɩyɛ Kabuverdianu Kongo کھوار Gĩkũyũ Kırmancki Kwanyama ဖၠုံလိက် қазақша قازاقشا (تٴوتە)‏ قازاقشا (جۇنگو)‏ қазақша (кирил)‎ қазақша (Қазақстан)‎ qazaqşa (latın)‎ qazaqşa (Türkïya)‎ kalaallisut ភាសាខ្មែរ ಕನ್ನಡ 한국어 조선말 Перем Коми Kanuri къарачай-малкъар Krio Kinaray-a karjal कॉशुर / کٲشُر کٲشُر कॉशुर Ripoarisch kurdî كوردي (عەرەبی)‏ kurdî (latînî)‎ къумукъ коми kernowek Кыргызча Latina Ladino Lëtzebuergesch лакку лезги Lingua Franca Nova Luganda Limburgs Ligure Līvõ kēļ لەکی Ladin lumbaart lingála ລາວ Silozi لۊری شومالی lietuvių latgaļu Mizo ţawng لئری دوٙمینی latviešu 文言 Lazuri मैथिली Basa Banyumasan мокшень Malagasy Ebon олык марий Māori Minangkabau македонски മലയാളം монгол ꯃꯤꯇꯩ ꯂꯣꯟ ဘာသာ မန် молдовеняскэ मराठी кырык мары Bahasa Melayu Malti Mvskoke Mirandés မြန်မာဘာသာ эрзянь مازِرونی Dorerin Naoero Nāhuatl Bân-lâm-gú Napulitano norsk bokmål Plattdüütsch Nedersaksies नेपाली नेपाल भाषा Oshiwambo Niuē Nederlands Nederlands (informeel)‎ norsk nynorsk norsk ᨣᩴᩤᨾᩮᩥᩬᨦ Novial ߒߞߏ Nouormand Sesotho sa Leboa Diné bizaad Chi-Chewa Nyunga occitan Livvinkarjala Oromoo ଓଡ଼ିଆ Ирон لسان توركى ਪੰਜਾਬੀ Pangasinan Kapampangan Papiamentu Picard Deitsch Plautdietsch Pälzisch पालि Norfuk / Pitkern polski Piemontèis پنجابی Ποντιακά Prūsiskan پښتو português português do Brasil Runa Simi Runa shimi Rumagnôl Tarifit rumantsch kaalengo tšimb romani čhib Kirundi română armãneashti tarandíne русский русиньскый armãneashti Vlăheşte Влахесте Vlăheşte Kinyarwanda मारवाड़ी संस्कृतम् саха тыла ᱥᱟᱱᱛᱟᱲᱤ sardu sicilianu Scots سنڌي Sassaresu کوردی خوارگ davvisámegiella Cmique Itom Koyraboro Senni Sängö žemaitėška srpskohrvatski / српскохрватски Tašlḥiyt/ⵜⴰⵛⵍⵃⵉⵜ Tašlḥiyt ⵜⴰⵛⵍⵃⵉⵜ ၽႃႇသႃႇတႆး tacawit සිංහල Simple English Кӣллт са̄мь кӣлл bidumsámegiella ubmejesámiengiälla slovenčina سرائیکی سرائیکی slovenščina Schläsch Gagana Samoa åarjelsaemien julevsámegiella anarâškielâ sääʹmǩiõll chiShona Soomaaliga shqip српски / srpski српски (ћирилица)‎ srpski (latinica)‎ Sranantongo mbia cheë SiSwati Sesotho Seeltersk себертатар Sunda svenska Kiswahili ślůnski Sakizaya தமிழ் Tayal ತುಳು తెలుగు tetun тоҷикӣ тоҷикӣ tojikī ไทย ትግርኛ Türkmençe Tagalog толышә зывон Setswana lea faka-Tonga Tok Pisin Türkçe Ṫuroyo Seediq Xitsonga татарча/tatarça татарча tatarça chiTumbuka Twi reo tahiti тыва дыл ⵜⴰⵎⴰⵣⵉⵖⵜ удмурт ئۇيغۇرچە / Uyghurche ئۇيغۇرچە Uyghurche українська اردو oʻzbekcha/ўзбекча ўзбекча oʻzbekcha Tshivenda vèneto vepsän kel’ Tiếng Việt West-Vlams Mainfränkisch Volapük Vaďďa Võro walon Winaray Wolof 吴语 хальмг isiXhosa მარგალური saisiyat ייִדיש Yorùbá 粵語 Vahcuengh Zeêuws ⵜⴰⵎⴰⵣⵉⵖⵜ ⵜⴰⵏⴰⵡⴰⵢⵜ 中文 文言 中文（中国大陆）‎ 中文（简体）‎ 中文（繁體）‎ 中文（香港）‎ Bân-lâm-gú 中文（澳門）‎ 中文（马来西亚）‎ 中文（新加坡）‎ 中文（台灣）‎ 粵語 isiZulu
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