Teen Chastity
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Teen Chastity
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My life in sex: the man who wears a chastity device
‘The inability to get an erection gave me room to focus on other things.’ Illustration: Lo Cole
My life in sex: the insatiable husband
Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning
© 2022 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. (modern)
‘Rather than feeling sexually repressed, it’s given me a kind of freedom’
I started wearing a male chastity device out of curiosity, after reading about other people’s experiences online. I was single, lived on my own and worked from home, so thought: why not place an order by post?
Although they come in a multitude of sizes, colours and materials, all are designed to prevent the wearer from getting an erection. They generally consist of three pieces: a ring that sits behind the testicles; a cage that fits tightly around the flaccid penis; and a lock to hold the two other components together.
I began wearing the device all day, and found that the inability to get an erection gave me room to focus on other things. Rather than feeling sexually repressed, I felt a kind of freedom. I could concentrate more on work and I felt more in touch with the world in general.
I have since met a loving partner who, to my delight, enjoys the idea of “locking her man up”. Wearing it during sex has made me a more attentive lover.
So far we have a fairly amateur approach; I’m in chastity for a few hours at most, whereas some people remain locked away for weeks or even months. But we recently purchased a more lightweight device that I can wear to go out, without the telltale bulge. This has added an extra layer of excitement to our relationship.
Each week, a reader tells us about their sex life. Want to share yours? Email sex@theguardian.com . All submissions are published anonymously, and subject to our terms and conditions .
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Meet the kink enthusiasts locking up their penises for Locktober: ‘It’s not just a month without w**king’
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Locktober is becoming increasingly popular among those who enjoy chastity. (PinkNews)
For many people, the word “chastity” has negative connotations – many associate it with misogynistic, puritanical ideas about virginity – but in the context of BDSM, it means something very different.
All across the world, people are locking their penises away inside chastity cages because they love the thrill and the sexual sensation that comes with feeling submissive.
Exactly how chastity works varies enormously from person to person . For some, it involves one person – the submissive, or sub – wearing a chastity cage on their penis and handing control over to the dominant partner. Others simply lock their penises away themselves to experience the sexual rush that comes with surrendering control.
Essentially, chastity is one of the many ways people can achieve sexual satisfaction.
For the last few years, October has become a special month of the year for those who are into chastity – and for those who want to dip their toe in the waters of kink. For those in the chastity community, October has become known as “Locktober” – a month-long event which sees subs wearing chastity cages for 31 days in a row.
It’s not necessarily that strict, of course – like all kink, it varies from person to person, and there are no hard and fast rules about what chastity has to look like. Each person – or each couple – is free to explore Locktober in whatever way they please.
Kevin – not his real name – is one of the many people taking part in Locktober this year. He’s always had something of a fascination with kink, but it was when he was around 21 years old that he started experimenting. So far, his experience with chastity has been “massively positive”.
“Chastity wasn’t something I thought I would get into at first,” Kevin tells PinkNews . “I enjoy having my freedom down there far too much even though I appreciated it on an aesthetic level. However – over time – I met a few people into it as well as seeing others enjoy it online and I began to develop a fascination with it.
“Being pushed into that pent-up, frustrated state of mind is incredibly enjoyable. It can make you feel very submissive and that frustrated feeling can really push you to try new ideas and kinks too. I also enjoy the humiliation aspect of it as well – especially around those who aren’t locked up. Most like to tease which can be very emasculating but it all adds to the pleasure and frustration.”
This isn’t the first time Kevin has tried Locktober – he took on the challenge in October 2020 too, but it didn’t go as well as he had hoped. He ended up bowing out early after he learned the hard way that buying a cheap cage isn’t the best plan. It wasn’t particularly good quality and it didn’t fit very well, which left him feeling uncomfortable. He has since invested in a new cage.
“There’s still plenty of straining which can get rough but it’s all part of the fun,” he says. “Sleeping can be a real problem too and it’s fairly normal to wake up a few times before your body adapts and gets used to the new norm.”
Kevin thinks Locktober is becoming “more and more popular” with each passing year – at least in online spaces. He is keen to encourage anyone out there who’s intrigued by the idea of chastity to give it a go.
“It may not be for you but at least you’ll feel like you’ve given it a try and aren’t wondering about it anymore,” he says. “It’s important not to set too high of an expectation for your first delve into kink too. Just because you want to try doesn’t mean you have to go hardcore right away. Just find a friend or someone you can trust to have a bit of chilled exploring with first just to dunk your toes in. After that you can start going a bit harder.
“Overall the kink community is very safe and aware of boundaries. Individuals that don’t respect that are not welcome. Trust and kink go hand in hand.”
Like Kevin, Michael started getting into chastity quite early on – he was around 19 years old when he first tried it out. His experience has been “a lot of fun”, he says. He is currently “self-locked”, meaning he is wearing and controlling his own chastity cage.
“I think sex in general should be fun and exploring different things that are of interest is part of that,” he says. “Kink is such a wide, catch-all term – there’s so much to explore within that, ranging from a simple jockstrap to full on leather bondage.”
Michael found his entry route into chastity organically. He was already into other kinds of kink, such as bondage and sportswear, and was encouraged by men he was having sex with to avoid masturbating for a couple of days before sessions to heighten the experience.
“It just grew out from there. I enjoy the kind of delayed gratification and there’s sort of a building anticipation, and then there’s also something quite nice about focusing your sexual energy on another person. It’s not so much focussed on pleasing yourself, it’s about gaining enjoyment from pleasing someone else.”
Michael isn’t actually taking part in Locktober this year – he prefers to explore chastity at his own pace. He thinks Locktober “can be a good thing and it can be something fun”.
“But ultimately, as in all sexual things, your physical and mental health are the priority and I think Locktober has grown from this fun little challenge that you want to give a go to almost like, ‘If you don’t do it properly, you’re somehow not a valid submissive’. I think that’s terrible and it’s such a horrible expectation. At the end of the day, this is a recreational activity and people need to or want to stop for a variety of reasons – maybe their work is really stressful, for example. There are tons of reasons why people can’t continue with Locktober.”
Locktober wouldn’t even be possible if it weren’t for the professionals out there offering support and advice to those starting out on their chastity journeys. Eli Shaw is one of those who has been helping the people of Twitter to explore chastity this October.
Shaw isn’t taking part in Locktober because he is, as he describes it, “permanently locked”. He has been wearing a chastity cage for more than 500 days continuously, and he has charted his journey on OnlyFans.
“At this point I forget what it feels like to be unlocked,” he says.
Shaw and his boyfriend never intended that he would become permanently locked – but as time went by, he could see few reasons why he would want to take his cage off. He now keeps his chastity device on at all times.
“The only time we ran into some logistical issues is flying but the plastic cage can make it through airport security fine,” he adds.
He thinks Locktober is “a great idea” for those looking to embark on their chastity journey – but he does have some reservations.
“My only issue with it is that a whole month of chastity is too long for most that don’t have any experience in being locked,” he says. However, he says: “If you stick through it your body will adjust.”
Michael is concerned by how much pressure Locktober can put on people who are new to the chastity scene. He wants people to know that it’s OK if you’re not feeling it or want to give up.
People think the dom is in charge, but actually, technically, they’re not, because the sub is.
“This is some arbitrary thing that ultimately puts a lot of pressure for not that much benefit in my opinion, for a lot of people. The thing that people often forget is that it’s not just a month without w**king, it’s also wearing this thing around your body that you’re not used to, and that again takes a lot of energy.
He also thinks it’s important to stress for people new to the BDSM scene that consent is central to any sexual dynamic. Without consent, dom and sub sexual dynamics can’t function in any kind of meaningful way, he says.
“Ultimately, consent is the cornerstone of of dom/sub relationships. Along with consent comes trust and honesty. Consent is the most important thing and a lot of the time people think the dom is in charge, but actually, technically, they’re not, because the sub is – they’re the ones consenting to have things done to them. That’s where things like safe words come in.”
Luckily, those trying out Locktober – or those who are exploring chastity more broadly – have an entire online network they can rely on. There are countless people willing to share their tips and advice on Twitter, and there are online forums where people can connect with doms and subs who can be a part of their chastity journey.
TeamLocked is one of those forums. The website was recently bought by EmlaLock, another online platform dedicated to the art of chastity. TeamLocked allows locked subs and their key holders to share pictures, keep a calendar of their chastity and take on various challenges. It also allows subs to find prospective key holders.
The crew over at ElmaLocked are keen to point out that the sub gets to “define the conditions” of their own chastity.
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“Sure, you can always improve and stay locked longer – or you could be forced to improve – but it’s always the wearer that defines the baseline,” they explain.
“If you’re not used to wearing the cage at night, you could be allowed to remove it if needed or you could be granted to remove it every night. Some people say removing the cage during Locktober is ‘against the rules’. For others, it is simply part of normal personal hygiene. There is no set of predefined rules for Locktober – you create the rules.”
They also urge caution for anyone trying chastity for the first time – not all potential key holders have good intentions. ElmaLock has urged subs to not trust “the first person” who comes forward. Extortion is common , and some people just want your money.
“There are lots of genuine services out there that can help you with your chastity lockup. There are websites like TeamLocked or EmlaLock, mobile apps like ChastiKey, professional keyholders, there are time-based locks or lockboxes like the kSafe,” the ElmaLock team says.
“If you’re up to it, you could ask a friend to watch over your keys for a given amount of time – without telling them what they lock!”
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Should we put our children in chastity belts? That's what one South African manufacturer would prefer, especially when children as young as six are talking about having sex, "in the bush, in the bathroom, under the bed". They say, according to research done in Zambia, that "sex feels nice".
Is such research "disgusting" as some in Kenya have told Rob Pattman of Britain's Open University research team? Or is it a legitimate expression of one of the things parents fear most: the sexuality of their children? He says adults impose a "wished innocence on children" and this carries serious consequences when children are abused or face HIV.
The Sex and Secrecy conference held at the University of the Witwatersrand this week heard papers on issues ranging from bizarre chastity belts for children tuned into vehicle hijack tracker systems, to hate crimes against lesbians, the use of music videos to spur discussion with adolescents about masculine roles to myths about rich men that have sex with poor women and then pay them "coffin money" - because Aids has been passed on.
The Fourth Conference of the International Association for the Study of Sexuality, Culture and Society saw more than 300 delegates from around the world present more than 150 papers over three crammed days. It became clear from a number of papers that when issues around sexuality are repressed, particularly open discussion between parents and children - deviancy, risk-taking behaviour and sexual violence is more likely to emerge and even predominate.
"Protecting children" by refusing to share sexual information, or that about illness, rarely did that and was often code to protect parents. Henry Baringye, a Ugandan paediatrician, argued for the right of children to be told they were HIV-positive.
"There is a conspiracy among people to 'spare them' , but actually they are not sparing the children, they are sparing the adults." He spoke of a mother who told her child that her bad skin was due to smallpox. "The child asked me if she had smallpox, I told her it had been eradicated.
"Then she said, the children at school don't want to sit next to me, they say I have Aids, but my mother says I have smallpox, why does she lie to me?" He says the reasons are most often because the parents don't want their own HIV status to be known, or they fear the child will be stigmatised or physically or psychologically traumatised, but, "it hurts them more to be lied to".
One HIV-positive 15-year-old was put onto anti-retroviral medication without being told why because her parents wanted the truth kept a secret. She lived with her father, and when her mother died of Aids she was not told. She became distressed because letters to her mother went unanswered, her schoolwork deteriorated and she began rejecting her medication.
It was a year before she was told of the death of her mother, but two years later, her father still refuses to allow her to be told of her HIV status, "her drug treatment is failing and there is now a concern that she is involved in risky sexual behaviour".
Violence against women was a major theme. Katarina Jungar and Elina Oinas of the Abo Akademi University in Finland argued that many feminist writers portrayed women in developing nations as "passive victims... the sad women of the South versus the powerful women of the North". Delegates argued that much sexual violence was "not about normative masculinity but about complicity" - among men and women in not acting to
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