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I recently discovered that my 14-year-old stepson, who.
I recently discovered that my 14-year-old stepson, who lives with us full-time, has been stealing, wearing, soiling and hiding his toddler sister’s pull-ups. I’ve found them after he hides them in his closet, which also serves as a general storage area. After discussions with him, I’m certain that wearing them is a pleasure thing for him. (He says “curiosity,” but this has been going on so long that he knows what it feels like.) He has even stolen some of the neighbour girl’s Baby Alive doll diapers to wear and soil. We’ve told him he has to stop stealing diapers – from our neighbour, because stealing is wrong, and from us, because these things are flippin’ expensive. We are pretty grossed out by it, despite being pretty open-minded people. I may be more grossed out by the prospect of piles of dirty diapers hidden somewhere in the house, but the thought of purposely peeing your pants isn’t pleasant either. I believe we have a fetish growing here, and I don’t think a parent needs to be involved in it, but he’s stinking up the joint.
Is your stepson a diaper perv? Maybe he is, maybe he isn’t.
“This may only be a case of ‘curiosity,’ just as his stepson says,” said Jesse Bering, PhD, a research psychologist and science writer who regularly contributes to Slate, Scientific American and other publications. “Young teenagers can’t express their overwhelming urges easily. We provide no ‘socially appropriate’ sexual outlets for 14-year-olds, masturbation aside – which, let’s face it, can get monotonous. So his stepson may simply be exploring the available materials that he, ahem, comes across.”
Bering, who just finished his second book about human sexuality (Perv: The Sexual Deviant In All Of Us), remembers doing some pretty freaky stuff himself at age 14. “I recall some exciting moments involving peeing in the bathroom sink,” said Bering. “It’s hard for me to get into the head of that lascivious kid I once was. The idea of pissing in the sink with an erection while looking at myself buck naked in the mirror isn’t particularly arousing to me these days.”
Since it’s share time in group: I remember stealing panty hose when I was 14 – I’ve never told anyone about this – and I enjoyed some exciting moments looking in a mirror while wearing them. Just as Bering didn’t grow up to be a pee-in-the-sink fetishist, I didn’t grow up to be a panty-hose-in-the-mirror fetishist. So while it’s probable that your stepson is a budding diaper fetishist, it’s also possible that he’s just horny and experimenting. That said….
“Even if it turns out that his stepson is really into diapers, it’s a pretty harmless fetish,” said Bering. “As with any paraphilia, it would be next to impossible to ‘cure,’ even at his young age. It’s just something he’ll need to learn how to handle responsibly. You may be grossed out and, yes, a festering pile of discarded diapers stuffed under his bed would be a sanitary problem, but never underestimate the power of a frank conversation grounded in truly unconditional love.”
Start that frank conversation by reassuring your stepson that you love him. Tell him that most humans are a little bit perverted – that’s what Bering’s new book is about – but our kinks are private, and you’re only talking to him about his thing for diapers because he hasn’t been very successful at keeping it private. Then cut him a deal: if he makes an effort to discreetly dispose of any diapers he soils, you won’t go looking for them and you’ll keep your mouth shut if you find one or two in the bottom of the trash bin out back.
“On the theft problem,” said Bering, “a 14-year-old diaper fetishist can’t just run to the store to buy erotic supplies out of his own paycheque. So let him earn enough money to buy a few pairs of pull-ups here and there by doing chores around the house. And while the stealing is definitely worrisome, it does provide a convenient, less awkward way for you to address the fetishism issue. Stealing from the neighbours is the main reason, you can tell your stepson, that you’ve decided to bring him to see a therapist. A good psychologist can then explore the reasons for his kleptomania and lend a sympathetic and non-parental ear for him to talk openly about any taboo feelings.”
Perv: The Sexual Deviant In All Of Us will be released October 8, but it can (and should!) be pre-ordered now. Follow him on Twitter – @jessebering – to read his highly entertaining #DailyDeviant posts.
I’m a 19-year-old male college student. I lost two and a half fingers on my right hand in an accident when I was 13. I am otherwise good-looking and in shape – but what does that matter? A counsellor once told me, “A true lady of class will love you for who you are.” I have never wanted to punch someone so hard. Bullshit. I don’t want to listen to politically correct “feel-good” crap. I’m disfigured, not stupid. Children fear me! And what sort of woman would look at me with desire when whole men can be found everywhere? Don’t tell me to go to counselling. I go to counselling. Do not give me the link to some useless “support” group’s website. What is there to do? How could I possibly approach a woman with confidence?
Here’s something you can do: get the fuck over yourself.
I know that’s harsh, DIMI, but I’m thinking harsh is what you came to me for. If it isn’t – if what you wanted was more ladies-of-class bullshit with a side of warm and syrupy sympathy – then you might wanna skip the rest of my response.
Look, motherfucker, there are people out there with missing limbs, who were badly burned in fires, with disfiguring birth defects. One day volunteering in a burn ward or at Walter Reed might help you put your mangled hand in some sort of perspective. Because it could be worse. And burn victims and people with missing limbs and people with birth defects, lots and lots of them, are out there dating and getting laid and finding partners despite the cruel looks they sometimes get from thoughtless children.
Yes, some women will be turned off by your right hand, and that sucks. But some won’t care. And while there might be one or two women out there who’ll find you more attractive as a result of your accident (I’ve never received a letter from a woman with a fetish for missing fingers, but I’ll doubtless hear from at least one after your letter runs), I can tell you this for sure: no one is attracted to a person who is paralyzed by self-pity. Each and every one of us moves through life covered with scars, DIMI, some more visible than others. Life has a way of carving chunks out of all of us – literal chunks in some cases. All we can do is make the best of what we have or what we have left.
So get the fuck over yourself, get the fuck out of the house and go meet women. If you’re worried that your right hand is the first thing a woman notices, get a prosthesis made or wear a glove. And while you may be tempted to blame your right hand for your lack of romantic success, DIMI, remember that very few people your age – people with 10 intact fingers – have met with much romantic success.
I’m sorry about your accident, DIMI, I really am. Good luck.
On this week’s Savage Lovecast: Dan chats with OKCupid cofounder Christian Rudder about strategies in online dating, at savagelovecast.com.
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The “true” self may or may not exist, but our ideals and projections about it sure do.
Posted September 26, 2011 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch
Thank goodness that I can write to you anonymously about my teenage son and his masturbation habits.These topics are certainly not easy for me to talk or write about. I would love to compare notes with my friends who have teenage sons but I am scared to death that this information will leak to their sons and my son will end up getting teased. I would never want that to happen. I treat my relationships with my kids with much respect and care.
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So, having said that, here is my issue: I am the mother of a 15-year-old teenager and a 10-year-old boy. The boys have separate bedrooms. Recently, I have become aware that my teenage son has been masturbating several times per week. I am basing this on physical evidence—the status of his bedding, sheets, etc. You get the picture. I don't know what the "normal" frequency is. I'm not sure if I should address this as a problem or not. My husband dismisses this issue. He says that this behavior is perfectly normal and, I quote, that I should "leave a box of tissues in the kid's room and leave him alone." He says that I should be happy that my son is a happy and healthy kid who is interested in his sexuality.
Dr. G., I don't want to make any mistakes here. My son is a good kid. His grades are fine and he has nice friends. I do not want to give you the impression that he runs to his bed at every possible opportunity. In fact, he doesn't spend much time in his room at all. His afterschool time is mostly spent playing sports.
So, what do you think? Does my son have a problem that requires some type of treatment? I certainly don't want to raise a sex addict. Please help.
First, I would like to commend you on a number of things. You respect your son's feelings and your relationship with him. That is excellent. You make it clear that your son's behavior in other areas of his life has not changed. That is very helpful information. I also agree that discussing this issue with a friend who may be even the slightest bit careless could certainly be a major misstep. Finally, talking with your husband and getting his input was also an excellent idea.
My advice provides guidelines only. The rules of masturbation and teenage boys have never been clearly established. Here is my attempt at it.
1. If your son is involved in all areas of his life and is not focusing exclusively on porn and masturbation then it is unlikely that he is developing a sex addiction.
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2. If he seems comfortable with himself and is not showing signs of avoidance, confusion, and shame then I would guess that he is probably not experiencing these feelings to any problematic extent.
3. My suggestion is not to introduce shame to this equation. I believe that there is no need, in your particular case, to address your son's behavior directly.
4. Although your husband may have seemed dismissive, his idea about leaving a box of tissues in your son's room is actually not a bad idea. It may indirectly send the message that you are aware of your son's behavior and that you are responding to it in a casual and relaxed manner.
5. As a mother, you may have some discomfort with your son's developing sexuality. This is to be expected.
It sounds like you are a thoughtful, well-intentioned mother. Keep up the good work.
Barbara Greenberg, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the treatment of adolescents and their well-intentioned but exhausted parents.
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The “true” self may or may not exist, but our ideals and projections about it sure do.

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Teen Boys Fetish