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You’re 16. You’re a Pedophile. You Don’t Want to Hurt Anyone. What Do You Do Now?
By Luke Malone
Illustrations by Simon Prades
Nominated for a 2014 National Magazine Award for Public Interest, which honors magazine journalism that illuminates issues of national importance.
Adam was at his desk in the second-story bedroom of his family’s suburban home when he came across it. He had recently switched file-sharing programs to one that offered more content and faster browsing, and his downloading habit had increased in kind. There was now a constant stream of files whose names included acronyms such as PTHC, or pre-teen hardcore.
The boy in this video was fair-haired and looked to be about one and a half, his small, naked body tied up to restrict movement. A man’s torso entered the frame and the child began to scream. As he watched the scene unfold, Adam was transfixed, and then quickly revolted; he reached over and stopped the video. It wasn’t like anything he’d witnessed in the two years he’d been viewing child pornography. Until now everything he’d seen seemed to suggest that the kids liked it, but this toddler was clearly in pain.
He moved over to his bed, a twin with a sturdy, wooden frame, and lay down on the crumpled blue and white cloud-print sheet. Band posters clung to the surrounding walls. Directly across from the foot of the bed was a bookshelf housing an impressive collection of horror novels. Atop the shelf sat several chess and baseball trophies whose silver sheen had been dulled by dust, and he stared up at them as he tried to process what he had just seen. He felt, he told me later, a combination of anger, sadness, and confusion.
Seeing that toddler trussed up and in pain confirmed something he’d long suspected but now had to acknowledge. The man in the video was one of those guys they sometimes talked about on the news. Though Adam didn’t want to hurt anyone, he knew that, on some level, he was just like him. He was 16 years old, he was a pedophile, and he had to do something about it.
We have a few go-to archetypes when it comes to pedophilia: There is the playground lurker, the chat-room predator, and the monstrous (often religious) authority figure. These men are usually middle-aged, unrepentant serial abusers who are caught only after remaining undetected for years. But what about the preceding decades? When do these urges first begin to manifest?
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines a pedophile as an individual who “over a period of at least six months” has “recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children.” This person also has to have “acted on these sexual urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty,” and be “at least age 16 years and at least five years older than the child or children” involved.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that most pedophiles first notice an attraction toward children when they themselves are between 11 and 16, mirroring that of any other sexual awakening. It can be a confusing time for any of us, but imagine realizing that you’re attracted to little kids. How do these young men and women negotiate that with no viable role models or support network? There is no It Gets Better for pedophiles. Are they all fated to end up as child molesters? Or is it possible for them to live a life without hurting children at all?
I spoke with experts and asked around online. I came across a site for self-described pedophiles who acknowledged their attraction and wanted help dealing with it. But the men I met were in their 50s and 60s, and I’d hoped to speak with someone younger, someone still coming to terms with what he was learning about himself. I asked them if they knew anyone like that, and a few weeks later I received an email.
“My name is Adam,” it read. “I’m 18 and non-exclusively attracted to boys and girls of all ages (particularly very young ones). I am the leader of a support group for non-offending pedophiles around my age… I would be very happy to talk with you.”
Adam is now 20 (his name, like those of other young men in this article, has been changed). He has a slightly chubby build and messy, medium-brown hair. The first time we spoke at length about his attractions, we were sitting in his old, beat-up car, in the lot of a park near the house he shares with his parents and two older brothers. It had become our regular meeting place. Outside the car, locals chatted among themselves while herding frisky Labradors and Weimaraners into the backs of jeeps; two kids roughhoused in the dirt next to us until their father asked them to stop.
Talking about his pedophilic urges, Adam refused to look me in the eye, though he often stole glances when he thought I wasn’t looking. He first noticed his attraction toward young children when he was 11. He’d developed a crush on a kindergartener at school, a boy, his desire fueled by brief, furtive glimpses of him in the halls. By the time he reached 16, his sexual interest in kids had become more defined. He found himself attracted primarily to boys between three and seven and girls aged five to eight.
When I pressed him about what he finds most attractive in a child, he shifted in the car seat from side to side, and eventually managed to say: “Small body, hairless legs, you know, things like that… like small genitalia.” But there is a strong emotional pull, a potent idea of innocence that, he explained, is far more intoxicating than anatomy. “A lot of us tend to have, I think, unrealistic views of kids,” he said. “To the point that they’re kind of angelic.” This purity, he told me, is what keeps in check his urge to act on his desires. “I see an innocence in children that would be violated,” he said.
It is why the video of the toddler, out of everything he’d seen, rattled him. There was no denying that the boy was being debased. The bound child was wailing as the man defecated on him, though his cries were soon replaced with choking splutters as his abuser began urinating in his mouth. “I wanted to reach through the computer screen and kill the person,” Adam said. “I was just so horrified at what I saw.”
I asked him what happened in the days and weeks after he’d watched the video, and he admitted he didn’t stop downloading child porn straight away. He tried his best to abstain, often going weeks, but would end up back in front of the computer. He scoured the internet looking for a way to help him break his porn “addiction” and deal with his attraction to children, and ended up at a general mental health forum. This site stated that new visitors must offer an introductory message. “I know that pedophiles don’t choose to be pedophiles,” he wrote. “I didn’t want my attraction. I don’t want my attraction. But the attraction is there, and all I can do is try to curb it.”
Instead of posting it right away, he went to bed and masturbated to child porn. “I actually felt okay about that because I reasoned that I was taking the first step toward getting help,” he said. “I guess like a drug addict enlisting in rehab and then using one last time before it starts.” He published it the following morning.
The response to his post was mixed. Some commenters were working through their own abuse history, and couldn’t stomach the idea of helping a self-confessed pedophile. But two female sexual-abuse survivors eventually came forward, convinced that he was of an age where a change could still be made. One of them, Adam believes, had suffered particularly brutal abuse, abuse that was filmed, and their conversations about the evils of child pornography would often trigger her past traumas. “She cared about me,” he said. “But she made it known that she felt I deserved whatever the law decided to do with me if I were caught for the CP [child porn].”
More than once she kept him distracted from watching porn until the early hours of the morning, when he was tired enough to go to sleep.
His pornography habit, of course, was merely symptomatic of a larger issue. It took him a long time, he told me, to accept that his desire for young boys wasn’t simply going to evaporate just because he’d stopped downloading and watching videos, and he grew increasingly despondent trying to suppress these feelings. “I was passively suicidal for a long time. I went six months without seeking actual help aside from online,” he said.
One night, while his father was out, Adam walked into his parents’ room and handed a note to his mother as she was lying in bed. “Read this,” he said. Paula (whose name has also been changed) looked up at him and opened her mouth to speak but changed her mind when she saw the expression on his face. He slipped back out of the room and she considered the letter for a moment, turning it over in her hands. She got up and walked down the hall to Adam’s bedroom, and found him curled up in bed with his back to the door. She called out to him, but he pretended he was already asleep.
Not knowing what else to do, she walked back to her room and unfolded the note. When Adam sent me a copy of it years later, he told me he couldn’t read past the first few lines, the memory of this time still so raw for him.
Dear Mommy, I am writing this letter to you as I cannot bring myself to say what I need to say to you to your face. It would simply be too painful for me, and I don’t want you to see me cry and struggle, nor do I want you to be pained by seeing me do so… I find that I am seldom happy, and very rarely go through days when I am entirely happy… I am always overshadowed with feelings of depression, guilt and shame. I’m really sick and tired of covering these feelings up… I want you to let me see a psychologist, and for both your and my own privacy, I don’t want you to be in any way acquainted with him/her… I understand that you probably have a lot to ask me, but I need some time to get my head wrapped around things. I thank you in advance for my privacy. Love, Adam.
He didn’t explain the source of his depression and his mother decided not to ask. The next morning, she pulled him aside and told him she would find him a local therapist who took their insurance.
It was a Friday morning when Adam went to see her. As he sat with his mother in the waiting room, the reality of what was about to happen washed over him. He was overwhelmed. He was about to vocalize a secret he’d only ever previously admitted to strangers on the internet.
He was called into her office, his heart racing as he stepped toward the door. She closed it behind them, offered him a seat, and began the session with questions familiar to anyone who has been in therapy, “family history, how many siblings I have,” that kind of thing. She scribbled his answers down in a notepad, and then asked why he had come to see her. Adam had never in his life felt such dread. His body began to shake as he explained that he suffered from anxiety. She asked what was making him anxious, and he just blurted it out: “I’m a pedophile and I’m addicted to child pornography.”
She blinked at him for a moment and then asked him to repeat himself. When he did, her mood changed. “She just became extremely cold and harsh,” he said. “She even, a few times, almost got to the level of shouting.” She suggested that he was simply nervous around kids his own age — a reaction I’ve learned is common among therapists with limited experience in this area. She told him she wasn’t trained to deal with the situation, but she would ask around for information on how to help him and scheduled a second session for a couple of weeks later.
I asked Adam why he agreed to see her again, and he said he felt he had no choice: “I didn’t have anything else, you know?” He soon found himself back in the waiting room with his mother. “I walk in, she asks how I’m doing, and she seems a little bit more sympathetic,” he said. “But she told me pretty much right away, ‘I can’t do this. I have to tell your mom.’”
There is currently no mechanism for treating someone who has pedophilic urges and hasn’t acted on them. A major roadblock is the existence of mandatory reporting laws, which dictate that people in certain professions must report suspicion of child abuse and neglect to Child Protective Services. (The individuals required to make a report varies from state to state; it can include all citizens but is usually restricted to those whose work puts them in regular contact with children, such as teachers, police, and psychologists.)
Mandated reporting revolutionized the way child abuse is handled in the U.S. and has brought many incidents to light, but it can be problematic for young men like Adam who haven’t abused children. The civil and criminal liabilities facing those who fail to report someone who goes on to molest a kid, combined with the fact that it need only be based on suspicion and not probable cause, means a report could be triggered when well-intentioned individuals reach out for help. The overwhelming number of minor-attracted men I spoke with said this was too much of a deterrent. Which also makes it harder to learn more about them.
There is a lot we still don’t know about pedophilia—one researcher described our scientific understanding of it as a series of “pretty big black holes.” We don’t know, for example, how someone comes by an attraction for prepubescent children in the first place. The research we do have, and this is derived from very small sample sizes, suggests that those attracted to kids tend to be shorter, left-handed, and have a lower IQ than the broader population. Another study found that being knocked unconscious before the age of 13 might be a factor. This may sound like quackery, but it points toward biological causation. In other words, it’s likely that pedophiles are born this way.
Things are a little clearer when it comes to the numbers. Studies suggest that up to 9 percent of men have fantasized about having sex with a prepubescent child, and 3 percent of all men have gone on to sexually offend. (Not all of them would meet the diagnostic criteria for pedophilia. The latter figure includes situational offenders, men who abuse children if the opportunity arises but who otherwise have no pre-existing attraction to kids.) Michael Seto, director of the University of Ottawa’s Forensic Research Unit and associate editor of Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment, believes that the prevalence of male pedophiles sits closer to 1 percent of the population, which would equate to at least 1.2 million in the U.S. alone. (Female pedophiles exist, but in smaller numbers.)
The distinction between fantasies and behavior is an important one to make. Our failure to acknowledge the existence of pedophiles who choose not to act on their desires not only prevents them from coming forward to seek help but is also an obstacle when it comes to gaining support for therapeutic intervention. Seto told me there is evidence to suggest that there are a significant number of men who are sexually attracted to children and struggling, often alone, to keep their urges in check. “If you did a survey of the general public,” Seto said, “I think a large majority would assume that anyone who is sexually attracted to prepubescent children has acted on it.”
“The first thing that I recall the therapist saying is ‘We’ve got a problem,’” said Adam’s mom, Paula. She knew something was up when she first entered the room. She saw her son staring at the floor, “not speaking… practically not breathing, he wasn’t moving a muscle, other than he was shaking.” And then the therapist told her why she was there.
“I was really, really shocked. I thought we were going to be talking about depression. That wasn’t even on my radar of what I thought could even come up as part of the problem,” she said. “It immediately entered my mind that perhaps somebody had abused him. How else could this have happened? How else could he have even thought to do that if he wasn’t abused?”
But while victimization is a risk factor for perpetration, it’s not a given, and the majority of abused children do not go on to offend. Paula believes her son when he says it’s not the case. “If it had already come out that he was engaged in looking at child pornography, why would he then hold back on the other component?” she said. “It would have been easier, I think, from his position to say that something had happened to him and then he is considered a victim.”
Paula hasn’t told anyone about what she learned about her son — not a friend, not a therapist of her own, not her husband. Our conversations were the first she’s had about it since finding out. “Nobody,” she said, with a melancholic laugh, when I asked who she turns to for support. “I can be certain that his dad would not have, I don’t think could have, handled it in a similar way as myself. He’s just much more emotionally reactive.”
But it doesn’t mean she hasn’t been thinking about it. I was surprised by how eager she was to talk about Adam, and so directly. In fact, discussing her son’s attraction to children seemed to come as a relief. “It is something I’m aware of when I lay down to sleep and I’m aware of it when I get up,” she said. “It’s always on my mind.”
Paula copes by being pragmatic. She helped her son find a new therapist, one better equipped to help him deal with his attractions. And when that new therapist suggested he remove all information on the two computers he used to access child porn, so as to reduce temptation and possible legal ramifications, she led the charge. “Adam told me that the only way to do that would be to actually replace the hard drives, because writing over them or just deleting information does not actually get rid of it—it’s still embedded, it’s still there,” she said, adding that they destroyed the originals. “I didn’t want him to be at any risk whatsoever, and I felt the thing to do was to immediately get rid of it.”
Her concern was hardly disproportionate to the potential repercussions. Possession of child pornography carries statutory penalties under federal and state law. These penalties can be so severe that those caught with child porn can receive longer sentences than those convicted of child abuse. Because the videos he downloaded included children under 12 years old, a first-time offender like Adam might have been fined $100,000 and sentenced up to 20 years in prison; the maximum term can be increased to 40 years for those with prior convictions.
Paula said her greatest fear is that he might one day go back to viewing child porn, but, after a little pressing, she acknowledged a larger concern. “I know that he has had thoughts, I know that he’s had urges… I know that when people have urges and thoughts that they can prog
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