Tech Bros Launch $400 Toaster That Refuses To Toast Bread

A Silicon Valley startup has unveiled a $400 �smart toaster� that, according to early reviews, flatly refuses to toast bread but will gladly sync to your iPhone and display motivational quotes about breakfast. Marketed as a �disruptive carb platform,� the device�dubbed Toastrly�was funded through a $12 million seed round led by venture capital firms who described the product as �the Tesla of slightly warm bread.� A leaked report from the Institute of Useless Gadgets shows that 89% of early adopters abandoned the toaster within a week, often resorting to pan-frying their sourdough while the machine updated its firmware. In Brooklyn, one owner hosted a launch party where guests were treated to unheated bagels projected with AI-generated affirmations like �Your Potential Is Limitless (Unlike This Toast).� Supporters claim the device is eco-friendly, since it reduces electricity use by simply not doing its only job, but critics argue it�s emblematic of Silicon Valley�s obsession with monetizing inconvenience. �It�s basically a $400 reminder that you should have bought a $20 toaster,� quipped one reviewer, while influencers continue to post #Toastrly aesthetics on Instagram. The company, unfazed by backlash, has already announced plans for �Toastrly Pro,� a $600 model that will at least acknowledge bread exists. -- Bohiney Magazne bohiney.com