Tearing During Sex

Tearing During Sex
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“Yes, yes , YES! I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m … crying?”
If that line could have spewed out of your mouth or raced through your mind during a sexual escapade or two, I can guess what next thought was: WTF?
“Usually, if we start crying during sex, especially as women, we try to immediately shut it down, like ‘What the eff is happening?’ or, ‘I shouldn’t be crying right now—he’s going to be so uncomfortable,’ or, ‘What is wrong with me?’” says Rachel Wright, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in York City. But “while it may not be your favorite way to engage in sex,” she adds, “crying is totally normal.”
"It’s possible to be crying and enjoying it at the same time.”
That’s because though crying is typically perceived as a sign of sadness, in reality, it’s your body saying “too much!” of any emotion, be it joy, fear, happiness or pain, says Laura McGuire, M.Ed., a sexologist in Florida. Wright actually calls crying “emotional sweating.” But like sweating, tears sometimes seem to pour out at The Worst Time ever.
If your partner seems confused, "being honest is the best policy," says Sarah Nasserzadeh, Ph.D., a psychosexual therapist in Palo Alto, California and co-author of Orgasm Answer Guide . Yep, that means opening up about what you think triggered those tears—like one of the reasons below.
Whether you’re PMS-ing hard, undergoing fertility treatment, or pregnant, you know hormonal spikes, dips, and shifts can trigger a waterfall, and that’s the case whether you’re watching a commercial or spread-eagle in bed, says Nasserzadeh.
That last cocktail might have given you the liquid courage to ask a crush to , but you can also curse it for lowering the inhibitions that typically keep your emotions close to your chest, Nasserzadeh says.
Know why sex can feel so good? Because the rest of the day (or week or month) you’re tense and the deed forces you to relax.
“When sex is really good and we’re completely relaxed for a few seconds—sometimes minutes—it allows all these things to come out,” McGuire says. It’s the exact same reason you may cry during a massage or yoga class.
Sometimes, there are no words for how deeply connected you feel to your partner. Instead, there are tears, Nasserzadeh says. “If sex is a way of deep connection with a partner, your body might choose this form of release to communicate your emotions,” she says.
That’s pretty typical, Wright adds, since sex releases oxytocin, and oxytocin promotes bonding, trust, and empathy. “It’s easy to feel safe to release emotions that may have been bottled up for whatever reason,” she says.
Did a relative or pet die recently? Or perhaps you got laid off or, heck, you're still not over your last breakup. Grief can strike anywhere—walking down the sidewalk, in the middle of work meeting, or, yep, mid-romp.
Your partner may jump to this conclusion if you cry during sex and, sometimes, he or she is right. Painful sex may simply mean you need to slow down or grab some lube, or, if it happens frequently, may signal any number of (treatable) conditions like endometriosis, an infection, or pelvic inflammatory disease. Stop the sesh and schedule an appointment with an ob-gyn stat.
Tears can also strike due to the type of pain you asked for in the form of (consensual) choking, spanking, slapping, or getting tied up.
“Both physical pain and pleasure activate the same part of the brain,” Wright says, “so it’s totally possible to be crying from pain and be enjoying it at the same time.”
Nasserzadeh has worked with women who tell her they’ve cried during sex because they don’t feel like they “deserve” to take a moment to enjoy themselves. “They feel like, as a mother, they should be focusing on their child and not on self-pleasuring,” she says.
“Trauma gets deeply embedded...and something sex will bring it up."
PSA though: You cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself. “If you’re feeling shame around sex or intimacy in general, and it comes out in the form of tears, it’s a good indicator to explore that shame outside of the bedroom and see what it’s about,” Wright adds.
Maybe you’ve had a seriously long dry spell, or maybe sex just has never been that fun or enjoyable to you. “If you’ve never had (or rarely had) satisfying sexual interactions, it might be so wonderful that tears would be a sign of gratitude, joy or happiness,” Nasserzadeh says. Let ‘em flow, let ‘em flow, let ‘em flow!
Maybe you’re a survivor of sexual assault, or maybe something a little off happened once that you thought you’d forgotten. Cue sex to remind you. “Trauma gets so deeply embedded in our minds and memory that it’s hard to remember exactly what happened and something [sex] will bring it up,” McGuire says. Stop having sex if you feel like your brain and body are dissociating, if painful memories are coming up, or you feel out of control, Wright advises.
Whether or not you can put your finger on it, see a professional if “you’re crying a lot and you’re not able to identify why, or even if it’s once but the feelings that are coming with that are sudden fear or a sudden sense of dread,” McGuire suggests.

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By Jackie Giannelli, FNP-BC
on November 17, 2020

Pain with sex is an issue for many women and there are a variety of reasons why women may feel pain either during or after intercourse. However, if you’ve recently had sex that was a little “rough” or went on for a long period of time, and you have significant “burning” pain afterwards – it’s possible that you are dealing with some tiny tears or cuts in the vagina. Why does this happen? Well the most common reason is lack of lubrication. If the vulvar tissues are not well lubricated, the thrusting of the penis in and out of the vagina can cause friction which leads to burns, dryness and micro-tears in the tissues. Lack of lubrication can be an issue for both pre- and post-menopausal women and can be secondary to anything from antihistamine use, oral contraceptives, and of course menopause. All of these conditions can cause vaginal dryness and even thinning and inflammation of the vulvovaginal tissues, making them more prone to tearing.
Of course, if you are experiencing burning pain after sex, it’s important to be screened for sexually transmitted diseases and urinary tract infections. But if the pain occurs IMMEDIATELY after intercourse, it’s more likely that these micro-tears are to blame.
So, what to do if this happens to you? Well, one solution is the old tried and true – coconut oil to the rescue, yet again! Not only is coconut oil a fantastic lubricant and moisturizer, it is very “vagina” friendly and can help to instantly soothe and start the process of healing. It is also recommended that you wear loose-fitting cotton underwear and avoid sex for a few days to help expedite healing. Luckily, the tissues of the vagina have a lot of access to blood flow and are able to repair themselves very quickly. This is why women can have a vaginal childbirth and not perish in the process! Isn’t the vagina miraculous?!
If you are a sexually active woman who is prone to dryness and thinning of the vaginal tissues, it is a great idea to preemptively moisturize the vagina. This should be done at least a few times per week, and is not to be confused with lubrication during intercourse. We really love hyaluronic acid suppositories, such as Revaree, which can be purchased online. And if all else fails, speak to your provider about a topical hormonal cream such as estradiol or DHEA. If the tissues are hormonally deprived, they will lose their stretchiness and tearing is more likely to happen during intercourse. Last tip – make sure that all fingernails are trimmed and cleaned before any finger play. This will help to prevent micro-cuts and minimize exposure to bacteria and other contaminants. Now go enjoy that long afternoon quarantine romp. And, remember to bring the lube!
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Jackie Giannelli is an ANCC board certified nurse practitioner who has worked in the fields of urology, women’s health, and sexual health since 2015. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in nursing from New York University and a Master’s degree as a Family Nurse Practitioner from San Francisco State University.
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