Teaching Bdsm

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Teaching Bdsm
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Curious about the consensual, erotic power play of BDSM, but don't feel ready to invest in a full-scale dungeon just yet? We have good news: You can add BDSM moves to your partnered sex life without spending a mint on new accessories or mastering dozens of different rope ties.
Even in a post- Fifty Shades world, there's no shame in being new to BDSM. And while investing in kink gear and sex toys can be fun, this kind of play is ultimately about you, your partner or partners, and consensual power exchange, not capitalism. "BDSM doesn’t require any money," kink-friendly sex therapist Michael Aaron tells Allure . "Much of it is psychological, and if you are looking for impact play, many people feel like no toy beats their hands anyway, and that’s free. Likewise, various household items such as rope and clothespins can be used in scenes, and they hardly cost anything at all." (A "scene" is how people commonly refer to a period in which the kinky play goes down.) From safely restraining your partner to experimenting with role-play, here are eight ways you can explore BDSM with your partner tonight.
When we talk about dominance and submission in BDSM, we're talking about consensual power exchange: That means that even if a submissive partner is tied up and allowing the dominant partner to dictate what happens in a scene, the terms have been discussed and agreed upon by all partners beforehand. In fact, the sub can even be thought of as the one in control, since it's the dominant partner's responsibility to always respect their limits. Before trying anything new, talk it over with your partner to make sure you're both into whatever's about to go down. You may be interested in choosing a safe word that stops play if needed. Learning your turn-ons and boundaries (and your partner's) is all part of the fun of BDSM, and discussing your encounter before it happens can be its own anticipation-building form of foreplay.
Are you a submissive who likes being reprimanded? Do you want to be told that you're a bad girl and that you're going to do what daddy wants? Ask your partner to talk dirty to you. Anyone can engage in dirty talk related to BDSM themes, whether you are dominant, submissive, or both (someone who plays both roles is referred to as a switch). Dirty talk allows you to express your desires. Verbal cues also help you visualize hot fantasies. Say you have a fantasy of being restrained but for now just want to hear your partner tell you about how they're going to tie you up and (consensually) use you, or you'd like to see how it feels to call them "sir." Dirty talk lets you explore fantasies before physically trying them.
Adding sensory deprivation to your sex life is an easy and tantalizing way to build tension. When you temporarily subtract stimuli from one sense, you can heighten others: For instance, when you can't see because you're wearing a blindfold, a whisper in your ear or the taste of your partner's mouth may seem all the more intense — and exciting.
If you want to buy a blindfold, start with a comfy silk one such as this $8 satin mask from Babeland . You can also use a sleeping mask or the silk tie of a bathrobe. Depending on what role you want to play, ask your partner to blindfold you or ask if you can blindfold them. Once the blindfold is on, the partner not wearing it can tease and tantalize the wearer, leaving them guessing what's coming next by kissing all over their body, whispering dirty talk into their ear, or tickling erogenous zones with a feather.
Orgasm control, especially when done to a person with a penis, is usually referred to as "edging." This involves bringing someone nearly to orgasm and then abruptly stopping the stimulation, then repeating as desired. If you're new to orgasm control, you probably already know that delayed gratification can make the end reward that much sweeter. You don't have to have any sort of rigid edging routine to explore orgasm control: If you're the submissive partner, simply relax and give your dominant partner permission to take your orgasm into their hands. Have them use their mouth or a sex toy to bring you close to climax, stopping right beforehand. When you can't wait any longer, let them help you cross the finish line and prepare for the most intense orgasm you've had in a while.
Candles are useful for more than just creating mood lighting. They can also be used for temperature play, or using hot and cold to provoke arousal during sexual play . (This technique can feature in both vanilla and BDSM encounters.)
In the case of candles, you can have a partner drizzle hot wax on your body, but don't just use candles you picked up from the grocery store: The wax from those can be a little too hot. Companies such as Jimmyjane make massage candles designed for sex, in erotic scents such as bourbon and ginger and date . These sex-specific candles burn at lower temperatures than most conventional ones and also melt into luxurious oil that you can use for erotic massage. Since role-play, especially anything that involves power dynamics, is great BDSM fun, try role-playing as a massage therapist and client — complete with a happy ending if you so choose.
Restraint is the crux of many BDSM scene. After you and your partner discuss what activities are on the table when one of you is tied up (perhaps that's spanking, nipple biting, and oral sex are) and what's off-limits (maybe you're not too keen on spitting or face slapping), the tying can begin. There are many great books out there to teach you some basic knot-tying skills, such as The Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage by Midori, but you don't have to get fancy; just make sure the knot or tie is something you can undo when you're ready. You can buy some specialty bondage rope or even use a scarf or a bathrobe tie. Pro tip: Lay whatever material you're using flat against the skin so that it doesn't bunch up and threaten to cut off circulation. If you use rope, keep some safety shears around so that if one of your knots becomes stuck, you can simply cut through the rope.
Handcuffs are another common restraint tool, and they tend to be quite user-friendly. While ropes are highly versatile, you don't have worry about your tying skills with handcuffs, and since you can also use cuffs to ensure the submissive partner is unable to touch themselves, they're handy for experimenting with orgasm denial. Start with some comfy Velcro cuffs , or if you want a realistic-looking pair, try these metal handcuffs from the Fifty Shades of Grey line on for size.
Role-playing can help you get into a kinky mood as you take on the personas of people with power dynamics you want to explore, such as a boss and secretary or student and professor. Dressing up is a creative, liberating way to explore hidden desires, so if you're turned on by being dominant or submissive with your partner but feel a little nervous, the right outfit could help.
It can be as simple as something you already have at home, such as a tie or a plaid skirt, but sites like Lovehoney offer a dazzling range of affordable costume options . Do you want to be the patient who asks the hot doctor to examine them and test their orgasm? Have your partner throw on a stethoscope. Turned on by cheerleader role-play? Put your hair in pigtails and lean into the fantasy. Costumes help us step into the dominant or submissive roles we want to act out in bed. Even if you throw on a costume and end up having vanilla sex, who doesn't love an excuse to play dress-up as an adult?
Watch our wellness editor test this wild flavor of lube:
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‘BDSM for beginners’: Everything I learnt when I went to a bondage workshop
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From Fifty Shades to flogging, Lifestyle Writer Rachel Hosie gets a crash course in BDSM
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From Fifty Shades to flogging, Lifestyle Writer Rachel Hosie gets a crash course in BDSM
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Fifty Shades of Grey has sparked an interest in BDSM across the globe – upon the first film’s release in 2015, there was a sharp and sudden increase in people searching for the term online, according to Google Trends.
However it turns out that the film is in fact not an accurate depiction of BDSM at all – it’s one of the first things I learn in my ‘BDSM for beginners’ workshop.
“It’s rape, it’s abuse, it’s not an accurate representation,” says professional dominant and leader of the workshop, Master Dominic .
It’s a Monday evening and I’m in a dimly-lit basement room in The Book Club in Shoreditch, East London. Sitting alongside me in rows of chairs are a mix of men and women – some are with their partners, others with mates, a few are alone.
Part of The Book Club’s ‘ sex -ed for adults’ series, we’ve been promised an “introductory workshop in kink” – we have been assured, however, that there will be no audience participation.
I am usually the type of person to volunteer, but even I might draw the line at this one.
As someone who knows little more about BDSM than what one sees in Fifty Shades – and I’ve only seen the first film - it doesn’t take me long to realise I have a lot to learn.
Master Dominic is blunt but hilarious in an understated way. Most importantly, however, he is undeniably an expert in BDSM despite the fact that – as he points out – “there’s no qualification.”
He encourages us to ask questions whenever we feel like it, and away we go.
“BDSM is not something you can just have a couple of beers and fumble your way through,” Dominic tells us. Which, I feel, is quite important considering that’s how most people lose their virginity.
I’d never actually considered how one would go about experimenting with BDSM, but when you think about it, how would you bring it up?
Dominic says you should just say it and then do as much research as you can.
It’s also important to discuss what language your partner likes and dislikes – Dominic recommends using verbs over nouns, so asking “How does that feel?”
The next key step in preparing to try BDSM is to work out what everything feels like on yourself first. “You need to try things out in a non-sexy way because bondage can induce panic,” he says.
Dominic tells us various stories illustrating just how important it is to do this – the woman who thought it would be a good idea to walk over her partner in stilettos, for example, or the man who decided to put kebab skewers through his nipples.
I alternate between nearly falling off my chair with laughter and wincing at the thought of the pain. Fifty Shades certainly doesn’t show how much can go wrong.
“You have to learn how to scare the living sh** out of someone but in a sexy way,” Dominic says. And I realise there’s a lot more to this than just blindfolding someone and giving them a little spank.
Dominic drops a bag of terrifying props on to the floor and I see things I’ve never seen in my sheltered 24 years on this earth.
When you’re in a long-term relationship, you see each other in pyjamas so how do you suddenly put on a corset and switch into different personas?
Maybe my pink polka-dot PJs aren’t as sexy as I’d like to think.
According to Dominic, the trick is for the dominant person to leave the room for five minutes – this gives the submissive the chance to get into what’s known as “sub space” and allows them to decompress, get ready and feel comfortable.
When the dom comes back, they need to be suddenly bold and in charge rather than polite: “Nothing says dominance like crippling anxiety,” Dominic deadpans. He has a point.
According to Dominic, there are three most common interests when it comes to impact play: bondage, spanking and feet.
Feet? Seriously? My friend and I exchange puzzled looks because, well, we both think feet are gross.
It’s spanking, however, that is the entry-level area of BDSM.
Dominic’s first top tip surprises me: “Don’t hit them in the kidneys,” he says. And again, I am confused. Why would anyone want to hit someone in the kidneys? Perhaps I am too innocent for my own good. Am I missing something inherently sexy about the kidneys?
The main rule is not to hit anything that isn’t protected – it’s best to stick to the bottom, and particularly the fleshy area where the bum cheeks meet the top of the legs. This, he says, is “the sweet spot.”
Oh, and don’t bend over so your buttocks are stretched out – the more taut the skin, the more likely it is to bruise and split. Ouch.
Start off gently because you have to build up tolerance to impact play, apparently. And whatever you do, don’t use a cane, which Dominic says is a particularly British vice. I can’t decide whether this surprises me or not.
If you’re the spanker rather than the spankee (my terms, not his), you should cup your hand and hit 25 per cent less hard than you think your partner can stand.
Dominic rotates his hands in circles and his wrists click loudly and continuously – the result of years of spanking. You have been warned.
One of the other main forms of impact play is using a flogger – Dominic suggests you start with a small one made of leather or faux fur.
You should flog in a downwards motion and continue for three and a half to four minutes. This is, apparently, the optimum length of time for the sub to relax and enjoy it.
I imagine trying to do any of these things without knowing anything about how to do them properly and cringe – it must result in a lot of awkwardness and pain.
A question pops into my head and – having been encouraged to do so at the start – I decide to be bold, stick my hand up and ask: “Do you wash the sex toys?”
The room reacts in a mix of sniggers and chuckles. I decide never to ask a question ever again in my life.
Dominic, however, respects my question and explains that you should wash toys in hot, soapy water, spray them with Dettol and hang them up to dry. Once a month should be enough if you’re not using them loads.
“Insertables” however – his word not mine – need to be thoroughly cleaned after each use though.
The most important thing to remember when trying sensory deprivation is to have a safe word – oh, and it’s not about pushing someone to their limit.
Some clever so-and-so in the audience with me asked how you have a safe word if someone is gagged, and Dominic said you need to have a hand signal.
He does not recommend gagging and binding someone at the same time, but if you switch between the two, you need to switch safe words too.
He explained the challenge of not breaking the sexy bubble whilst equally ensuring no one panics. Hmm. Quite the dilemma, I imagine.
As a dom, you need to trust that the sub will use your safe word – one of the ways you can avoid panic setting in, Dominic explains, is by ensuring the sub can set themselves free.
“Knowing you can get out of it yourself removes panic 95% of time,” he says.
As the session draws to a close, I notice the dog snoring in the row behind me which somewhat ruins the sexy vibe.
Before I went to the workshop, I imagined everyone would be sitting there cringing, but they weren’t. Although we laughed throughout, it was refreshing how, well, casually but seriously the whole topic was treated.
And by the end it was safe to say I understood how real BDSM isn’t anything like Fifty Shades at all. Who’d have thought it?
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