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Suitable for 9-11 years Pornography: talking about it with children 9-11 years
Last updated or reviewed 15-04-2022
At raisingchildren.net.au we acknowledge the traditional custodians of the land on which we live, gather and work. We recognise their continuing connection to land, water and community. We pay respect to Elders past, present and emerging.
Pornography is sexually explicit material that aims to arouse people who are looking at it.
For children aged 9-11 years, pornography can be confusing and upsetting .
There are various types of pornography. Some pornography can send negative messages like these:
A lot of easily accessible pornography sends messages that can negatively affect children and teenagers. Looking at it regularly can influence their attitudes to sex and sexual relationships. This can affect their ability to form healthy, respectful relationships.
Talking about pornography won’t rob your child of their innocence.
Talking is one of the best ways to protect your child from the influence of pornography. That’s because talking about pornography teaches your child about:
Now could be a good time to start talking about pornography, if you haven’t already. But it depends on your child’s maturity and access to the internet.
You could start a conversation by talking about something you and your child have seen in a movie, TV show, YouTube video and so on. Or you could ask your child some questions. For example:
It’s important to listen and be open to what your child has to say. If your child has questions, try to answer them briefly and honestly. If you don’t know the answers, it’s OK to say so. You can tell your child you’ll think about it and get back to them.
If you take an open and non-judgmental approach to talking about pornography now, it will help your child feel more comfortable to talk about it with you in the future.
It’s a good idea to go online regularly with your child, because that’s where your child is most likely to come across pornography. If you come across pornographic or sexual images while you’re online together, it can be a good opportunity to talk.
Here’s how to explain pornography in a way your child can understand:
‘Pornography is pictures or videos about sex. Some adults like to look at pictures of people having sex, but these pictures are made for adults not children. Sometimes pornography shows people acting weirdly and hurting each other. Pornography isn’t like sex in real life. Pornography can show people doing things they don’t really like doing, but they pretend because they’re paid. I’d like you not to watch it if you come across it.’
The most practical way to prevent your child from accidentally coming across pornography at home is by following internet safety guidelines .
And if you use a streaming or pay TV service, make sure you set it up with a passcode. This will help to prevent your child from accidentally accessing mature content on this platform.
You can also talk about what your child could do in situations outside your home . For example:
If your child sees pornography, it’s important to stay calm .
Staying calm helps you talk with your child in a caring, constructive and supportive way. It also helps you make sure that what your child has seen doesn’t traumatise them. And it reinforces the message that your child can talk to you anytime about upsetting or confusing things, and you’ll help your child feel safe.
How to talk with children who’ve accidentally seen pornography Start by reassuring your child that they’re not in trouble and that you’re glad they’re telling you about what they’ve seen.
Then try to get your child talking about what they’ve seen. These questions might help:
You don’t need to ask your child to explain the details of what they saw. Your child might tell you now, or it might come out later.
Praise your child for telling you and explain that it’s always best to ask questions and talk about scary or confusing things.
What to say when children deliberately view pornography Your child might have deliberately looked for pornography, or they might have found it unexpectedly by putting words like ‘kissing’ or ‘bum’ into a search.
If this happens, you could tell your child that it’s OK to be curious about sex. Then you could explain what pornography is and why it isn’t good for children to see it. It’s important to emphasise that sex itself isn’t wrong or bad, but that sex and pictures of sex are for adults, not children.
What your child can do in future If your child knows what to do if they come across pornography again, it can help your child feel less frightened or worried. Here’s what your child should do:
Pre-teens mostly see pornography online , including on pay TV and streaming services.
Some pre-teens deliberately look for pornography, and some see it when friends show it to them. But most pre-teens who see pornography come across it by accident . For example, they:
Talking about topics like pornography can be uncomfortable – for both you and your child. But there are ways to handle these conversations in positive ways. This video demonstrates ways to handle difficult conversations with pre-teens. Staying calm and really listening make a great start. You can also use these conversations as opportunities to help your child make responsible decisions.
Pre-teens might have spent more time online during COVID-19 lockdowns. This means they might have had more opportunities to come across pornography.
This article was developed in collaboration with Dr Joanne Orlando, Senior Lecturer, Early Childhood Education, Western Sydney University, and digital families expert; and Professor Lelia Green, Professor of Communications, School of Arts and Humanities, Edith Cowan University.
Armstrong, A., Quadara, A., El-Murr, A., & Latham, J. (2017). The effects of pornography on children and young people [Research snapshot] . Australian Institute of Family Studies. Retrieved 9 February 2022 from https://aifs.gov.au/sites/default/files/publication-documents/online_pornography-effects_on_children_young_people_snapshot.pdf.
Davis, C.A., Wright, C., Curtis, M., Hellard, M.E., Lim, M.S.C., & Temple-Smith, M.J. (2019). Not my child: Parenting, pornography, and views on education. Journal of Family Studies, 27 (4), 573-588. https://doi.org/10.1080/13229400.2019.1657929.
eSafety Commissioner. (2020). COVID-19, global online safety advice for parents and carers . eSafety Commissioner. Retrieved 9 February 2022 from https://www.esafety.gov.au/sites/default/files/2020-04/aus-global-parent-online-safety-advice_1.pdf.
eSafety Commissioner. (2018). Summary report: Parenting and pornography: Findings from Australia, New Zealand and the United Kingdom . eSafety Commissioner. Retrieved 9 February 2022 from https://www.esafety.gov.au/sites/default/files/2019-09/summary-report-parenting-and-pornography.pdf.
Horvath, M.A.H., Alys, L., Massey, K., Pina, A., Scally, M., & Adler, J.A. (2014). ‘Basically, porn is everywhere.’ A rapid evidence assessment on the effect that access and exposure to pornography has on children and young people . UK Office of the Children’s Commissioner. Retrieved 9 February 2022 from https://www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/Basically_porn_is_everywhere.pdf.
Livingstone, S., & Mason, J. (2015). Sexual rights and sexual risks among youth online: A review of existing knowledge regarding children and young people’s developing sexuality in relation to new media environments . London School of Economics & The European NGO Alliance for Child Safety Online. Retrieved 9 February 2022 from http://eprints.lse.ac.uk/64567/1/Livingstone_Review_on_Sexual_rights_and_sexual_risks_among_online_youth_Author_2015.pdf.
Martellozzo, E., Monaghan, A., Adler, J.R., Davidson, J., Leyva, R., & Horvath, M.A.H. (2017). ‘… I wasn’t sure it was normal to watch it …’: A quantitative and qualitative examination of the impact of online pornography on the values, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours of children and young people . National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children & UK Office of the Children’s Commissioner. Retrieved 9 February 2022 from https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/media/1187/mdx-nspcc-occ-pornography-report.pdf.
Nash, V., Adler, J.R., Horvath, M.A.H., Livingstone, S., Marston, C., Owen, G., & Wright, J. (2015). Identifying the routes by which children view pornography online: Implications for future policy-makers seeking to limit viewing . UK Department for Culture, Media & Sport. Retrieved 9 February 2022 from http://eprints.lse.ac.uk/65450/.
Our Watch. (2020). Background paper: Pornography, young people, and preventing violence against women . Our Watch. Retrieved 9 February 2022 from https://media-cdn.ourwatch.org.au/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2020/11/20022415/Pornography-young-people-preventing-violence.pdf.
Paasonen, S., Attwood, F., McKee, A., Mercer, J., & Smith, C. (2020). Objectification: On the difference between sex and sexism . Routledge.
Raine, G., Khouja, C., Scott, R., Wright, K., & Sowden, A.J. (2020). Pornography use and sexting amongst children and young people: A systematic overview of reviews. Systematic Reviews, 9 , Article e283 . https://doi.org/10.1186/s13643-020-01541-0.
Smith, C., Attwood, F., & Scott, R. (2019). Policy brief: Young people and digital intimacies. What is the evidence and what does it mean? Where next? University of Sunderland. Retrieved 9 February 2022 from https://sure.sunderland.ac.uk/id/eprint/11405/1/Young%20People%20and%20Digital%20Intimacies%20June%202019%20Final.pdf.
Tarrant, S. (2016). The pornography industry: What everyone needs to know . Oxford University Press.
Tsaliki, L., & Chronaki, D. (2020). Children’s sexuality in the context of digital media: Sexualisation, sexting and experiences with sexual content in a research perspective. In L. Green, D. Holloway, K. Stevenson, T. Leaver & L. Haddon (Eds), The Routledge companion to digital media and children (Part V, Chap. 40). Taylor and Francis.
UNICEF. (n.d.). COVID-19 and its implications for protecting children online . UNICEF. Retrieved 9 February 2022 from https://www.unicef.org/sites/default/files/2020-04/COVID-19-and-Its-Implications-for-Protecting-Children-Online.pdf.
Sexting: early conversations with children 6-11 years
Sexting is using digital technology to send sexual images, videos or messages. Talk with kids about sexting, sharing images and behaving respectfully online.
Feeling comfortable with sexuality is essential to healthy development in the teenage years. Accepting your child’s sexuality and talking openly can help.
Consent and sexual consent: talking with children and teenagers
Sexual consent is agreeing to take part in sexual activity. It’s key to healthy relationships. Children can learn about consent long before it relates to sex.
Problematic and harmful sexual behaviour in children and teenagers
Most sexual behaviour in childhood and adolescence is typical and healthy. But some sexual behaviour is problematic or harmful. It needs professional advice.
Child sexual abuse: what it is and what to do
Child sexual abuse is when adults or older children involve children in sexual activity. Sexual abuse is never a child’s fault. Read how to protect children.
Preventing violence against women: teaching children about respect and gender equality
Prevention of violence against women starts with parents, children, respect and gender equality. You can be a role-model for respect towards women and girls.
Raising Children Network is supported by the Australian Government. Member organisations are the Parenting Research Centre and the Murdoch Childrens Research Institute with The Royal Children’s Hospital Centre for Community Child Health.
© 2006-2022 Raising Children Network (Australia) Limited. All rights reserved.
Warning: This website and the information it contains is not intended as a substitute for professional consultation with a qualified practitioner.
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