Talk About Sex With Me
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Talk About Sex With Me
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Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.
While some of us are comfortable talking about sex with our partners, a large number of us are not for a couple of good reasons. The topic itself is cloaked in hesitation, reluctance and awkwardness. Many of us grew up in households where sexual topics were rarely if ever discussed, giving us few opportunities or role models to feel comfortable with the subject. And the vulnerability that is stirred in the physical side of sex can easily bleed over to the verbal side. Exposing our intimate thoughts and wishes can make us feel self-critical, small, or unsafe; we fear judgment or rejection.
And so it’s easier to ignore the topic or at best make vague hints, mumbled suggestions that go under the radar or are misunderstood, or because they stir up our partner’s anxiety , are ignored or pushed away only further fueling our fears.
The antidote, of course, is the same for any relationship problem, namely, going against our grain and taking the risk of talking about the elephant in the room. Here are some suggestions to make this all a bit easier:
The starting point is figuring out what is the 1, 2, or 3 points that your partner to come away with. Three not 30. Three is about as much as anyone can process in any given conversation. (You can address other topics in future conversations; right now you just are opening the door to the topic.) This is also not about over-preparing as though your about to deliver a Gettysburg Address, but it’s helpful to have your own thoughts in order before venturing forth.
What’s helpful to also consider and convey is the larger context of your concerns. Sure you can and may need to talk about the specifics of physical pleasure, but often sexual issues are part and parcel of a larger emotional climate of the relationship, where the physical side is a concentrated form of all that is good and not so good in the relationship. Is there enough appreciation, affection, verbal intimacy ? Do these need to be thought about and addressed as well? Think about these and decide if they are important to the conversation.
Sitting down and having a straight-ahead adult conversation sounds great but can also be difficult. If you are ready to take this on, it’s often helpful to give your partner a heads up: “I’m wondering if we could make some time this weekend to talk about a couple of things that have been on my mind?” While such planning may feel a bit staged, it avoids falling into those often disastrous attempts at conversation at 12 midnight when you are both tired and your partner feels side-winded and gets defensive.
But if this straight-ahead approach seems too overwhelming, consider sending an email or letter. The obvious advantage is that you have time to gather your thoughts and your partner to absorb what you are saying by reading it over again. You can also make sure you put into it and offset what you fear your partner may think: “I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy our sexual life or that you are not a good lover” – helping to cut such thoughts at the pass. If you go this route, follow up verbally: “Did you read my email? Can we talk about after dinner?”
Finally, consider making bringing other media. This is where some couples will go to the relationship / sex section at Barnes and Noble, find pictures or descriptions in the books on the shelves that fit what they want to say and show to their partners. Or watch porn together that you are both comfortable viewing, using the images as a kick-starter for conversation.
Because the goal is to initiate a two-sided conversation, ask not only for your partner's reactions, but encourage your partner to say what he or she may then want from you.
Make sure you do your best to employ those good-conversation rules: Make “I” statements rather than “you” statements, talking about what you think, feel, and want. Talk about the positive, what you want, rather than what the other person is not doing or doing wrong. These help your partner not become defensive. Be concrete and behavioral. This is especially important when talking about physical desires: “Touch my breasts more gently or thrust more gently” rather than vague language like “be more gentle” or “more engaged”. Knowing exactly what to do helps your partner know...exactly what to do.
If the conversation goes well, circle back, thank your partner for listening, see if he or she has any more reactions or questions. If it didn’t go well, circle back and talk about that: “I’m sorry if you felt on the spot and criticized last night; that's what I intended. Can we try this conversation again?” What’s all too easy to do if the conversation gets derailed is to sweep it all back under the rug; this, obviously, does nothing to solve the problem. Go back and try again.
Finally, talk at some point about talking. What this means is that after the sexual topic is somewhat put to rest, there often remains the larger issue of why you didn’t have the conversation earlier. Is there something that you need from your partner to feel more safe to bring up sensitive topics? Do you need as a couple to simply make time to talk about what’s on your mind besides the hubbub of work or kids? Does the struggle with communication suggest a deeper underlying problem? This too needs to get on the table.
If all this still seems too difficult, consider a short stint of couple or even individual counseling just to have a safe place to get things out in the open or to figure out better exactly what you want. The counselor can ask the hard questions, slow things down so that you are both heard, and help you learn skills that can make these conversations go more smoothly.
Bob Taibbi, L.C.S.W., has 45 years of clinical experience. He is the author of 11 books and over 300 articles and provides training nationally and internationally.
Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today.
Psychology Today © 2022 Sussex Publishers, LLC
Our conversations are sprinkled with slips, pauses, lies, and clues to our inner world. Here’s what we reveal when we speak, whether we mean to or not.
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Be frank. Lay out your thoughts as plainly as possible. Avoid euphemisms, and try to work past your initial discomfort. If you aren't comfortable referring to "sex," try using a similar but "softer" phrase. Instead of saying that you are "having sex," say that you are "making love," or "being intimate," or "getting down." Each of these phrases has its own set of connotations.
Remember that sex is perfectly natural. One might argue that, indeed, nothing is more natural. It is how you came into being.
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Set a clear precedent. If you aren't comfortable doing something, then don't do it. If you let something slide even once, then it will be harder to stop it from happening in the future. Be firm about your expectations, and don't let anyone take advantage of you. [1]
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Expert Source
JT Tran Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
Remember: Consent is crucial when it comes to sex. If you or your partner say no, their answer must be fully understood
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Ask about STI (sexually-transmitted infection) testing. Before you become intimate with a person, initiate a casual conversation about their sexual health and their testing history. Don't make a big deal about it—just ask if they've been tested recently. Remember that you have the right to look after your own sexual health. You deserve to know if you're about to have sex with someone who might be carrying an infection. [2]
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Use protection. It never hurts to use protection, even if a partner has assured you that they are STI-free.
If you have an STI, be upfront about it. It can plague your partner for years, and it can have serious health implications.
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Be communicative. Ask for what you want. Be vocal about what you like, and don't be afraid to speak up when something doesn't work for you. If you aren't clear about your needs, then your partner won't know how to meet those needs. [3]
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Expert Source
JT Tran Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
Be as frank and open as possible. Cultivate a relationship that is build around clear communication. The more you talk about this, the easier it will be!
If you want more sex, don't be afraid to say so, but don't demand it. Explain why you don't feel that you're getting enough, and find a solution that the two of you can agree upon. [4]
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Stay on the same page. Make sure that you and your partner have a mutual understanding about the rules and expectations of the relationship. A relationship is a mutual understanding, and it is your responsibility to maintain that understanding. Define the sort of relationship that you want, and make the relationship itself an act of discussing that balance. [5]
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Talk about when and where it's okay to have sex.
Preferences to change over time, which is fine, but you need to keep your partner up-to-date.
Decide whether you are exclusive. If not, make sure that you agree about who each of you can and cannot have sex with. Be clear and be truthful. If you leave this part murky, then you could damage your relationship and seriously hurt someone. [6]
X
Expert Source
JT Tran Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
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Make it a dialogue. Each of you should feel equally empowered to negotiate the terms of the conversation. Someone will probably need to initiate the conversation, and that person may well be you—but you can still create space for your partner to speak their mind. Listen. Be patient.
Avoid accusatory "you" statements like, "You never want to have sex anymore!"
Instead, focus on the way that things make you feel, or try to remain objective. Say, "I feel that our sex drives have been unbalanced lately," or "I want to open up a dialogue about the way that our sex life has been lately."
Again: a relationship is a mutual understanding. A healthy sex life is built upon communication. Don't let one person make all of the moves! Consent is an important factor in order for both you and your partner to have a good time in bed. Talk about what you both want and not want during sex. And to then understand that persons boundaries. [7]
X
Expert Source
JT Tran Dating Coach
Expert Interview. 5 May 2020.
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Talk about sex when you're not having sex. This can be a great way to get comfortable discussing intimacy with your partner. Bring it up when you both have free time to talk. Check in to see that you're on the same page, and that the current arrangement is working for both of you. Be unabashed and matter-of-fact about this sort of communication. If you don't act like it's weird, then it won't be weird. [8]
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Know when it's time to talk to your child about sex . The "right time" means something different for every kid and every parent. As a general rule of thumb, consider that your child should probably know how to practice safe, consensual sex by the time that they wind up in a sexual situation. If your child is approaching their teen years, then hormones are coming, and the time is nigh.
In this digital age, more children are learning about sex from the Internet. If your child gets curious, then they may do a lot of exploratory searching. Use your knowledge to act as a guiding figure. Your child may know more than you think.
Many schools incorporate some form of sexual education into their curriculum. Try using this as a reason to engage with your kids about the realities of sex. Set yourself up as a resource, and offer to answer any questions that your children might have.
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Bring it up gently. Sex can be an embarrassing topic for adults to discuss—let alone children or teenagers! If the topic comes up naturally, then take the opportunity to discuss it. Otherwise: plan out what you are going to say, and try to build upon what your child already knows. Keep an open mind. [9]
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Be respectful of boundaries. If your child doesn't want to talk about the "birds and the bees," then don't force the conversation.
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Use outside resources. There are various books, websites, and other resources available that make it easier for kids and teenagers to learn about healthy sex. If your child is younger than 10-12, consider going through these resources one-on-one. If you are dealing with a teenager, then you can likely just pass along the information and let your teen explore on their own time. [10]
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What Makes A Baby by Cory Silverberg is a children's book for parents looking to explain to young children how
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