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Posted on 25 Feb 2018
For everyone who was sexually awakened by a Disney character.
Editor-at-Large, BuzzFeed Australia
Crystal: As a personal preference, I’m not into deer. Having said that, he seems like a very handsome deer? So, points for that? LOL. 2/10
Jenna: Yeah. I mean, he’s a HANDSOME deer. But still very much a deer. 1/10
Crystal: NOT A FAN OF CHIN BEARDS. BYE. 1/10
Jenna: Phoebus isn’t a bad guy, and if he had different hair and no chin beard, he might even be a catch. But as it is, his hair is awful, and his chin beard is downright criminal. No, thank you. 3/10
Crystal: I guess if I were an emo lioness I’d be into Scar? But, alas, I am not. Although the guy does have very pretty eyes. 3.5/10
Jenna: Scar is responsible for the most traumatic movie experience of my childhood, so it's a great big NOPE from me. 1/10
Crystal: Hans is...fine. I kinda look at him and just see a blank slate? Like, there’s not much to like or dislike. Yawn. 3/10
Jenna: Hans isn’t bad looking, but personality-wise he is THE WORST. Even before the plot twist, he gave me the creeps. I might make out with him, but I’d regret it. 3.5/10
Crystal: OKAY, look. I get it. Gaston is meant to be physically attractive, but IS HE? Because, personally, I find him ridiculous. 4/10
Jenna: He’s physically handsome, but he is such a predatory arsehole with no redeeming qualities, and that makes him incredibly ugly. I’ll give him points for his chest hair, though. 2.5/10
Crystal: Again, not into the lions, but he does have a fabulous AF mane. 4/10
Jenna: He's one hot lion daddy. Which is just not my kink. 3/5
Crystal: Aww, the OG Disney prince! I feel like on paper, he’s attractive, but ever since that ONE article, all I can see is a young Liza Minelli?! And, as fabulous as she is, she doesn’t quite ~do it~ for me. He’s okay. 4/10
Jenna: Apparently Prince Florian was really hard to animate realistically, which is why he only appears in the movie twice. Unfortunately this means a) he’s kind of odd-looking and b) he doesn’t have much personality. Look, I know I shouldn’t judge him by modern animation standards, but it puts him on the more unappealing end of the prince spectrum. Also I can’t unsee that Liza Minelli thing now. 3/10
Crystal: MEH. John Smith is as basic as they come. He’s also kind of a jerk?! He has a nice jawline, but otherwise PASS. 2/10
Jenna: He’s good looking I guess, but about as interesting as those dry-ass looking crackers he carries around in his bag. 5/10
Crystal: Aww, Woody is really cute. But, like do I find toys attractive?! Nah. Sorry Woody! 5/10
Jenna: I'm a thirsty bitch, as the rest of this list can attest, but for some reason I've never been remotely attracted to anyone in Toy Story. Woody is handsome for a cowboy doll, I suppose, but he's such a Nice Guy™️. 2.5/10
Crystal: Buzz is funny, and I like a guy that can make me laugh, but I couldn’t really see myself hooking up with him because he’s...a toy?! 5/10
Jenna: I guess I can see the appeal of Buzz. He's all macho and heroic and shit. But he's still made of plastic. 3/10
Crystal: As far as lions go, Simba is handsome. Although, I always felt Mufasa was MORE handsome?! IDK, I’m not attracted to lions. 3/10
Jenna: I’m not one of those people who was sexually awakened by Simba, but I can see where they’re coming from. He’s pretty fine, for a lion. 5/10
Crystal: I’ve never been attracted to the Beast. Like, congratulations, you learned not to be a jerk? Also, have you seen the way he eats a bowl of porridge -- imagine if he were eating SOMETHING ELSE?!?! Ahem. 3/10
Jenna: Okay but hear me out: Belle teaches him how to eat a bowl of porridge with finesse. So I bet he’d be open to ~finessing~ a lot of things. Look, I know it’s a little problematic, but I can’t help but love him. It was probably the whole library thing that hooked me. Also the fact he’s just a really sexy beast? Still, I prefer him as a human. 6.5/10
Crystal: LOL, King Triton’s nipples always distracted me as a kid. I mean, judging by his hair and beard, the guy has got to be like at least 70 years old and for that reason I’d say, “pass.” BUT, like, the old man does have a super buff body, so I could see it! 6/10
Jenna: He may be old, but he's still got it. Look at that body! Dude is putting people half his age to shame. But I have a lot of questions about how merpeople have sex. 5/10
Crystal: There’s something about Hercules’ giant neck that creeps me out. I mean, HE’S FINE, but this golden god doesn’t really do it for me, sorry (not sorry). 5/10
Jenna: Listen, Hercules is the softest boy who just happens to have rippling pectorals. But there’s something about the way he’s drawn (those swirly knees?) that makes him slightly less appealing than some of the other guys on this list. 6.5/10
Crystal: Prince Charming is conventionally handsome, but he’s not too bright?! Like, how silly do you have to be use A SHOE to find your true love? Maybe just check your guest list?! Brain-power aside, he’s still cute though, and I wouldn’t necessarily kick him out of bed. 7/10
Jenna: Prince Charming unfortunately falls into the same trap as Prince Florian: because he was hard to animate, he is hardly in the movie. Which means he hasn’t got a lot of personality or character development. BUT he manages to be really handsome, and we do get at least a glimpse of personality in his sassy eyerolls. I’d enjoy his royal balls. 6/10
Crystal: As a child, I was kinda creeped out by the Beast’s transformation into Adam. Maybe it’s the very unflattering under lighting, but meh. I mean, yes, he’s better-looking than the Beast, but there’s something just off about him in human form. 5/10
Jenna: See, I had the exact opposite reaction. The transformation has always been a ~moment~ for me. As much as I love the Beast, seeing him in his very attractive human form gets me EVERY TIME. I’m a sucker for those pretty blue eyes and that jawline. And you just know he’d still be a beast in the sheets. 8.5/10
Crystal: Dig the stubble, not so into the Inspector Clouseau mustache. 7/10
Jenna: I am into this whole look. What a DILF. 7/10
Crystal: Not really a fan of the early ‘90s middle-part hair look, but the guy looks good in board shorts! 8/10
Jenna: I’ve never seen Lilo and Stitch (I KNOW!), so I don't know anything about David. I’m not feeling his hair, but I AM feeling his shirtlessness. 6.5/10
Crystal: Let’s just get the obvious out of the way, shall we...musicians are hot. Roger definitely has that going for him. Plus, he’s a dog-lover (maybe the biggest dog-lover ever?!), so...bonus points for that! 8/10
Jenna: Okay, I’ve overlooked Roger for a long time, but now I’m rethinking everything. He may not be as classically handsome as some of the princes, but there’s something about him that is so appealing. Maybe it’s his sense of humour. Or his musical talents. Or maybe it’s the fact he comes with 101 dogs. (It’s definitely that.) 7/10
Crystal: Tarzan looks great in a loincloth...and not many can say that. 7/10
Jenna: I’m pretty sure Tarzan is 100% muscle and I am 100% here for it. He's both gentle AND wild. Not to mention athletic, flexible, open to new experiences...Plus the boy has stamina. Yes. Yes. Yes. 8/10
Crystal: I feel like I’m going to be a little biased on this one because I love Michael J. Fox. And Milo IS adorable?! Sure, he’s not as buff as some of the other gents on this list, but that’s not what it’s all about! Okay, sometimes it is, but not in this case. 8/10
Jenna: I’ve never seen Atlantis: The Lost Empire (anything that came out in the early ‘00s fell into my brief “too old for kids movies, too young to not give a fuck that I’m too old for kids movies” phase). But I am really digging Milo’s hot nerd vibe, so I clearly need to watch this movie pronto. 7.5/10
Crystal: Kristoff is adorable both looks-wise and personality-wise. And If you’re into that whole Nordic-boy-next-door thing, then he is PERFECT. 8/10
Jenna: Oh yeah. Kristoff is totally climbable. What better way to keep warm than getting up close and personal with this snack of a man?! 7.5/10
Crystal: Let me just run down the list of all the things Prince Philip has going for him: He’s good-looking, he can sing, he can dance, he talks to animals, and he wears leggings better than I do! I can’t fault this man at all, so... yes, give me Prince Philip anyday. 9/10
Jenna: A prince charming-type with good looks AND personality?! YES. And this is random, but I thought “Philip” was the ultimate cute boy name when I was a kid, and I’m pretty sure Prince Philip was 99% of the reason for that. Nearly 60 years after he was created, he's still a babe. 7/10
Crystal: UGH, Kocoum. What a travesty that this beautiful man was wasted! Pocahontas 110% should have picked him over that fuckboy John Smith. 9/10
Jenna: Kocoum >>>>> John Smith. He’s so damn hot, and the whole brooding thing totally works on him. He deserved better. 7/10
Crystal: OMG, I completely forgot about Tadashi...but like, taking a second look now, I seriously question how I could have?! THAT HAIR, THAT SMILE! 8.5/10
Jenna: Looking at Tadashi’s face makes me want to cry because of REASONS but also because he's so freaking gorgeous. I just want more of him, in so many ways. 7.5/10
Crystal: Oh man, don’t hate me for saying this, but Robin Hood is definitely hot. I know it’s weird to find an anthropomorphic fox attractive, but like...he just is?! And I KNOW I’m not the only one who thinks this. 9/10
Jenna: You are DEFINITELY not the only one. Robin Hood is a fox on multiple levels. I don’t blame Maid Marian for carrying a torch for him for so long. Oo-de-lally indeed. 7.5/10
Crystal: Here comes the smolder!!! So, you know that thing I said about not being into chin beards?! JK, if it’s Flynn Rider, he can get away with it. I’m here for it. 8/10
Jenna: It says a lot about how hot Flynn Rider is that he manages to be totally bangable even with that festy chin beard. At least his hair is all swoopy and dreamy and perfect. Plus he has a great face and a winning personality. 9/10
Crystal: Confession time: I have not seen Mulan *ducks for cover*. Having said that, I am still very aware who Li Shang is...and for good reason. I mean, look at this gorgeous specimen of a man! 9/10
Jenna: I actually didn’t see Mulan until recently myself, but now I have all the time in the world for Li Shang. He’s a HUNK OF A MAN who is also low-key awkward AF, which somehow makes him even more adorable. I’m ready to get down to business alright. 9.5/10
Crystal: Aladdin has it all: good looks, great voice, smarts, a heart of gold, AND he loves bread!!! I’d happily slum the streets of Agrabah with him ANY day. 10/10
Jenna: Agreed. I’d totally go on his magic carpet ride. 9/10
Crystal: I feel very blessed whenever I get to lay eyes on Prince Naveen. And those dimples alone could bring world peace. 9/10
Jenna: Ugh, it’s such a damn shame Naveen spends so much of the movie as a frog, because that face is a masterpiece. Plus he’s suave AF and knows how to mooooove. 10/10
Crystal: Anyone who doesn’t think Prince Eric is hot needs their eyes checked. He’s not the brightest bulb in the bunch (why couldn’t he have just given Ariel some paper to write on?!), but that fact is COMPLETELY overlookable for those baby blue eyes. 9.5/10
Jenna: Prince Eric was my first ever crush. And I love him to this day. He’s not perfect, but oh man, that dark hair, those blue eyes, the dimples…even his clavicle?! HE IS SO FREAKING HOT I CAN’T STAND IT. 10/10
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I don’t understand why everybody fawns over Prince Eric. Like, sure, he’s attractive, but over all, he’s kinda just meh. I would put Flynn Rider #1 tbh
I’m so sick of everyone drooling over Prince Eric. He is the most boring prince/Disney dude. Generic pretty boy with his damn flute.
i think you're all leaving out the true winner here, Emperor Kuzco.
boom baby.
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